It's the two sides of one coin, the opposites that make everything possible. It's the good and the bad, the light and the dark, the heads and the tails. That's my life. Right now, looking to the future, there's good, and there's bad.
The Light:
I got accepted to an archaeology field school in Peru. AAAAHHHH!!!! I'm so excited!!! I get to spend six weeks in Peru running around learning how to excavate archeological ruins, collect various artifacts and remains I may find, and how to prepare and analyze them in a lab. Oh I'm so excited!!! AAAHHHH!!!!
Another good thing, I graduate in December!!! Oh man, I don't know how much more of this whole school thing I can take. I'm tired of killing myself and dealing with shitty people and being stressed out all the time and having so much to do all the time. I graduate and I'm done. Thank god.
The Dark:
Well, I want to go to graduate school in the fall of 2012, but I don't think I can get in. They want amazing people, and I just don't see myself fitting into that category. Who knows, maybe going to Peru will help. But still.
You know, my viewpoint of myself has been really shitty lately. I've been really mean to me!!! I just don't like myself. I feel like I'm nothing special, like I'm average, and all kinds of other really nasty stuff that I probably should put here. But I've been super mean to me lately. I don't know what's up.
Also, trying to figure out this whole wedding thing is stressful enough as it is. So we aren't getting married in July like planned but fuck now we have no date and nothing is getting done and it's stressing me out like crazy!! Ahh!! Seriously, I'm about ready to just grab the wedding party and family who wants to go, run away to Vegas, and just get married. Who needs to do something fancy, anyway? Uhg, I'm tired of this whole thing just sitting over my head.
Showing posts with label Lovers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lovers. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Unknown
I've been thinking a lot about the past lately, and how much different events can completely shape you and your life into different directions. Specifically, I've been thinking about the people I've let in to my life, the ones I held close, and the ones who meant the most to be. I think about how I've been hurt, how when you love someone you give them the power to completely destroy you and you hold on and hope they don't do it.
I'm getting married in five months. And I still go through the thought of wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I think it's because of the two other people that I let in and held close, the two other people I was sure I was going to spend my life with and how both of them destroyed it. Yeah, I held a part in it, but it always makes you question the legitimacy of a relationship and the point of putting your faith in forever when it's already be tarnished and destroyed not once but twice before. I gave these guys everything, and then they threw it back in my face. Sometimes I wonder if that's what's pushed me to be a cynic towards love, towards the idea that people can care for one another.
I love, and yet I feel nothing. It's the fear that holds me back, the fear that keeps me from saying everything I think and feel, the fear that I will be broken once again and never cared for. Because when the people you feel for most try to break you, why should you trust that everyone else won't do the same? I love Chris more than anything, and yet a part of me holds back because what if he does the same? He's my second longest relationship, and yet it's still moving towards surpassing the longest. My fear is that the longer I'm with him, the more he'll see whatever the others saw and he'll leave me, too. And maybe my thoughts of leaving are there because if I end it first, then it won't hurt so bad when he leaves me. I'm scared to admit this, admit how I really feel and the thoughts that continually run through my head. I'm scared to be alone, and scared to care for another. I'm scared.
I'm getting married in five months. And I still go through the thought of wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I think it's because of the two other people that I let in and held close, the two other people I was sure I was going to spend my life with and how both of them destroyed it. Yeah, I held a part in it, but it always makes you question the legitimacy of a relationship and the point of putting your faith in forever when it's already be tarnished and destroyed not once but twice before. I gave these guys everything, and then they threw it back in my face. Sometimes I wonder if that's what's pushed me to be a cynic towards love, towards the idea that people can care for one another.
I love, and yet I feel nothing. It's the fear that holds me back, the fear that keeps me from saying everything I think and feel, the fear that I will be broken once again and never cared for. Because when the people you feel for most try to break you, why should you trust that everyone else won't do the same? I love Chris more than anything, and yet a part of me holds back because what if he does the same? He's my second longest relationship, and yet it's still moving towards surpassing the longest. My fear is that the longer I'm with him, the more he'll see whatever the others saw and he'll leave me, too. And maybe my thoughts of leaving are there because if I end it first, then it won't hurt so bad when he leaves me. I'm scared to admit this, admit how I really feel and the thoughts that continually run through my head. I'm scared to be alone, and scared to care for another. I'm scared.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Grad School?
Currently that's the issue I'm mulling over in my head. Do I want to go to grad school and get a master's in Forensics or do I want to go to law school. Luckily, there are a couple of schools where you can actually do both. Still, you have to be accepted into each program individually. Uhg. I've been looking at numerous grad schools, and after I get through those I'm probably going to start checking out law schools. Oi. If only I knew what to do with my life.
I'm finally done with recruitment and finally unsilenced. I can reassociate with Zeta, however it sucks because I work nights. This means that even though I can hang out with them and wear shirts and whatever else, I still can't really go to anything because I'm always working. FML. I guess that's what happens in the big kid world, you lose time to do fun things as you work your butt off to make ends meet. Sometimes I wish I wasn't growing up. Plus, no matter where I go for school in 2012, I'm going to be moving to a place I don't know (more likely than not) and being far from everyone and everything I know. Alright, the only schools in Forensics are basically on the coasts, and mostly in the northeast. If I moved there I'd be close to family I've never really known well, and if I moved to California I'd be really close to family I rarely see. If I go to Florida, well, there's no one there. Nore is there anyone in Michigan or Illinois. *Sigh* Life is hard.
The good thing is the stability and happiness that Chris gives me. Whenever I start to lose hope or get really down he's always there to pick me back up and remind me that I'm okay. No matter what I freak out about, from Zeta to being a hypochondriac (and all that comes with that) to school, to family, to life, he's always there to keep me sane. He loves me and supports me in all I do, and he's there for me. Always. I fucking love this guy.
Well, life is kicking my ass. I'm a student who's taking overtime in hours (full time max is 18, I'm doing 20), I'm working two jobs, I'm in many extracurricular activities, and I still manage to maintain a 3.3 GPA and a social life. I think I'm superwoman.
I'm finally done with recruitment and finally unsilenced. I can reassociate with Zeta, however it sucks because I work nights. This means that even though I can hang out with them and wear shirts and whatever else, I still can't really go to anything because I'm always working. FML. I guess that's what happens in the big kid world, you lose time to do fun things as you work your butt off to make ends meet. Sometimes I wish I wasn't growing up. Plus, no matter where I go for school in 2012, I'm going to be moving to a place I don't know (more likely than not) and being far from everyone and everything I know. Alright, the only schools in Forensics are basically on the coasts, and mostly in the northeast. If I moved there I'd be close to family I've never really known well, and if I moved to California I'd be really close to family I rarely see. If I go to Florida, well, there's no one there. Nore is there anyone in Michigan or Illinois. *Sigh* Life is hard.
The good thing is the stability and happiness that Chris gives me. Whenever I start to lose hope or get really down he's always there to pick me back up and remind me that I'm okay. No matter what I freak out about, from Zeta to being a hypochondriac (and all that comes with that) to school, to family, to life, he's always there to keep me sane. He loves me and supports me in all I do, and he's there for me. Always. I fucking love this guy.
Well, life is kicking my ass. I'm a student who's taking overtime in hours (full time max is 18, I'm doing 20), I'm working two jobs, I'm in many extracurricular activities, and I still manage to maintain a 3.3 GPA and a social life. I think I'm superwoman.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
School Year '10-'11
Oi. Yup, it's started. Huzzah!! I've figured out that I only have three semesters left until I graduate with a double major. Sweet! Also, haven't yet decided what it is I'm going to do after school. A part of me wants to be a lawyer, and yet part of me thinks that's a bad idea. I don't know. Luckily, after I graduate I'm taking a semester off so hopefully I can figure out at least a few more steps of what I'm going to do after school. Oi.
As of now I am planning recruitment for all Women's Greek Organizations on campus. Woo! Also, planning a wedding, working, and going to school full time. Jeez mon'! Luckily I have amazing friends, like Lish, who are there all along the way. And what would I do without Chris? He really is my rock. He's the resounding figure that's pushing me to get through school, to not give up when things get tough, and my shoulder to cry on when it feels like everything is falling apart. And that's part of why I'm marrying him.
I really need to clean my house, though. It's stressing me out because it's so dirty, and the cats are throwing a fit that we haven't cleaned the litter box in a while. Ew. I'm still debating on whether or not to clean after I post this. I've been feeling sick all day, but honestly, maybe it's in part due to the state of my house right now. Gah, if only I had a washer and drier. I was so close, too! Well, we'll see what happens. Maybe I'll wash a few dishes then go to sleep. I've done some homework today, so I'm feeling pretty decent. Worked tonight, did well, missed a class because I almost passed out and threw up everywhere, but overall I'm feeling okay at this point. Just tired. So maybe all I'll do is some dishes. And maybe the litter box. Or I'll have Chris do it when he gets home.
As of now I am planning recruitment for all Women's Greek Organizations on campus. Woo! Also, planning a wedding, working, and going to school full time. Jeez mon'! Luckily I have amazing friends, like Lish, who are there all along the way. And what would I do without Chris? He really is my rock. He's the resounding figure that's pushing me to get through school, to not give up when things get tough, and my shoulder to cry on when it feels like everything is falling apart. And that's part of why I'm marrying him.
I really need to clean my house, though. It's stressing me out because it's so dirty, and the cats are throwing a fit that we haven't cleaned the litter box in a while. Ew. I'm still debating on whether or not to clean after I post this. I've been feeling sick all day, but honestly, maybe it's in part due to the state of my house right now. Gah, if only I had a washer and drier. I was so close, too! Well, we'll see what happens. Maybe I'll wash a few dishes then go to sleep. I've done some homework today, so I'm feeling pretty decent. Worked tonight, did well, missed a class because I almost passed out and threw up everywhere, but overall I'm feeling okay at this point. Just tired. So maybe all I'll do is some dishes. And maybe the litter box. Or I'll have Chris do it when he gets home.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Wedding
So, for those of you who read this who haven't seen or heard elsewhere, I am getting married. Technically, Chris and I got engaged in March, and it has been one of the most difficult things keeping it a secret until now. Still, it was worth it.
You know, I never really thought about weddings much until I actually got engaged. Sure, I've thought about it in passing because Stahelin and I, as well as Sam and I, have talked about getting married. I was sort of engaged (to us we were, officially we weren't) but because it was such a thing as only between us, I didn't take it too seriously. Is it bad that it's hard for me to trust a guy who says he wants to spend his life with me until he actually commits with something like a ring? It makes me feel selfish, or cruel, like I use them or lie to them emotionally until they "prove" themselves. But what else can I do? I've already been with two guys who swore on everything they had that I meant the world to them. I gave them everything, and trusted them fully, only to have them turn their backs on me in the end. I was ready to give them my life, and yet it was they who left me. So does it make me a bad person to have a harder time to believe the third who says the same?
Still, he really is serious, and I'm glad. Chris is amazing. He means the world to me. I don't think I could have found a better guy. He makes me so happy in so many ways, and I feel I can truly be myself with him. I don't feel like he judges me for who I am. And he wants me to say what I feel, what I think, rather than judging me for it and pushing me to keep myself locked inside. I'm happy, and I'm getting married =]
For those of you who know me, be ready for 2012. Send me an email if you want more information and desire to attend; I'd love to have you there!
You know, I never really thought about weddings much until I actually got engaged. Sure, I've thought about it in passing because Stahelin and I, as well as Sam and I, have talked about getting married. I was sort of engaged (to us we were, officially we weren't) but because it was such a thing as only between us, I didn't take it too seriously. Is it bad that it's hard for me to trust a guy who says he wants to spend his life with me until he actually commits with something like a ring? It makes me feel selfish, or cruel, like I use them or lie to them emotionally until they "prove" themselves. But what else can I do? I've already been with two guys who swore on everything they had that I meant the world to them. I gave them everything, and trusted them fully, only to have them turn their backs on me in the end. I was ready to give them my life, and yet it was they who left me. So does it make me a bad person to have a harder time to believe the third who says the same?
Still, he really is serious, and I'm glad. Chris is amazing. He means the world to me. I don't think I could have found a better guy. He makes me so happy in so many ways, and I feel I can truly be myself with him. I don't feel like he judges me for who I am. And he wants me to say what I feel, what I think, rather than judging me for it and pushing me to keep myself locked inside. I'm happy, and I'm getting married =]
For those of you who know me, be ready for 2012. Send me an email if you want more information and desire to attend; I'd love to have you there!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Home
Well, Albuquerque home at least. I'm back a day later than originally intended because of too much snow and road closures. In New Mexico. Weird, I know. The weird thing about being in my room is how much it doesn't feel like my room anymore. Most things here aren't the same as they were when I lived here. I've taken all the posters from here. While there are a few things left on the walls they are mostly bare. Most of my furniture is still here, but not all of it. I look around the room and remember how it used to be my sanctuary. It was the one place I could truly escape. It was the one place I could truly call my own, where nothing could hurt me. I look around and I know now that it is just a place. Old memories linger in the air. I've had this room for eight years now. That is eight years of memories hanging. So much has happened in those eight years. I moved in during the spring break of my sixth grade year. Now I'm in my second year away at college. So much happened. So much changed. So much of me changed. I'm not the same little eleven year old girl I was who first looked into this room with wonder as I got to experience moving for the first time. Yeah, I'd moved before, but this was the first time I'd gotten to pack boxes, change locations, unpack, design the setup of my own room, and decide what I wanted. I've watched this room grow and change as I have. It went from a minty green to a sapphire blue when all I wanted was for my walls to be black. It went from happy and innocent to troubled and angsty teen. It went through suicidal me, happy me. It saw me at my best, it's seen me at my worst. And yet, all it is is a room. It has no feelings, no emotions. It can't understand what it means to me, and now, after being at school, that's all I can see it as. It's just a room, a room that used to be my sanctuary. But it's no longer mine. My stuff resides here, but they are just material objects that have little connection to me and my current life. And I realize that I have no place now that serves the same function as this room did. I have nothing in my life now that provides the same comfort. The closest I have is Chris, and yet relationships are always shaky in my mind for none of mine seem to last. I've been told I'm loved and that they will never leave by too many people, and all have broken me and left. It's hard to trust a person, give them everything after so many have taken it all then thrown it in your face after cracking it a bit more. It's hard to believe when they say they will never leave. Buildings are strong. They rarely fail. They don't give up. But it is just a building. A building can't love you back, and that's why I care so much more for a person than I will ever care for a room that held me, a cold and lonely child lost in the dark of this world. Now I stand with another's hand in mine and we walk through the dark with our heads held high knowing that wherever we go, we go together. Yeah I'm "home" in the comfort of an old companion, but it's a companion that has aged beyond its ability to love me back. My true companion, my true support, is found in another person, and it is through his support that I travel now.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Coming Home
I moved back home from Portales on Saturday. I didn't realize that I had so much crap. Holy cow. The worst part is that a lot of it is stuff that I don't need while I'm at home, like first aid stuff, laundry detergent, sheets for beds of different sizes, food, etc. And, because I didn't have it here to begin with, finding a place to put it now is difficult. So I have come to the conclusion that it's time for another room emptying session where I get rid of more stuff. Only problem is I'm a pack rat and I hold on to sentimental stuff for ages. Bleh.
Life at home is...interesting. I get to see Chris pretty much every day (which is awesome), see friends I haven't seen in a while, and hang out with my sister. It's just being home that's....odd. I get the strangest feeling from my dad that I'm just someone who lives here that he really wishes wouldn't. I hate that feeling, like I'm being loathed for existing and costing him money. Oi. My mom says it's not like that at all, but it's still the feeling I get from him. Bleh.
Once again I'm into the predicament of finding a summer job. Only this summer, it's essential that I get one. Uhg. But who would want to hire someone for only two and a half months? Bleh. But I'm eighteen and that means that if I displeased parents in the slightest they can kick me out of the house and my life becomes that much more difficult. Still, my mom had a good point. It'd be better for my own sanity and mental well-being not to be in the house all day every day with my dad this summer. We'd be at each other's throats in a heartbeat. *shiver*
So right now, I've applied at Albertson's. Hopefully I can turn in an app to Starbucks and Wendy's today. My only issue is that I'm limited to places within walking distance from my house. Es no bueno, aye? Oh well. It means money and money means my life gets slightly simpler. And my parents will be off my back.
Life at home is...interesting. I get to see Chris pretty much every day (which is awesome), see friends I haven't seen in a while, and hang out with my sister. It's just being home that's....odd. I get the strangest feeling from my dad that I'm just someone who lives here that he really wishes wouldn't. I hate that feeling, like I'm being loathed for existing and costing him money. Oi. My mom says it's not like that at all, but it's still the feeling I get from him. Bleh.
Once again I'm into the predicament of finding a summer job. Only this summer, it's essential that I get one. Uhg. But who would want to hire someone for only two and a half months? Bleh. But I'm eighteen and that means that if I displeased parents in the slightest they can kick me out of the house and my life becomes that much more difficult. Still, my mom had a good point. It'd be better for my own sanity and mental well-being not to be in the house all day every day with my dad this summer. We'd be at each other's throats in a heartbeat. *shiver*
So right now, I've applied at Albertson's. Hopefully I can turn in an app to Starbucks and Wendy's today. My only issue is that I'm limited to places within walking distance from my house. Es no bueno, aye? Oh well. It means money and money means my life gets slightly simpler. And my parents will be off my back.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
ECSTATIC
Holy cow, life has taken a turn for the most amazing adventure EVER. I'm so excited!! And I now have a list for why life is perfect.
1. Chris
He's so amazing, I have no idea how I've lived without him. Plus, I'm pretty sure that I would not ahve made it through the last couple of months if he hadn't been by my side the whole time reminding me that I could do it.
2. I got to take my Biology Lab final outside yesterday. And I think I aced it.
3. All three tests that I had today (Chemistry Lab final included) are over with, and I think I passed them all.
4. Two days left of classes and then it's just a week of finals.
5. Chris.
6. Bri is out of town for tonight so I have the room to myself.
7. I know where I'm living next year!!!
8. The room is mostly clean.
9. I can kick back and relax for the next couple of days.
10. Chris gets to pick me up and take me home next weekend!!!! XD
11. School is almost over.
12. Initiation for Zeta is on Friday. Then, nothing to worry about with them after this weekend.
13. My stress-filled life is about to be stress-free ^.^
14. I can sleep now if I felt like it.
15. Chris is just so freakin' amazing!!!!
So yes, life is great. And I am pumped. Yay!!! And I'm not pulling my hair out anymore over all the insanity that is/was filling my life. Yay!!!
1. Chris
He's so amazing, I have no idea how I've lived without him. Plus, I'm pretty sure that I would not ahve made it through the last couple of months if he hadn't been by my side the whole time reminding me that I could do it.
2. I got to take my Biology Lab final outside yesterday. And I think I aced it.
3. All three tests that I had today (Chemistry Lab final included) are over with, and I think I passed them all.
4. Two days left of classes and then it's just a week of finals.
5. Chris.
6. Bri is out of town for tonight so I have the room to myself.
7. I know where I'm living next year!!!
8. The room is mostly clean.
9. I can kick back and relax for the next couple of days.
10. Chris gets to pick me up and take me home next weekend!!!! XD
11. School is almost over.
12. Initiation for Zeta is on Friday. Then, nothing to worry about with them after this weekend.
13. My stress-filled life is about to be stress-free ^.^
14. I can sleep now if I felt like it.
15. Chris is just so freakin' amazing!!!!
So yes, life is great. And I am pumped. Yay!!! And I'm not pulling my hair out anymore over all the insanity that is/was filling my life. Yay!!!
Friday, April 17, 2009
Life!
Life. Is. Crazy. But then again, who's life isn't? I've been crazy stressed out, on the edge of psychosis, struggling to stay alive, see friends, I'm head-over-heels in love, and somehow I'm still alive. I don't get it. After my meltdown on Monday, I spent substantial time on Tuesday trying to figure out what is stressing me out in life. Without finishing the list, I got up to 73 reasons. Again, I don't know how I'm not dead. I think it's Chris keeping me alive and giving me a reason to keep trying. All my friends say we're disgustingly adorable but I just don't care, actually. I love him too much to really pay attention to people and what they say. So for the remaining four weeks of school I'm going to continue trying just because of him. =]
Monday, April 6, 2009
Spring Break
Let's just say this: srping break did not feel like one week. It felt more as if I had just spent the last month back home. That's how freakin' spectacular it was.
Breaks. What to say about them? From one perspective, yeah, it could be a highly useful block of time when you have absolutely nothing that you have to do, no where you need to go. It's the perfect time to get caught up on everything in life that you've been neglecting. Perfect, right? I think so.
What have I been neglecting? Me. I'm sorry, but it's true. I've been so bogged down with life recently that air is always a nice little refreshing afterthought that never comes. The calm before the storm? It's long past, and the storm has yet to be over. But along comes a delightful little break that I can spend at home. One week back in my hometown with the people I love and doing anything I want. It's amazing.
So what happened over my break? Snow, rain, doctor visits, movies, lap tag, ice skating, dancing, singing, driving, cuddling, freezing, burning, fighting, sleeping. Win.
I left for home a day early because the eastern side of the state was under a winter weather alert for the whole week leading up to the Friday I had been intending on heading home. Luckily for me, I got home before the storm hit and the interstates closed. Win.
Weekend was great. I saw Chris for ample amounts of time, introduced him to the magic of lap tag, and received my first boquet of flowers ever.
During the week, I visited doctors about my breating issues. Turns out I have a deviated septum in my nose which then lead to me getting a cyst in one of my sinuses so over the summer I get to spend a good amount of time doing surgery and recovery. Fun. Haha. Right. *spark of sarcasm*
I actually got sick on Thursday night but I think I'm better now (I hope so at least). Chris made me tea and helped me sleep though and that right there was huge win. HUGE!! There was ample time for cuddling and hugging and loving and movie watching too. Oh, there was dinner with my parents, dinner with his parents, and lots of family get-to-know-one-another time. Woo! But his family is really cool so more wins!!
Ice skating pursued on Saturday. Yay! I haven't been skating since August so super treat right there. Phenominal food was also provided. Yay! Plus, Chris's brother and my sister are getting along well and that makes me happy.
Sunday I took off back here at school, but it's okay, because break was awesome. I'm totally refreshed and pumped about school again (which was definitely needed; all enthusiasm died a few weeks ago) and so now I'm ready to take on the world plus Chris is so amazing I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. *sigh* Life is just so amazing.
Breaks. What to say about them? From one perspective, yeah, it could be a highly useful block of time when you have absolutely nothing that you have to do, no where you need to go. It's the perfect time to get caught up on everything in life that you've been neglecting. Perfect, right? I think so.
What have I been neglecting? Me. I'm sorry, but it's true. I've been so bogged down with life recently that air is always a nice little refreshing afterthought that never comes. The calm before the storm? It's long past, and the storm has yet to be over. But along comes a delightful little break that I can spend at home. One week back in my hometown with the people I love and doing anything I want. It's amazing.
So what happened over my break? Snow, rain, doctor visits, movies, lap tag, ice skating, dancing, singing, driving, cuddling, freezing, burning, fighting, sleeping. Win.
I left for home a day early because the eastern side of the state was under a winter weather alert for the whole week leading up to the Friday I had been intending on heading home. Luckily for me, I got home before the storm hit and the interstates closed. Win.
Weekend was great. I saw Chris for ample amounts of time, introduced him to the magic of lap tag, and received my first boquet of flowers ever.
During the week, I visited doctors about my breating issues. Turns out I have a deviated septum in my nose which then lead to me getting a cyst in one of my sinuses so over the summer I get to spend a good amount of time doing surgery and recovery. Fun. Haha. Right. *spark of sarcasm*
I actually got sick on Thursday night but I think I'm better now (I hope so at least). Chris made me tea and helped me sleep though and that right there was huge win. HUGE!! There was ample time for cuddling and hugging and loving and movie watching too. Oh, there was dinner with my parents, dinner with his parents, and lots of family get-to-know-one-another time. Woo! But his family is really cool so more wins!!
Ice skating pursued on Saturday. Yay! I haven't been skating since August so super treat right there. Phenominal food was also provided. Yay! Plus, Chris's brother and my sister are getting along well and that makes me happy.
Sunday I took off back here at school, but it's okay, because break was awesome. I'm totally refreshed and pumped about school again (which was definitely needed; all enthusiasm died a few weeks ago) and so now I'm ready to take on the world plus Chris is so amazing I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. *sigh* Life is just so amazing.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Relationships
I know, I'm talking about them again. But this time, it's not about mine.
So I'm growing up. Obviously. I'm eighteen. I'm in college. I have a lot of friends who are older than me. But something I'm not used to is the idea of marriage.
Individuals that I've met in college who are in their twenties, yes, I can understand the marriage factor. I've got plenty of those. It's not weird to me. I came back from break in January to learn that two of my Zeta sisters got engaged. Not that bad. But it's weird when the people I've known for a while are doing it.
I found out a couple days ago that one of my best friend's best friends got married last week. That was a shock. Crazy story to accompany that one but still. So now he's married. That was surprising.
On Saturday, one of my friends from high school that I've been friends with a minimum of four years got engaged. Holy Crap!!! Last time I checked, she was living in Paris far from here and no relationship whatsoever. Now she's engaged. I'm shocked.
But that's part of growing up, isn't it? First all the friends get into relationships (which was the weird thing I had to get used to last year and the year before). Now they're starting to get engaged. Eventually it'll be the marriages and then kids. Oi. We're getting old.
So I'm growing up. Obviously. I'm eighteen. I'm in college. I have a lot of friends who are older than me. But something I'm not used to is the idea of marriage.
Individuals that I've met in college who are in their twenties, yes, I can understand the marriage factor. I've got plenty of those. It's not weird to me. I came back from break in January to learn that two of my Zeta sisters got engaged. Not that bad. But it's weird when the people I've known for a while are doing it.
I found out a couple days ago that one of my best friend's best friends got married last week. That was a shock. Crazy story to accompany that one but still. So now he's married. That was surprising.
On Saturday, one of my friends from high school that I've been friends with a minimum of four years got engaged. Holy Crap!!! Last time I checked, she was living in Paris far from here and no relationship whatsoever. Now she's engaged. I'm shocked.
But that's part of growing up, isn't it? First all the friends get into relationships (which was the weird thing I had to get used to last year and the year before). Now they're starting to get engaged. Eventually it'll be the marriages and then kids. Oi. We're getting old.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
One Month
That's how long my epicness of happiness has been going on. AND it's all because of this amazing man who stepped into my life. Today is (in case you didn't figure it out) our one month. Yay! I'm so excited ^.^ Seriously, I feel as if I've been living merely a half-life up until now. It was like I was blind to the world until Chris came around and now I've been blinded. Who knows if I'll ever be able to see clearly again?
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Relationships
You know what really sucks about relationships? When you care about a friend and they're in a bad relationship and won't leave. That sucks. Then you try to tell them they should leave, but they don't want to listen to you because they're so madly in love with the person who keeps hurting them. (This isn't physical abuse, so don't worry). But it's horrible. And it sucks, because I want to be there for her and get her out of the verbally abusive relationship because it reminds me so much of my past relationship but I can't get her out of it any faster than anyone could have gotten me out of mine. And it SUCKS!!!!
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Surprising Weekend
So this weekend I went home for the 2008 Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta. For those of you who have no idea what in the world that is, basically it's over 800 hot air balloons all getting together for about 9 days to fly every morning. It's amazing. Anyway, I am friends with a balloon pilot who flies Fiesta and so I help crew. If you don't know what a balloon crew does, they are the ones who help set up the balloon, fill it with air, and get it into the air. Then they chase the balloon with the pilot inside and when the balloon comes down, the crew is there to catch them and help bring the balloon down. It's sooo much fun. Thus, this weekend I decided to enjoy my time and go crew. It was good stuff. So here's what made it weird.
I was introduced to my pilot, John, by my ex-boyfriend, Sam. Sam has been crewing for John for at least 11 years (I think). Well, his parents aren't really crewing much these days and he lacks a car, so he wouldn't be able to crew Fiesta this year unless he had a ride. Last year I was his ride, but since we broke up this past January, we hadn't really talked that much and I was under the impression that he pretty much hated me with a fiery passion. Still, Fiesta is the BIGGEST time for crewing, and definitely the most fun. Because I wouldn't have had the opportunity to ever go to Fiesta, let alone crew it without having had Sam in my life, I figured it was only appropriate for me to ask if he wanted to go as well during the one weekend I was going to be there for it. So I called him up about two weeks before Fiesta to ask if he wanted to go. He was kind of busy so he said to call him later. During the week leading up to Fiesta, I called him again and we decided that he was going to come with me and crew that weekend. It was weird because he talked to me like we'd been friends for the past nine months rather than on a non-speaking basis. That Friday last week we arranged what time I'd be coming to get him and when we'd be meeting up and all those finer details. So at 4:15 a.m. on Saturday morning I showed up at his house and we went to crew Fiesta.
It wasn't bad, actually. However, it did prove to be a bit awkward. For one, his scent was driving me insane. What you have to remember is that we started dating when I was clinically depressed, and his smell helped make me feel better (mainly because I'd be held to him and I'd be smelling him so his smell comforted me). I haven't smelled it in over nine months (because I can't remember smelling it much during the last few months we were together) and so to have it take over the van we were in was driving me insane. Another thing was I didn't know how to act towards him, and I don't think he knew how to act around me. We both felt a little weird. Still, by the end of the day, we were talking at least, and messing around a bit like we used to. Still, it was a little awkward.
That night, I ended up hanging out with him (unexpectedly, for it wasn't planned). We pretty much drove around town for about an hour and a half just talking and catching each other up on our lives since we'd last really talked, which was in January. I also found out in that conversation that he never hated me, and that's when I learned just how much it was affecting me thinking that he hated me all this time. It was amazing. Just suddenly how much everything changed by hearing the words, "I never hated you." It hit me then just how much he still meant to me. And then everything I've been trying to block up in my mind for the past nine months starting breaking my wall. More and more started to slip through. I went home that night feeling so relieved it was insane.
The next morning, we didn't crew, because it was raining all night. But it was okay. My friend, Kim, had come with me to crew, so her, Sam, and myself decided that even though we weren't crewing we'd hang out anyway. All we did was sit in my car next to a park just jamming to Jack Johnson and talking. It was nice. And I learned that Sam and I were friends again. Just like that. Nine months of hating (by me) and silence and angst and then after 24 hours it was shattered and suddenly we were friends just like before. I was stunned. I went back to school that afternoon completely dazed from the shock. It was like the past nine months hadn't happened, or like it had just been a weekend apart. My wall blocking all my thoughts and emotions towards Sam completely crumbled beneath the weight of everything. And then I started to realize some things.
For one, what if Sam had been hurting this whole time as much as I have? I wouldn't feel so bad about everything if I knew he had hurt as much as I had. I spent so much time denying the fact that my heart was crying every day because I'd lost my best friend and my other half. For nine months I'd been denying the fact that I was so upset. I lived my life pretending that I didn't care and that I hated him, but I couldn't, because I still loved him. I pushed myself to do so much that I wouldn't have done before as a means of trying to forget about him, to move on, and yet I still couldn't do it. I'd still have days where all I could do was think about him and how upset I was. And I realized that maybe he felt the same, and maybe he was doing the same thing.
And then, what if I had hurt him as bad as he hurt me? He broke up with me, but I flat out told him I didn't care because I was going to break up with him anyway, he just beat me to it. What if that hurt him even more because he hadn't really wanted to break up, but was just scared to do it? Then to find out that I didn't even care, because it was coming anyway. I mean, that had the potential to be the destroyer of worlds. And what if some of the stuff that he had said, like how he had supposedly never loved me, had only been said because it would make the pain of losing me feel like less than it was? What if we'd both been living a lie to try and deny the fact that we both felt like death about being apart and not speaking?
That's when I realized that I couldn't just pretend like he hadn't affected me the way he had. I am who I am because he was a part of my life. I grew and changed and matured with him and it was because of our relationship that I am who I am. And so much shifted in my brain that I don't know what I'm going to do now. I guess I'll just keep going, and see how this develops.
I was introduced to my pilot, John, by my ex-boyfriend, Sam. Sam has been crewing for John for at least 11 years (I think). Well, his parents aren't really crewing much these days and he lacks a car, so he wouldn't be able to crew Fiesta this year unless he had a ride. Last year I was his ride, but since we broke up this past January, we hadn't really talked that much and I was under the impression that he pretty much hated me with a fiery passion. Still, Fiesta is the BIGGEST time for crewing, and definitely the most fun. Because I wouldn't have had the opportunity to ever go to Fiesta, let alone crew it without having had Sam in my life, I figured it was only appropriate for me to ask if he wanted to go as well during the one weekend I was going to be there for it. So I called him up about two weeks before Fiesta to ask if he wanted to go. He was kind of busy so he said to call him later. During the week leading up to Fiesta, I called him again and we decided that he was going to come with me and crew that weekend. It was weird because he talked to me like we'd been friends for the past nine months rather than on a non-speaking basis. That Friday last week we arranged what time I'd be coming to get him and when we'd be meeting up and all those finer details. So at 4:15 a.m. on Saturday morning I showed up at his house and we went to crew Fiesta.
It wasn't bad, actually. However, it did prove to be a bit awkward. For one, his scent was driving me insane. What you have to remember is that we started dating when I was clinically depressed, and his smell helped make me feel better (mainly because I'd be held to him and I'd be smelling him so his smell comforted me). I haven't smelled it in over nine months (because I can't remember smelling it much during the last few months we were together) and so to have it take over the van we were in was driving me insane. Another thing was I didn't know how to act towards him, and I don't think he knew how to act around me. We both felt a little weird. Still, by the end of the day, we were talking at least, and messing around a bit like we used to. Still, it was a little awkward.
That night, I ended up hanging out with him (unexpectedly, for it wasn't planned). We pretty much drove around town for about an hour and a half just talking and catching each other up on our lives since we'd last really talked, which was in January. I also found out in that conversation that he never hated me, and that's when I learned just how much it was affecting me thinking that he hated me all this time. It was amazing. Just suddenly how much everything changed by hearing the words, "I never hated you." It hit me then just how much he still meant to me. And then everything I've been trying to block up in my mind for the past nine months starting breaking my wall. More and more started to slip through. I went home that night feeling so relieved it was insane.
The next morning, we didn't crew, because it was raining all night. But it was okay. My friend, Kim, had come with me to crew, so her, Sam, and myself decided that even though we weren't crewing we'd hang out anyway. All we did was sit in my car next to a park just jamming to Jack Johnson and talking. It was nice. And I learned that Sam and I were friends again. Just like that. Nine months of hating (by me) and silence and angst and then after 24 hours it was shattered and suddenly we were friends just like before. I was stunned. I went back to school that afternoon completely dazed from the shock. It was like the past nine months hadn't happened, or like it had just been a weekend apart. My wall blocking all my thoughts and emotions towards Sam completely crumbled beneath the weight of everything. And then I started to realize some things.
For one, what if Sam had been hurting this whole time as much as I have? I wouldn't feel so bad about everything if I knew he had hurt as much as I had. I spent so much time denying the fact that my heart was crying every day because I'd lost my best friend and my other half. For nine months I'd been denying the fact that I was so upset. I lived my life pretending that I didn't care and that I hated him, but I couldn't, because I still loved him. I pushed myself to do so much that I wouldn't have done before as a means of trying to forget about him, to move on, and yet I still couldn't do it. I'd still have days where all I could do was think about him and how upset I was. And I realized that maybe he felt the same, and maybe he was doing the same thing.
And then, what if I had hurt him as bad as he hurt me? He broke up with me, but I flat out told him I didn't care because I was going to break up with him anyway, he just beat me to it. What if that hurt him even more because he hadn't really wanted to break up, but was just scared to do it? Then to find out that I didn't even care, because it was coming anyway. I mean, that had the potential to be the destroyer of worlds. And what if some of the stuff that he had said, like how he had supposedly never loved me, had only been said because it would make the pain of losing me feel like less than it was? What if we'd both been living a lie to try and deny the fact that we both felt like death about being apart and not speaking?
That's when I realized that I couldn't just pretend like he hadn't affected me the way he had. I am who I am because he was a part of my life. I grew and changed and matured with him and it was because of our relationship that I am who I am. And so much shifted in my brain that I don't know what I'm going to do now. I guess I'll just keep going, and see how this develops.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
My Life is SO Weird
My life nowadays always seems to have a way of working its way right back where I want it. I don't know how, it just always does. Every time something comes and knocks it out of whack, it finds its way back and I have no idea how. Here's my two guesses: 1. I have REALLY GOOD karma. 2. I am a master at the Law of Attraction. Why do I say this? Mainly because Jarrod and I are still friends and I'm not ready to kill Lynsie anymore.
So let's start with the first theory, I have FANTASTIC karma. I'm not going to deny that one. If you've ever looked at my life you will notice that I always get great things happening to me. Just as things are starting to look bad something good always comes along. I'm not kidding, my karmic energy is phenomenal. I'm not sure how, maybe I can save karmic energy from past lives and let it all accumulate (like roll-over minutes haha lol roll-0ver karma points lmao). Either way, karma always seems to be in my favor. At least, nowadays. But then again, doesn't karma sort of tie into the Law of Attraction?
So the second theory, I'm a master at the Law of Attraction*. This makes sense. If you don't know me, let me enlighten you. A couple years ago I was seriously depressed. I was suicidal. Yes, I was cutting. I contemplated suicide on a fairly regular basis and for all those who did know me at that time, you know that nothing helped. I had to see a councilor, I was put on mood-stabilizers (because I'm a bit bipolar), and still, nothing was really making a difference. Now you are probably wondering how this applies to me being a master of the Law of Attraction. Well, it's simple. Take the negative side of that Law and you had me: the Master of Negativity. Here's what I kept thinking over and over and over again:
1. My life sucks.
2. My parents hate me.
3. No one at school likes me.
4. I have no friends.
5. My sister is a bitch who is out to ruin my life.
6. I'm fat.
These six things were what I thought about all the time. Now, we know the universe likes to give you what you ask for. So what happened? I got all of the above tenfold. It sucked. Basically it turned out like so:
1. I hated everything in life and was miserable enough to be suicidal.
2. My parents and I fought all the time.
3. People at school gave me dirty looks and talked shit about me behind my back.
4. My friends stopped talking to me and left me alone.
5. My sister and I would yell and fight (yes, physically too) at every opportunity.
6. I gained 40 lbs in a year.
Yeah, Law of Attraction works alright. And guess what? I had to learn that the hard way. I had to learn that I made my life exactly that. I had to learn the hard way that I lost everything I cared about most because I was so damn negative. What a lot of people probably don't know, however, is that is was my friend and soon-to-be boyfriend, Sam, that helped me out of it. How? Well, he was in the same position I was, and as soon as I started to see what he was doing, it snapped me out of it. I saw what he was doing and it got me out of my introspective nightmare. I realized that everything he was doing to himself was an exact reflection of what I was doing to myself. Together, we both grew out of it and moved on. If you've talked to me recently, you know I've talked a lot of trash about Sam, but the truth is, I still owe him my life. He helped me more than anyone could and saved my life. I still have to respect that. It was because of him that I could see how my thoughts made my life exactly that. When my thoughts were a lie, the universe turned it into a truth. That's how I learned about the Law of Attraction.
It wasn't until this past year, however, that I really started to get how to be positive. It really hit me when Sam and I broke up (yeah, we were together for almost two years. He was my first boyfriend. It ended badly. We don't talk anymore). After that moment, I started to really see things. I got out of a world that existed of only two people, Sam and myself. I started to see the world for what it was. I saw people and really saw them for the first time. I started to realize that I had friends. My parents and I get along great. My sister is one of my many best friends. I'm losing weight. I'm going to a school that's right for me. Everything in my life is going exactly the way I want it to. People always wish that their lives could be perfect. Mine already is. I'm surrounded by great people. I learn something new every day. I have a huge circle of friends. Life is amazing. And I made it happen.
So hwo does this apply to me now? Well, Jarrod is talking to me and we're still good friends (yes, name of said guy that I've liked for ages is Jarrod. I'm tired of alluding to him). I'm not so angry at my cousin anymore. I forgive her. And life just went back to the way it was before yesterday blew up in my face. Strange. My life is SO weird.
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*For those of you who don't understand, it's a simple concept. Basically, what you put out is what you get back threefold (or close to anyway). So let's say you send out a small, marble-sized amount of love to someone you know. In turn, the universe will give you back a bowling ball portion of love. Let's say you send out a toothpick of negativity to someone. You will get back a javelin-sized negative reaction in your face. It follows very close to the idea of karma, it just has a different name and a little clearer definition.
So let's start with the first theory, I have FANTASTIC karma. I'm not going to deny that one. If you've ever looked at my life you will notice that I always get great things happening to me. Just as things are starting to look bad something good always comes along. I'm not kidding, my karmic energy is phenomenal. I'm not sure how, maybe I can save karmic energy from past lives and let it all accumulate (like roll-over minutes haha lol roll-0ver karma points lmao). Either way, karma always seems to be in my favor. At least, nowadays. But then again, doesn't karma sort of tie into the Law of Attraction?
So the second theory, I'm a master at the Law of Attraction*. This makes sense. If you don't know me, let me enlighten you. A couple years ago I was seriously depressed. I was suicidal. Yes, I was cutting. I contemplated suicide on a fairly regular basis and for all those who did know me at that time, you know that nothing helped. I had to see a councilor, I was put on mood-stabilizers (because I'm a bit bipolar), and still, nothing was really making a difference. Now you are probably wondering how this applies to me being a master of the Law of Attraction. Well, it's simple. Take the negative side of that Law and you had me: the Master of Negativity. Here's what I kept thinking over and over and over again:
1. My life sucks.
2. My parents hate me.
3. No one at school likes me.
4. I have no friends.
5. My sister is a bitch who is out to ruin my life.
6. I'm fat.
These six things were what I thought about all the time. Now, we know the universe likes to give you what you ask for. So what happened? I got all of the above tenfold. It sucked. Basically it turned out like so:
1. I hated everything in life and was miserable enough to be suicidal.
2. My parents and I fought all the time.
3. People at school gave me dirty looks and talked shit about me behind my back.
4. My friends stopped talking to me and left me alone.
5. My sister and I would yell and fight (yes, physically too) at every opportunity.
6. I gained 40 lbs in a year.
Yeah, Law of Attraction works alright. And guess what? I had to learn that the hard way. I had to learn that I made my life exactly that. I had to learn the hard way that I lost everything I cared about most because I was so damn negative. What a lot of people probably don't know, however, is that is was my friend and soon-to-be boyfriend, Sam, that helped me out of it. How? Well, he was in the same position I was, and as soon as I started to see what he was doing, it snapped me out of it. I saw what he was doing and it got me out of my introspective nightmare. I realized that everything he was doing to himself was an exact reflection of what I was doing to myself. Together, we both grew out of it and moved on. If you've talked to me recently, you know I've talked a lot of trash about Sam, but the truth is, I still owe him my life. He helped me more than anyone could and saved my life. I still have to respect that. It was because of him that I could see how my thoughts made my life exactly that. When my thoughts were a lie, the universe turned it into a truth. That's how I learned about the Law of Attraction.
It wasn't until this past year, however, that I really started to get how to be positive. It really hit me when Sam and I broke up (yeah, we were together for almost two years. He was my first boyfriend. It ended badly. We don't talk anymore). After that moment, I started to really see things. I got out of a world that existed of only two people, Sam and myself. I started to see the world for what it was. I saw people and really saw them for the first time. I started to realize that I had friends. My parents and I get along great. My sister is one of my many best friends. I'm losing weight. I'm going to a school that's right for me. Everything in my life is going exactly the way I want it to. People always wish that their lives could be perfect. Mine already is. I'm surrounded by great people. I learn something new every day. I have a huge circle of friends. Life is amazing. And I made it happen.
So hwo does this apply to me now? Well, Jarrod is talking to me and we're still good friends (yes, name of said guy that I've liked for ages is Jarrod. I'm tired of alluding to him). I'm not so angry at my cousin anymore. I forgive her. And life just went back to the way it was before yesterday blew up in my face. Strange. My life is SO weird.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*For those of you who don't understand, it's a simple concept. Basically, what you put out is what you get back threefold (or close to anyway). So let's say you send out a small, marble-sized amount of love to someone you know. In turn, the universe will give you back a bowling ball portion of love. Let's say you send out a toothpick of negativity to someone. You will get back a javelin-sized negative reaction in your face. It follows very close to the idea of karma, it just has a different name and a little clearer definition.
Monday, August 11, 2008
My Heart Feels Destroyed
Yesterday, the guy that I've been crushing on for months basically started hitting it off with my cousin. They've only seen each other twice. Yeah, it sucks. My cousin knew how I felt a month ago. Anyone who saw me and this guy together could tell that I liked him. A LOT. What set me off: 1) I felt like he was trying to avoid me randomly (which is weird because for the past month anyone paying any attention to the two of us at all would have been able to tell that I liked him and he probably liked me back as any observer noted to me) 2) He started texting my cousin (not that I really care, but there was a twinge of jealousy because he was talking to her more than he talked to me and I was always trying to be there for him) the ENTIRE day 3) When I tried to talk to him he wasn't talking back (via text) 4) He was acting unusually distant towards me when I saw him 5) He started flirting with my cousin a bunch 6) For the last hour and a half that I was there (he, my sister, my cousin, and myself were all at his house watching Casino Royale and then the Olympics) he was holding hands with her nonstop. Man, I feel like someone ripped out my heart, ground it into a bloody pulp, and then shoved it back down my throat. It sucks. It's the first time anything like this ever happened to me. First of all, I have been falling for him for the past two months (getting closer to three now). Second, I thought he liked me back, but I guess I was wrong. Third, it was my cousin of all people. I trusted her with everything, I told her everything and how I felt and quite literally everything and then the second time she sees him she's all over him and he's all over her. Oh yeah, and as we were leaving, he gave her this huge hug that lasted for freaking ever. Uhg. I feel like shit. I feel betrayed by both of them. I feel like my heart's been ripped into a million pieces and then spit on by two people that I greatly cared about. Guess it's a new experience that I get to have for myself after-all. It sucks.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Relationships
Have you ever taken a look around you and realized just how difficult relationships are? I'm not even talking about a relationship in the "love" sort of way where a person has a partner that they care for inexplicably; no, I'm talking about your day to day relationships. Everyone has them whether they want to or not. Relationships are everywhere, with your boss, your coworkers, your classmates, your neighbors, your friends, your family, and yes, lovers, too. It's in all these relationships that I'm talking about. They're just so difficult!!
Relationship Number One: Family
Face it, it's difficult. We all know that. It starts from the time that we are conceived. Really, there's nothing more basic then our relationship with family. Family is difficult. Why? You can't get rid of them (technically you can but please don't fight me on this one). Family is always there. You are related by blood, so you can't sever yourself from them.
Parents are an excellent example. Dealing with them is trying, to say the least. Trust me, I know. I've spent seventeen years of life living in their house with them. I see them almost every day. Usually we get along great, but as with everyone, there are times where we are quite hostile towards one another. The thing with parents is that you have to find a balance in the middle in order to deal with them. You have to give and they have to give. But then again, isn't that true in any relationship? We all have to give if we want the relationship to remain healthy.
Extended family can be a pain in the ass. Let's face it, we've probably all got at least one relative that we think of in a negative light. We try not to be with them too much and when we are, it's never a pleasant experience. Usually we don't want that relative to know what we really think, though, so we pretend as if we all love each other. Oi. (Honesty would be nice but then again, we sort of don't want to hurt other's feelings so we spare them the truth they don't need to know. We disgust me, but I know I'm the same so I can't go on for too long on that.)
Let's face it: family is the one relationship web that will always exist. Sure, it changes, some people leave, some people join, but most everyone stays put. Even if we try to ignore our family, the family still knows we exist and we still know that the family exists. If you saw another family member randomly one day there's still the relationship between you. Granted, I never said anything about it being positive, but it doesn't change the fact that it still exists. Family is the one relationship you can't erase. I'd say this makes a pretty difficult relationship to maintain, wouldn't you agree?
Relationship Number Two: Friends
Friendship.
Yes, friendship.
So freakin' difficult it's disgusting. Why? Well, we aren't born with friends. We have to make them. You meet people, you interact with them, and if you like them, you usually try to stay around them. This is how friendship begins. Still, it's not as easy as that. We all understand the difficulty of making friends. Only thing is, making friends is the easy part. I know, it's not easy, but when you compare it to the next thing, it really is.
What's harder than making friends? Keeping them. Yup. Keeping your friends is harder than making them. Believe me, that's the truth. Why is it harder? Simple. If you don't keep up with the relationship, keep giving to it, you lose it. Sucks, I know, but that's the cold, hard, vicious, brutal truth of the matter. Let's say you have a best friend that you ignore for two months. When you see them again, it's not going to be the same. That friend may be resentful, or hurt. You probably lost that friend.
What's so obnoxious, though, is that friends are the people that we take advantage of the most. We always assume that are friends are still going to be our friends the next day. We always assume that we don't need to worry about our friends because hell, they're our friend. They wouldn't just leave us. At least, that's what we assume.
But remember when you're on the other side. You're the friend who's being forgotten. It sucks, right? Trust me, I know. If you haven't been there, try to picture it. Not the greatest, and when the friend comes running back to you it only pisses you off. So yeah, friendships are difficult. But they aren't the hardest.
Relationship Number Three: Significant Others
We all understand this one; it doesn't need explaining on the difficulties. So we will go with my issues right now. I really like this guy. I mean really like this guy. He's been my friend for the past four years and he's pretty awesome. He makes me laugh, makes me feel better when I'm down, and he's always interesting to talk to. Problem: He's staying in Albuquerque and I am moving to Portales in two weeks, meaning that we can't be together. It sucks because I feel like he's leading me on and that he likes me back but we can't do crap about it because I'm moving. It sucks. I have no idea what to do. I've only had two boyfriends in my life, and so I have limited experience in this field. If you have any ideas or any knowledge in this region that you want to share, go for it. I'm dying to know =]
Relationship Number One: Family
Face it, it's difficult. We all know that. It starts from the time that we are conceived. Really, there's nothing more basic then our relationship with family. Family is difficult. Why? You can't get rid of them (technically you can but please don't fight me on this one). Family is always there. You are related by blood, so you can't sever yourself from them.
Parents are an excellent example. Dealing with them is trying, to say the least. Trust me, I know. I've spent seventeen years of life living in their house with them. I see them almost every day. Usually we get along great, but as with everyone, there are times where we are quite hostile towards one another. The thing with parents is that you have to find a balance in the middle in order to deal with them. You have to give and they have to give. But then again, isn't that true in any relationship? We all have to give if we want the relationship to remain healthy.
Extended family can be a pain in the ass. Let's face it, we've probably all got at least one relative that we think of in a negative light. We try not to be with them too much and when we are, it's never a pleasant experience. Usually we don't want that relative to know what we really think, though, so we pretend as if we all love each other. Oi. (Honesty would be nice but then again, we sort of don't want to hurt other's feelings so we spare them the truth they don't need to know. We disgust me, but I know I'm the same so I can't go on for too long on that.)
Let's face it: family is the one relationship web that will always exist. Sure, it changes, some people leave, some people join, but most everyone stays put. Even if we try to ignore our family, the family still knows we exist and we still know that the family exists. If you saw another family member randomly one day there's still the relationship between you. Granted, I never said anything about it being positive, but it doesn't change the fact that it still exists. Family is the one relationship you can't erase. I'd say this makes a pretty difficult relationship to maintain, wouldn't you agree?
Relationship Number Two: Friends
Friendship.
Yes, friendship.
So freakin' difficult it's disgusting. Why? Well, we aren't born with friends. We have to make them. You meet people, you interact with them, and if you like them, you usually try to stay around them. This is how friendship begins. Still, it's not as easy as that. We all understand the difficulty of making friends. Only thing is, making friends is the easy part. I know, it's not easy, but when you compare it to the next thing, it really is.
What's harder than making friends? Keeping them. Yup. Keeping your friends is harder than making them. Believe me, that's the truth. Why is it harder? Simple. If you don't keep up with the relationship, keep giving to it, you lose it. Sucks, I know, but that's the cold, hard, vicious, brutal truth of the matter. Let's say you have a best friend that you ignore for two months. When you see them again, it's not going to be the same. That friend may be resentful, or hurt. You probably lost that friend.
What's so obnoxious, though, is that friends are the people that we take advantage of the most. We always assume that are friends are still going to be our friends the next day. We always assume that we don't need to worry about our friends because hell, they're our friend. They wouldn't just leave us. At least, that's what we assume.
But remember when you're on the other side. You're the friend who's being forgotten. It sucks, right? Trust me, I know. If you haven't been there, try to picture it. Not the greatest, and when the friend comes running back to you it only pisses you off. So yeah, friendships are difficult. But they aren't the hardest.
Relationship Number Three: Significant Others
We all understand this one; it doesn't need explaining on the difficulties. So we will go with my issues right now. I really like this guy. I mean really like this guy. He's been my friend for the past four years and he's pretty awesome. He makes me laugh, makes me feel better when I'm down, and he's always interesting to talk to. Problem: He's staying in Albuquerque and I am moving to Portales in two weeks, meaning that we can't be together. It sucks because I feel like he's leading me on and that he likes me back but we can't do crap about it because I'm moving. It sucks. I have no idea what to do. I've only had two boyfriends in my life, and so I have limited experience in this field. If you have any ideas or any knowledge in this region that you want to share, go for it. I'm dying to know =]
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