Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Light and Dark

It's the two sides of one coin, the opposites that make everything possible. It's the good and the bad, the light and the dark, the heads and the tails. That's my life. Right now, looking to the future, there's good, and there's bad.

The Light:
I got accepted to an archaeology field school in Peru. AAAAHHHH!!!! I'm so excited!!! I get to spend six weeks in Peru running around learning how to excavate archeological ruins, collect various artifacts and remains I may find, and how to prepare and analyze them in a lab. Oh I'm so excited!!! AAAHHHH!!!!

Another good thing, I graduate in December!!! Oh man, I don't know how much more of this whole school thing I can take. I'm tired of killing myself and dealing with shitty people and being stressed out all the time and having so much to do all the time. I graduate and I'm done. Thank god.

The Dark:
Well, I want to go to graduate school in the fall of 2012, but I don't think I can get in. They want amazing people, and I just don't see myself fitting into that category. Who knows, maybe going to Peru will help. But still.

You know, my viewpoint of myself has been really shitty lately. I've been really mean to me!!! I just don't like myself. I feel like I'm nothing special, like I'm average, and all kinds of other really nasty stuff that I probably should put here. But I've been super mean to me lately. I don't know what's up.

Also, trying to figure out this whole wedding thing is stressful enough as it is. So we aren't getting married in July like planned but fuck now we have no date and nothing is getting done and it's stressing me out like crazy!! Ahh!! Seriously, I'm about ready to just grab the wedding party and family who wants to go, run away to Vegas, and just get married. Who needs to do something fancy, anyway? Uhg, I'm tired of this whole thing just sitting over my head.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011


They are so weird!!! Honestly, dreams are crazy. Especially mine. They always run in one of two ways: either it's running like it's everyday life and makes it very hard to distinguish from real life, or it plays out like a Hollywood movie and while I'm still one person, I can see a lot of different angles, view points, thoughts, people, etc.

Still, every had dreams that leave you shaking and feeling completely thrown for a new one when you wake up? I'm sure it's fairly common. Generally, I'm fairly used to the crazy level of my dreams and how they differ from most people's, but sometimes i still get thrown off. Today is one of those days.

The dream: fairly simple. Sort of. Basically, I ran into my ex who was taking care of our child. Yeah, I was basically the man. Yeah, I had the baby, but I didn't really want to take care of it so he was. I realized that it was almost a year old when I ran into hi and that I'd hardly spent any time with my daughter. So I was talking to him, spending more time with him and his girlfriend, and trying to bring myself into my daughter's life. The first idea I had to do that (after hanging out with them in a lecture at school...) was to take her home with me for a week and spend a week with her. And it was weird because I really didn't care that he was taking care of her and raising her and it wasn't that important for me to be there for her. Then I started to wonder about custody issues and how to spend time with her and how I really didn't care if I was with her a lot but how he would feel having to give her up for extended periods of time. Ah, it was weird.

Next dream: odd. In short, from having baby I didn't care about I was heading home and was talking to my mom on the phone. Headed to work and was staying there doing my job, and then my boss came up to me and said I could go home because my mother had died. I looked at the schedule and realized that I could take off around a week or two without much problem to grieve and figure shit out. But mainly, I was in shock. No way she could be dead, I had just talked to her!!! As I was heading home, I kept trying to call her. Sometimes it rang and other times I just got stuck with voicemail. And about the time I got home, I got a text from my dad that basically read: As a plane was landing in Pheonix, three people suffered from heart attacks. Two of those had their hearts just stop as the air pressure and whatnot was unusual. One of those was your mother. An investigation may follow. And I guess that's when it hit me that she was really gone. So I spent the rest of the dream (until my cat woke me up yowling) grieving and going back and forth from thinking she was fine to knowing she was dead and freaking out.

Uhg. I like to think that there are deeper meanings to dreams; that there is some underlying thoughts or fears that your dreams can show you if you're receptive to it. I've no idea though. It could be crap. I think that activities you did during the day also can influence it. Watch a movie about kids and you have a tendency to have kids in your dream. Have a conversation about death and it shows up. But not always. Sometimes dreams are completely unrelated. And I have to wonder, where does my head get some of the ideas it does? I don't know, but sometimes I wonder if maybe the dreams I have are a sign that I really am crazy.