School

You know, as my second blog in the new year, I really considered doing something that was looking back on 2008 now that it's past but I just couldn't bring it. 2006 was a shitty year, so I started looking back on my years at the beginning of 2007. 2008 I was excited to look back and forward because of the new possibilities. This year, it just doesn't seem appropriate. Short tradition, aye?

Well, I'm basically done with my first week of classes for the semester. Woot! I have medication, so hopefully no more dramatic mood swings. I've been on it for a couple of weeks and have had no problems that I can tell. I've stayed pretty consistent on the emotional scale and no crazy manic moments (other than yesterday, but we're going to ignore that...)

Classes are awesome. I'm taking Bio 2, Chem 2, Stats, Criminal Justice, and Dance. Cool classes, aye? Well, maybe you don't think so, but I do. Well, minus Chem. It's not really my thing. I'm a bio major, what can I say? Dance is fantastic and I know I'll love it. Criminal Justice, well, interesting subject but I have yet to decide on the actual class. Bio is cool, same teacher as last semester plus I have friends in the class this semester =] Stats is probably going to be one of those classes that I fall in love with, I just haven't figured it out yet. Yay school!! Maybe loving school makes me weird, but oh well. I'm a full time learner of everything from now until I die.

Zeta is awesome. I'm secretary for my chapter and loving it. I was installed officially a week ago and just started working, but it works. I'm way busy with all the events that I have to go to (my roommate is complaining that she never sees be because of it, but it really isn't that bad) but it's growing on me so I don't mind.

I haven't been able to breathe through my nose really well for the past three or four years and about a year ago it was thought that it was because of allergies, so about a week ago (or two I guess) I went to an allergist (finally!) and got tested for anything I could be allergic to. Out of the 50 or so things they tested, I'm only very very slightly (basically meaning I'm not) allergic to a couple of grasses. Yay for a lack of allergies!!! But it still didn't answer why my nosed is congested all the time. So the allergist thinks I need a CT scan of my head, but because of my insurance I need to try something else first, so the allergist said to treat it like a sinus infection. Guess what that means... Yup, pills and nasal rinses. Do you know how weird nasal rinsing is?!?! Holy canoly, weirdest feeling ever.

Oh, I had my first appointment with a gynecologist a couple weeks ago. Guys, let me tell you, you are some pretty lucky people. I know you have your own masculine things to complain about, but this sucks. Well, I guess it falls into a similar category as getting a prostate check, but still. Crazy uncomfortable, painful, and no fun. Bleh. Being a woman sucks.

So that's basically my past month for you. Fun stuff I suppose. I should probably write about Australia at some point, but that doesn't seem appropriate right now. Anyhowzers, I love you guys for reading =] Hearts!!! <3 <3

Australia

Well, I made it all the way there and back again by myself. I give myself kudos for that. It was lots of fun. I spent most of my time in Sydney but I also went to Adelaide, Broken Hill, Port Fairy, The Great Ocean Road, and Melbourne. I saw a rain forest, fish in the ocean, and really interesting people. I got to spend a good amount of quality time with my grandparents and overall I enjoyed myself immensely. I'm definitely going to have to go back one day.

Happy New Year =]

Guess what? 2008 is officially over. Oi.

So a retrospect of that year. Well, I finished and graduated high school. I started college. I went a year without Sam.

Life is...intense. I'm a little surprised that I made it through alright. This year went by really fast. Somehow, though, I feel like 2009 doesn't look so optimistic. My goal is to survive.

End of School

Yup, I've finally reached that point in the semester where all my finals are done and I'm finally home =] I have my computer with me (always an added bonus). I can't play WoW, though. Sad days ='[ Still, Things are going pretty good. I got to hang out with my friend James last night. Never a dull moment, to say the least ;) lol. I got a migraine this morning, though. No bueno. Oh well.

Tomorrow will be interesting - I get to pack up my stuff to go to Australia on Saturday and try to come up with things to do on the magical road trip my grandparents and I are going on. It should be fun.

Speaking of Australia, I have to say that I am really freaked out. I'm not worried about being there or how long I'm away from home or anything like that; what I'm really freaked out about is that I'm going alone. Operating all those airports by myself and flying on a flight that's 16 hours long with no one but me is going to be an interesting experience, to say the least. I guess it's a part of growing up; knowing how to make these trips alone. Still, I'm a bit freaked out. I've only been 18 for a month. Oi. But I'm getting a new journal to write in tomorrow so that is good. Woot!! I guess I get to work on keeping myself company =]

Okay, weird stuff. I've been on a high for the past week or so, and it's weird how it affects my life. I'm so pumped to do everything. It's crazy! It's like, I wake up and I feel like I could do anything if I wanted to. Weird stuff. I don't even seem to need sleep; I just get up and I go and no sleep seems to be needed. Oi. Just the fact that it's gone on for a week is weird. Oh well.

I've been talking to my sister a bunch today and I always seem to forget how awesome it is talking to her. Man, I love her. Really, I don't get how I didn't like her when I was younger. I just must have been crazy. Oh well. I guess I can make up for lost time =]

So finals are over with and the semester has ended and I passed all my classes so I will never need to go back. Yay!! It's a good feeling. And it's nice knowing that I have six weeks with no crazy obligations to go through with or any deadlines to meet. I get to just sit back and work on getting my shit together before I take off full speed for another semester that's going to be harder than this one. I know I can do it, I just have to stay focused. And hopefully I'll have meds by then so that I won't have to deal with the crazy mood swings that are out of control. It will be good.

New!!!

Holy canoly, I just learned that I can put fun stuff on my blog as added on!!! So the first thing I added is a poll. The poll will (hopefully) change every week and it will just be random musings of mine that I feel like asking people. The first question is: Would you date a smoker? You have four possible answers, so go forth and answer, it will be fun!! =D

Finals

So, finals started today. Not bad, I have to say. I did significantly better on my Biology final than I thought I would, did alright on my Chemistry Lab final, and on my Chemistry (lecture) final I did not too bad. Uhg, the grammatical sound of that sentence is painful. Anyway, so I have no finals tomorrow, and then on Wednesday I get to take my English final at 8 a.m. and then I am done!! Woo!! Then I get to get all of my crap together for a six week break and head home. Yay! I am excited. Now it's just a debate on whether or not I want to go to this late-night breakfast down in the CUB (Campus Union Building). Hmm. Maybe I'll go for a doughnut...

I've Been Failing Epically

I know, when do I ever write anymore? Do updates? Anything? Obviously, I haven't been. The reason is the mood swings. I know that I've been talking about them a lot, but the problem is that I still don't have meds for it. It's just really hard to go to class every day and do the work I need to do just to pass, let alone go above and beyond to type up a blog. But I'm trying. Hopefully I'll start getting meds in the next week. I hope.

So, new stuff. I'm leaving for Australia on Saturday!! It's amazing. I'll see my grandparents again and I'll be in the Land Down Under. Woot! My last day of finals is Wednesday, so I will be done soon. I get to go home and see my friends again; it'll be nice. Sarah and I will have a CRave (car rave) and it will be fun. We shall stand in a random parking lot late at night blasting music from our cars and dance in the parking lot and saying, "To Hell with the world!!". Good times =]

What I Want Most

Is there a way to just make this all disappear? I'm tired of feeling. I'm tired of feeling everything all the time. I just want it to stop. I want to be numb. I'm tired of emotion. I'm tired of life. Just make it stop. Seriously guys, if you know a way to stop feeling, stop caring, stop everything, let me know. I'm open to any suggestion because I can't take it anymore. What I want most in the world is to be numb.

Life

Life is just weird. Have you ever noticed that? Just as you begin to become accustomed to what it is and how things are, it throws something new at you. Isn't it weird how just when you get comfortable with life, something new shows up and completely throws off your equilibrium? Then you're left wondering how this is going to affect your life and if it's going to be good or bad. Still, it's just something to think about.

Personality

I have a question to you who take the time out of your busy lives to read this blog. Is it wrong to be true to yourself? On face value, I'd say no. But then you have to look a bit closer. What if who you really are isn't who people think? What if who you really are is, to put it nicely, very unfriendly? Society teaches us to be true to ourselves, but we're also taught that there is the ideal person that we all should strive to be. I've been that person my whole life, but what if who I really am is the complete opposite? Would it still be correct to be true to myself, or should I keep who I really am under the highest security lock-down my mind can create? Who I am is not what others want me to be, in fact, it's the exact opposite. On face value, I should say, "To hell with you!!" and move on with my life being who I am and never taking a moment to think about what others think of me, let alone what they want me to be. But if who I really am is a "monster" (at least, as seen my the whole of society), should I really do that, or should I keep on the path that was set before me by the world as a whole? It's a question I've been thinking of. While I think the outcome is unavoidable, I thought I'd pose the question to you. What do you think?

Insomnia

You know what really sucks? Being uber tired but being really awake. Yup. I'm wide awake but I really need to sleep. Uhg. I went to sleep around 7 because I started to get a migraine, and then around ten I woke up because I couldn't sleep anymore. My body temperature keeps going up and down, so that keeps waking me up, too. Bleh. This is no bueno. Rawr.

Election Results

So, if you paid attention, you probably noticed that my birthday was the day before election day, and I turned 18, so the bigger question is did I vote? Well, I did =] In truth, the only way I could vote was by absentee ballot because you need a voter registration card otherwise. Issue there is that they can't send it to you until you're actually 18 so I won't get mine until next week. But yes, I voted, and I am an avid Obama supporter. Plus, he won. It didn't help that I live in one of the most right-winged sides of the state right now, so when I went running around, cheering at the top of my lungs because Obama won, there was a voice in the back of my head telling me to tone it down so that I wouldn't die in my sleep. Oh well. So yes, I voted. First person I voted for ever was Barrack Obama, and he is our next president. Just say that out loud for a moment, President Obama. Doesn't that sound amazing?

Birthday!!! =D

In case you didn't figure it out, today is my birthday!! Yay!!! Today I enter the world as an adult. Officially, yes, I have reached adult status. I'm am freakin' 18!! Dude!!! I feel...shockingly old. I'm totally pumped, though. Just the new found freedom, it's invigorating. Hmm, man. I just feel...wow. I don't really know what to say.

Hormonal Update

Well, I've been taking the mood stabilizers. The problem is, it's not doing too much. I've been told by my counselor that I'm allowed to take the pills up to four times a day, and right now I'm at three. I'm really trying, it's just, it's not working well. I'll be alright for a few days, but then I'm not. It's like I'm fighting my body 24/7 just to keep from falling into severe depression. And when I'm not depressed, I'm either really hyper, or, more commonly, I'll be really really angry. My mom knows that I need help. And I get to talk to my counselor tomorrow, but still. We know that I might have to take prescription drugs soon. My mom wants to put it off as long as possible. My counselor says I probably need antidepressants. We'll see. I've been good about taking the pills, but I hate needing the. I'm used to being able to control my body, and I have no control right now. I'm hitting the balanced medium maybe 40% of the time, but that's not good enough for me. I can see it getting dangerous if this keeps up. Hopefully, after talking to my counselor tomorrow I'll have a few more answers.

Free Association Writing

So here's what happened. I decided that I would try out Freud's idea of free association writing. Well, it came out pretty interesting and fairly intense, but a lot of it was poetry of sorts. It was very thought provoking to me and maybe you'll find it the same. So I have decided that I will share a portion of it with you. I've changed the spelling errors but other than that I'm typing it exactly as I wrote it.

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invisible motion to be lost in thought of great artistic memory yet forgotten by bittersweet love to turn to greed anger and hate

what comes now is as impassive as dark night always watching but never seeing never believing tragedy

what lies in words but can't be found might as well drown as the poet speaks literal words of death to be forgotten once more on tragic memory

what of me do you seek? a lost tangle of lies and deceit

better to end up dead than in someone else's bed

so hurt burned charred disgraced but never again to win a race

you'll never know never feel never see what it is to make me me

these cuts that grow blood will bring new life for only life can come from death only death from life

do you like what you see? this tragic mystery on love's death bed? heart grew cold as stone when left alone. can't love, can't breathe can't feel and there's nothing left to feel

you're dead now and you can feel it the empty tears of nothing froze you, too too long I've lived too long I've died and never been seen by you nor I I'm broken beyond repair

maybe he can see that

do you know? i know you feel something isn't right. maybe drugs or parasites

he's being eaten alive from the inside and we both know he'll never survive without your or I

but he lies hurts us breaks us makes us cold again and never can we be the same again

love him we do, we'll never stop but trust is yet a different thing for that can easily pass

don't read into the words as literal truth but find the secrets written behind. awaken and read and you will see what is left of you and me.

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Again, that's only a piece of what I wrote. It came out pretty interesting to me so I decided it was worth sharing. =]

Surprising Weekend

So this weekend I went home for the 2008 Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta. For those of you who have no idea what in the world that is, basically it's over 800 hot air balloons all getting together for about 9 days to fly every morning. It's amazing. Anyway, I am friends with a balloon pilot who flies Fiesta and so I help crew. If you don't know what a balloon crew does, they are the ones who help set up the balloon, fill it with air, and get it into the air. Then they chase the balloon with the pilot inside and when the balloon comes down, the crew is there to catch them and help bring the balloon down. It's sooo much fun. Thus, this weekend I decided to enjoy my time and go crew. It was good stuff. So here's what made it weird.

I was introduced to my pilot, John, by my ex-boyfriend, Sam. Sam has been crewing for John for at least 11 years (I think). Well, his parents aren't really crewing much these days and he lacks a car, so he wouldn't be able to crew Fiesta this year unless he had a ride. Last year I was his ride, but since we broke up this past January, we hadn't really talked that much and I was under the impression that he pretty much hated me with a fiery passion. Still, Fiesta is the BIGGEST time for crewing, and definitely the most fun. Because I wouldn't have had the opportunity to ever go to Fiesta, let alone crew it without having had Sam in my life, I figured it was only appropriate for me to ask if he wanted to go as well during the one weekend I was going to be there for it. So I called him up about two weeks before Fiesta to ask if he wanted to go. He was kind of busy so he said to call him later. During the week leading up to Fiesta, I called him again and we decided that he was going to come with me and crew that weekend. It was weird because he talked to me like we'd been friends for the past nine months rather than on a non-speaking basis. That Friday last week we arranged what time I'd be coming to get him and when we'd be meeting up and all those finer details. So at 4:15 a.m. on Saturday morning I showed up at his house and we went to crew Fiesta.

It wasn't bad, actually. However, it did prove to be a bit awkward. For one, his scent was driving me insane. What you have to remember is that we started dating when I was clinically depressed, and his smell helped make me feel better (mainly because I'd be held to him and I'd be smelling him so his smell comforted me). I haven't smelled it in over nine months (because I can't remember smelling it much during the last few months we were together) and so to have it take over the van we were in was driving me insane. Another thing was I didn't know how to act towards him, and I don't think he knew how to act around me. We both felt a little weird. Still, by the end of the day, we were talking at least, and messing around a bit like we used to. Still, it was a little awkward.

That night, I ended up hanging out with him (unexpectedly, for it wasn't planned). We pretty much drove around town for about an hour and a half just talking and catching each other up on our lives since we'd last really talked, which was in January. I also found out in that conversation that he never hated me, and that's when I learned just how much it was affecting me thinking that he hated me all this time. It was amazing. Just suddenly how much everything changed by hearing the words, "I never hated you." It hit me then just how much he still meant to me. And then everything I've been trying to block up in my mind for the past nine months starting breaking my wall. More and more started to slip through. I went home that night feeling so relieved it was insane.

The next morning, we didn't crew, because it was raining all night. But it was okay. My friend, Kim, had come with me to crew, so her, Sam, and myself decided that even though we weren't crewing we'd hang out anyway. All we did was sit in my car next to a park just jamming to Jack Johnson and talking. It was nice. And I learned that Sam and I were friends again. Just like that. Nine months of hating (by me) and silence and angst and then after 24 hours it was shattered and suddenly we were friends just like before. I was stunned. I went back to school that afternoon completely dazed from the shock. It was like the past nine months hadn't happened, or like it had just been a weekend apart. My wall blocking all my thoughts and emotions towards Sam completely crumbled beneath the weight of everything. And then I started to realize some things.

For one, what if Sam had been hurting this whole time as much as I have? I wouldn't feel so bad about everything if I knew he had hurt as much as I had. I spent so much time denying the fact that my heart was crying every day because I'd lost my best friend and my other half. For nine months I'd been denying the fact that I was so upset. I lived my life pretending that I didn't care and that I hated him, but I couldn't, because I still loved him. I pushed myself to do so much that I wouldn't have done before as a means of trying to forget about him, to move on, and yet I still couldn't do it. I'd still have days where all I could do was think about him and how upset I was. And I realized that maybe he felt the same, and maybe he was doing the same thing.

And then, what if I had hurt him as bad as he hurt me? He broke up with me, but I flat out told him I didn't care because I was going to break up with him anyway, he just beat me to it. What if that hurt him even more because he hadn't really wanted to break up, but was just scared to do it? Then to find out that I didn't even care, because it was coming anyway. I mean, that had the potential to be the destroyer of worlds. And what if some of the stuff that he had said, like how he had supposedly never loved me, had only been said because it would make the pain of losing me feel like less than it was? What if we'd both been living a lie to try and deny the fact that we both felt like death about being apart and not speaking?

That's when I realized that I couldn't just pretend like he hadn't affected me the way he had. I am who I am because he was a part of my life. I grew and changed and matured with him and it was because of our relationship that I am who I am. And so much shifted in my brain that I don't know what I'm going to do now. I guess I'll just keep going, and see how this develops.

Hormones

This sucks. My hormones are soooooo out of whack. Basically, my body is crazy imbalanced and the effects suck. Basically, I'll feel crazy depressed for hours at a time. It's horrible. Mentally, I don't feel depressed at all, but physically, I'm so down I don't even want to do anything. It sucks. I just feel so down and it's all because my hormones are out of balance. Now I have to get back on my mood stabilizers because I can't function normally right now. It's sooo not fun. It's like, I mentally I'm totally ready to go do stuff, but I can't get my body to go along with it. I don't feel like eating, all I want to do is sleep. I can't even get myself to do stuff I like, like reading. Hell, I even feel like doing homework and I can't get my body to do it. It's like, the only thing my body wants to do is curl up in bed for days at a time and never move, just lay there in the dark. I hate taking pills, but if I keep going at this rate I'll stop functioning in everyday life. Right now it's taking all my energy just to function at a semi-normal level. I can go to classes, talk to people, and eat, but that's about it. And I'm so drained mentally at the end of the day just to do that that I have to take pills just to function again. I've been on mood stabilizers before, but I'm not looking forward to it again. I needed it three years ago because I was depressed/bi-polar. Everything was mental as well as physical. Now it's just a physical problem. Still, I can't get the meds until this Friday, and it'll be a few days after that before I can start feeling the effects. I just hope this works.

Just . . . Life...

So an update on life. My most insane week for the year was this past week. It went something like this:

Monday

Psychology, Biology, Chemistry, and English classes

In the afternoon: Meet Zeta's for dinner, have a two hour meeting after

Tuesday

Chemistry Lab

CROWN party that night, followed by a Student Senate meeting.

Wednesday

Psychology, Biology, Chemistry, and English classes

Another CROWN party

Need to write a Succession Paper for Biology Lab

Thursday

Biology Lab

Mixer with the Sigma Chis and a Community Service project at the local senior center

Study for Psychology and Biology Tests

Friday

Psychology, Biology, Chemistry, and English classes

Psychology and Biology Tests

Essay for English due

Drive to Las Vegas, NM with Kim

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Here's the thing that I knew with these tests.

1. I knew I needed to study all week, not just the night before.
2. In both Psych and Bio, there are only four tests the whole semester, so if I failed one it'd be more than just a big deal.
3. With all my classes and everything going on with Zeta, I'd have almost no time to study unless I planned on not sleeping, which is a no-go.

So, I didn't do Zeta stuff on Wednesday or Thursday. Thursday I was typing so much to help me study that it felt like I just slammed a hammer repeatedly into my fingers. And I was crazy stressed out.

Yesterday I learned that I got an 82% on my Biology test, which is a high B by my teacher's grading scale. I won't find out how I did on my Psychology test until tomorrow. I'm hoping for a B.

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New on life.

Have you been paying attention to what's been going on with the economy? It's looking like we're about to hit up a world-wide depression. Yes, depression. I don't care if no one wants to talk about it, but that's what it is. Screw this "recession" bullshit, it's a depression. Get used to it.

So we're about to fall into this world-wide depression. What does that mean for me? I mean, I know that the world economies will be hit, but I want to know how this is going to affect me, an average college student in America. If I'm going to be living through this, it'd be nice to have any kind of idea on how it's going to affect me. I know what happened during The Great Depression, but I want to know how this will affect not only me but your average American on the street as well. What's going to happen to us? What's going to happen to the country? What's going to happen as a whole? I know no one knows the answers to these questions, we'll only know as time plays out. But still, it's got me a little worried.

Anyway, that's what's on my mind. I'm not freaking out over it, but I am a little worried as to how this is going to come back to me, my friends, and my family.

Official for Winter Break

I am leaving for Australia on December 13. I don't come back until January 7. Dude, I am so excited!!! However, I broke my fingers yesterday by typing for about 10 hours straight, so I'm going to have to cut this blog short. Laters.

Roommates. Again.

So, my roommate moved out Friday. My new roommate moved in Friday. So much for time spent enjoying a single room. Bri is my roommate. Figures. Oh well. It's turning out better than I thought it would. Basically, our hall director, Chelsey, wanted to consolidate our rooms so we were asked to room together. Oi. Still, I guess life is a little more interesting with Bri around, but still. I would've liked to have enjoyed having the room to myself for even one night. Clearly that didn't happen. Anyway, sorry I didn't tell about this sooner, I just forgot that I hadn't already written on it. But now you know. I never got to go with that emptyness because I got a roommate the same day as I lost one.