Remeber Me

Amazing movie. Only issue: It forced me to relive all the pain I've experienced during my life involving family and relationships. Fuck.

It hurts. Everything does. It's painful. Family dynamics that fucking suck, pain for everything I've been holding in, losing people I love. Everything. And all the pain I've ever felt is rushing back. Being betrayed, hurt in some of the cruelest ways imaginable by people that you love and trust, seeing your family fall apart, support for sibling when others don't. Just, uhg.

Feeling

Feeling like the world is going around.
Feeling like I can't stick around.
Feeling like it's all passing me by.
Feeling like I'm wondering why.
Feeling like it's all a lie.
Feeling like I can't keep going.
Feeling like I'm really confused.
Feeling like I can't clear my head.
Feeling like I should lie instead.
Feeling completely alone.
Feeling like I can't go on.
Feeling like I can't do this.
Feeling like I need to think.
Feeling like nothing makes sense.
Feeling like nothing makes sense.
Feeling like nothing makes sense.
Can you keep going.
Can you keep wondering?Can I stay living?
Fuck it all as it goes in and out.
Fuck it all, it's time to go.

Isis Lessons

Isis, as you may or may not know, is my kitten who is about three months old, give or take a few weeks. She's adorable, fun loving, and just happy to be alive. And she teaches me every day new ways to live.

Isis loves freely. Every person she comes into contact with she lets into her heart. They say love is blind, and for Isis, it truly is. All you need to do is be there and she becomes yours. She reminds me every day what it is to love unconditionally.

Isis comes to love on me every day. No matter how I'm feeling, no matter what I've done, she still is by my side. When I'm feeling down, like last night, she makes it a point to stay on my lap curled up and maintaining all of my attention so that I don't notice that I am sad anymore. She reminds me of the age-old saying, "This too shall pass."

Isis never lets anything get her down. Despite what my other two cats, Derp and Spaz, think of her, she's always happy. They can bug her all she wants, they can hate on here and ignore her, growl at her, or fight with her, and yet she doesn't let it bug her in the slightest. She just goes about her business, loving freely and being completely and totally stoked just to be alive. She reminds me every day that this life is all I have, and I am in control of it. I can control how I see things, how I let things affect me, and how I live my life. She reminds me to live life to the fullest.

Isis may just be a cat, but she can still be a reminder in the most stressful of times to sit back, relax, and love life. She's one of the closest things to me, and she means the world. She truly is unique, and for what she reminds me of every day I can never give up.

Working

Yeah, okay, it's something that just about every adult does. I'm working at McCarty's, a local restaurant that has a homey feel with good food relatively fast for not too high a price. I work as a waitress, cashier, bus girl, and whatever else needs to be done, like preparing or cooking food, changing the sign outside, taking out trash, prepping the food, like onions to be ready for quickly made onion rings, to running errands. It happens. I actually really like my job, it's just being on my feet for hours that kills me.

Currently, my mood is weird. I feel full of energy, ready to go and conquer the world. I want to do things, accomplish everything possible, and like I'm invincible. It's true. I feel like I can clean my house tonight, do all my homework, take care of the cats, cook a full dinner, and not even need sleep. And yet I'm feeling so down, like there's no point to anything. Like, what am I going to do with my life? What's the point of being in school? I can get by without all the education. Who needs a fancy life? Why try on anything? It doesn't matter what I do, I'll never make a difference. There's nothing special about me, nothing unique, nothing worthy of even using resources on. I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing, staring into space wishing I could stop existing and wondering why that hasn't happened yet. And yet I still feel like I can change the world.

I'm not sure what's up with that. I'm doing a lot with my life, so maybe I'm just stressed out by trying to make it all work. Maybe it's just my bipolar shit kicking in, and I just need to move on with my life because honestly, I'll get over it. By next week or even tomorrow I'll feel completely different. Or exactly the same. Or I shifted to one of the two moods. Hell if I know. All I know is that I'm doing my best to keep going. I feel like I'm accomplishing a lot and doing a lot with my life right now, but at the same time I feel like it's nothing at all. Who knows.

I feel like talking to people but I don't know what I would say. I want to be held and told I'm fine and I'll be okay and yet I just want to be alone. I want to be with someone, like being a lone is a horrible idea and yet that's all I even want. My own space. my own everything. But I don't at the same time. Fuck me, right?

Oh well. At this point, yeah I'm tired, but stuff also needs to get done. I want to do it but I don't at the same time. Who knows. And who knows how this even relates to work and how I started this blog. Bleh. I think I'm retarded.

School Year '10-'11

Oi. Yup, it's started. Huzzah!! I've figured out that I only have three semesters left until I graduate with a double major. Sweet! Also, haven't yet decided what it is I'm going to do after school. A part of me wants to be a lawyer, and yet part of me thinks that's a bad idea. I don't know. Luckily, after I graduate I'm taking a semester off so hopefully I can figure out at least a few more steps of what I'm going to do after school. Oi.

As of now I am planning recruitment for all Women's Greek Organizations on campus. Woo! Also, planning a wedding, working, and going to school full time. Jeez mon'! Luckily I have amazing friends, like Lish, who are there all along the way. And what would I do without Chris? He really is my rock. He's the resounding figure that's pushing me to get through school, to not give up when things get tough, and my shoulder to cry on when it feels like everything is falling apart. And that's part of why I'm marrying him.

I really need to clean my house, though. It's stressing me out because it's so dirty, and the cats are throwing a fit that we haven't cleaned the litter box in a while. Ew. I'm still debating on whether or not to clean after I post this. I've been feeling sick all day, but honestly, maybe it's in part due to the state of my house right now. Gah, if only I had a washer and drier. I was so close, too! Well, we'll see what happens. Maybe I'll wash a few dishes then go to sleep. I've done some homework today, so I'm feeling pretty decent. Worked tonight, did well, missed a class because I almost passed out and threw up everywhere, but overall I'm feeling okay at this point. Just tired. So maybe all I'll do is some dishes. And maybe the litter box. Or I'll have Chris do it when he gets home.

Wedding

So, for those of you who read this who haven't seen or heard elsewhere, I am getting married. Technically, Chris and I got engaged in March, and it has been one of the most difficult things keeping it a secret until now. Still, it was worth it.

You know, I never really thought about weddings much until I actually got engaged. Sure, I've thought about it in passing because Stahelin and I, as well as Sam and I, have talked about getting married. I was sort of engaged (to us we were, officially we weren't) but because it was such a thing as only between us, I didn't take it too seriously. Is it bad that it's hard for me to trust a guy who says he wants to spend his life with me until he actually commits with something like a ring? It makes me feel selfish, or cruel, like I use them or lie to them emotionally until they "prove" themselves. But what else can I do? I've already been with two guys who swore on everything they had that I meant the world to them. I gave them everything, and trusted them fully, only to have them turn their backs on me in the end. I was ready to give them my life, and yet it was they who left me. So does it make me a bad person to have a harder time to believe the third who says the same?

Still, he really is serious, and I'm glad. Chris is amazing. He means the world to me. I don't think I could have found a better guy. He makes me so happy in so many ways, and I feel I can truly be myself with him. I don't feel like he judges me for who I am. And he wants me to say what I feel, what I think, rather than judging me for it and pushing me to keep myself locked inside. I'm happy, and I'm getting married =]

For those of you who know me, be ready for 2012. Send me an email if you want more information and desire to attend; I'd love to have you there!

So Close!!!

Summer school ends this week. I've finished two of four classes. I'm so ready to be done. Oi. Just waiting for the week to end. Huzzah! After this week I can spend all of my energy on two things: Cleaning my house and planning recruitment. Dude, I couldn't even sleep last night because of how much I was thinking of/planning recruitment. Oi. Eat, sleep, and breathe it I suppose. I guess it's a good thing though, to care this much. It means I actually give a crap about it and want to make sure it's good. Bleh. I will cuddle with the cats and plan. Fun. Anyway, not much else to say. I'll ttyl.

Petra

My baby. And today I had to give her away.

It fucking sucks. I'm so sad. I cried. It's been a hard day. It'd be heard to find a better place to take her, but still. She's my baby, and I feel like I failed her. I sent her away to a new place and I completely shattered all trust she had in me. I've failed her. I love her to death and yet I left her. I feel horrible. How can you do something like that to someone you care about? I mean, if I had found her on the street and brought her, I could understand it because then you are doing her a favor and giving her a better life and a better chance for survival that way. But she had a home, was well cared for and well loved. And I abandoned her.

I took her to the Animal Humane Association in Albuquerque (check out their website at www.ahanm.org). It is probably one of the best places I could have taken her. They spay and neuter, give immunizations, and work on behavioral training with the animals. Just in Albuquerque they have their main facility and two adoption cites around town. Also, they have a 92% adoption rate. They have over 60 employees taking care of the animals and making sure that all of them get the care they need, as well as countless volunteers to help out. Their facilities are clean, the staff is helpful, and they ensure that any pet they adopt out is sent to a good home. I would say it's a really good place to take her.

Petra is a really sweet cat. She is very connected to her owner and loves deeply. Her only flaw is that she is extremely possessive of her owner and is highly jealous of anything that may appear as a "threat" to her owner's love and devotion towards her. She's about a year old and very cute. I'm sure they're going to find her a home and hopefully she'll be loved. She really is a good cat. She's going to be okay. So why do I feel so horrible?

I miss her. I want her in my arms, sleeping on my lap, climbing on my shoulder. I hate this. I feel horrible. I want to take her home and let her know she's still loved. I hate myself. How can I do such a thing to my baby? I know it was necessary, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I hate myself for this. She's going to be okay, but I feel as if I've failed her. I just want my cat back.

Oizers.

You know, I keep coming back to this, how I don't seem to blog much because my life is crazy but I'll do more. Well, to be honest, I think my life will always be crazy. And maybe that's okay. I guess it's okay that my life is insane and so I don't think to blog all of the time. Oi. Oh well.

My cats are insane. Chris's cats, who previously lived with his mom, now live with us because she moved to a new place where she can't have pets. So, our oldest cat is Spaz, who is the mother of Derp, our next oldest. Below that is Petra. I'm pretty sure I've talked about her in this somewhere. And our newest edition, more likely than not only about six or seven weeks old is Isis. Yeah, I know, I'm turning into a crazy cat lady. Luckily, only half of these cats are mine. The other half belong to my boyfriend.

Living together is going amazingly. We've lived here for about two months, and I really like it. We still haven't finished unpacking everything, mainly because both of us like to just unwind and not worry about it. Oi. Silly geese we be! We recently had our six month, so that was fun. My dad visited me this past week and I was stoked!!! Eek! The only annoying thing is that we both are fairly messy people but I'm also mildly OCD so I like everything clean. If only my ADD didn't kick in and make it super difficult to focus on cleaning...

Life is good, just working on a lot of school and such. Speaking of which, I'm pretty sure I have an assignment due tonight, so maybe I should stop blogging and do that... Hmm.

Alright, I guess I'll go, but hopefully I will blog more recently than another two months. I hope.

=]

Moving

The past week has been crazy, primarily because I'm moving. Chris and I are moving in together, and I'm stoked. Yes, that means I'm staying out here for the summer and not going back to Albuquerque, but I'm okay with that. I'm looking forward to the direction my life is traveling in. We have three cats in our place, Spaz, Derp, and Petra. They're adorable, but Petra hates them. Oi. Still, she's slowly getting over it.

This week is dead week, meaning that we are doing absolutely nothing other than killing ourselves with our last week of classes. It also means that finals are next week. Still, as much as finals suck, it means that you've reached the end of the semester. It means that anything that's been kicking your ass or killing you or is just something that you need a break from is finally at an end and you can go on. It's like a mental restart button. It puts you back together so that you don't lose your sanity. And I'm going to need it. This summer I'm taking 14 hours. This fall I'm taking 22. And the spring? Hell if I know. The goal is to graduate in May. So one year from now I'm going to be graduating. Holy shit. It seems like I just started going to school here and yet I'm about to leave. It makes me sad. But at the same time, I'm ready for my life already. I'm tired of being a kid with adult privileges. I need to move on. I want to live my life. I'm ready to be an adult. Screw all this "Let's party, study, whatever the hell it is we do here" attitude and move on. So I'm going to try to graduate in May. If I can't, I'm here until December.

My plan for after I graduate is to go to Law School. Random, I know. But I want to do it. All of the stereotypical law school/lawyer ideas don't appeal to me, but I've taken about 5 law classes and loved all of them. I figure that law classes are much closer to what it is that law is all about and how it is in reality, and so I figure that that is probably the most accurate description I have is the classes I've taken. I want to go to UNM; I just hope I get in. That's why I'm trying to graduate in May, though. Law schools don't have Fall/Spring start sessions. You have to start in the fall. So if I finish in December I will have eight months to go before the school year would start. I'm not sure what I'd do with my life. Oi. It's a scary thought. And if this doesn't work out, well, I don't know what I'm going to do.

Anyway, just a little update on life. I'm crazy tired and ready to be done with everything. I need the two or three weeks off that I have before summer classes start. I need something to do that isn't stressful, exhausting, or trying to kill me. So I just need to find a job for the summer and then worry about passing my classes. *sigh* I just want the semester to be over.

Law School

When I was a little kid, my dad told me that I would make a great lawyer. He wasn't saying that I had to be one or that it would be the best thing for me to do or that he wouldn't love me if I wasn't. He didn't spend my life training me to go. He didn't pound it into my head that it was completely essential for me to go to law school and that that was to be my direction in life. No, all he said was that I would probably enjoy it and that I'd be good at it. When I was a little kid I took it as a compliment because he thought I was smart enough to be a lawyer. As I got older, though, he just kind of left it as I went on to pursue my own ideas.

Last year, I was taking a criminal justice class where my teacher prompted discussions and thought about criminal cases. I didn't talk much, but it always made me think of what my position would be and for the first time challenged me to defend it. I loved it. So my dad said again what I had heard so long ago, "Have you thought about being a lawyer? It's very similar to what you're experiencing, and you would be really good at it." I thought about it, but I was still stuck on the idea that I wanted to do forensic work, be a criminal profiler, all of that fun jazz. Plus, I was thinking about lawyers with the stereotype that Hollywood projects. So, while it spiked my interest a bit, I put it in a back corner of my mind.

This semester, my science classes for my degree have been kicking my ass. I've gotten so frustrated with it that I've been tempted to just give up on science and major in something else. So I added a second major, Psychology. Contradictory, yes, but in the pathway of becoming a profiler, it makes sense. While I wanted to drop Forensic Biology, though, I realized just how close I was to graduating with that degree, and it seemed like a waste of time and energy to not follow through. I only have a year left. One year, and I will be done with Forensic Biology. And I learned that I could finish Psychology as well. This means that this time a year from now, I will be 20 years old and about to finish college with two undergraduate degrees. Intense, I know.

I was talking to my dad about finishing school next May and he brought up grad school. He asked if I thought about it and what I wanted to do once I graduated. I told him I really didn't know. It's true. The thought of graduating is amazing. The sense of accomplishment I'd have is absurd. To me, graduating like that would make up (in my mind) for all of my academic failures in the past. It would be the statement that says, "Look at me! I'm smart! I can do whatever I want to do and nothing will hold me back!" So while I'm stoked to graduate, I'm also horrified, because what am I supposed to do after I graduate? I'd have a degree in Forensic Bio and another in Psychology. What the hell do I do with that? I don't want to work in a lab. Being a psychologist isn't bad, but honestly, the likelihood have having guaranteed work in this economy is low. So no. I don't know. So my dad brings up grad school and I'm thinking, "Well crap, I could go but I don't know what I'd study and how would I pay for it and there's a myriad of problems and questions and issues to think about before I could possibly go." His suggestion: What about law school?

First off, until this point I didn't even know that law school was a graduate program. I'm not even sure that I connected it into the realm of normal academic schooling because you go to specific "law schools" and you study law. It's a category of its own. At least that's what I thought. Now I know that in order to get your doctorate of jurisprudence (J.D.) you have to go through a law program at an accredited school and it falls into the category of a Graduate School Program. Who knew? Not me.

Second though, maybe that's a good idea. It would give me something to study. I'd have a direction to go. Wandering aimlessly in life without direction or purpose is horrifying to me. Now I'd have a direction. And UNM is one of the best law schools in the country. Lawyers will always have a job, and there is financial security. I can live a comfortable lifestyle. But would I enjoy it?

I remembered what I felt last year, and so I decided, "Why don't I look into this? It wouldn't hurt to look." So I did. I looked at UNM first because it's in my hometown of Albuquerque, started to read about their program, and look at various aspects about what law school entailed. It was one of the most interesting things I've ever looked at! So I decided maybe it's worth a shot. I looked at various requirements to get in, and started to think, "You know, I could probably do this." I kept hearing about the LSAT (Law School Admissions Test), and so I looked into what that was. I read about it and while they kept saying it was super difficult, it just didn't sound that hard to me. I figured a better test of that would be to look at practice questions to use as a better judge. Of all the questions I took (granted, it wasn't that many), I got about 90% of them right. I wasn't actually trying. So now I'm thinking that with some preparation, I could actually do this.

The classes sound crazy interesting. Stereotype law sounds horrendous, but I think about all my experience with law (about 4 college classes worth) and I realize that I loved all of it. So which is a better indication of what I'd think about it, a stereotype from a place that always fucks up everything and doesn't get anything right, or classes that focus on it and are way closer to the actuality of it than television could ever get? It was at this point that I decided to go to law school.

So this is my plan now. While graduating next May was only a possibility, I intend on making it a reality. Law schools only start in the fall semesters, so if I graduated in December I'd have to kill eight months before I could start school. I need at least decent grades, so I'm determined to do well academically as best I can this semester and for certain for my last three. I am going to spend this summer studying my ass off for the LSAT, and I am going to take it in October. By February of next year I will have my application completed for UNM. And I am going to get in.

Bridesmaid Tales

You know, I am not the most knowledgeable individual when it comes to weddings and bridesmaids and duties and such. I haven't been to many weddings, and in the ones I have gone to I have never had more of a duty than to just go and support the bride and groom. Well, one of my best friends is getting married in January and I am a bridesmaid. I'm stoked, don't get me wrong, but let's just say that until she asked I didn't even know that bridesmaids did anything other than look pretty on the wedding day and be at all wedding-related functions. Who knew that they help plan bridal showers (which I never knew existed), plan the bachelorette party, and help the bride with everything? Not me, that's for sure. And she told me that the MOH (Maid of Honor) isn't planning any bridal showers and she needs about three. So I was kind of thinking of helping her out and planning them myself, but I have no idea how to do it, where to get started or anything like that. I've read that you can enlist the help of the other bridesmaids as well, which I might do. Only two of them are here with me, though. The MOH is back in Lish's hometown, one is in Cruces, and the other one is in Raton. Oi. Anyway, I want to do a good job and make up for last semester being a crappy friend. I guess I'll figure this out one way or another.

Graduation

It feels like I just got here and already I'm thinking about graduating and leaving here. I was looking at my schedule and it looks like I could graduate with at least one degree by May of 2011. And it turns out, I'm actually scheduled to graduate then. Who knew? So officially, I'm even supposed to graduate then. The odd thing is that it might actually happen. So then I have one other degree, Psychology, left to get. And even that should only take about another semester from there. It's so weird. I've only been here for two years, and I might graduate in one more year. If I did with both degrees, I'd be done with college at 20 with two degrees. Fuck! I don't know what I'd do. Hell, I don't even know if I'm ready for the real world yet. I'm going to start renting a house over the summer and next school year, and I hope to pay for it with a job rather than anything else. My college fund can just be used on schooling at that point rather than living expenses. This is my goal. So, I don't know. Maybe I'll add in a third degree so that I can graduate with all three in May 2012. How ridiculous would that be to be a 21 year old with three degrees? It's insane, and yet entirely possible. Oi. I don't know. It's scary to think that soon I'll have to live and work and pay rent and buy food and be another grown up working, living, starting a family, and going through life just seeing what there is left in my adventure that feels like it's hardly begun. I don't know if I'm ready for it. But I have a year to prepare.

Microsoft is Retarded

Okay, so many of us already know this. Microsoft is a bunch of stupid imbeciles trying to write software while taking as much money from you as possible. So what triggers this blog about Microsoft's stupidity? Well, I have this new laptop, right? I've been trying to change the background on it for weeks now all the while failing. Today I found out why. I have Windows Seven Starter. Starter. (I hope you can hear the sarcasm in my voice.) This means that I am not allowed to change my background. If I want to change it, I have to upgrade my version of Windows to a full version of 7. Stupid Microsoft.

So I think this is a ploy by the vile creeps at Microsoft to steal my money. And other people's money. Why? Because they probably figured out that people would get pissed off because they are stuck with the shitty initial background that they give you. Okay, it isn't that bad, but still. It's got Microsoft written all over it (almost literally). But I want my own background dammit!! And I can't unless I pay Microsoft some unknown fee to get an upgrade. I'd rather erase my hard drive and put Linux on here. Linux is free and open source and I sure as hell don't have to pay for shit on it. To change a background? Really? It's Microsoft's plan to take people's money because why would anyone want to upgrade to the latest piece of crap that takes up an obscene amount of hard drive space, costs hundreds of dollars, and doesn't even work as well as the version you had (not saying that that version was great, either, but still...)? You wouldn't. But some people will get pissed off enough at the idea of not being able to change their background that they'd pay the money to do it. Yeah, Microsoft sucks.

So this is me is rebellion against Microsoft. I refuse to give in you sleazy scum!!! Muahahahahahaha! I am fighting for my technological freedom. And I will quit Microsoft if necessary. It's just a background. It's not worth the money. I think everyone needs to boycott Microsoft. I mean, honestly, they won't let us change our backgrounds without paying more money to them? Lying, cheating, stealing scumbags. Why not take my first and second born as well? Because that's the point they're getting to. Screw you, Microsoft, and your stupid upgrades, too!

Gynocologists

Pretty sure they are really weird. Yup. But aside from odd visits of the day, I'm watching Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs. It's effing amazing! Hahahahaha! Yay! It follows college guy humor but I still love it. ^.^ Go watch! Hahahahahaha! Good times :)

Home

Well, Albuquerque home at least. I'm back a day later than originally intended because of too much snow and road closures. In New Mexico. Weird, I know. The weird thing about being in my room is how much it doesn't feel like my room anymore. Most things here aren't the same as they were when I lived here. I've taken all the posters from here. While there are a few things left on the walls they are mostly bare. Most of my furniture is still here, but not all of it. I look around the room and remember how it used to be my sanctuary. It was the one place I could truly escape. It was the one place I could truly call my own, where nothing could hurt me. I look around and I know now that it is just a place. Old memories linger in the air. I've had this room for eight years now. That is eight years of memories hanging. So much has happened in those eight years. I moved in during the spring break of my sixth grade year. Now I'm in my second year away at college. So much happened. So much changed. So much of me changed. I'm not the same little eleven year old girl I was who first looked into this room with wonder as I got to experience moving for the first time. Yeah, I'd moved before, but this was the first time I'd gotten to pack boxes, change locations, unpack, design the setup of my own room, and decide what I wanted. I've watched this room grow and change as I have. It went from a minty green to a sapphire blue when all I wanted was for my walls to be black. It went from happy and innocent to troubled and angsty teen. It went through suicidal me, happy me. It saw me at my best, it's seen me at my worst. And yet, all it is is a room. It has no feelings, no emotions. It can't understand what it means to me, and now, after being at school, that's all I can see it as. It's just a room, a room that used to be my sanctuary. But it's no longer mine. My stuff resides here, but they are just material objects that have little connection to me and my current life. And I realize that I have no place now that serves the same function as this room did. I have nothing in my life now that provides the same comfort. The closest I have is Chris, and yet relationships are always shaky in my mind for none of mine seem to last. I've been told I'm loved and that they will never leave by too many people, and all have broken me and left. It's hard to trust a person, give them everything after so many have taken it all then thrown it in your face after cracking it a bit more. It's hard to believe when they say they will never leave. Buildings are strong. They rarely fail. They don't give up. But it is just a building. A building can't love you back, and that's why I care so much more for a person than I will ever care for a room that held me, a cold and lonely child lost in the dark of this world. Now I stand with another's hand in mine and we walk through the dark with our heads held high knowing that wherever we go, we go together. Yeah I'm "home" in the comfort of an old companion, but it's a companion that has aged beyond its ability to love me back. My true companion, my true support, is found in another person, and it is through his support that I travel now.

Hours at Work

I swear to god, work is trying to kill me. It isn't the job itself, it's just the hours. I mean, honestly, who the fuck wants to work right now? It's so early in the morning, and I'm tired all the time because of it. My job is easy. I sit on my ass at the desk and basically do whatever. Like blog and listen to music. But honestly, I don't get to sleep more than four hours or so at a time anymore and it's starting to kill me. I can just feel myself falling closer and closer to the edge and while I don't want to quit what am I to do? I'm failing classes (not all but still), I have no energy ever, I'm eating horribly, and I'm pretty sure I've basically been sick for a month and haven't gotten better because I don't sleep like normal people. I slept for 14 hours on Saturday because I knew it was going to be the only time I got to really sleep for days. So what does that say about me? I know I'm slowly killing my body. There's only so long you can push it at 110% before it just gives out and never is the same again. Sometimes I wonder what happened to the really interesting, respectable person I was in high school. I wasn't concerned about sleeping all the time, I ate alright, I worked out, I was interesting, people took me seriously, and people respected me. Now, it's almost the complete opposite. I guess I'm still interesting but I think it's for the wrong reasons. And what if it is all because I'm so overworked and overstretched and exhausted all because of this job? I know I need the money, but it's only two months until school is over and I can get a job for the summer. Maybe quitting is better. But to quit feels like I gave up. And I should be able to do anything, right? It's only two months, maybe I can hang on just a little longer...

Life Is Killing Me

Honestly, it is. Like today, for instance. Alright, on Saturday I didn't really have anything that I needed to do. I didn't have work, I didn't have any immediate homework that needed to get done, I just needed to be at the Zeta house for chapter retreat at 6:30. So I slept until 3. Yes, 3 pm. Why? Because I never get enough sleep. So after 14 hours of sleep I was feeling pretty good. Well, I get to retreat and we aren't really done with what we're doing until 11. Then I had work at 4 but daylight savings time has started today. So I lost an hour of sleep. I get off of work at 8 but I have to be back at the house for more retreat stuff immediately afterwords. We're going until about noon, but I need to stay after for the new member meeting so that I can talk about my EC position. Yeah, I get to go home after, but I have work from 3-5, and a meeting at 5 and at 8. I'll be done around 10 tonight. That's when I get to go to sleep. And it's not like I really slept well last night because I was cold and basically sleeping on a cement floor. Uhg. What makes it worse? I don't really get to sleep tonight, either, because I have work from 3-6. AM. F. M. L. Yeah, I get to sleep after work, but not by much because I have class at 8. Then I do get to sleep for four hours (yay!) but then it's class at 2, meetings from 4:30 until 7:30, then study hours from 8 - 11. Then I'm allowed to sleep. I think my life is trying to kill me. It probably doesn't help that I picked up a second 8 week class to be used as a buffer in case I fail a class because I'm struggling academically. My councilor tells me I'm like the Energizer Bunny because I just keep going and going and she doesn't know how I do it. I don't know how either. I'm starting to get to the point where everything is just a haze and I don't really know or care about anything because I feel so dead. I just don't care. I don't want to do anything anymore. I just want to lie still and stare. Or sleep. Or die because it would be easier than the shit I've been trying to do. My life is killing me.

Random

But, I started another blog, mainly because I had a random urge. I have this new computer with a webcam attached and so I think it's really fun to record myself, but I figure why not do it with a purpose? So I started a video blog to follow my life. It kind of goes hand in hand with this one. So you can find it by looking at my profile and finding the list of blogs I do or you can just go to watchmylife-krista.blogspot.com and find it there. Anyway, just thought I'd tell you. I'm new at this so my apologies if it ends disastrously.

Tired

I'm so tired, all the time. I just want to be awake, to feel fully functional. Being this exhausted all the time is killing me. And when all I want to do is sleep, I can't get the things done that I need to. I hate it. I just wish that I could do this. But I'm so stressed out all the time, trying to get going and I can't. School is kicking my ass and I'm trying to keep up with it and study but at this point it doesn't even seem to matter how hard I try it still isn't good enough. Maybe if I wasn't so tired and busy all the time. But even then, I don't know. I just wish life could be easy. But then again, if it was, it'd be a slut. Thus it chooses to be a bitch instead. Uhg. FML.