Dreams

They are so weird!!! Honestly, dreams are crazy. Especially mine. They always run in one of two ways: either it's running like it's everyday life and makes it very hard to distinguish from real life, or it plays out like a Hollywood movie and while I'm still one person, I can see a lot of different angles, view points, thoughts, people, etc.

Still, every had dreams that leave you shaking and feeling completely thrown for a new one when you wake up? I'm sure it's fairly common. Generally, I'm fairly used to the crazy level of my dreams and how they differ from most people's, but sometimes i still get thrown off. Today is one of those days.

The dream: fairly simple. Sort of. Basically, I ran into my ex who was taking care of our child. Yeah, I was basically the man. Yeah, I had the baby, but I didn't really want to take care of it so he was. I realized that it was almost a year old when I ran into hi and that I'd hardly spent any time with my daughter. So I was talking to him, spending more time with him and his girlfriend, and trying to bring myself into my daughter's life. The first idea I had to do that (after hanging out with them in a lecture at school...) was to take her home with me for a week and spend a week with her. And it was weird because I really didn't care that he was taking care of her and raising her and it wasn't that important for me to be there for her. Then I started to wonder about custody issues and how to spend time with her and how I really didn't care if I was with her a lot but how he would feel having to give her up for extended periods of time. Ah, it was weird.

Next dream: odd. In short, from having baby I didn't care about I was heading home and was talking to my mom on the phone. Headed to work and was staying there doing my job, and then my boss came up to me and said I could go home because my mother had died. I looked at the schedule and realized that I could take off around a week or two without much problem to grieve and figure shit out. But mainly, I was in shock. No way she could be dead, I had just talked to her!!! As I was heading home, I kept trying to call her. Sometimes it rang and other times I just got stuck with voicemail. And about the time I got home, I got a text from my dad that basically read: As a plane was landing in Pheonix, three people suffered from heart attacks. Two of those had their hearts just stop as the air pressure and whatnot was unusual. One of those was your mother. An investigation may follow. And I guess that's when it hit me that she was really gone. So I spent the rest of the dream (until my cat woke me up yowling) grieving and going back and forth from thinking she was fine to knowing she was dead and freaking out.

Uhg. I like to think that there are deeper meanings to dreams; that there is some underlying thoughts or fears that your dreams can show you if you're receptive to it. I've no idea though. It could be crap. I think that activities you did during the day also can influence it. Watch a movie about kids and you have a tendency to have kids in your dream. Have a conversation about death and it shows up. But not always. Sometimes dreams are completely unrelated. And I have to wonder, where does my head get some of the ideas it does? I don't know, but sometimes I wonder if maybe the dreams I have are a sign that I really am crazy.

Unknown

I've been thinking a lot about the past lately, and how much different events can completely shape you and your life into different directions. Specifically, I've been thinking about the people I've let in to my life, the ones I held close, and the ones who meant the most to be. I think about how I've been hurt, how when you love someone you give them the power to completely destroy you and you hold on and hope they don't do it.
I'm getting married in five months. And I still go through the thought of wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I think it's because of the two other people that I let in and held close, the two other people I was sure I was going to spend my life with and how both of them destroyed it. Yeah, I held a part in it, but it always makes you question the legitimacy of a relationship and the point of putting your faith in forever when it's already be tarnished and destroyed not once but twice before. I gave these guys everything, and then they threw it back in my face. Sometimes I wonder if that's what's pushed me to be a cynic towards love, towards the idea that people can care for one another.
I love, and yet I feel nothing. It's the fear that holds me back, the fear that keeps me from saying everything I think and feel, the fear that I will be broken once again and never cared for. Because when the people you feel for most try to break you, why should you trust that everyone else won't do the same? I love Chris more than anything, and yet a part of me holds back because what if he does the same? He's my second longest relationship, and yet it's still moving towards surpassing the longest. My fear is that the longer I'm with him, the more he'll see whatever the others saw and he'll leave me, too. And maybe my thoughts of leaving are there because if I end it first, then it won't hurt so bad when he leaves me. I'm scared to admit this, admit how I really feel and the thoughts that continually run through my head. I'm scared to be alone, and scared to care for another. I'm scared.

Odd

Recruitment is insane, but then again it always is. There's always people who are going to say you're doing a horrible job, those who tell you hwo to do it, and those who praise it. You're always going to mess up because, hey, you're human. It's what we do. And no one is perfect. I think that's why I like recruitment. It reminds me to not take myself so seriously, to be calm, and to know that if I tried pleasing everyone that in the end I will have failed. All I can do is my best, work to have things run smoothly, be strong, and remember, if things are going great then you haven't reached the end. Besides, in under 24 hours I will no longer be silenced, recruitment will be over, I'll have almost 20 new and beautiful sisters, and I won't have to worry about this any more. Things aren't amazing yet because I'm not at the end yet =]

Petra

My baby. And today I had to give her away.

It fucking sucks. I'm so sad. I cried. It's been a hard day. It'd be heard to find a better place to take her, but still. She's my baby, and I feel like I failed her. I sent her away to a new place and I completely shattered all trust she had in me. I've failed her. I love her to death and yet I left her. I feel horrible. How can you do something like that to someone you care about? I mean, if I had found her on the street and brought her, I could understand it because then you are doing her a favor and giving her a better life and a better chance for survival that way. But she had a home, was well cared for and well loved. And I abandoned her.

I took her to the Animal Humane Association in Albuquerque (check out their website at www.ahanm.org). It is probably one of the best places I could have taken her. They spay and neuter, give immunizations, and work on behavioral training with the animals. Just in Albuquerque they have their main facility and two adoption cites around town. Also, they have a 92% adoption rate. They have over 60 employees taking care of the animals and making sure that all of them get the care they need, as well as countless volunteers to help out. Their facilities are clean, the staff is helpful, and they ensure that any pet they adopt out is sent to a good home. I would say it's a really good place to take her.

Petra is a really sweet cat. She is very connected to her owner and loves deeply. Her only flaw is that she is extremely possessive of her owner and is highly jealous of anything that may appear as a "threat" to her owner's love and devotion towards her. She's about a year old and very cute. I'm sure they're going to find her a home and hopefully she'll be loved. She really is a good cat. She's going to be okay. So why do I feel so horrible?

I miss her. I want her in my arms, sleeping on my lap, climbing on my shoulder. I hate this. I feel horrible. I want to take her home and let her know she's still loved. I hate myself. How can I do such a thing to my baby? I know it was necessary, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I hate myself for this. She's going to be okay, but I feel as if I've failed her. I just want my cat back.

Moving

The past week has been crazy, primarily because I'm moving. Chris and I are moving in together, and I'm stoked. Yes, that means I'm staying out here for the summer and not going back to Albuquerque, but I'm okay with that. I'm looking forward to the direction my life is traveling in. We have three cats in our place, Spaz, Derp, and Petra. They're adorable, but Petra hates them. Oi. Still, she's slowly getting over it.

This week is dead week, meaning that we are doing absolutely nothing other than killing ourselves with our last week of classes. It also means that finals are next week. Still, as much as finals suck, it means that you've reached the end of the semester. It means that anything that's been kicking your ass or killing you or is just something that you need a break from is finally at an end and you can go on. It's like a mental restart button. It puts you back together so that you don't lose your sanity. And I'm going to need it. This summer I'm taking 14 hours. This fall I'm taking 22. And the spring? Hell if I know. The goal is to graduate in May. So one year from now I'm going to be graduating. Holy shit. It seems like I just started going to school here and yet I'm about to leave. It makes me sad. But at the same time, I'm ready for my life already. I'm tired of being a kid with adult privileges. I need to move on. I want to live my life. I'm ready to be an adult. Screw all this "Let's party, study, whatever the hell it is we do here" attitude and move on. So I'm going to try to graduate in May. If I can't, I'm here until December.

My plan for after I graduate is to go to Law School. Random, I know. But I want to do it. All of the stereotypical law school/lawyer ideas don't appeal to me, but I've taken about 5 law classes and loved all of them. I figure that law classes are much closer to what it is that law is all about and how it is in reality, and so I figure that that is probably the most accurate description I have is the classes I've taken. I want to go to UNM; I just hope I get in. That's why I'm trying to graduate in May, though. Law schools don't have Fall/Spring start sessions. You have to start in the fall. So if I finish in December I will have eight months to go before the school year would start. I'm not sure what I'd do with my life. Oi. It's a scary thought. And if this doesn't work out, well, I don't know what I'm going to do.

Anyway, just a little update on life. I'm crazy tired and ready to be done with everything. I need the two or three weeks off that I have before summer classes start. I need something to do that isn't stressful, exhausting, or trying to kill me. So I just need to find a job for the summer and then worry about passing my classes. *sigh* I just want the semester to be over.

End of the Year

So, it's the last day of the year, in almost the last 30 minutes, and so I guess I find myself wanting to do a reflection on this past year. The best word to describe it: Fuck.

There was a bunch of crazy hospital visits, crazy stories with my roommate, weird classes, summer love, drama, drinking, smoking, partying, friends, engagements, weddings, moving, surgery, and wwaaay too much drama. Damn. I have had three boyfriends this year, none of which were recurring thank god. I've read a lot of good books. I had experiences I never thought I would. I failed my first class. I did a lot of stuff I never saw myself doing ever. It's been interesting.

So how do I feel about this year? I'm more grateful than anything else because it's finally over. And I thought 2006 was an interesting year... I guess 2009 kicks that one's ass. I'm looking at 2010 as a time to start over. I'm going to use it as a moment where I can hit the reset button and start over. It's a new semester. I'm already talking to different people. A lot of the people who were causing a bunch of issues for me last semester aren't around anymore. I have a boyfriend. I have new classes and a much calmer schedule. So I'm hoping that this will be different. I don't want to deal with the same shit I did. I'm ready to start over. And I have some pretty fantastic people who are going to be there with me when I do. I'm ready for this new beginning. If only Chris was here, now... Fuck I miss him so bad...