Unknown

I've been thinking a lot about the past lately, and how much different events can completely shape you and your life into different directions. Specifically, I've been thinking about the people I've let in to my life, the ones I held close, and the ones who meant the most to be. I think about how I've been hurt, how when you love someone you give them the power to completely destroy you and you hold on and hope they don't do it.
I'm getting married in five months. And I still go through the thought of wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I think it's because of the two other people that I let in and held close, the two other people I was sure I was going to spend my life with and how both of them destroyed it. Yeah, I held a part in it, but it always makes you question the legitimacy of a relationship and the point of putting your faith in forever when it's already be tarnished and destroyed not once but twice before. I gave these guys everything, and then they threw it back in my face. Sometimes I wonder if that's what's pushed me to be a cynic towards love, towards the idea that people can care for one another.
I love, and yet I feel nothing. It's the fear that holds me back, the fear that keeps me from saying everything I think and feel, the fear that I will be broken once again and never cared for. Because when the people you feel for most try to break you, why should you trust that everyone else won't do the same? I love Chris more than anything, and yet a part of me holds back because what if he does the same? He's my second longest relationship, and yet it's still moving towards surpassing the longest. My fear is that the longer I'm with him, the more he'll see whatever the others saw and he'll leave me, too. And maybe my thoughts of leaving are there because if I end it first, then it won't hurt so bad when he leaves me. I'm scared to admit this, admit how I really feel and the thoughts that continually run through my head. I'm scared to be alone, and scared to care for another. I'm scared.

Grad School?

Currently that's the issue I'm mulling over in my head. Do I want to go to grad school and get a master's in Forensics or do I want to go to law school. Luckily, there are a couple of schools where you can actually do both. Still, you have to be accepted into each program individually. Uhg. I've been looking at numerous grad schools, and after I get through those I'm probably going to start checking out law schools. Oi. If only I knew what to do with my life.

I'm finally done with recruitment and finally unsilenced. I can reassociate with Zeta, however it sucks because I work nights. This means that even though I can hang out with them and wear shirts and whatever else, I still can't really go to anything because I'm always working. FML. I guess that's what happens in the big kid world, you lose time to do fun things as you work your butt off to make ends meet. Sometimes I wish I wasn't growing up. Plus, no matter where I go for school in 2012, I'm going to be moving to a place I don't know (more likely than not) and being far from everyone and everything I know. Alright, the only schools in Forensics are basically on the coasts, and mostly in the northeast. If I moved there I'd be close to family I've never really known well, and if I moved to California I'd be really close to family I rarely see. If I go to Florida, well, there's no one there. Nore is there anyone in Michigan or Illinois. *Sigh* Life is hard.

The good thing is the stability and happiness that Chris gives me. Whenever I start to lose hope or get really down he's always there to pick me back up and remind me that I'm okay. No matter what I freak out about, from Zeta to being a hypochondriac (and all that comes with that) to school, to family, to life, he's always there to keep me sane. He loves me and supports me in all I do, and he's there for me. Always. I fucking love this guy.

Well, life is kicking my ass. I'm a student who's taking overtime in hours (full time max is 18, I'm doing 20), I'm working two jobs, I'm in many extracurricular activities, and I still manage to maintain a 3.3 GPA and a social life. I think I'm superwoman.

Petra

My baby. And today I had to give her away.

It fucking sucks. I'm so sad. I cried. It's been a hard day. It'd be heard to find a better place to take her, but still. She's my baby, and I feel like I failed her. I sent her away to a new place and I completely shattered all trust she had in me. I've failed her. I love her to death and yet I left her. I feel horrible. How can you do something like that to someone you care about? I mean, if I had found her on the street and brought her, I could understand it because then you are doing her a favor and giving her a better life and a better chance for survival that way. But she had a home, was well cared for and well loved. And I abandoned her.

I took her to the Animal Humane Association in Albuquerque (check out their website at www.ahanm.org). It is probably one of the best places I could have taken her. They spay and neuter, give immunizations, and work on behavioral training with the animals. Just in Albuquerque they have their main facility and two adoption cites around town. Also, they have a 92% adoption rate. They have over 60 employees taking care of the animals and making sure that all of them get the care they need, as well as countless volunteers to help out. Their facilities are clean, the staff is helpful, and they ensure that any pet they adopt out is sent to a good home. I would say it's a really good place to take her.

Petra is a really sweet cat. She is very connected to her owner and loves deeply. Her only flaw is that she is extremely possessive of her owner and is highly jealous of anything that may appear as a "threat" to her owner's love and devotion towards her. She's about a year old and very cute. I'm sure they're going to find her a home and hopefully she'll be loved. She really is a good cat. She's going to be okay. So why do I feel so horrible?

I miss her. I want her in my arms, sleeping on my lap, climbing on my shoulder. I hate this. I feel horrible. I want to take her home and let her know she's still loved. I hate myself. How can I do such a thing to my baby? I know it was necessary, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I hate myself for this. She's going to be okay, but I feel as if I've failed her. I just want my cat back.

Home

Well, Albuquerque home at least. I'm back a day later than originally intended because of too much snow and road closures. In New Mexico. Weird, I know. The weird thing about being in my room is how much it doesn't feel like my room anymore. Most things here aren't the same as they were when I lived here. I've taken all the posters from here. While there are a few things left on the walls they are mostly bare. Most of my furniture is still here, but not all of it. I look around the room and remember how it used to be my sanctuary. It was the one place I could truly escape. It was the one place I could truly call my own, where nothing could hurt me. I look around and I know now that it is just a place. Old memories linger in the air. I've had this room for eight years now. That is eight years of memories hanging. So much has happened in those eight years. I moved in during the spring break of my sixth grade year. Now I'm in my second year away at college. So much happened. So much changed. So much of me changed. I'm not the same little eleven year old girl I was who first looked into this room with wonder as I got to experience moving for the first time. Yeah, I'd moved before, but this was the first time I'd gotten to pack boxes, change locations, unpack, design the setup of my own room, and decide what I wanted. I've watched this room grow and change as I have. It went from a minty green to a sapphire blue when all I wanted was for my walls to be black. It went from happy and innocent to troubled and angsty teen. It went through suicidal me, happy me. It saw me at my best, it's seen me at my worst. And yet, all it is is a room. It has no feelings, no emotions. It can't understand what it means to me, and now, after being at school, that's all I can see it as. It's just a room, a room that used to be my sanctuary. But it's no longer mine. My stuff resides here, but they are just material objects that have little connection to me and my current life. And I realize that I have no place now that serves the same function as this room did. I have nothing in my life now that provides the same comfort. The closest I have is Chris, and yet relationships are always shaky in my mind for none of mine seem to last. I've been told I'm loved and that they will never leave by too many people, and all have broken me and left. It's hard to trust a person, give them everything after so many have taken it all then thrown it in your face after cracking it a bit more. It's hard to believe when they say they will never leave. Buildings are strong. They rarely fail. They don't give up. But it is just a building. A building can't love you back, and that's why I care so much more for a person than I will ever care for a room that held me, a cold and lonely child lost in the dark of this world. Now I stand with another's hand in mine and we walk through the dark with our heads held high knowing that wherever we go, we go together. Yeah I'm "home" in the comfort of an old companion, but it's a companion that has aged beyond its ability to love me back. My true companion, my true support, is found in another person, and it is through his support that I travel now.

Things I wish I had the balls to say to people

1. I loved you. I really did. But you took that and destroyed it into hundreds of thousands of little pieces. And I don't think you understand the depth at which you destroyed me. I was a mess for two years and now you come back wanting to make it all better. I hate it. But I think I've moved on. I don't mind being your friend but I want nothing more because you've hurt me so bad that I can't not feel it. My body has gone numb to you and I don't feel anything for you. And I don't know if I ever will. So maybe we can be friends. But I can't pour my heart into you. And maybe you changed, and while I can see the compassion in your eyes you're still the exact same person you were when I left you. And I need more than that in my life. So thanks for teaching me how to get the fuck over you and move on with my life. But please, let me be happy with someone else.

2. I might love you. Maybe. But you know what sucks? You still love your ex. And let me tell you, I know exactly how that goes. And you know what else that means? It doesn't matter how much I care about you. It doesn't matter that I might possibly love you because in the end you won't feel shit about me because you still love her. I've fought tooth and nail for you for five months. You tell me you've done nothing with other people and yet I have friends who've said they've seen you with others. So who do I believe? I stand up for you, I fight for you, and yet you are still so in love with her that you can't see that. So why am I still fighting? Why am I still trying? We're just going to keep using each other for momentary pleasure and comfort while we lose ourselves in the depths of our minds. Neither one of us opens up to the other because we're scared shitless. But love takes work and if you didn't get hurt then it wasn't worth it. So I'm going to move on. I'm sorry. I tried. I tried to be there for you when no one else would. But you always kept me at a distance. So now I need to move on because I need someone to be there for me when I need them and you're not.

3. What the fuck happened to you? You were such a sweet guy? Honestly, I did care about you. Maybe I didn't love you. But I did care. And you threw that away! What the hell?! Why did you become like this? If it was because of me, I'm sorry. I know I have the tendency to destroy people. Especially the ones closest to me. But still. You had your friends and yet you turned your back on every single one of them and became someone you're not. If I could have told you six months ago about the person you are now, I think you would laugh and say that's ridiculous. But I can't say anything to you now because you won't listen to me or anyone else. What happened to you? It hurts seeing you like this. I just wish you could see. And maybe we could understand why. It just doesn't make sense. I told you everything and you left, too. Way too lie like everyone else. Thanks.

4. Seriously, I'm not angry that you wanted sex and that's the only reason you began talking to me. I'm not angry about that. I could really care less. Honestly, you have no idea how many guys have just come up to me and said, "Hey, I want to fuck you." It happens. What I'm angry about is that you made me believe you were different. You convinced me that you were there for me, that you were interested in me, that you saw me as a person that no one else saw me as this whole semester. You took me seriously, listened to my thoughts, my opinions, my ideas. You took time to understand me. You asked me about myself. You acted like you wanted to know me. It meant so much to me because no one's done that, just ask question after question about me not because they felt they had to but because they honestly wanted to. And then I found out that all of that was a lie. I honestly believe that it did change. I believe you when you say that it moved beyond sex. Even though we never did, I know you wanted to. But I know that wasn't your driving motive. It just bothers me that when you came to me under the pretext of wanting to know me unlike everyone else who just saw me as a stupid blond who can't think and is just another sorority girl, it hurt to find out that all you had wanted was sex. Just like everyone else. That's why I was angry. Because it felt like everything that had made the basis of our friendship was a lie. I felt like I couldn't trust you anymore. I felt like suddenly it didn't matter what I said, you didn't actually care. That's why I was angry. I felt betrayed and like I'd lost yet another close friend.

5. I'm just not interested. Stop asking me for sex. Stop asking me for alone time. You aren't the only one asking either. But I'm not just an object for you to use and manipulate. So leave me the fuck alone and let me get on with my life. Casually fucking isn't something I do. So find someone else.

6. Stop treating me like you're fucking superior to me!!! You aren't! The world does not revolve around you. You're an insecure child. Stop acting like you know everything and that I know nothing. I'm not just pretty, there's more to me than that. But you wouldn't actually know that unless you talked to me. But no, it's just you who does all the talking and talking down on me. Leave me the fuck alone. If you can't respect me I wish you could just let me be.

7. I like you, but only as a friend. I don't know what they told you about me, but I'm fucked up this semester. Sure, I may be awesome when my shit's together, but it's not right now. And I like you as a person, but I can't see anything more than friendship between us. So tell them to stop pushing you. I know you deserve a great person in your life, but I can also tell you that right now that person isn't me. I'm only going to hurt you more. So please, let me be.

8. I like you. I really do. And you know what? Maybe we can be more than friends. You're funny, you're smart, you make me laugh. You think, you're Greek, and you're close by. You care, you'd treat me well, and you have a fantastic choice in books. I think that things could really work out. Since I'm moving on from other people, I really want to pursue you. You seem super awesome and I want to see where this goes. No matter what anyone thinks.

9. I'm not perfect. Get over it. I know you don't know the semester I've had, but I've been doing damn good despite that. I know I wasn't perfect, but don't hold it against me. I won't bring her down with me, she's smarter than that. I know she has more of a future than I do. So focus on her. She loves you guys. But don't take it for granted because it won't always be there if you do.

10. Girl, I miss you like crazy. What the fuck? But you're always busy. Always. I want to spend time with you. We hardly ever see each other. But I miss you and you say you miss me too but yet you don't try to see me. I know your life is important to you. I can respect that. But sometimes I just need a friend who's been there through it all to give me a hug and let me cry because boys are stupid and break hearts. And everyone needs some girl time.

11. Stop bitching. Your life is fine. Stop harassing me. You don't take my advice anyway. So get the fuck over it, stop making all this drama for you, and grow up. If you really wanted my advice, you'd take it and then you wouldn't keep running into the same problems. Trust me, it's getting old.

12. You are awesome. I'm sorry I'm not there for you more. You really are amazing. I'm sorry I fail at being a good sister to you.

13. You guys fucking suck. I wish you hadn't gotten the offices you did. I'm sure there were better people for it. But it's too late now so I'll suck it up. I just thought you guys should know.

14. I know you guys care, but can you please back the fuck off. I'm making my own mistakes that I can use later to learn from. These are experiences I need, and it doesn't help to have you acting like my parent. Just be my friend and be there for me when it all blows up in my face just like you said it would.

Thinking

So, recently the most thought provoking thing has come up and I have no idea what to make of it. Sam came back. Which isn't too surprising or anything because I was the one who started talking to him a little over a month ago. What's surprising is that he said he was sorry. For everything. That he was sorry for hurting me, sorry for leaving me the way he did, sorry for destroying my heart, sorry for being a dick, sorry for treating me like shit, sorry for not giving me the respect I deserve. And then he said he wanted to make it up to me and asked for a second chance. I don't know what to think.

For so long I was convinced he hated me, so convinced that he never loved me and that he just said he did. But when I think about it, I know it's not true. He says that he was as torn up about breaking up as I was, that he didn't even really know why we broke up because he didn't really want to either. We helped each other through so much. He was my best friend. I told him everything. He was always there for me. And yeah we had some bad times at the end but what couple doesn't when it's ending? For two years he was my life and I lost it all and it killed me, but now I have the possibility to get it back. The love of my life, the person I've cared for longer than I could care for myself, the person I never gave up on when everyone else did, the person who helped me through the darkest time of my life, I could have him back. So what's the problem, right?

Because it did end badly. There was some fucked up shit that happened. Stuff was said that was pretty hurtful. Weird shit happened. So what if that happens again? I've been doing well without him, so I could keep going, right? I knew at the time that we were better apart. And I told everyone I was better without him. And after some of the shit that happened between us that I told other people, well, they wouldn't be too pleased if we got back together.

Also, there's the people out here that I've been getting close to. Mel is awesome and I've been falling for him. But he doesn't feel the same. He is still in love with his ex and I know he can't feel for me until he moves past her. And sometimes I think I'd be better not worrying about him. But I still care for him way too much. Eustace is a super sweet guy and I know he cares about me, I just don't feel the same for him. I know he'd treat me well, but I don't deserve him and I care about him only as a friend. Chris, a.k.a. Monkey, is awesome and we get along great. I know he'd treat me well and I know he cares. I'm just having problems with feeling recently. With all my issues here, it's almost tempting to just drop it and go with what's easier back home, but at the same time I don't know if I can do it.

So I'm torn. Part of me is dying to go back to Sam because I still love him. Despite it being two years since we broke up. I still care about him and I can tell that he's different from who he used to be. Yeah, I'd have to deal with all the shit I'd get from a large portion of people if I did, but haven't I been doing that all semester with Mel and the Kappa Sigs? But then I'd have to leave behind people I care about here. And I don't know how easy it would be to just drop that. And I'd feel like such a selfish bitch. Uhg. I don't know what to do. So this is what I'm thinking about.

Relationships

I don't know what to do anymore. I care about him too much. I can't enjoy the company of other guys. I think I'm falling for him and I'm scared because I don't think he feels the same. It's only going to end in my heartbreak, but wouldn't that be better than me continually breaking other people's hearts? Brandy is right; every guy who gets to know me falls in love with me. But I can't be the healer of everyone's heart despite how much I want to. So now it's time to tell two guys that I can't care for them as more than friends because I'm falling for someone else. And it'll hurt, but hopefully they haven't cared long enough for it to be detrimental. My only question is can my heart handle being broken again by the guy I do care for, the one I'm slowly learning I can't seem to live without? I don't want to hurt, don't want to love, don't want to care, because it only leads to heartbreak. I lived two years in heartbreak and now that I'm beyond that I don't want to feel it again for a while. But I'm falling hard for a guy who doesn't want to get hurt either. How do I live? I want to be with him, to call him mine, to hold him close to me and never let go and yet I'm scared he will only push me away. I want to give him my heart and pray that he doesn't destroy it and yet I'm uncertain for whether or not he'll just give it back to me and say no. I'm scared I'm falling in love again.