I've been thinking a lot about the past lately, and how much different events can completely shape you and your life into different directions. Specifically, I've been thinking about the people I've let in to my life, the ones I held close, and the ones who meant the most to be. I think about how I've been hurt, how when you love someone you give them the power to completely destroy you and you hold on and hope they don't do it.
I'm getting married in five months. And I still go through the thought of wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I think it's because of the two other people that I let in and held close, the two other people I was sure I was going to spend my life with and how both of them destroyed it. Yeah, I held a part in it, but it always makes you question the legitimacy of a relationship and the point of putting your faith in forever when it's already be tarnished and destroyed not once but twice before. I gave these guys everything, and then they threw it back in my face. Sometimes I wonder if that's what's pushed me to be a cynic towards love, towards the idea that people can care for one another.
I love, and yet I feel nothing. It's the fear that holds me back, the fear that keeps me from saying everything I think and feel, the fear that I will be broken once again and never cared for. Because when the people you feel for most try to break you, why should you trust that everyone else won't do the same? I love Chris more than anything, and yet a part of me holds back because what if he does the same? He's my second longest relationship, and yet it's still moving towards surpassing the longest. My fear is that the longer I'm with him, the more he'll see whatever the others saw and he'll leave me, too. And maybe my thoughts of leaving are there because if I end it first, then it won't hurt so bad when he leaves me. I'm scared to admit this, admit how I really feel and the thoughts that continually run through my head. I'm scared to be alone, and scared to care for another. I'm scared.