It's the two sides of one coin, the opposites that make everything possible. It's the good and the bad, the light and the dark, the heads and the tails. That's my life. Right now, looking to the future, there's good, and there's bad.
The Light:
I got accepted to an archaeology field school in Peru. AAAAHHHH!!!! I'm so excited!!! I get to spend six weeks in Peru running around learning how to excavate archeological ruins, collect various artifacts and remains I may find, and how to prepare and analyze them in a lab. Oh I'm so excited!!! AAAHHHH!!!!
Another good thing, I graduate in December!!! Oh man, I don't know how much more of this whole school thing I can take. I'm tired of killing myself and dealing with shitty people and being stressed out all the time and having so much to do all the time. I graduate and I'm done. Thank god.
The Dark:
Well, I want to go to graduate school in the fall of 2012, but I don't think I can get in. They want amazing people, and I just don't see myself fitting into that category. Who knows, maybe going to Peru will help. But still.
You know, my viewpoint of myself has been really shitty lately. I've been really mean to me!!! I just don't like myself. I feel like I'm nothing special, like I'm average, and all kinds of other really nasty stuff that I probably should put here. But I've been super mean to me lately. I don't know what's up.
Also, trying to figure out this whole wedding thing is stressful enough as it is. So we aren't getting married in July like planned but fuck now we have no date and nothing is getting done and it's stressing me out like crazy!! Ahh!! Seriously, I'm about ready to just grab the wedding party and family who wants to go, run away to Vegas, and just get married. Who needs to do something fancy, anyway? Uhg, I'm tired of this whole thing just sitting over my head.
Showing posts with label Weddings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Weddings. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Unknown
I've been thinking a lot about the past lately, and how much different events can completely shape you and your life into different directions. Specifically, I've been thinking about the people I've let in to my life, the ones I held close, and the ones who meant the most to be. I think about how I've been hurt, how when you love someone you give them the power to completely destroy you and you hold on and hope they don't do it.
I'm getting married in five months. And I still go through the thought of wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I think it's because of the two other people that I let in and held close, the two other people I was sure I was going to spend my life with and how both of them destroyed it. Yeah, I held a part in it, but it always makes you question the legitimacy of a relationship and the point of putting your faith in forever when it's already be tarnished and destroyed not once but twice before. I gave these guys everything, and then they threw it back in my face. Sometimes I wonder if that's what's pushed me to be a cynic towards love, towards the idea that people can care for one another.
I love, and yet I feel nothing. It's the fear that holds me back, the fear that keeps me from saying everything I think and feel, the fear that I will be broken once again and never cared for. Because when the people you feel for most try to break you, why should you trust that everyone else won't do the same? I love Chris more than anything, and yet a part of me holds back because what if he does the same? He's my second longest relationship, and yet it's still moving towards surpassing the longest. My fear is that the longer I'm with him, the more he'll see whatever the others saw and he'll leave me, too. And maybe my thoughts of leaving are there because if I end it first, then it won't hurt so bad when he leaves me. I'm scared to admit this, admit how I really feel and the thoughts that continually run through my head. I'm scared to be alone, and scared to care for another. I'm scared.
I'm getting married in five months. And I still go through the thought of wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I think it's because of the two other people that I let in and held close, the two other people I was sure I was going to spend my life with and how both of them destroyed it. Yeah, I held a part in it, but it always makes you question the legitimacy of a relationship and the point of putting your faith in forever when it's already be tarnished and destroyed not once but twice before. I gave these guys everything, and then they threw it back in my face. Sometimes I wonder if that's what's pushed me to be a cynic towards love, towards the idea that people can care for one another.
I love, and yet I feel nothing. It's the fear that holds me back, the fear that keeps me from saying everything I think and feel, the fear that I will be broken once again and never cared for. Because when the people you feel for most try to break you, why should you trust that everyone else won't do the same? I love Chris more than anything, and yet a part of me holds back because what if he does the same? He's my second longest relationship, and yet it's still moving towards surpassing the longest. My fear is that the longer I'm with him, the more he'll see whatever the others saw and he'll leave me, too. And maybe my thoughts of leaving are there because if I end it first, then it won't hurt so bad when he leaves me. I'm scared to admit this, admit how I really feel and the thoughts that continually run through my head. I'm scared to be alone, and scared to care for another. I'm scared.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
School Year '10-'11
Oi. Yup, it's started. Huzzah!! I've figured out that I only have three semesters left until I graduate with a double major. Sweet! Also, haven't yet decided what it is I'm going to do after school. A part of me wants to be a lawyer, and yet part of me thinks that's a bad idea. I don't know. Luckily, after I graduate I'm taking a semester off so hopefully I can figure out at least a few more steps of what I'm going to do after school. Oi.
As of now I am planning recruitment for all Women's Greek Organizations on campus. Woo! Also, planning a wedding, working, and going to school full time. Jeez mon'! Luckily I have amazing friends, like Lish, who are there all along the way. And what would I do without Chris? He really is my rock. He's the resounding figure that's pushing me to get through school, to not give up when things get tough, and my shoulder to cry on when it feels like everything is falling apart. And that's part of why I'm marrying him.
I really need to clean my house, though. It's stressing me out because it's so dirty, and the cats are throwing a fit that we haven't cleaned the litter box in a while. Ew. I'm still debating on whether or not to clean after I post this. I've been feeling sick all day, but honestly, maybe it's in part due to the state of my house right now. Gah, if only I had a washer and drier. I was so close, too! Well, we'll see what happens. Maybe I'll wash a few dishes then go to sleep. I've done some homework today, so I'm feeling pretty decent. Worked tonight, did well, missed a class because I almost passed out and threw up everywhere, but overall I'm feeling okay at this point. Just tired. So maybe all I'll do is some dishes. And maybe the litter box. Or I'll have Chris do it when he gets home.
As of now I am planning recruitment for all Women's Greek Organizations on campus. Woo! Also, planning a wedding, working, and going to school full time. Jeez mon'! Luckily I have amazing friends, like Lish, who are there all along the way. And what would I do without Chris? He really is my rock. He's the resounding figure that's pushing me to get through school, to not give up when things get tough, and my shoulder to cry on when it feels like everything is falling apart. And that's part of why I'm marrying him.
I really need to clean my house, though. It's stressing me out because it's so dirty, and the cats are throwing a fit that we haven't cleaned the litter box in a while. Ew. I'm still debating on whether or not to clean after I post this. I've been feeling sick all day, but honestly, maybe it's in part due to the state of my house right now. Gah, if only I had a washer and drier. I was so close, too! Well, we'll see what happens. Maybe I'll wash a few dishes then go to sleep. I've done some homework today, so I'm feeling pretty decent. Worked tonight, did well, missed a class because I almost passed out and threw up everywhere, but overall I'm feeling okay at this point. Just tired. So maybe all I'll do is some dishes. And maybe the litter box. Or I'll have Chris do it when he gets home.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Wedding
So, for those of you who read this who haven't seen or heard elsewhere, I am getting married. Technically, Chris and I got engaged in March, and it has been one of the most difficult things keeping it a secret until now. Still, it was worth it.
You know, I never really thought about weddings much until I actually got engaged. Sure, I've thought about it in passing because Stahelin and I, as well as Sam and I, have talked about getting married. I was sort of engaged (to us we were, officially we weren't) but because it was such a thing as only between us, I didn't take it too seriously. Is it bad that it's hard for me to trust a guy who says he wants to spend his life with me until he actually commits with something like a ring? It makes me feel selfish, or cruel, like I use them or lie to them emotionally until they "prove" themselves. But what else can I do? I've already been with two guys who swore on everything they had that I meant the world to them. I gave them everything, and trusted them fully, only to have them turn their backs on me in the end. I was ready to give them my life, and yet it was they who left me. So does it make me a bad person to have a harder time to believe the third who says the same?
Still, he really is serious, and I'm glad. Chris is amazing. He means the world to me. I don't think I could have found a better guy. He makes me so happy in so many ways, and I feel I can truly be myself with him. I don't feel like he judges me for who I am. And he wants me to say what I feel, what I think, rather than judging me for it and pushing me to keep myself locked inside. I'm happy, and I'm getting married =]
For those of you who know me, be ready for 2012. Send me an email if you want more information and desire to attend; I'd love to have you there!
You know, I never really thought about weddings much until I actually got engaged. Sure, I've thought about it in passing because Stahelin and I, as well as Sam and I, have talked about getting married. I was sort of engaged (to us we were, officially we weren't) but because it was such a thing as only between us, I didn't take it too seriously. Is it bad that it's hard for me to trust a guy who says he wants to spend his life with me until he actually commits with something like a ring? It makes me feel selfish, or cruel, like I use them or lie to them emotionally until they "prove" themselves. But what else can I do? I've already been with two guys who swore on everything they had that I meant the world to them. I gave them everything, and trusted them fully, only to have them turn their backs on me in the end. I was ready to give them my life, and yet it was they who left me. So does it make me a bad person to have a harder time to believe the third who says the same?
Still, he really is serious, and I'm glad. Chris is amazing. He means the world to me. I don't think I could have found a better guy. He makes me so happy in so many ways, and I feel I can truly be myself with him. I don't feel like he judges me for who I am. And he wants me to say what I feel, what I think, rather than judging me for it and pushing me to keep myself locked inside. I'm happy, and I'm getting married =]
For those of you who know me, be ready for 2012. Send me an email if you want more information and desire to attend; I'd love to have you there!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Bridesmaid Tales
You know, I am not the most knowledgeable individual when it comes to weddings and bridesmaids and duties and such. I haven't been to many weddings, and in the ones I have gone to I have never had more of a duty than to just go and support the bride and groom. Well, one of my best friends is getting married in January and I am a bridesmaid. I'm stoked, don't get me wrong, but let's just say that until she asked I didn't even know that bridesmaids did anything other than look pretty on the wedding day and be at all wedding-related functions. Who knew that they help plan bridal showers (which I never knew existed), plan the bachelorette party, and help the bride with everything? Not me, that's for sure. And she told me that the MOH (Maid of Honor) isn't planning any bridal showers and she needs about three. So I was kind of thinking of helping her out and planning them myself, but I have no idea how to do it, where to get started or anything like that. I've read that you can enlist the help of the other bridesmaids as well, which I might do. Only two of them are here with me, though. The MOH is back in Lish's hometown, one is in Cruces, and the other one is in Raton. Oi. Anyway, I want to do a good job and make up for last semester being a crappy friend. I guess I'll figure this out one way or another.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)