Thursday, December 11, 2008

End of School

Yup, I've finally reached that point in the semester where all my finals are done and I'm finally home =] I have my computer with me (always an added bonus). I can't play WoW, though. Sad days ='[ Still, Things are going pretty good. I got to hang out with my friend James last night. Never a dull moment, to say the least ;) lol. I got a migraine this morning, though. No bueno. Oh well.

Tomorrow will be interesting - I get to pack up my stuff to go to Australia on Saturday and try to come up with things to do on the magical road trip my grandparents and I are going on. It should be fun.

Speaking of Australia, I have to say that I am really freaked out. I'm not worried about being there or how long I'm away from home or anything like that; what I'm really freaked out about is that I'm going alone. Operating all those airports by myself and flying on a flight that's 16 hours long with no one but me is going to be an interesting experience, to say the least. I guess it's a part of growing up; knowing how to make these trips alone. Still, I'm a bit freaked out. I've only been 18 for a month. Oi. But I'm getting a new journal to write in tomorrow so that is good. Woot!! I guess I get to work on keeping myself company =]

Okay, weird stuff. I've been on a high for the past week or so, and it's weird how it affects my life. I'm so pumped to do everything. It's crazy! It's like, I wake up and I feel like I could do anything if I wanted to. Weird stuff. I don't even seem to need sleep; I just get up and I go and no sleep seems to be needed. Oi. Just the fact that it's gone on for a week is weird. Oh well.

I've been talking to my sister a bunch today and I always seem to forget how awesome it is talking to her. Man, I love her. Really, I don't get how I didn't like her when I was younger. I just must have been crazy. Oh well. I guess I can make up for lost time =]

So finals are over with and the semester has ended and I passed all my classes so I will never need to go back. Yay!! It's a good feeling. And it's nice knowing that I have six weeks with no crazy obligations to go through with or any deadlines to meet. I get to just sit back and work on getting my shit together before I take off full speed for another semester that's going to be harder than this one. I know I can do it, I just have to stay focused. And hopefully I'll have meds by then so that I won't have to deal with the crazy mood swings that are out of control. It will be good.

Monday, December 8, 2008


Holy canoly, I just learned that I can put fun stuff on my blog as added on!!! So the first thing I added is a poll. The poll will (hopefully) change every week and it will just be random musings of mine that I feel like asking people. The first question is: Would you date a smoker? You have four possible answers, so go forth and answer, it will be fun!! =D


So, finals started today. Not bad, I have to say. I did significantly better on my Biology final than I thought I would, did alright on my Chemistry Lab final, and on my Chemistry (lecture) final I did not too bad. Uhg, the grammatical sound of that sentence is painful. Anyway, so I have no finals tomorrow, and then on Wednesday I get to take my English final at 8 a.m. and then I am done!! Woo!! Then I get to get all of my crap together for a six week break and head home. Yay! I am excited. Now it's just a debate on whether or not I want to go to this late-night breakfast down in the CUB (Campus Union Building). Hmm. Maybe I'll go for a doughnut...

Sunday, December 7, 2008

I've Been Failing Epically

I know, when do I ever write anymore? Do updates? Anything? Obviously, I haven't been. The reason is the mood swings. I know that I've been talking about them a lot, but the problem is that I still don't have meds for it. It's just really hard to go to class every day and do the work I need to do just to pass, let alone go above and beyond to type up a blog. But I'm trying. Hopefully I'll start getting meds in the next week. I hope.

So, new stuff. I'm leaving for Australia on Saturday!! It's amazing. I'll see my grandparents again and I'll be in the Land Down Under. Woot! My last day of finals is Wednesday, so I will be done soon. I get to go home and see my friends again; it'll be nice. Sarah and I will have a CRave (car rave) and it will be fun. We shall stand in a random parking lot late at night blasting music from our cars and dance in the parking lot and saying, "To Hell with the world!!". Good times =]

Saturday, November 29, 2008

What I Want Most

Is there a way to just make this all disappear? I'm tired of feeling. I'm tired of feeling everything all the time. I just want it to stop. I want to be numb. I'm tired of emotion. I'm tired of life. Just make it stop. Seriously guys, if you know a way to stop feeling, stop caring, stop everything, let me know. I'm open to any suggestion because I can't take it anymore. What I want most in the world is to be numb.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008


Life is just weird. Have you ever noticed that? Just as you begin to become accustomed to what it is and how things are, it throws something new at you. Isn't it weird how just when you get comfortable with life, something new shows up and completely throws off your equilibrium? Then you're left wondering how this is going to affect your life and if it's going to be good or bad. Still, it's just something to think about.

Saturday, November 8, 2008


I have a question to you who take the time out of your busy lives to read this blog. Is it wrong to be true to yourself? On face value, I'd say no. But then you have to look a bit closer. What if who you really are isn't who people think? What if who you really are is, to put it nicely, very unfriendly? Society teaches us to be true to ourselves, but we're also taught that there is the ideal person that we all should strive to be. I've been that person my whole life, but what if who I really am is the complete opposite? Would it still be correct to be true to myself, or should I keep who I really am under the highest security lock-down my mind can create? Who I am is not what others want me to be, in fact, it's the exact opposite. On face value, I should say, "To hell with you!!" and move on with my life being who I am and never taking a moment to think about what others think of me, let alone what they want me to be. But if who I really am is a "monster" (at least, as seen my the whole of society), should I really do that, or should I keep on the path that was set before me by the world as a whole? It's a question I've been thinking of. While I think the outcome is unavoidable, I thought I'd pose the question to you. What do you think?

Friday, November 7, 2008


You know what really sucks? Being uber tired but being really awake. Yup. I'm wide awake but I really need to sleep. Uhg. I went to sleep around 7 because I started to get a migraine, and then around ten I woke up because I couldn't sleep anymore. My body temperature keeps going up and down, so that keeps waking me up, too. Bleh. This is no bueno. Rawr.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Election Results

So, if you paid attention, you probably noticed that my birthday was the day before election day, and I turned 18, so the bigger question is did I vote? Well, I did =] In truth, the only way I could vote was by absentee ballot because you need a voter registration card otherwise. Issue there is that they can't send it to you until you're actually 18 so I won't get mine until next week. But yes, I voted, and I am an avid Obama supporter. Plus, he won. It didn't help that I live in one of the most right-winged sides of the state right now, so when I went running around, cheering at the top of my lungs because Obama won, there was a voice in the back of my head telling me to tone it down so that I wouldn't die in my sleep. Oh well. So yes, I voted. First person I voted for ever was Barrack Obama, and he is our next president. Just say that out loud for a moment, President Obama. Doesn't that sound amazing?

Monday, November 3, 2008

Birthday!!! =D

In case you didn't figure it out, today is my birthday!! Yay!!! Today I enter the world as an adult. Officially, yes, I have reached adult status. I'm am freakin' 18!! Dude!!! I feel...shockingly old. I'm totally pumped, though. Just the new found freedom, it's invigorating. Hmm, man. I just I don't really know what to say.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Hormonal Update

Well, I've been taking the mood stabilizers. The problem is, it's not doing too much. I've been told by my counselor that I'm allowed to take the pills up to four times a day, and right now I'm at three. I'm really trying, it's just, it's not working well. I'll be alright for a few days, but then I'm not. It's like I'm fighting my body 24/7 just to keep from falling into severe depression. And when I'm not depressed, I'm either really hyper, or, more commonly, I'll be really really angry. My mom knows that I need help. And I get to talk to my counselor tomorrow, but still. We know that I might have to take prescription drugs soon. My mom wants to put it off as long as possible. My counselor says I probably need antidepressants. We'll see. I've been good about taking the pills, but I hate needing the. I'm used to being able to control my body, and I have no control right now. I'm hitting the balanced medium maybe 40% of the time, but that's not good enough for me. I can see it getting dangerous if this keeps up. Hopefully, after talking to my counselor tomorrow I'll have a few more answers.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Free Association Writing

So here's what happened. I decided that I would try out Freud's idea of free association writing. Well, it came out pretty interesting and fairly intense, but a lot of it was poetry of sorts. It was very thought provoking to me and maybe you'll find it the same. So I have decided that I will share a portion of it with you. I've changed the spelling errors but other than that I'm typing it exactly as I wrote it.


invisible motion to be lost in thought of great artistic memory yet forgotten by bittersweet love to turn to greed anger and hate

what comes now is as impassive as dark night always watching but never seeing never believing tragedy

what lies in words but can't be found might as well drown as the poet speaks literal words of death to be forgotten once more on tragic memory

what of me do you seek? a lost tangle of lies and deceit

better to end up dead than in someone else's bed

so hurt burned charred disgraced but never again to win a race

you'll never know never feel never see what it is to make me me

these cuts that grow blood will bring new life for only life can come from death only death from life

do you like what you see? this tragic mystery on love's death bed? heart grew cold as stone when left alone. can't love, can't breathe can't feel and there's nothing left to feel

you're dead now and you can feel it the empty tears of nothing froze you, too too long I've lived too long I've died and never been seen by you nor I I'm broken beyond repair

maybe he can see that

do you know? i know you feel something isn't right. maybe drugs or parasites

he's being eaten alive from the inside and we both know he'll never survive without your or I

but he lies hurts us breaks us makes us cold again and never can we be the same again

love him we do, we'll never stop but trust is yet a different thing for that can easily pass

don't read into the words as literal truth but find the secrets written behind. awaken and read and you will see what is left of you and me.


Again, that's only a piece of what I wrote. It came out pretty interesting to me so I decided it was worth sharing. =]

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Surprising Weekend

So this weekend I went home for the 2008 Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta. For those of you who have no idea what in the world that is, basically it's over 800 hot air balloons all getting together for about 9 days to fly every morning. It's amazing. Anyway, I am friends with a balloon pilot who flies Fiesta and so I help crew. If you don't know what a balloon crew does, they are the ones who help set up the balloon, fill it with air, and get it into the air. Then they chase the balloon with the pilot inside and when the balloon comes down, the crew is there to catch them and help bring the balloon down. It's sooo much fun. Thus, this weekend I decided to enjoy my time and go crew. It was good stuff. So here's what made it weird.

I was introduced to my pilot, John, by my ex-boyfriend, Sam. Sam has been crewing for John for at least 11 years (I think). Well, his parents aren't really crewing much these days and he lacks a car, so he wouldn't be able to crew Fiesta this year unless he had a ride. Last year I was his ride, but since we broke up this past January, we hadn't really talked that much and I was under the impression that he pretty much hated me with a fiery passion. Still, Fiesta is the BIGGEST time for crewing, and definitely the most fun. Because I wouldn't have had the opportunity to ever go to Fiesta, let alone crew it without having had Sam in my life, I figured it was only appropriate for me to ask if he wanted to go as well during the one weekend I was going to be there for it. So I called him up about two weeks before Fiesta to ask if he wanted to go. He was kind of busy so he said to call him later. During the week leading up to Fiesta, I called him again and we decided that he was going to come with me and crew that weekend. It was weird because he talked to me like we'd been friends for the past nine months rather than on a non-speaking basis. That Friday last week we arranged what time I'd be coming to get him and when we'd be meeting up and all those finer details. So at 4:15 a.m. on Saturday morning I showed up at his house and we went to crew Fiesta.

It wasn't bad, actually. However, it did prove to be a bit awkward. For one, his scent was driving me insane. What you have to remember is that we started dating when I was clinically depressed, and his smell helped make me feel better (mainly because I'd be held to him and I'd be smelling him so his smell comforted me). I haven't smelled it in over nine months (because I can't remember smelling it much during the last few months we were together) and so to have it take over the van we were in was driving me insane. Another thing was I didn't know how to act towards him, and I don't think he knew how to act around me. We both felt a little weird. Still, by the end of the day, we were talking at least, and messing around a bit like we used to. Still, it was a little awkward.

That night, I ended up hanging out with him (unexpectedly, for it wasn't planned). We pretty much drove around town for about an hour and a half just talking and catching each other up on our lives since we'd last really talked, which was in January. I also found out in that conversation that he never hated me, and that's when I learned just how much it was affecting me thinking that he hated me all this time. It was amazing. Just suddenly how much everything changed by hearing the words, "I never hated you." It hit me then just how much he still meant to me. And then everything I've been trying to block up in my mind for the past nine months starting breaking my wall. More and more started to slip through. I went home that night feeling so relieved it was insane.

The next morning, we didn't crew, because it was raining all night. But it was okay. My friend, Kim, had come with me to crew, so her, Sam, and myself decided that even though we weren't crewing we'd hang out anyway. All we did was sit in my car next to a park just jamming to Jack Johnson and talking. It was nice. And I learned that Sam and I were friends again. Just like that. Nine months of hating (by me) and silence and angst and then after 24 hours it was shattered and suddenly we were friends just like before. I was stunned. I went back to school that afternoon completely dazed from the shock. It was like the past nine months hadn't happened, or like it had just been a weekend apart. My wall blocking all my thoughts and emotions towards Sam completely crumbled beneath the weight of everything. And then I started to realize some things.

For one, what if Sam had been hurting this whole time as much as I have? I wouldn't feel so bad about everything if I knew he had hurt as much as I had. I spent so much time denying the fact that my heart was crying every day because I'd lost my best friend and my other half. For nine months I'd been denying the fact that I was so upset. I lived my life pretending that I didn't care and that I hated him, but I couldn't, because I still loved him. I pushed myself to do so much that I wouldn't have done before as a means of trying to forget about him, to move on, and yet I still couldn't do it. I'd still have days where all I could do was think about him and how upset I was. And I realized that maybe he felt the same, and maybe he was doing the same thing.

And then, what if I had hurt him as bad as he hurt me? He broke up with me, but I flat out told him I didn't care because I was going to break up with him anyway, he just beat me to it. What if that hurt him even more because he hadn't really wanted to break up, but was just scared to do it? Then to find out that I didn't even care, because it was coming anyway. I mean, that had the potential to be the destroyer of worlds. And what if some of the stuff that he had said, like how he had supposedly never loved me, had only been said because it would make the pain of losing me feel like less than it was? What if we'd both been living a lie to try and deny the fact that we both felt like death about being apart and not speaking?

That's when I realized that I couldn't just pretend like he hadn't affected me the way he had. I am who I am because he was a part of my life. I grew and changed and matured with him and it was because of our relationship that I am who I am. And so much shifted in my brain that I don't know what I'm going to do now. I guess I'll just keep going, and see how this develops.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008


This sucks. My hormones are soooooo out of whack. Basically, my body is crazy imbalanced and the effects suck. Basically, I'll feel crazy depressed for hours at a time. It's horrible. Mentally, I don't feel depressed at all, but physically, I'm so down I don't even want to do anything. It sucks. I just feel so down and it's all because my hormones are out of balance. Now I have to get back on my mood stabilizers because I can't function normally right now. It's sooo not fun. It's like, I mentally I'm totally ready to go do stuff, but I can't get my body to go along with it. I don't feel like eating, all I want to do is sleep. I can't even get myself to do stuff I like, like reading. Hell, I even feel like doing homework and I can't get my body to do it. It's like, the only thing my body wants to do is curl up in bed for days at a time and never move, just lay there in the dark. I hate taking pills, but if I keep going at this rate I'll stop functioning in everyday life. Right now it's taking all my energy just to function at a semi-normal level. I can go to classes, talk to people, and eat, but that's about it. And I'm so drained mentally at the end of the day just to do that that I have to take pills just to function again. I've been on mood stabilizers before, but I'm not looking forward to it again. I needed it three years ago because I was depressed/bi-polar. Everything was mental as well as physical. Now it's just a physical problem. Still, I can't get the meds until this Friday, and it'll be a few days after that before I can start feeling the effects. I just hope this works.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Just . . . Life...

So an update on life. My most insane week for the year was this past week. It went something like this:


Psychology, Biology, Chemistry, and English classes

In the afternoon: Meet Zeta's for dinner, have a two hour meeting after


Chemistry Lab

CROWN party that night, followed by a Student Senate meeting.


Psychology, Biology, Chemistry, and English classes

Another CROWN party

Need to write a Succession Paper for Biology Lab


Biology Lab

Mixer with the Sigma Chis and a Community Service project at the local senior center

Study for Psychology and Biology Tests


Psychology, Biology, Chemistry, and English classes

Psychology and Biology Tests

Essay for English due

Drive to Las Vegas, NM with Kim


Here's the thing that I knew with these tests.

1. I knew I needed to study all week, not just the night before.
2. In both Psych and Bio, there are only four tests the whole semester, so if I failed one it'd be more than just a big deal.
3. With all my classes and everything going on with Zeta, I'd have almost no time to study unless I planned on not sleeping, which is a no-go.

So, I didn't do Zeta stuff on Wednesday or Thursday. Thursday I was typing so much to help me study that it felt like I just slammed a hammer repeatedly into my fingers. And I was crazy stressed out.

Yesterday I learned that I got an 82% on my Biology test, which is a high B by my teacher's grading scale. I won't find out how I did on my Psychology test until tomorrow. I'm hoping for a B.


New on life.

Have you been paying attention to what's been going on with the economy? It's looking like we're about to hit up a world-wide depression. Yes, depression. I don't care if no one wants to talk about it, but that's what it is. Screw this "recession" bullshit, it's a depression. Get used to it.

So we're about to fall into this world-wide depression. What does that mean for me? I mean, I know that the world economies will be hit, but I want to know how this is going to affect me, an average college student in America. If I'm going to be living through this, it'd be nice to have any kind of idea on how it's going to affect me. I know what happened during The Great Depression, but I want to know how this will affect not only me but your average American on the street as well. What's going to happen to us? What's going to happen to the country? What's going to happen as a whole? I know no one knows the answers to these questions, we'll only know as time plays out. But still, it's got me a little worried.

Anyway, that's what's on my mind. I'm not freaking out over it, but I am a little worried as to how this is going to come back to me, my friends, and my family.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Official for Winter Break

I am leaving for Australia on December 13. I don't come back until January 7. Dude, I am so excited!!! However, I broke my fingers yesterday by typing for about 10 hours straight, so I'm going to have to cut this blog short. Laters.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Roommates. Again.

So, my roommate moved out Friday. My new roommate moved in Friday. So much for time spent enjoying a single room. Bri is my roommate. Figures. Oh well. It's turning out better than I thought it would. Basically, our hall director, Chelsey, wanted to consolidate our rooms so we were asked to room together. Oi. Still, I guess life is a little more interesting with Bri around, but still. I would've liked to have enjoyed having the room to myself for even one night. Clearly that didn't happen. Anyway, sorry I didn't tell about this sooner, I just forgot that I hadn't already written on it. But now you know. I never got to go with that emptyness because I got a roommate the same day as I lost one.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Winter Break

Well, this winter break I am privileged enough to go to Australia for at least two weeks to be with my grandparents for Christmas. I can't explain just how excited I am! This is going to be awesome!! I am quite happy. This is awesome. Oh man. When I got more details I'll let you know =]

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

The Roommate Conclusion

So today I found out that my roommate has decided that she does want to move in with Nicole, that their room request was approved, and she will be completely moved out of my room by Sunday. This will be fun. I'm noticing that I'm more sad than I thought I would be. I guess because I didn't find out from her, I found out from my friend Kim first and then I found out from her. It wasn't much of a time span difference, but still. I guess it makes me sad. And that my room is going to be lonely.

I'm trying to look at the positive side. I get to move the furniture however I want. My room will be quiet. People will only be in there when I want them to. I can focus without distraction. I don't have to worry about keeping someone up and I can go to sleep whenever. But I'm still sad.

I guess it's going to be a bit lonely. That feeling like someone's always there, knowing that you are going home to someone. Having a person who's there at any time of day. I know my roommate and I were not that close, but still, it's a sense of companionship that I won't have anymore. It's sad. And when I get a new roommate, I'm going to have to go back to that whole awkward time where you are living with someone you don't know. Uhg.

Sunday, September 14, 2008


Oi. Seriously. Life is so...dramatic. Here's what happened:

So my roommate, Karol, has this friend, Nicole, who comes over fairly often and they talk and whatnot and hang out. I don't really mind. But Nicole doesn't like her roommate.

A friend of mine who lives across the hall, Bri, just had her roommate move out. Because she moved, she has the room all to herself, but she knows that it won't stay that way forever. She doesn't want some new person in her room that she has to get acquainted with all over again.

Bri and Nicole got together and came up with a "brilliant" plan.

Step 1: Nicole would move into my room.

Reason: She could be with Karol rather than her roommate and they would get along.

Nicole's Logic: If she was staying with Karol and I wasn't, I wouldn't have to deal with her in my room all the time being loud and I could study in silence.

Step 2: I would move into Bri's room.

Reason: I would get to room with someone I know.

Bri's Logic: She wouldn't have to get a new roommate that she didn't know. Since we're already friends it would work out great.

Nicole's Logic: I would be with someone I'm already friends with. Plus, the new girl who would have originally been Bri's roommate wouldn't have to move into Bri's room only to move out again into Nicole's old room.

Step 3: The new girl who would have been in Bri's room will instead move into Nicole's old room down the hall.

Here's my thing, they told me about this plan right before I went to my last class on Friday. In class, I had bigger things to be thinking about rather than room drama with my room as the focal point and the creators of this idea didn't even live there. So I went to class and completely forgot about the plan. After class, Paige, Robyn, Kim, and I were supposed to hit the road to go to Albuquerque for the weekend, so I was concerned about packing. Right as I get to my room, I get a call from Bri.

Bri is hoping that I'm still okay with the plan and that I don't mind and hoping that I'll go with it. Karol doesn't care so she is just going along with it. I was hoping that I could think about it over the weekend, but they got to me right as I was about to go and so out of stress and haste, I signed the paperwork to do the room switch.

Everything was all set to go, but over the weekend I actually had some time to think. I kind of like my room. My room is nice. It's set up the way I want, everything's all moved in, I like it's location, Karol's pretty cool, and it feels like home. To move across the hall would be a pain in the ass. Also, Bri's already moved in, so I would have to adjust around her. Not quite so fun.

Another thing, I don't really see Bri and myself getting along very well as roommates. No offense or anything to her, but I just don't see us doing well as roommates. Friends, yeah, we're great. Sorority sisters, yeah, we're great. But roommates? Not so much.

After talking about it with Kim all weekend and thinking about it, I decided that I didn't actually want to do this. I just liked everything the way it was. Besides, if Nicole wanted to be closer to Karol, she could move in with Bri and we'd be fine.

Well, I get in today and I kind of tell Karol that I don't actually want to do the move anymore. I guess she wasn't paying attention. My RA, Stephanie, said she needed me to sign some papers about moving (which I thought I already did but whatever) and I said I didn't want to move anymore. Kim was with me, and she got a bit excited and told her the whole story. Stephanie said it was fine if I didn't want to move. She also said that if Karol and Nicole want to room together, there's an empty room down the hall that they could move into together. Well, I called up Karol to tell her about it.

I thought Karol didn't care one way or another, but I guess I was wrong. She seemed a little upset that I didn't want to move anymore. Then she said she had to talk to Nicole about whether or not they would do it. Now I feel kind of cheated. They kept saying from the beginning that I didn't have to move if I didn't want to. I would have if Karol had said she wanted me to because I don't want to force her to stay with me, but she didn't care either way so I figured she wouldn't mind. But now she might take off anyway.

If I end up by myself, I guess it isn't bad. I like Karol, but if she doesn't want to room with me I can't make her. Still, I guess I just want things to turn out alright. We'll see what happens.

Thursday, September 11, 2008


Yeah, that's right. I'm sick. It sucks. I'm supposed to go to the doctor today to find out what's wrong with me. I haven't tried talking yet today but I'm sure my voice is just as bad today as it was yesterday. I'm tired, coughing, my lungs hurt, my bronchial tubes feel weird, my nose is runny and clogged, my head hurts, and my body feels beat. Oi. Being sick sucks.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

It's a Big Move

I, like so many others before me, have gone Greek. I joined the sisterhood of Zeta Tau Alpha last night. No, my new sisters are not anything like the stereotypes.

Yeah, I was hesitant to join. I knew that the bond of friendship that exists in a sorority is something that I would like, but if it came with being profiled around campus as being "easy", if I had to go to parties and drink, if I had to go through "hazing" to be accepted, then going Greek was something I wouldn't do. Still, I knew that everything I heard was stereotypes of all Greeks, so I knew that I had to get to know them personally before I could ever judge them. With that being said, I decided to go through formal recruitment. For the last three days I went to six different parties, or rather, three individual parties for both the sororities here, Chi Omega and Zeta Tau Alpha.

I was skeptical at first but the more time that I spent thinking about it and the more time I spent with all the individuals, I came to realize that the groups were filled with amazing women and by the last two hours of time I had to sit and think last night about which group I would join, I was torn between both. In the end, I went with ZTA.

The Zetas are AMAZING. I know that the bond I'm going to be having with them is going to be one I will never forget. My pledge class is really cool, too, and I know that we're all going to be part of this really amazing group.

Monday, September 1, 2008

First Weekend Home

So, obviously by the title, I went home this past Labor Day weekend. Reason being that I was going to get a new phone and my sister's birthday is on the 31st. So I went home.

It was weird when I left. I felt like I was leaving a part of my soul behind. It made me sad. Still, I was excited to be on the road, so I didn't complain.

I met up with my parents and we chillaxed together on the way home. We all started sharing stories and I told a bunch of my great college stories. It was fun, minus the fact that all four of us were talking at the same time, talking louder and louder trying to be heard by no one who was actually paying attention.

The next day was alright; I continued on like I was still at school. By the afternoon however, I had started to fall by into the same pattern that I'd been living my life in for the past three months. It was weird. As I was going to sleep, it felt like my two weeks at school had been nothing more than a dream of a perfect life that I could never, ever have, and that I was stuck in a place I would never be free from.

Sunday wasn't bad, but it was hard. By the end of the day, I was so frustrated with everything that I was even considering just leaving. However, I couldn't really do that because I'd feel too guilty and because I was giving Kim a ride home the next day. Anyway, it wasn't a great day. Basically, I think it was just that it felt SOmuch like my life when it sucked that I wanted to get away more than anything else, to be reminded that the last two weeks actually happened.

Anyway, today I came home. It was good, but I wasn't all for the driving for five hours. Don't get me wrong, I love driving, it's just that I was really tired is all. Doesn't help that the landscape only gets duller the longer you're driving. Even while I was driving, it still felt like I'd show up and nothing would be here to ever prove that the source of all my happiness would exist. Still, once I got here, it didn't really change.

I got back to school this afternoon and it felt as if I had merely fallen asleep again and I just picked up on my dream where I had left off. It was weird. It still feels a bit surreal. I've got everything I brought all put away and I'm already starting to get back into the swing of things, but I still feel like I'm going to wake up any moment in my bed in a hell I'll never escape. It's weird.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Just a simple Update

Yuppers, so I haven't updated in a while. Let's see, classes started. They actually aren't too bad. I'm on top of my homework which is REALLY weird for me. Yesterday I rearranged all the furniture in my room. My roommate and I get along great. A whole bunch of fraternity parties keep happening in the middle of the week so I can't go. Well, okay, I'm not even that interested to go. Still, there's one tonight that sounds like loads of fun but I can't go because it starts to late and I have class early. Bleh. I get to go home soon and get my car =D I've been hanging out with my friend Kim a lot. It's good stuff =]

Sunday, August 24, 2008


So my friend Kim wanted to go to church today because she's exploring the different churches in the area and she wanted a buddy to go with her so I volunteered. Well, we went to Calvary Baptist Church. If you know me and my religious views, you know this would be a bit...interesting... I am part Wiccan, part Buddhist, and part Science of Mind (refer back to my blog post where I talk about my church ACSL). I wasn't too enthused about going to a church where they praise Jesus like a he's a God himself and where they focus on intense religious aspects. It's not that I mind what they believe, it's just that I don't really like to go with it. Anyway, we get there and something happened while we were there.

During the service it finally clicked on what my church has been telling me for ages. It's something I've known for years, but I don't think that I fully grasped it mind and soul until today. God is in everything, and you should be able to see it in everyone and everything. As Siddhartha Gautama, the founder of Buddhism, puts it, "He who experiences the unity of life sees his own Self i all beings, and all beings in his own Self, and looks on everything with an impartial eye." That saying is on a poster in my dorm room, and I see it every day. In church they tell us the same basic thing over and over again. And I thought I understood that. Apparently I was wrong.

While I was at the CBC, I realized that I hadn't gotten it at all. I was trying to see myself in the people there, and I couldn't do it. I tried to be open minded but I wasn't. All I could think about was how I didn't believe what they said and if they found out what I really thought they'd all go insane trying to save my soul and how I had to pretend that I agreed with everything the way everyone else did so that I wouldn't draw more attention to myself than I already had by being one of the few younger people in the congregation. Then, while we were singing hymns, I started singing the song Spirit in the House, by Jami Lula, and then it all clicked.

Suddenly I felt love and compassion towards everyone in the building. Suddenly, it didn't matter that what I felt was different, because I could feel where they were coming from in the depths of my being. I could find the part of me that was in them and the part of them that was in me and suddenly, we were family. I felt love and compassion for them as I would never have expected and suddenly I was bursting with joy and happiness that I immediately started radiating into the room. It wasn't until that moment, when I was surrounded by people that I would never be with, that I finally got it.

Sure, it's easy to accept people who are similar to yourself. It's easy to see yourself in others and others in yourself when you are on a similar wavelength. It's so much harder to do the same thing with people that are completely different from yourself. I didn't really understand that to the core of my being until today, surrounded by people that I would never have surrounded myself by willingly. It's like Jesus said, "Love your enemies." (at least, I think that's what he said). Yeah, it's easy to love your friends and family, but it's so much harder to really love you enemies. It's taken me years to actually get this. In my head I understood, but it wasn't until today that my heart learned it, too.

Thursday, August 21, 2008


You know, an interesting thought occurred to me today while I was in the shower.

I personally feel awake and refreshed after I take a shower. It's nice, soothing, relaxing. I feel good and invigorated and just overall good. I know others feel similarly. When we feel upset or gross or dirty or something from events that happen in life, we take a shower to wash it away. When we're upset, we can just sit in running water and it's like the water's just washing away all the pain. When we're happy we don't shower because we're too distracted by life.

Anyway, showers are cleansing. It's like the running water washes away the pain and heals the wounds we have. It's amazing. I don't understand. If you get it better than I do, please share =]


I finally got my computer registered, and now, after almost a week of waiting, I have the Internet in my room. This is most excellent!!! So, hopefully I should be able to post a lot more when I do and I'll be on the Internet more often now that it's so easy to get on. Yay!!!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

First Day of Classes

Yuppers, today was the first day of actually school. Dawg Days is over and the summer-camp buzz I've been running on for the past few days is over. I already ahve a ridiculous amount of homework, but at least my class for tomorrow was cancelled so I can just do my work all day. It is pretty good stuff.

Kappa Sigma, the fraternity whose house is across the street from my dorm is really loud. They're out every night partying. Not that I mind too much, but tonight they are having a party where they invited practically the whole school and let's just say that getting some sleep tonight is not going to be an easy feat.

Anyhow, tomorrow I should be getting my computer registered so that I can finally have internet on my computer. Man, I've been getting withdrawals. It's a bad sign.

I'll be sure to keep you posted. Life is going just nifty and so hopefully it'll stay this good =]

Peace out!! =P

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

School is Fantastic

Sorry about posting stuff mainly on how school is going, but to be honest, orientation's been taking up all of my time. I've been meeting new people and all of it has got me going so much that I haven't even really had time to think about much else. Deep thoughts will be posted again eventually, but right now, you're going to have to tolerate the learning and exploring of the whole "college experience". Then again, isn't that what this blog is supposed to be about?

So this girl that I met yesterday is freakin' awesome and she totally made my day today. She lives across the hall from me and *shockingly* our first class tomorrow is the same. Definitely made my day. So right now we're just chillaxing in our dorm's computer lab and I'm typing this and she's doing the whole e-mail thing and we're chilling. I'm thinking of getting pictures of the campus to post up. Anyway, things are going well. Orientation is almost over. Classes start in the morning. Life is fantastic. The weather's been a bit weird, but other than that things are cool. Still needing that internet connection in my room, though...

Sunday, August 17, 2008


Well, school is going well. Today I met about five people. Also, I went dancing, hung out, powned at cards, and overall I had a good day. I am looking forward to tomorrow. Hopefully my posts will get longer when I have internet access in my room =]

I've Moved

I am now living in Portales at ENMU. It's pretty neat. I'm still pretty shy though so it's kind of interesting being here. I didn't meet my roommate yet. It looks like I have a different roommate and she didn't come for the first day yesterday. Hopefully she'll be here by Wednesday. Something was up with the keys in my dorm so I lack keys for my room. That's interesting. Still, I should have them by Monday.

Last night we had an awesome fireworks show. It was pretty intense, they were really loud and then the sound echoed off of all the buildings. It's crazy stuff.

Anyway, I'm a bit shy so it's making me nervous about this afternoon, well, okay the rest of Dawg Days, but hopefully I'll have a good time. We just have to wait and see.

Friday, August 15, 2008

The Nerves are Kicking In

Definitely. In the morning, I'm leaving for Portales. In 24 hours' time, I'm going to be moved in and talking with my family for the last moments I'll have with them. Then I'm on my own.

It's a scary thought, knowing that you have to be on your own. When you leave for school, it suddenly hits you: you aren't a kid anymore. You have to pay for what you need, your parents aren't there to nag you about everything. Your life is suddenly in your hands, and you look like a deer in the headlights wondering what the hell you're going to do with it. It's at times like these where you realize that you have the power over your life and where it's going. It isn't your parents, your family, your friends, your school, or society telling you where you're going and what you're doing. It's all about you. It's a weird feeling. It makes you scared. Can't lie, I am scared shitless right now. But I'm also one of the most excited people you will meet.

That's the other feeling you get when you hit this moment in life. Excitement. Suddenly, you're free. Freedom is an awesome feeling. But guess what? It's scary too. But hey, it's all up to you. You can go to school, you can drop out, you can get a job, you can get married, you can have kids, you can travel the world. Life is yours and you can do what you want with it. Once you realize this, you feel...empowered. At least, I do. I'm excited for all of this. I want to go. I want the freedom. I want the ability to rule my own life.

Anyway, this is what's really bugging me right now. I'm mostly packed (I think...) and so now it's just making sure it's all put together before I leave in the morning. I have to see my remaining friends once more before I leave. And then my new life begins.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

I'm a Writer

Did you guys know that? Recently I just put together a binder done up all nice and shmexy full of all the poetry I wrote during my senior year. It's pretty cool. Well, you probably won't see it, but if you want to see my writing there is somewhere you can go to find it. I post poems I write on a different blog. You can either get there by viewing my profile then by clicking the link to it on that page, or you can go to I'd say it's pretty cool. A lot of my thoughts and feelings come through on my poetry (which is mostly what I write), so it's a bit interesting to look at. I don't post as often on there, but when I write new stuff I post it. So go, read, and enjoy =]

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I Was a Twin

Okay, officially, no I wasn't. But my sister and I have an interesting theory. If you've ever met my sister, you know we're a lot alike. Ever since we were little, people would ask us if we were twins. What was weird when we were younger is that I was a foot taller than her and people still thought we were. Silly, I know. Anyway, we have a theory.

Our theory is this: we were supposed to be twins. If you look at my blog where I talk about choosing parents and interacting with other beings on the spiritual planes, this theory makes sense. Here's our logic for it. My mom had a miscarriage before she had me. My sister and I think that that child was actually supposed to be both of us, born into this world as twins. However, we also feel that our mom's body wouldn't have been able to handle twins and neither could our parents just trying to raise them. As a result, we came separately when the time was right.

Now, there is my sister and myself. We are three years apart but we also look pretty similar and act similarly. We have those "freaky twin things" where we'll say entire sentences at the same time, same pace, same tempo, same everything. We think alike and act alike. People who don't know us very well but meet us together think we're twins. They always freak out when they find out we aren't. So, we think that we were supposed to be twins all along, and that we really are, just that we have a three year gap without the other.

*Note: The picture is of my sister and me at my high school graduation this past may. Sorry that it's a really crappy picture; I'm lacking a better one. Hopefully when my sister gets home from school today I can get a new one. My sister, Stephanie, is on the left. I am on the right.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

My Life is SO Weird

My life nowadays always seems to have a way of working its way right back where I want it. I don't know how, it just always does. Every time something comes and knocks it out of whack, it finds its way back and I have no idea how. Here's my two guesses: 1. I have REALLY GOOD karma. 2. I am a master at the Law of Attraction. Why do I say this? Mainly because Jarrod and I are still friends and I'm not ready to kill Lynsie anymore.

So let's start with the first theory, I have FANTASTIC karma. I'm not going to deny that one. If you've ever looked at my life you will notice that I always get great things happening to me. Just as things are starting to look bad something good always comes along. I'm not kidding, my karmic energy is phenomenal. I'm not sure how, maybe I can save karmic energy from past lives and let it all accumulate (like roll-over minutes haha lol roll-0ver karma points lmao). Either way, karma always seems to be in my favor. At least, nowadays. But then again, doesn't karma sort of tie into the Law of Attraction?

So the second theory, I'm a master at the Law of Attraction*. This makes sense. If you don't know me, let me enlighten you. A couple years ago I was seriously depressed. I was suicidal. Yes, I was cutting. I contemplated suicide on a fairly regular basis and for all those who did know me at that time, you know that nothing helped. I had to see a councilor, I was put on mood-stabilizers (because I'm a bit bipolar), and still, nothing was really making a difference. Now you are probably wondering how this applies to me being a master of the Law of Attraction. Well, it's simple. Take the negative side of that Law and you had me: the Master of Negativity. Here's what I kept thinking over and over and over again:

1. My life sucks.
2. My parents hate me.
3. No one at school likes me.
4. I have no friends.
5. My sister is a bitch who is out to ruin my life.
6. I'm fat.

These six things were what I thought about all the time. Now, we know the universe likes to give you what you ask for. So what happened? I got all of the above tenfold. It sucked. Basically it turned out like so:

1. I hated everything in life and was miserable enough to be suicidal.
2. My parents and I fought all the time.
3. People at school gave me dirty looks and talked shit about me behind my back.
4. My friends stopped talking to me and left me alone.
5. My sister and I would yell and fight (yes, physically too) at every opportunity.
6. I gained 40 lbs in a year.

Yeah, Law of Attraction works alright. And guess what? I had to learn that the hard way. I had to learn that I made my life exactly that. I had to learn the hard way that I lost everything I cared about most because I was so damn negative. What a lot of people probably don't know, however, is that is was my friend and soon-to-be boyfriend, Sam, that helped me out of it. How? Well, he was in the same position I was, and as soon as I started to see what he was doing, it snapped me out of it. I saw what he was doing and it got me out of my introspective nightmare. I realized that everything he was doing to himself was an exact reflection of what I was doing to myself. Together, we both grew out of it and moved on. If you've talked to me recently, you know I've talked a lot of trash about Sam, but the truth is, I still owe him my life. He helped me more than anyone could and saved my life. I still have to respect that. It was because of him that I could see how my thoughts made my life exactly that. When my thoughts were a lie, the universe turned it into a truth. That's how I learned about the Law of Attraction.

It wasn't until this past year, however, that I really started to get how to be positive. It really hit me when Sam and I broke up (yeah, we were together for almost two years. He was my first boyfriend. It ended badly. We don't talk anymore). After that moment, I started to really see things. I got out of a world that existed of only two people, Sam and myself. I started to see the world for what it was. I saw people and really saw them for the first time. I started to realize that I had friends. My parents and I get along great. My sister is one of my many best friends. I'm losing weight. I'm going to a school that's right for me. Everything in my life is going exactly the way I want it to. People always wish that their lives could be perfect. Mine already is. I'm surrounded by great people. I learn something new every day. I have a huge circle of friends. Life is amazing. And I made it happen.

So hwo does this apply to me now? Well, Jarrod is talking to me and we're still good friends (yes, name of said guy that I've liked for ages is Jarrod. I'm tired of alluding to him). I'm not so angry at my cousin anymore. I forgive her. And life just went back to the way it was before yesterday blew up in my face. Strange. My life is SO weird.


*For those of you who don't understand, it's a simple concept. Basically, what you put out is what you get back threefold (or close to anyway). So let's say you send out a small, marble-sized amount of love to someone you know. In turn, the universe will give you back a bowling ball portion of love. Let's say you send out a toothpick of negativity to someone. You will get back a javelin-sized negative reaction in your face. It follows very close to the idea of karma, it just has a different name and a little clearer definition.

Monday, August 11, 2008

My Heart Feels Destroyed

Yesterday, the guy that I've been crushing on for months basically started hitting it off with my cousin. They've only seen each other twice. Yeah, it sucks. My cousin knew how I felt a month ago. Anyone who saw me and this guy together could tell that I liked him. A LOT. What set me off: 1) I felt like he was trying to avoid me randomly (which is weird because for the past month anyone paying any attention to the two of us at all would have been able to tell that I liked him and he probably liked me back as any observer noted to me) 2) He started texting my cousin (not that I really care, but there was a twinge of jealousy because he was talking to her more than he talked to me and I was always trying to be there for him) the ENTIRE day 3) When I tried to talk to him he wasn't talking back (via text) 4) He was acting unusually distant towards me when I saw him 5) He started flirting with my cousin a bunch 6) For the last hour and a half that I was there (he, my sister, my cousin, and myself were all at his house watching Casino Royale and then the Olympics) he was holding hands with her nonstop. Man, I feel like someone ripped out my heart, ground it into a bloody pulp, and then shoved it back down my throat. It sucks. It's the first time anything like this ever happened to me. First of all, I have been falling for him for the past two months (getting closer to three now). Second, I thought he liked me back, but I guess I was wrong. Third, it was my cousin of all people. I trusted her with everything, I told her everything and how I felt and quite literally everything and then the second time she sees him she's all over him and he's all over her. Oh yeah, and as we were leaving, he gave her this huge hug that lasted for freaking ever. Uhg. I feel like shit. I feel betrayed by both of them. I feel like my heart's been ripped into a million pieces and then spit on by two people that I greatly cared about. Guess it's a new experience that I get to have for myself after-all. It sucks.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Spiritual Life

I went to church* this morning and it was a little different from normal. My friend Corey came with me (Jarrod was supposed to come too but he had to work). I'm in the Young Adult group (18-22; high school graduates) and I was the only one there today who's been going to this church for more than a couple of months. So what we did today was basically go over the history of The Science of Mind and go over some of its basic teachings. Part of our conversation came up to the concepts discussed in The Celestine Prophecy and what happens in the afterlife and what goes into reincarnation. The one that made me really think was about how we may choose who our parents are going to be while we are still living in a purely spiritual plane in between lives.

This wasn't the first time I'd heard this idea, however it was the first time I heard it from church. Still, it kind of makes sense. My dad once saw a hypnotherapist and something he talked about was being before he was born and deciding who his parents were going to be. It was interesting how he described it and it really did make a lot of sense. Today, I heard my friend and teacher, Carol, talk about it in class today about how she feels that this idea is correct. She told us of how she must have chosen her parents for the lessons they would teach her. The way she talked about it really made me feel like it must be true.

Still, the issue I came across was why I would have chosen my parents. In both my dad and Carol's cases, I could see why it was that they would have chosen their parents, but I think about my own parents and it's much more difficult for me to see it. Sure, I learned a lot from my parents (they've only been raising me for the past 17 years) but for me to think of something specifically about them that would make me choose them out of any other couple on the planet, that was significantly more difficult.

I am a firm believer in an afterlife. My vision of it consists of the planes described in the novel What Dreams May Come, by Richard Matheson (yes, the book. The movie was good, but I'm talking about the book here. Very different). I also believe in reincarnation. I feel that between lives we spend time in the spiritual planes learning and growing as souls, so that when we come back again we main gain even more insight then the life before. During this time between physical lives I can see us discussing, talking, thinking, and sharing ideas for who we will be and who we will become in the next life. If we do that, it would only make sense that we could decide who are parents are and for different reasons. But I still am not sure why I would have chosen mine. Maybe I didn't choose them, maybe they chose me.

I've been told by my mom that I've taught her a lot, and that the biggest thing she's learned from me is how to lighten up. My mom used to be really up tight and stressed out. She was OCD about cleaning and neatness. It's only been recently that she's been able to take a step back in life and mellow out. She doesn't feel guilty anymore for taking an indulgent moment for herself. She doesn't take everything quite so personally, and I'd say she's much more pleasant to live with. She says it's because of me. So that leads me to wonder if maybe she was the one who chose me, rather than the other way around. What if she chose me because she wanted to learn how to relax and live life a little and she knew I could teach her? Or, what if she wanted someone to teach her and others in the spiritual realm assigned me to her, to help her grow?

Another idea, what if I was chosen to be with my parents by other spiritual beings? What if I was assigned to my parents to be a teacher to them? What if I was sent to them so that I would be presented with more opportunities to bring me closer to my purpose in life? And there we find ourselves in a completely different realm: Life Purpose. The question that puzzles us all, why are we here and what is our purpose? Maybe we know in between lives and we have to be able to find it and live it in the physical plane.

For me, I've been getting a growing sense of what my purpose is. I feel that I am to teach others about being complete with themselves. I think I am supposed to be here to help people learn to heal and grow spiritually so that they may achieve a higher spiritual level of well-being. This is all a theory, but the more time I've spent considering it the more likely it seems. Still, I need to think about that some more. But let's say that this was my purpose in life. If it was, I would have chosen my parents for the opportunities they provided me with. Without them, I wouldn't have learned about keeping an open mind and growing. I wouldn't have had the freedom to explore what I believe, what I feel, and what I think about life, love, religion, philosophy, etc. This all seems very probable. So maybe that's why I'm here and why I am who I am and why I know the people I know.

Anyway, I know it sounds like a crazy idea, to be the one to decide who your parents are, rather than having no control at all. Still, you should think about it. What if you did choose who your parents were? Why would you have chosen them? Even if they seemed bad, what about them made you who you are? It doesn't hurt to think about it, even just a little bit.


*Albuquerque Center for Spiritual Living
-Officially we are a church but we are very different from your average church. Basically what we teach is a philosophy on how to live life to your benefit. We're very open-minded and we accept everyone. We're just happy people.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

New Hair

Okay, yeah, I know, really shallow topic. Hey, a girl's allowed to have her shallow, superficial moments every once and a while, can't she? Anyway, I got my hair cut today and it looks freakin' fantastic!!! I love it!! Man, I didn't think I would, and at first I thought I was doing a bad job, but the longer I'm living with it the better and better I like it. Ah, great stuff =] When I have a picture I will add it up.

On a side note: I appear to be failing at posting every day. I know, I know. I'm not just failing. I'm failing epically. In copious amounts. My three favorite words, failure, epic, and copious (don't ask me why they're my favorites, they just are), my favorite sentence to utilize all three, and it applies to me. I just failed epically in copious amounts. I know. I'm going to try. Life is just...insane. I'm doing my best. Keep up the support.

Monday, August 4, 2008


I'm not sure if I mentioned it on here, but this year I was supposed to be on the ENMU spirit squad (dancing portion). Well, today I decided that it's not going to happen. This is for a lot of reasons, but my main reason is that I feel that I am going to be too overwhelmed with the time dance takes to be able to focus on school. My plan is to wait a year and see how it goes, and hopefully I will be able to do dance in the 2009-2010 school year. I'm sad about not dancing, but also happy at the same time. It's a huge weight off of my shoulders and hey, if all goes well I will be dancing again next year. The only thing I need to worry about is making sure that I can stay in shape and keep my flexibility. Shouldn't be too hard, but we'll see. I'm determined that I want my flexibility, so I'm going to make sure I don't lose that one. Only issue is endurance, I guess. I can already feel that one fading. Crap.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008


Well, I am leaving for school in about a week and a half. I'm actually starting to freak out a little bit. I'm going to school four hours away from home. I've been far from home multiple times. Hell, I went to Australia and New Zealand for three weeks when I was 15 without the accompaniment of my parents. I've been to nationals three times for dance (twice in Vegas, once in Orlando). I've been to dance and church camp for about a week each (dance three times, church twice). All of this started after my sixth grade year. So yes, I am used to being away from home, but this is the first time where it's more of a permanence. My parents are just a phone call away, but I'm about to turn 18 and I'm living else-where. I don't have coaches or leaders or advisers following me everywhere monitoring my time 24/7 this time. It's all me. I have to be an adult. And I am scared shitless.

Friday, July 25, 2008


Have you ever taken a look around you and realized just how difficult relationships are? I'm not even talking about a relationship in the "love" sort of way where a person has a partner that they care for inexplicably; no, I'm talking about your day to day relationships. Everyone has them whether they want to or not. Relationships are everywhere, with your boss, your coworkers, your classmates, your neighbors, your friends, your family, and yes, lovers, too. It's in all these relationships that I'm talking about. They're just so difficult!!

Relationship Number One: Family

Face it, it's difficult. We all know that. It starts from the time that we are conceived. Really, there's nothing more basic then our relationship with family. Family is difficult. Why? You can't get rid of them (technically you can but please don't fight me on this one). Family is always there. You are related by blood, so you can't sever yourself from them.

Parents are an excellent example. Dealing with them is trying, to say the least. Trust me, I know. I've spent seventeen years of life living in their house with them. I see them almost every day. Usually we get along great, but as with everyone, there are times where we are quite hostile towards one another. The thing with parents is that you have to find a balance in the middle in order to deal with them. You have to give and they have to give. But then again, isn't that true in any relationship? We all have to give if we want the relationship to remain healthy.

Extended family can be a pain in the ass. Let's face it, we've probably all got at least one relative that we think of in a negative light. We try not to be with them too much and when we are, it's never a pleasant experience. Usually we don't want that relative to know what we really think, though, so we pretend as if we all love each other. Oi. (Honesty would be nice but then again, we sort of don't want to hurt other's feelings so we spare them the truth they don't need to know. We disgust me, but I know I'm the same so I can't go on for too long on that.)

Let's face it: family is the one relationship web that will always exist. Sure, it changes, some people leave, some people join, but most everyone stays put. Even if we try to ignore our family, the family still knows we exist and we still know that the family exists. If you saw another family member randomly one day there's still the relationship between you. Granted, I never said anything about it being positive, but it doesn't change the fact that it still exists. Family is the one relationship you can't erase. I'd say this makes a pretty difficult relationship to maintain, wouldn't you agree?

Relationship Number Two: Friends


Yes, friendship.

So freakin' difficult it's disgusting. Why? Well, we aren't born with friends. We have to make them. You meet people, you interact with them, and if you like them, you usually try to stay around them. This is how friendship begins. Still, it's not as easy as that. We all understand the difficulty of making friends. Only thing is, making friends is the easy part. I know, it's not easy, but when you compare it to the next thing, it really is.

What's harder than making friends? Keeping them. Yup. Keeping your friends is harder than making them. Believe me, that's the truth. Why is it harder? Simple. If you don't keep up with the relationship, keep giving to it, you lose it. Sucks, I know, but that's the cold, hard, vicious, brutal truth of the matter. Let's say you have a best friend that you ignore for two months. When you see them again, it's not going to be the same. That friend may be resentful, or hurt. You probably lost that friend.

What's so obnoxious, though, is that friends are the people that we take advantage of the most. We always assume that are friends are still going to be our friends the next day. We always assume that we don't need to worry about our friends because hell, they're our friend. They wouldn't just leave us. At least, that's what we assume.

But remember when you're on the other side. You're the friend who's being forgotten. It sucks, right? Trust me, I know. If you haven't been there, try to picture it. Not the greatest, and when the friend comes running back to you it only pisses you off. So yeah, friendships are difficult. But they aren't the hardest.

Relationship Number Three: Significant Others

We all understand this one; it doesn't need explaining on the difficulties. So we will go with my issues right now. I really like this guy. I mean really like this guy. He's been my friend for the past four years and he's pretty awesome. He makes me laugh, makes me feel better when I'm down, and he's always interesting to talk to. Problem: He's staying in Albuquerque and I am moving to Portales in two weeks, meaning that we can't be together. It sucks because I feel like he's leading me on and that he likes me back but we can't do crap about it because I'm moving. It sucks. I have no idea what to do. I've only had two boyfriends in my life, and so I have limited experience in this field. If you have any ideas or any knowledge in this region that you want to share, go for it. I'm dying to know =]

Monday, July 21, 2008

10 Things I Learned While Away

1. You know you've hit an all-time low when you find yourself peeing next to a plant that between the back of a gas station and an air conditioner that's in the middle of nowhere in Texas.

2. Texas drivers are worse than New Mexicans.

3. Something strange is happening when you find a field with about 12 camels in it in the middle of Texas.

4. When driving through bug-infested locations, the bugs not only smash against the windshield, they also get stuck in the windshield whippers.

5. "Rush Hour" traffic in Albuquerque is nothing.

6. People in Louisiana can't drive.

7. Don't pick a fight with the ocean, you'll always lose.

8. Being on the beach between 11 and 2 is a bad idea, you fry.

9. Re-doing sunscreen is a smart plan.

10. The ocean floor is like cement; when a wave pummels your face into the ground the way a bully does, your face still looks the same.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

I'm Home!!

I have some stuff that I can blog about, however right now I am totally beat. I don't know how long I can stay awake. I've been sort-of running for the last 36 hours, so I'm feeling a bit out of it. Hopefully I'll post something tomorrow. Keep looking. =]

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Just a Reminder

I'm leaving for Florida this afternoon and I will be gone for at least ten days. That means no new posts because I'm not going to have access to a computer. I'll be thinking up topics to post and everything for when I get back, but just know that this is my last post before I leave. Don't worry, I will put up pictures (at least a few) and tell you how the trip went when I get back. In the meantime, read up and comment back. I love feedback. Also, if you have an idea for what to talk about, send it to me at I'd love to hear from you!!

See you in ten days!!



Last night I was thinking of silence. Yeah, we all know it. Most of us hate it. I, personally, love it. Usually.

I know people don't like it, but my main question is why? Why is it that we hate silence? I mean honestly, are we all that addicted to noise? Here's my theory on it. We, as people, are social animals. When it is silent, it is usually because no one is around. That leads me to think that maybe we all hate silence because it is like a slap in the face that's saying, "Hey! Guess what! You're all alone with no one to talk to, and maybe no one likes you. That's why it's so quiet!!!" Yeah, I know. Silly, but still. It makes sense. If you hate to be alone then silence is a constant reminder of that fact. Logically, you wouldn't like something that made you remember the fact that you are alone. Especially for those who got out of really long relationships. Trust me, I know. I've been there. I was with my first boyfriend for two years and when we broke up it was one of the hardest things being reminded that I was alone. So, I'd say that this theory is viable.

Then I guess is the silence that happens when you're with people. What I don't get is this. Why is it always "awkward"? Honestly, if you're with any person or group of people and suddenly there's a lull in the conversation, why do people always say "awkward silence"? It's only awkward if you were talking about some sort of sexual theme or uncomfortable topic or something and someone just made a statement that no one could comment to. Most silence that occurs when interacting with people is just that, silence. Silence is a cease of all noise. Yes, you can hear silence. No, silence is not something to be feared, something bad, or something to be uncomfortable with.

I personally love silence. At least, most of the time. What started this whole blog in the first place is that last night I was craving silence. It doesn't happen for me all the time, but when I want it, there's nothing better. For me, silence is sort of comforting. When people say that you can feel the silence pressing in on you, I actually like that feeling. It gives me a sense of comfort. At this moment in time, I can't tell you exactly every reason I have for loving silence or why it is that I crave it sometimes. What I can tell you is that it happens and I'm still searching for an answer. My question to you now stands: why do you feel uncomfortable in silence? What is it about the silence that you have a problem with? Think about it.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

College Excitement

Over the weekend I got some most welcome news (yeah, I know, I'm telling you about it a few days late but I just now thought about talking about it). On Saturday night I finally got my dorm assignment and I found out who my roommate is. I know I turned in my application for a dorm room really late, but it took them only a week to get me my schedule yet a month for a dorm. Oh well. I can't really complain. At least I have a place to live this upcoming year. That's one less thing I need to worry about. I really was freaking out about what I was going to do about living next year. I was concerned that maybe I had turned in my application too late and so I wouldn't get a room or something. Silly notion, I know, but it was still there. Well, now all my qualms have been eased and I feel much better. All that's left to do is sell posters for dance team, fill out the NCAA packet, and get everything I need packed and ready to go.


Just so you all know, I won't be writing for about a week and a half. Reason: I'm going to Florida!!!

Unexpected, to be sure, but welcomed nonetheless. Originally my cousin and I were trying to plan a trip out to Washington but we decided that going this year was not in our best interest, but her family is going out to Florida and they invited me to come along. We are leaving on Thursday, so I might be able to get a post in earlier in the day (assuming that I'm at home doing nothing thus giving me the time and motivation to type something) but after that it will be at least a week before I post again. Still, it could almost be two weeks, it just depends on when we get back. We're driving there and back so it all depends on our driving abilities, road conditions, weather, and traffic.

I'm supper excited; I love road trips and driving from New Mexico to Florida certainly fulfills my need. I get to help drive (=D I'm so excited; I love driving) and we get to head out later in the day! We're staying at a time share there that's right next to the beach, so I get to frolic in the ocean all day every day for a week. I am pumped!! I used to make this trip when I was younger, but the only one I can vaguely remember is when I was five. My parents didn't like going so I couldn't go until a couple years ago (which was a blast) and now I get to go again this year. I am excited!!!

My apologies that I won't be writing, but I will be thinking of you and sending love. I'll take some pictures, too. =]

Monday, July 7, 2008

New Experience

Today for the first time ever I got on the roof of a house. Okay, not just any house, it was actually my house, so no worries there. I got to admit, it was really nice. Why? Well, let's put it this way, it was a mind opener.

While I was on the roof, the sun was slowly going down meaning that it was cooling off outside, there was a really nice breeze, and over-all just being outside left me in this serene state of mind. The breeze just helped to clear my head and really helped with a creative burst. I was with my sister and we got to talking about life and such and it was nice. I feel very peaceful right now. Generally speaking, I freak out about getting some place high, but once I'm there I love it. If you are similar or you have no idea, give it a try. It's really nice.

Life Update

Okay, so I've been failing a little bit on writing every day. Why? Because I was busy living. I know, novel concept. So what have I been up to?

July 4, 2008

Here's what happened. In the afternoon I picked up a couple of my friends (Savina and Jasmine) to go over to another friend's house (Sarah) so that we could get the day started. We got over to Sarah's house and then we started getting ready for another one of our friend's (Doug) Fourth of July party to be held at his house (within easy walking distance of Sarah's, thus we met there). We went in search of party decorations and food to contribute to Doug's and after gathering all that we needed, we headed over early to help set up. Well, an hour later people started to arrive. People from around the neighborhood as well as Doug's friends all showed up to celebrate our nation's independence. Sarah was getting sick so it was fun to watch her get a bit loopy on the medicine she was taking. We all just sat around, talked, and ate good food (made courtesy of neighborhood friends as well as the grill workage of Doug and Abe) while we waited for the darkness. Yes we, like many others in the city of Albuquerque, had a multitude of fireworks to be our evening's entertainment. So, once it was dark, the fun began. Let me just say that by the time the night was coming to a close, we had set off over $300 worth of fireworks or more with about another $300 worth left (we had to cut our celebrations short because some people in the neighborhood really did want to get some sleep that night). More friends had shown up while we were launching fireworks and overall we had a really good time. Most everyone was gone by midnight and I decided for the benefit of Savina and Sarah that we take off too. That night, the three of us had a sleep-over of much enjoyment and in the morning pancakes and tea served us well.

July 5, 2008

After sleeping in and whatnot as well as chillaxing at Sarah's, I headed home to do a little bit of cleaning, but mostly read this phenomenal book that I had bought the day before :The Host, by Stephenie Meyer. I didn't finish it, but I did greatly enjoy the chapters that I got to read. Later in the day I got to head over to my friend Jarrod's house and hang out there with an accumulation of people. There was running through the rain (I was also doing a rain dance in my head), drinking lots of soda, making mac n' cheese and cupcakes, and the brilliant film viewage of The Chronicles of Riddick. Great times. There was even a little bit of fireworks at the end.

July 6, 2008

There was church, and there was reading. Yeah, I finished The Host. It was FANTASTIC. So good. Go read it. If you are yet unenlightened about the brilliant mind of Stephenie Meyer, go educate yourself. I don't care how old you are, where you live, what gender you are, anything about you, all I know is that she is great and everyone I know who's read her work is equally impressed. So go read. Now.

Also, my mom has been in Europe for the past three weeks and she came home today. Good stuff. The relationship with my sister and I towards my dad was becoming...strained. Let's just say we're all glad that mom is home now.


Well, this brings me to the present. I'm writing now mainly because I've been itching to "talk" to someone, even if it is only posting in a blog. This isn't all I wanted to post, and it probably won't be the limit for the day, but I thought we should clear up why it is that I haven't been posting in the past few days. So there you have it. =]

Sunday, July 6, 2008


My Introduction to Death and Destruction

For those of you lucky enough to not get migraines, feel blessed.

So right now I feel like bitching about migraines in a blog, mainly because I have one right now and it feels like the stomach flu and I'm ready to rip out my entire digestive system.

How Can You Tell I'm Getting a Migraine?

Alright, so I know that migraines can be different for each and every person, but this is about me. So that all of you know, I get migraines. How can you tell when I have a migraine?

1. I look like crap and like I'm about to fall asleep

2. I tell you I'm nauseous.

3. I have a hard time functioning on a most basic level

4. I am easily aggitated.

5. I am highly sensitive to light and sound

Causes of My Migraines

Okay, so they don't always happen at the same time, but usually they do. Now, I don't know about other people, but let me tell you what gives me migraines.

1. Not enough sleep.

2. Not enough food.

3. Working too long.

4. Not taking enough time for me to do what I need to do in order for basic survival and human function.

5. Sleeping on the right side of my body.


Okay, so if I get these migraines all the time then you would think that I would have developed a means of getting rid of them. Alright, so I do to some extent, but there's only so much I can do.

1. Take a pill (Ibuprofen, Aspirin, Tylenol, etc (damn I can't spell med names))

Alright, here's the problem with this one. Unless I take a pill right after the very first sign of a headache, and I take about 5 pills in one go, it doesn't work. I hate taking pills and I feel that my body will be stronger if I don't rely on them. Because this only works if I take it when the headache is small, I'd be taking pills all the time. Also, I have to take 5 pills at one time, and to do that for every headache would just be stupid. So, I rarely use this.

2. Go to sleep.

If I can tell that this headache is starting to develop into a migraine, I try to go to sleep if at all possible. The problem is that I usually don't have the freedom to go to sleep around the time that I would need to in order to effectively put an end to the growing migraine. Usually I'm out doing stuff (dancing, school, hanging out with friends, etc). Going to sleep is always great, it helps the migraine go away. After I go to sleep I wake up feeling instantly better. The only thing is, after a certain point, it doesn't matter how much I need to go to sleep, other stuff needs to happen before I can.
Another problem is if the migraine was caused from sleep. If I sleep on the right side of my body, it drains my system of food. My stomach needs food in it at night and without it, I get sick. That's what this migraine is from, sleeping on the wrong side of my body. Now I have puked three times and it's three in the morning. If I was sleeping, I wake up in the middle of the night and I have to throw up before I can go back to sleep but I still have to eat something before I do (see below for predicament toward eating).

3. Eat something.

Seeing as how this is one of the key factors to me getting a migraine, it would make sense that it would also be a way to help get rid of one. However the thing with eating is that it only helps with the nausea. If I am getting a migraine due to lack of food, it works. Still, I'm not usually lucky enough for this. My migraines are usually a cause of lack of food AND sleep. If I'm really tired, I have to consume ridiculous amounts of food to keep going, and usually it's best to just go to sleep. So eating something is not really that effective in helping with a migraine.

4. Tough it out.

I'm not usually lucky enough to get it to stop soon enough. What happens? As much as I would love to go to sleep or eat something or both, I can't. Why? Because after a certain point, my body pretty much goes into survival mode. I get painfully nauseous and over-tired and there's nothing I can do about it. I have a painful headache, I feel like death itself, and I would just love to put an end to it somehow just to end the misery.
When I have to tough it out, I usually have a killer headache, am really tired (usually the cause of the headache), feel like I'm starving, and yet I feel like all my guts are about to come gushing out of my mouth because I feel so sick (thus all the signs from above).
What ends of being the case if I'm "toughing it out" is that I have to throw up or else I can't function.

5. Make myself throw up.

This is a last resort, yet, it's been increasing in the frequency I've needed to use it. I swear, I'm going to have some serious issues latter on in life with my trachea if this keeps up. Right now I've puked three times in the past hour from this f-ing migraine and I can't get the burn out of my that. Oi. It doesn't help that some vomit got stuck in my nose so now that burns, too, and smells disgusting.
Anyway, back to throwing up. So usually, after this, I feel relieved and I can go to sleep and in the morning I feel so much better.
Problem with this? It's like bulimia, because I have to make myself throw up. It wouldn't be a problem except that I've been getting migraines more and more often where this is what it comes to. Also, on rare occasions I get times like tonight where I throw up multiple times. It sucks, because in these times, making yourself puke up everything doesn't work once, it has to happen three+ times to have any effect.
Another bad side effect: if the cause of the migraine was based around a lack of food, think of how throwing up affects your stomach? Yeah, it empties it of everything. If I needed food, I needed to hang on to everything in there. Now my stomach has even less food than before, but hey, at least I'm feeling better.

The After-Effect

Okay, so let's say that it gets to the end, where I puke. What next? Well, here's how it goes. Now begins a careful balancing act. When you puke, you know that if you eat or drink anything, you will again. Same thing for me. Now if my migraine is focused around hunger and a lack of food, throwing up can start it all over again if I don't get food into my system A.S.A.P. So what do you do? You balance eating with not eating. Right after I throw up, there's a period of time where if I eat, I will throw up again, however if I don't eat, I will have to throw up again later because the entire migraine problem will have started all over. Also, if I need sleep (which usually happens along with hunger) it becomes a question of:

1. When do you eat?

2. How much do you eat?

3. What do you eat?

4. Do you drink anything?

5. How fast do you eat?

6. How soon after eating can you go to sleep and be okay when you wake up?

The biggest issues with migraines is that if you don't deal with it soon enough the end solution (sleep) will only make it work if you try it too early. So now you juggle the fact that you're sick, hungry, and tired and try to make it so that you don't die in the process. I swear, it's an art form keeping myself alive. It's horrible. And if you fuck it up in the process you get to start all over and spend another few hours doing it all over. It sucks.


Alright, well, my apologies for my rant. If this thoroughly disgusted you, I'm sorry. Thanks for reading, though. Seeing as how I get migraines a lot, maybe this will help you get what I go through and why it sucks so much and how, despite how shitty I look on the outside, I always feel about a hundred times worse on the inside. Despite how short this sounded (lol, I don't know if it sounded short or not), the truth is, migraines can start for me mid-afternoon and by the time I'm able to go to sleep it's about 8 or 9 hours after I needed to. I have even had a migraine that started at about 4 in the afternoon and I wasn't able to throw up and go to sleep until about 6 the next morning. Migraines suck really bad, and if you don't get them, feel blessed.

Thursday, July 3, 2008


So it's summer break. I don't have a job, I'm lazy, and I haven't been motivated enough to put together a gathering with my friends (despite my bordom). So what did I decide to do? Clean my room. Yes, I am a fairly messy teen. I can't help it. Still, if truth be told, I actually like things clean (despite the clutter that seems to follow me everywhere).

Today I gathered all the clothes off my floor, put the dirty ones in the hamper, put the clean ones where they're supposed to be, cleaned off my futon, and made my bed. Shockingly enough, that was most of the grime found in my room. While cleaning, however, I was going through a lot of paper material (that's what was all over the futon) and it made me kind of think about life.

I collect just about everything. Why? Because I have a hard time throwing stuff away. Most of my paper clutter goes back years. Luckily today it's only gone back a couple of months but it really made me remember. A lot of my paper had poems on it that I've written over time.

(Something you should know about me and my poems is that the poems reflect my general outlook on life. If a lot of them are centered around myself and are depressing, I'm depressed. If they are on random, cheerful topics, I'm feeling pretty good about life. If they're on some serious subject but the I isn't referring to myself (like when I write a poem from a rapist or an alcoholic's point of view, which, by the way, I have done) then it usually means that I'm just feeling curious about life and what it's like for people other than myself. So when I see poems that I've written in the past, it reminds me a lot about events that were taking place in my life, how I was feeling towards them, and all the memories that are associated with that poem. I see my poems and it brings back wave after wave of memory and emotion. Sometimes I can't re-read poems I wrote a year or two ago because the memories and emotions are too strong and too painful.)

So I'm looking through the poems and going through and I realize just how much junk I have. I look at all the stuff I've accumulated over time and realize just how pointless this stuff is. If I only held onto the stuff that was most essential to my existence, then I probably wouldn't have much. Alas, I am a pack rat, so that's not so easy for me to do. Then it made me realize how so many other people have similar issues. We all have to go through our crap in our rooms (or homes if you have them) and occasionally clean out all the unnecessary gunk clogging up our space. And it was with that thought that I realized that we all have to do the same with our lives.

We all like the comforts of routine to our life. A routine gives it stability. The routine makes us feel safe and comfortable in our environment and in our lives because it is the routine that gives us something familiar. A break from that routine leaves us shaken or scared. Something that forces us out of that routine leaves us feeling blind and naked in the middle of the busiest place in the world. But how can we ever really live and enjoy life if we can't break from the routine? Every now and then life forces us to move, to break, to change, whether or not we actually want it or accept it. But what if we cleaned our lives like we clean our living spaces? If we did that, maybe the abrupt changes wouldn't be so abrupt. If we take a look at our lives every once and a while and just cleaned up everything that was unnecessary or holding us back, imagine how much we could do, how far we could go, how much we could achieve! The possibilities are endless.

So this was my thought that I chose to share with you, my readers. Life, our lives specifically, is something that we should keep in touch with. Why do we all let our lives drive us rather than being the directors ourselves? If we keep in touch with our lives, keep in touch with reality, "clean out the clutter", imagine the possibilities. It's your life, be the engineer and steer it in the direction you want it to go.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

New Discoveries

I'm a fairly open person. At least, I like to think of myself as such. This being said, I always like to discover new things. That leads me to my new discoveries.

Discovery number 1:

I watched the movie I Know Who Killed Me and I actually liked it. I thought the ending could have been a bit better, but still, it was a good movie. What I wasn't prepared for was the graphic violence. For that, I put it into the same category as Silence of the Lambs. I freaked out while watching this movie mainly because I wasn't mentally prepared for it. I just wanted to have some forewarning that it was going to end up that way. Well, if you haven't seen it and are planning to, you have been forewarned.

Discover number 2:

My second discovery was the movie Pulse. I jumped a lot at it. I wasn't really scared, but again, it made me jump. I liked the story line. The end was a bit random but not too bad. The movie itself (after watching it) reminded me a lot of the storyline for Stephen King's novel, Cell. Different stories, but a bit similar in idea. It was good stuff, very entertaining. I was on the edge of my seat till the end.

Discovery number 3:

Today I discovered this awesome industrial band from Russia, Noise Angels Machine. Holy cow, these guys are good! Go check out their Myspace page at It's really awesome. Go listen =]


Well, that about covers it for discoveries, at least, for now. As I discover more books, music, or movies, I will be sure to post it. Anyway, that's about all there is in life right now. There's no serious debates or thoughts. Actually, I've been on the verge of a migraine all day so I've been a bit zombie-like. It's severely agitating. Such a waste of a perfectly good day. Oi. Anyhowzers, have a good day =]

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Leaving for College

So I just had a huge shock yesterday. I realized that I leave for college in about six weeks. SIX WEEKS!!! I thought I had more time than that...
Here's why I'm freaking out:

1) I have to pack.

2) I know they have a list of what to pack...but I still don't know what all I should pack or when I should start.

3) I don't know how big my room is or what kind of furniture I'll have so I don't know how much I should bring.

4) I don't have a dorm assignment yet...I hope they get that to me soon.

5) I'm moving in a week before everyone else because of dance.

6) The day I move in is my sister's first day of school.

7) I'm not ready to move yet!

Six weeks is almost no time at all. I'm so painfully excited to be going to school, but I'm so nervous at the same time. I want to go, I totally do, but I'm scared to be on my own. I know no one at this school (except for the people that I sort of met on the spirit squad at tryouts about three months ago). It's small, but I'm a nervous wreck. I'm so excited that I could run around the world and back, but the nerves at how close this is are starting to get to me.

I get to study in the greatest field EVER. Forensic Biology. How many schools actually have a degree program in forensics? 20? It's not that many. I get to learn more about this kick ass subject. I get to leave home. I get the freedom to do what I want. I'll turn 18 while I'm there. I'm going to meet new people. I'm on dance team. I am going to have a blast. All of this is why I can't wait to go.

I'm nervous as hell. I'm going to be living alone. I don't have anyone there to sit there and parent me because *news flash* I'm going to be an adult. I'm going to a school full of adults with a bunch of hormonal people who are all excited about being away from home for the first time and take a look at their brand new freedom!! Not excited about that. Still, I'm going to a small school, so maybe it won't be as bad. Really, how much trouble can you get in to in Portales, New Mexico? My assumption is not too much. I mean honestly, what is there to do? Cow tipping? lol. Still, I'm nervous about being on my own and not knowing anyone. And the fact that it's so soon.

I guess right now I need to really focus on what I want to do with my last six weeks of life in Albuquerque. Oh boy.