Wednesday, March 31, 2010


It feels like I just got here and already I'm thinking about graduating and leaving here. I was looking at my schedule and it looks like I could graduate with at least one degree by May of 2011. And it turns out, I'm actually scheduled to graduate then. Who knew? So officially, I'm even supposed to graduate then. The odd thing is that it might actually happen. So then I have one other degree, Psychology, left to get. And even that should only take about another semester from there. It's so weird. I've only been here for two years, and I might graduate in one more year. If I did with both degrees, I'd be done with college at 20 with two degrees. Fuck! I don't know what I'd do. Hell, I don't even know if I'm ready for the real world yet. I'm going to start renting a house over the summer and next school year, and I hope to pay for it with a job rather than anything else. My college fund can just be used on schooling at that point rather than living expenses. This is my goal. So, I don't know. Maybe I'll add in a third degree so that I can graduate with all three in May 2012. How ridiculous would that be to be a 21 year old with three degrees? It's insane, and yet entirely possible. Oi. I don't know. It's scary to think that soon I'll have to live and work and pay rent and buy food and be another grown up working, living, starting a family, and going through life just seeing what there is left in my adventure that feels like it's hardly begun. I don't know if I'm ready for it. But I have a year to prepare.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Microsoft is Retarded

Okay, so many of us already know this. Microsoft is a bunch of stupid imbeciles trying to write software while taking as much money from you as possible. So what triggers this blog about Microsoft's stupidity? Well, I have this new laptop, right? I've been trying to change the background on it for weeks now all the while failing. Today I found out why. I have Windows Seven Starter. Starter. (I hope you can hear the sarcasm in my voice.) This means that I am not allowed to change my background. If I want to change it, I have to upgrade my version of Windows to a full version of 7. Stupid Microsoft.

So I think this is a ploy by the vile creeps at Microsoft to steal my money. And other people's money. Why? Because they probably figured out that people would get pissed off because they are stuck with the shitty initial background that they give you. Okay, it isn't that bad, but still. It's got Microsoft written all over it (almost literally). But I want my own background dammit!! And I can't unless I pay Microsoft some unknown fee to get an upgrade. I'd rather erase my hard drive and put Linux on here. Linux is free and open source and I sure as hell don't have to pay for shit on it. To change a background? Really? It's Microsoft's plan to take people's money because why would anyone want to upgrade to the latest piece of crap that takes up an obscene amount of hard drive space, costs hundreds of dollars, and doesn't even work as well as the version you had (not saying that that version was great, either, but still...)? You wouldn't. But some people will get pissed off enough at the idea of not being able to change their background that they'd pay the money to do it. Yeah, Microsoft sucks.

So this is me is rebellion against Microsoft. I refuse to give in you sleazy scum!!! Muahahahahahaha! I am fighting for my technological freedom. And I will quit Microsoft if necessary. It's just a background. It's not worth the money. I think everyone needs to boycott Microsoft. I mean, honestly, they won't let us change our backgrounds without paying more money to them? Lying, cheating, stealing scumbags. Why not take my first and second born as well? Because that's the point they're getting to. Screw you, Microsoft, and your stupid upgrades, too!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


Pretty sure they are really weird. Yup. But aside from odd visits of the day, I'm watching Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs. It's effing amazing! Hahahahaha! Yay! It follows college guy humor but I still love it. ^.^ Go watch! Hahahahahaha! Good times :)

Saturday, March 20, 2010


Well, Albuquerque home at least. I'm back a day later than originally intended because of too much snow and road closures. In New Mexico. Weird, I know. The weird thing about being in my room is how much it doesn't feel like my room anymore. Most things here aren't the same as they were when I lived here. I've taken all the posters from here. While there are a few things left on the walls they are mostly bare. Most of my furniture is still here, but not all of it. I look around the room and remember how it used to be my sanctuary. It was the one place I could truly escape. It was the one place I could truly call my own, where nothing could hurt me. I look around and I know now that it is just a place. Old memories linger in the air. I've had this room for eight years now. That is eight years of memories hanging. So much has happened in those eight years. I moved in during the spring break of my sixth grade year. Now I'm in my second year away at college. So much happened. So much changed. So much of me changed. I'm not the same little eleven year old girl I was who first looked into this room with wonder as I got to experience moving for the first time. Yeah, I'd moved before, but this was the first time I'd gotten to pack boxes, change locations, unpack, design the setup of my own room, and decide what I wanted. I've watched this room grow and change as I have. It went from a minty green to a sapphire blue when all I wanted was for my walls to be black. It went from happy and innocent to troubled and angsty teen. It went through suicidal me, happy me. It saw me at my best, it's seen me at my worst. And yet, all it is is a room. It has no feelings, no emotions. It can't understand what it means to me, and now, after being at school, that's all I can see it as. It's just a room, a room that used to be my sanctuary. But it's no longer mine. My stuff resides here, but they are just material objects that have little connection to me and my current life. And I realize that I have no place now that serves the same function as this room did. I have nothing in my life now that provides the same comfort. The closest I have is Chris, and yet relationships are always shaky in my mind for none of mine seem to last. I've been told I'm loved and that they will never leave by too many people, and all have broken me and left. It's hard to trust a person, give them everything after so many have taken it all then thrown it in your face after cracking it a bit more. It's hard to believe when they say they will never leave. Buildings are strong. They rarely fail. They don't give up. But it is just a building. A building can't love you back, and that's why I care so much more for a person than I will ever care for a room that held me, a cold and lonely child lost in the dark of this world. Now I stand with another's hand in mine and we walk through the dark with our heads held high knowing that wherever we go, we go together. Yeah I'm "home" in the comfort of an old companion, but it's a companion that has aged beyond its ability to love me back. My true companion, my true support, is found in another person, and it is through his support that I travel now.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Hours at Work

I swear to god, work is trying to kill me. It isn't the job itself, it's just the hours. I mean, honestly, who the fuck wants to work right now? It's so early in the morning, and I'm tired all the time because of it. My job is easy. I sit on my ass at the desk and basically do whatever. Like blog and listen to music. But honestly, I don't get to sleep more than four hours or so at a time anymore and it's starting to kill me. I can just feel myself falling closer and closer to the edge and while I don't want to quit what am I to do? I'm failing classes (not all but still), I have no energy ever, I'm eating horribly, and I'm pretty sure I've basically been sick for a month and haven't gotten better because I don't sleep like normal people. I slept for 14 hours on Saturday because I knew it was going to be the only time I got to really sleep for days. So what does that say about me? I know I'm slowly killing my body. There's only so long you can push it at 110% before it just gives out and never is the same again. Sometimes I wonder what happened to the really interesting, respectable person I was in high school. I wasn't concerned about sleeping all the time, I ate alright, I worked out, I was interesting, people took me seriously, and people respected me. Now, it's almost the complete opposite. I guess I'm still interesting but I think it's for the wrong reasons. And what if it is all because I'm so overworked and overstretched and exhausted all because of this job? I know I need the money, but it's only two months until school is over and I can get a job for the summer. Maybe quitting is better. But to quit feels like I gave up. And I should be able to do anything, right? It's only two months, maybe I can hang on just a little longer...

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Life Is Killing Me

Honestly, it is. Like today, for instance. Alright, on Saturday I didn't really have anything that I needed to do. I didn't have work, I didn't have any immediate homework that needed to get done, I just needed to be at the Zeta house for chapter retreat at 6:30. So I slept until 3. Yes, 3 pm. Why? Because I never get enough sleep. So after 14 hours of sleep I was feeling pretty good. Well, I get to retreat and we aren't really done with what we're doing until 11. Then I had work at 4 but daylight savings time has started today. So I lost an hour of sleep. I get off of work at 8 but I have to be back at the house for more retreat stuff immediately afterwords. We're going until about noon, but I need to stay after for the new member meeting so that I can talk about my EC position. Yeah, I get to go home after, but I have work from 3-5, and a meeting at 5 and at 8. I'll be done around 10 tonight. That's when I get to go to sleep. And it's not like I really slept well last night because I was cold and basically sleeping on a cement floor. Uhg. What makes it worse? I don't really get to sleep tonight, either, because I have work from 3-6. AM. F. M. L. Yeah, I get to sleep after work, but not by much because I have class at 8. Then I do get to sleep for four hours (yay!) but then it's class at 2, meetings from 4:30 until 7:30, then study hours from 8 - 11. Then I'm allowed to sleep. I think my life is trying to kill me. It probably doesn't help that I picked up a second 8 week class to be used as a buffer in case I fail a class because I'm struggling academically. My councilor tells me I'm like the Energizer Bunny because I just keep going and going and she doesn't know how I do it. I don't know how either. I'm starting to get to the point where everything is just a haze and I don't really know or care about anything because I feel so dead. I just don't care. I don't want to do anything anymore. I just want to lie still and stare. Or sleep. Or die because it would be easier than the shit I've been trying to do. My life is killing me.

Friday, March 12, 2010


But, I started another blog, mainly because I had a random urge. I have this new computer with a webcam attached and so I think it's really fun to record myself, but I figure why not do it with a purpose? So I started a video blog to follow my life. It kind of goes hand in hand with this one. So you can find it by looking at my profile and finding the list of blogs I do or you can just go to and find it there. Anyway, just thought I'd tell you. I'm new at this so my apologies if it ends disastrously.


I'm so tired, all the time. I just want to be awake, to feel fully functional. Being this exhausted all the time is killing me. And when all I want to do is sleep, I can't get the things done that I need to. I hate it. I just wish that I could do this. But I'm so stressed out all the time, trying to get going and I can't. School is kicking my ass and I'm trying to keep up with it and study but at this point it doesn't even seem to matter how hard I try it still isn't good enough. Maybe if I wasn't so tired and busy all the time. But even then, I don't know. I just wish life could be easy. But then again, if it was, it'd be a slut. Thus it chooses to be a bitch instead. Uhg. FML.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

New Computer/Cat Escape

I just got a netbook computer this past weekend while I was in Albuquerque, and let me tell you, I am stoked!! Eek! Yay! And I'm kind of wondering how it is that I've been getting by without one. Hmm. Odd. Anyhowzers, life is crazy. Something I noticed, I'm tired all the time. This is probably due to the fact that I work stupid hours and I'm never getting enough sleep because I'm always busy. Way too busy. Ask my friends, they never get to see me because I'm too busy doing too much other shit. Uhg. So I look tired all the time. Oi. If you haven't seen me since December or earlier, you will be surprised to see that I cam exhausted looking on a rather regular basis. Bleh.

So Petra got out on Sunday night. Chris and I got to his house that night and she must have run outside as we were coming in because we couldn't find her. Granted, we didn't notice until the next morning, and we were freaking out. We were looking for her all day and asking everyone we knew if they had seen her but to no avail. Luckily, that night while I was working on homework, she started meowing outside the window so I was able to go call her from the door and she came running in. I was so happy! I was scared she was laying dead on the side of the road or something because she's never been outside before and Chris lives next to Highway 70. Way too many truckers drive there and I'd be sad if she died. The only thing is that she was in heat recently, so I'm hoping she didn't get knocked up last night...

Monday, March 1, 2010


Such is life when you work crappy hours because no one else wanted them because they're early in the morning and you needed a job bad enough that you were willing to work at 3 am. Still, the moneys is good. Okay, minimum wage isn't fantastic, but it's a pretty good amount of money for what this job entails and when you have no bills to pay it definitely is a plus. So most of the money goes into savings, and the rest of it gets spent on random stuff that may not be necessary but is nice to have. Example A: bough yarn and crochet needles yesterday. No, I don't need it, but crocheting is relaxing and fun. And it wasn't too expensive, either.

Life is going alright. School is proving difficult, but I guess if you're working towards a college degree it should at least be a little challenging, right? So hopefully things work out. This week is midterms week for all lab classes, and next week is midterms for everything else. Woo. I think I should be alright, I just really need to study and do a lot of work for it. I want to pass everything and do well this semester.

Chris is amazing. I know, if you look at posts from a year ago, they probably say the same thing. Just remember, a different Chris. The current one will always be referred to as Chris, the other one is Stahelin. Don't confuse them. Stahelin has turned into a stupid dick, so whatever. We don't really talk anymore. Chris is fucking amazing. He makes everything better. Yesterday he cooked me breakfast. Mmm. It was amazing ^.^ And he treats me amazingly. It's odd being with him because it's probably my most mature relationship. All others have been highly concentrated in one area or another, but never been balanced. I'm stunned at how balanced it is now. He means so much to me, it means more than anything that I have him in my life to help me and care about me and be there to cheer me up.

I've been living in Portales for two months now without going home. It's weird. And I'm having withdrawals from my sister. Lol. Who would have thought, right? Funny thoughts. Still, I get to go home this weekend because it is Zeta Day on Saturday. Zeta Day is basically a day where all the alumnae chapters and collegiate chapters of ZTA in New Mexico get together, give awards, honor members, and overall just share experiences and Zeta with one another. It's super cool, and it's in Albuquerque this year so I'm super stoked! Yay! Although friend time will probably be minimal (I'm sorry guys) but Spring Break is in a few weeks so I will get to see you guys then =]

Anyhowzers, I'm at work right now (I know, it's approaching 5 am and I've been here since 3. I still have another hour) and rather tired, but it's naptime for a couple hours afterwards and then class at 8. Yay! But not really. Genetics is not a good subject to take at 8am when you work in the morning before then. Minimal sleep + early mornings + genetics = not a good idea. Still, I get to sleep after class. Yay sleep! I have a sleep addiction. I love sleeping all the time. Oi. Maybe it's gotten worse since I've been getting such irregular sleep all the time. Maybe that's also why I haven't really gotten over this stupid sick thing. Oh well.

So I am off, but remember, oodles of poodles is better than pogs of hogs. Lol =]