Grad School?

Currently that's the issue I'm mulling over in my head. Do I want to go to grad school and get a master's in Forensics or do I want to go to law school. Luckily, there are a couple of schools where you can actually do both. Still, you have to be accepted into each program individually. Uhg. I've been looking at numerous grad schools, and after I get through those I'm probably going to start checking out law schools. Oi. If only I knew what to do with my life.

I'm finally done with recruitment and finally unsilenced. I can reassociate with Zeta, however it sucks because I work nights. This means that even though I can hang out with them and wear shirts and whatever else, I still can't really go to anything because I'm always working. FML. I guess that's what happens in the big kid world, you lose time to do fun things as you work your butt off to make ends meet. Sometimes I wish I wasn't growing up. Plus, no matter where I go for school in 2012, I'm going to be moving to a place I don't know (more likely than not) and being far from everyone and everything I know. Alright, the only schools in Forensics are basically on the coasts, and mostly in the northeast. If I moved there I'd be close to family I've never really known well, and if I moved to California I'd be really close to family I rarely see. If I go to Florida, well, there's no one there. Nore is there anyone in Michigan or Illinois. *Sigh* Life is hard.

The good thing is the stability and happiness that Chris gives me. Whenever I start to lose hope or get really down he's always there to pick me back up and remind me that I'm okay. No matter what I freak out about, from Zeta to being a hypochondriac (and all that comes with that) to school, to family, to life, he's always there to keep me sane. He loves me and supports me in all I do, and he's there for me. Always. I fucking love this guy.

Well, life is kicking my ass. I'm a student who's taking overtime in hours (full time max is 18, I'm doing 20), I'm working two jobs, I'm in many extracurricular activities, and I still manage to maintain a 3.3 GPA and a social life. I think I'm superwoman.

School Year '10-'11

Oi. Yup, it's started. Huzzah!! I've figured out that I only have three semesters left until I graduate with a double major. Sweet! Also, haven't yet decided what it is I'm going to do after school. A part of me wants to be a lawyer, and yet part of me thinks that's a bad idea. I don't know. Luckily, after I graduate I'm taking a semester off so hopefully I can figure out at least a few more steps of what I'm going to do after school. Oi.

As of now I am planning recruitment for all Women's Greek Organizations on campus. Woo! Also, planning a wedding, working, and going to school full time. Jeez mon'! Luckily I have amazing friends, like Lish, who are there all along the way. And what would I do without Chris? He really is my rock. He's the resounding figure that's pushing me to get through school, to not give up when things get tough, and my shoulder to cry on when it feels like everything is falling apart. And that's part of why I'm marrying him.

I really need to clean my house, though. It's stressing me out because it's so dirty, and the cats are throwing a fit that we haven't cleaned the litter box in a while. Ew. I'm still debating on whether or not to clean after I post this. I've been feeling sick all day, but honestly, maybe it's in part due to the state of my house right now. Gah, if only I had a washer and drier. I was so close, too! Well, we'll see what happens. Maybe I'll wash a few dishes then go to sleep. I've done some homework today, so I'm feeling pretty decent. Worked tonight, did well, missed a class because I almost passed out and threw up everywhere, but overall I'm feeling okay at this point. Just tired. So maybe all I'll do is some dishes. And maybe the litter box. Or I'll have Chris do it when he gets home.

Bridesmaid Tales

You know, I am not the most knowledgeable individual when it comes to weddings and bridesmaids and duties and such. I haven't been to many weddings, and in the ones I have gone to I have never had more of a duty than to just go and support the bride and groom. Well, one of my best friends is getting married in January and I am a bridesmaid. I'm stoked, don't get me wrong, but let's just say that until she asked I didn't even know that bridesmaids did anything other than look pretty on the wedding day and be at all wedding-related functions. Who knew that they help plan bridal showers (which I never knew existed), plan the bachelorette party, and help the bride with everything? Not me, that's for sure. And she told me that the MOH (Maid of Honor) isn't planning any bridal showers and she needs about three. So I was kind of thinking of helping her out and planning them myself, but I have no idea how to do it, where to get started or anything like that. I've read that you can enlist the help of the other bridesmaids as well, which I might do. Only two of them are here with me, though. The MOH is back in Lish's hometown, one is in Cruces, and the other one is in Raton. Oi. Anyway, I want to do a good job and make up for last semester being a crappy friend. I guess I'll figure this out one way or another.

Home

Well, Albuquerque home at least. I'm back a day later than originally intended because of too much snow and road closures. In New Mexico. Weird, I know. The weird thing about being in my room is how much it doesn't feel like my room anymore. Most things here aren't the same as they were when I lived here. I've taken all the posters from here. While there are a few things left on the walls they are mostly bare. Most of my furniture is still here, but not all of it. I look around the room and remember how it used to be my sanctuary. It was the one place I could truly escape. It was the one place I could truly call my own, where nothing could hurt me. I look around and I know now that it is just a place. Old memories linger in the air. I've had this room for eight years now. That is eight years of memories hanging. So much has happened in those eight years. I moved in during the spring break of my sixth grade year. Now I'm in my second year away at college. So much happened. So much changed. So much of me changed. I'm not the same little eleven year old girl I was who first looked into this room with wonder as I got to experience moving for the first time. Yeah, I'd moved before, but this was the first time I'd gotten to pack boxes, change locations, unpack, design the setup of my own room, and decide what I wanted. I've watched this room grow and change as I have. It went from a minty green to a sapphire blue when all I wanted was for my walls to be black. It went from happy and innocent to troubled and angsty teen. It went through suicidal me, happy me. It saw me at my best, it's seen me at my worst. And yet, all it is is a room. It has no feelings, no emotions. It can't understand what it means to me, and now, after being at school, that's all I can see it as. It's just a room, a room that used to be my sanctuary. But it's no longer mine. My stuff resides here, but they are just material objects that have little connection to me and my current life. And I realize that I have no place now that serves the same function as this room did. I have nothing in my life now that provides the same comfort. The closest I have is Chris, and yet relationships are always shaky in my mind for none of mine seem to last. I've been told I'm loved and that they will never leave by too many people, and all have broken me and left. It's hard to trust a person, give them everything after so many have taken it all then thrown it in your face after cracking it a bit more. It's hard to believe when they say they will never leave. Buildings are strong. They rarely fail. They don't give up. But it is just a building. A building can't love you back, and that's why I care so much more for a person than I will ever care for a room that held me, a cold and lonely child lost in the dark of this world. Now I stand with another's hand in mine and we walk through the dark with our heads held high knowing that wherever we go, we go together. Yeah I'm "home" in the comfort of an old companion, but it's a companion that has aged beyond its ability to love me back. My true companion, my true support, is found in another person, and it is through his support that I travel now.

Magical Lubbock Adventure

Woot! I ran away to Lubbock, TX yesterday (uhg Texas sucks, I know, I'm painfully aware of that) and I had a blast with my ZTA little sister, Alex, and my adopted ZTA big sister, Petra. It was loads of fun! What I'm super jealous about, though, is how many Greeks Texas Tech has. Our campus has 5 established, one colonizing. Of those six, four are for guys. So that leaves two for girls. At Tech, it is ridiculous how many they have! I'm so jealous! Going to bigger schools makes me want to see what it's like to be Greek there rather than here. ENMU is one of the most anti-Greek schools you can have while still maintaining Greek life. Last year the administration tried to get all Greeks off campus because they blamed us for a high freshman dropout rate. Newsflash, it's because of Greeks that many freshman stay in college. I know a few of my sisters would have left a while ago if it wasn't for us. Also, we had to say what our classification was, what our G.P.A. was at, and what organizations we were in that aren't Greek. Let me just say that Greeks on our campus have higher G.P.A.s, fill in all years of schooling (yeah, there are even grad-students on campus who are Greek), and make up the majority of students involved on anything in campus. So, I think that's a score for Greeks. Anyway, sorry for ranting. My point is, we need more Greeks on campus. I think that it would greatly help the entire system here. We have two women's fraternities on campus. Two. It makes it a constant fight against the two of them, fighting for members, pushing against one another; I just think that it would help immensely if we had more women's fraternities on campus. Not only would it provide more options for girls here on campus to choose from, it would also help lessen the competition between the two already here. When there are more groups to choose from, more people belong to different groups, and Greek life thrives. Because the pressure isn't so high to get numbers, the groups would get along better. It wouldn't just be a show between which group is better. I honestly believe that our school would be better off if we added at least one more women's fraternity. I know that they've existed,so why not bring them back? I know that Alpha Chi Omega was once here. So ask them to recolonize. Or bring in Delta Delta Delta or Kappa Kappa Gamma or Kappa Alpha Theta or Alpha Phi. There are so many out there, so let's do it. It makes me happy to see strong Greek communities, and it sucks that ours isn't. I know it's getting better, it really is, but it could be so much more.

Anyway, off of the Greek rant. So Alex, Petra, and I went to Lubbock yesterday to pick up Alex's boyfriend who was flying in from Memphis. We went wandering around Lubbock for a few hours, ate food, and basically just hung out. At one point Alex and I ended up walking around Texas Tech just to see what it was like. We checked out one of their dorms and holy crap that thing is nice! I'm so envious!! If we had dorms like that I might be more willing to stay on campus. Still, I learned that Tech is a really pretty school, and I can see why a lot of people go there. Maybe I just missed out on that whole "college visit" thing because I never did that. I never went to other schools and looked around. So maybe I'm making up for it. We tried to talk to some members of the Zeta chapter over there but it failed (no one was home) so we had to move on, but it was still way fun. We also ran by Best Buy and got Petra a new laptop. And, while I was there, I found out that there is a very good potential that I might be getting one next weekend. Eek!!! Another bonus, I have enough money as of Friday to buy my bride's maid dress next weekend, so I am pretty stoked. Oh! I get to go home this weekend!! Yay!! This is the first time in two months that I get to leave here and go home! Holy crap!! I'm so excited!! Eek! I miss my sister so bad I want to jump her and tackle her and drive her insane because I miss her like crazy!

Alright, I should probably bring this nonsense to a close, because all it is is me going on and on with no sense of purpose and no direction. Oi. So anyway, long story short, I had a blast in Lubbock yesterday. And I am a proud member of the Greek family. Woot!

Thinking

So, recently the most thought provoking thing has come up and I have no idea what to make of it. Sam came back. Which isn't too surprising or anything because I was the one who started talking to him a little over a month ago. What's surprising is that he said he was sorry. For everything. That he was sorry for hurting me, sorry for leaving me the way he did, sorry for destroying my heart, sorry for being a dick, sorry for treating me like shit, sorry for not giving me the respect I deserve. And then he said he wanted to make it up to me and asked for a second chance. I don't know what to think.

For so long I was convinced he hated me, so convinced that he never loved me and that he just said he did. But when I think about it, I know it's not true. He says that he was as torn up about breaking up as I was, that he didn't even really know why we broke up because he didn't really want to either. We helped each other through so much. He was my best friend. I told him everything. He was always there for me. And yeah we had some bad times at the end but what couple doesn't when it's ending? For two years he was my life and I lost it all and it killed me, but now I have the possibility to get it back. The love of my life, the person I've cared for longer than I could care for myself, the person I never gave up on when everyone else did, the person who helped me through the darkest time of my life, I could have him back. So what's the problem, right?

Because it did end badly. There was some fucked up shit that happened. Stuff was said that was pretty hurtful. Weird shit happened. So what if that happens again? I've been doing well without him, so I could keep going, right? I knew at the time that we were better apart. And I told everyone I was better without him. And after some of the shit that happened between us that I told other people, well, they wouldn't be too pleased if we got back together.

Also, there's the people out here that I've been getting close to. Mel is awesome and I've been falling for him. But he doesn't feel the same. He is still in love with his ex and I know he can't feel for me until he moves past her. And sometimes I think I'd be better not worrying about him. But I still care for him way too much. Eustace is a super sweet guy and I know he cares about me, I just don't feel the same for him. I know he'd treat me well, but I don't deserve him and I care about him only as a friend. Chris, a.k.a. Monkey, is awesome and we get along great. I know he'd treat me well and I know he cares. I'm just having problems with feeling recently. With all my issues here, it's almost tempting to just drop it and go with what's easier back home, but at the same time I don't know if I can do it.

So I'm torn. Part of me is dying to go back to Sam because I still love him. Despite it being two years since we broke up. I still care about him and I can tell that he's different from who he used to be. Yeah, I'd have to deal with all the shit I'd get from a large portion of people if I did, but haven't I been doing that all semester with Mel and the Kappa Sigs? But then I'd have to leave behind people I care about here. And I don't know how easy it would be to just drop that. And I'd feel like such a selfish bitch. Uhg. I don't know what to do. So this is what I'm thinking about.

Coming Home

I moved back home from Portales on Saturday. I didn't realize that I had so much crap. Holy cow. The worst part is that a lot of it is stuff that I don't need while I'm at home, like first aid stuff, laundry detergent, sheets for beds of different sizes, food, etc. And, because I didn't have it here to begin with, finding a place to put it now is difficult. So I have come to the conclusion that it's time for another room emptying session where I get rid of more stuff. Only problem is I'm a pack rat and I hold on to sentimental stuff for ages. Bleh.

Life at home is...interesting. I get to see Chris pretty much every day (which is awesome), see friends I haven't seen in a while, and hang out with my sister. It's just being home that's....odd. I get the strangest feeling from my dad that I'm just someone who lives here that he really wishes wouldn't. I hate that feeling, like I'm being loathed for existing and costing him money. Oi. My mom says it's not like that at all, but it's still the feeling I get from him. Bleh.

Once again I'm into the predicament of finding a summer job. Only this summer, it's essential that I get one. Uhg. But who would want to hire someone for only two and a half months? Bleh. But I'm eighteen and that means that if I displeased parents in the slightest they can kick me out of the house and my life becomes that much more difficult. Still, my mom had a good point. It'd be better for my own sanity and mental well-being not to be in the house all day every day with my dad this summer. We'd be at each other's throats in a heartbeat. *shiver*

So right now, I've applied at Albertson's. Hopefully I can turn in an app to Starbucks and Wendy's today. My only issue is that I'm limited to places within walking distance from my house. Es no bueno, aye? Oh well. It means money and money means my life gets slightly simpler. And my parents will be off my back.

ECSTATIC

Holy cow, life has taken a turn for the most amazing adventure EVER. I'm so excited!! And I now have a list for why life is perfect.

1. Chris

He's so amazing, I have no idea how I've lived without him. Plus, I'm pretty sure that I would not ahve made it through the last couple of months if he hadn't been by my side the whole time reminding me that I could do it.

2. I got to take my Biology Lab final outside yesterday. And I think I aced it.

3. All three tests that I had today (Chemistry Lab final included) are over with, and I think I passed them all.

4. Two days left of classes and then it's just a week of finals.

5. Chris.

6. Bri is out of town for tonight so I have the room to myself.

7. I know where I'm living next year!!!

8. The room is mostly clean.

9. I can kick back and relax for the next couple of days.

10. Chris gets to pick me up and take me home next weekend!!!! XD

11. School is almost over.

12. Initiation for Zeta is on Friday. Then, nothing to worry about with them after this weekend.

13. My stress-filled life is about to be stress-free ^.^

14. I can sleep now if I felt like it.

15. Chris is just so freakin' amazing!!!!

So yes, life is great. And I am pumped. Yay!!! And I'm not pulling my hair out anymore over all the insanity that is/was filling my life. Yay!!!

Stressed

I'm stressed. But didn't we already review this? I'm trying, but life is crazy. I got a flier the other day for signs and symptoms of burnout and I had all of the above. Fun. I'm so ready for the semester to end. I have an appointment with my adviser tomorrow about my schedule for next semester, so that will be interesting. Bri and I are looking into getting a place off campus that we can live in next semester; that should be interesting. Hopefully we can get another roommate or two to live with us so that rent is cheaper. There's only two and a half weeks left of classes before finals and then we head home. I'm stoked. I have what classes I want to take next year all planned out. I am planning on taking a couple of classes over the summer to alleviate my case-load. I'm trying to get an internship with the Albuquerque Police Department. They haven't called me back, though. So I will aim for a job at Borders. I've been walking everywhere since I gave my car back to my parents last week (because of financial reasons) so on Sunday, for instance, Bri and I walked 6 miles to Sonic and back. It took us an hour round trip. Today I walked around three miles. I think we walked 8 miles to the cemetery and back the other day. I walk to the Zeta house. If I don't get more in shape because of this I'm going to be mildly agitated. I'm having weird body functions a.k.a. mood swings. Bleh. And I really just want the semester to be over. Uhg.

Life!

Life. Is. Crazy. But then again, who's life isn't? I've been crazy stressed out, on the edge of psychosis, struggling to stay alive, see friends, I'm head-over-heels in love, and somehow I'm still alive. I don't get it. After my meltdown on Monday, I spent substantial time on Tuesday trying to figure out what is stressing me out in life. Without finishing the list, I got up to 73 reasons. Again, I don't know how I'm not dead. I think it's Chris keeping me alive and giving me a reason to keep trying. All my friends say we're disgustingly adorable but I just don't care, actually. I love him too much to really pay attention to people and what they say. So for the remaining four weeks of school I'm going to continue trying just because of him. =]

Spring Break

Let's just say this: srping break did not feel like one week. It felt more as if I had just spent the last month back home. That's how freakin' spectacular it was.

Breaks. What to say about them? From one perspective, yeah, it could be a highly useful block of time when you have absolutely nothing that you have to do, no where you need to go. It's the perfect time to get caught up on everything in life that you've been neglecting. Perfect, right? I think so.

What have I been neglecting? Me. I'm sorry, but it's true. I've been so bogged down with life recently that air is always a nice little refreshing afterthought that never comes. The calm before the storm? It's long past, and the storm has yet to be over. But along comes a delightful little break that I can spend at home. One week back in my hometown with the people I love and doing anything I want. It's amazing.

So what happened over my break? Snow, rain, doctor visits, movies, lap tag, ice skating, dancing, singing, driving, cuddling, freezing, burning, fighting, sleeping. Win.

I left for home a day early because the eastern side of the state was under a winter weather alert for the whole week leading up to the Friday I had been intending on heading home. Luckily for me, I got home before the storm hit and the interstates closed. Win.

Weekend was great. I saw Chris for ample amounts of time, introduced him to the magic of lap tag, and received my first boquet of flowers ever.

During the week, I visited doctors about my breating issues. Turns out I have a deviated septum in my nose which then lead to me getting a cyst in one of my sinuses so over the summer I get to spend a good amount of time doing surgery and recovery. Fun. Haha. Right. *spark of sarcasm*

I actually got sick on Thursday night but I think I'm better now (I hope so at least). Chris made me tea and helped me sleep though and that right there was huge win. HUGE!! There was ample time for cuddling and hugging and loving and movie watching too. Oh, there was dinner with my parents, dinner with his parents, and lots of family get-to-know-one-another time. Woo! But his family is really cool so more wins!!

Ice skating pursued on Saturday. Yay! I haven't been skating since August so super treat right there. Phenominal food was also provided. Yay! Plus, Chris's brother and my sister are getting along well and that makes me happy.

Sunday I took off back here at school, but it's okay, because break was awesome. I'm totally refreshed and pumped about school again (which was definitely needed; all enthusiasm died a few weeks ago) and so now I'm ready to take on the world plus Chris is so amazing I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. *sigh* Life is just so amazing.

Relationships

I know, I'm talking about them again. But this time, it's not about mine.

So I'm growing up. Obviously. I'm eighteen. I'm in college. I have a lot of friends who are older than me. But something I'm not used to is the idea of marriage.

Individuals that I've met in college who are in their twenties, yes, I can understand the marriage factor. I've got plenty of those. It's not weird to me. I came back from break in January to learn that two of my Zeta sisters got engaged. Not that bad. But it's weird when the people I've known for a while are doing it.

I found out a couple days ago that one of my best friend's best friends got married last week. That was a shock. Crazy story to accompany that one but still. So now he's married. That was surprising.

On Saturday, one of my friends from high school that I've been friends with a minimum of four years got engaged. Holy Crap!!! Last time I checked, she was living in Paris far from here and no relationship whatsoever. Now she's engaged. I'm shocked.

But that's part of growing up, isn't it? First all the friends get into relationships (which was the weird thing I had to get used to last year and the year before). Now they're starting to get engaged. Eventually it'll be the marriages and then kids. Oi. We're getting old.

Relationships

You know what really sucks about relationships? When you care about a friend and they're in a bad relationship and won't leave. That sucks. Then you try to tell them they should leave, but they don't want to listen to you because they're so madly in love with the person who keeps hurting them. (This isn't physical abuse, so don't worry). But it's horrible. And it sucks, because I want to be there for her and get her out of the verbally abusive relationship because it reminds me so much of my past relationship but I can't get her out of it any faster than anyone could have gotten me out of mine. And it SUCKS!!!!

I've Been Failing Epically

I know, when do I ever write anymore? Do updates? Anything? Obviously, I haven't been. The reason is the mood swings. I know that I've been talking about them a lot, but the problem is that I still don't have meds for it. It's just really hard to go to class every day and do the work I need to do just to pass, let alone go above and beyond to type up a blog. But I'm trying. Hopefully I'll start getting meds in the next week. I hope.

So, new stuff. I'm leaving for Australia on Saturday!! It's amazing. I'll see my grandparents again and I'll be in the Land Down Under. Woot! My last day of finals is Wednesday, so I will be done soon. I get to go home and see my friends again; it'll be nice. Sarah and I will have a CRave (car rave) and it will be fun. We shall stand in a random parking lot late at night blasting music from our cars and dance in the parking lot and saying, "To Hell with the world!!". Good times =]

Surprising Weekend

So this weekend I went home for the 2008 Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta. For those of you who have no idea what in the world that is, basically it's over 800 hot air balloons all getting together for about 9 days to fly every morning. It's amazing. Anyway, I am friends with a balloon pilot who flies Fiesta and so I help crew. If you don't know what a balloon crew does, they are the ones who help set up the balloon, fill it with air, and get it into the air. Then they chase the balloon with the pilot inside and when the balloon comes down, the crew is there to catch them and help bring the balloon down. It's sooo much fun. Thus, this weekend I decided to enjoy my time and go crew. It was good stuff. So here's what made it weird.

I was introduced to my pilot, John, by my ex-boyfriend, Sam. Sam has been crewing for John for at least 11 years (I think). Well, his parents aren't really crewing much these days and he lacks a car, so he wouldn't be able to crew Fiesta this year unless he had a ride. Last year I was his ride, but since we broke up this past January, we hadn't really talked that much and I was under the impression that he pretty much hated me with a fiery passion. Still, Fiesta is the BIGGEST time for crewing, and definitely the most fun. Because I wouldn't have had the opportunity to ever go to Fiesta, let alone crew it without having had Sam in my life, I figured it was only appropriate for me to ask if he wanted to go as well during the one weekend I was going to be there for it. So I called him up about two weeks before Fiesta to ask if he wanted to go. He was kind of busy so he said to call him later. During the week leading up to Fiesta, I called him again and we decided that he was going to come with me and crew that weekend. It was weird because he talked to me like we'd been friends for the past nine months rather than on a non-speaking basis. That Friday last week we arranged what time I'd be coming to get him and when we'd be meeting up and all those finer details. So at 4:15 a.m. on Saturday morning I showed up at his house and we went to crew Fiesta.

It wasn't bad, actually. However, it did prove to be a bit awkward. For one, his scent was driving me insane. What you have to remember is that we started dating when I was clinically depressed, and his smell helped make me feel better (mainly because I'd be held to him and I'd be smelling him so his smell comforted me). I haven't smelled it in over nine months (because I can't remember smelling it much during the last few months we were together) and so to have it take over the van we were in was driving me insane. Another thing was I didn't know how to act towards him, and I don't think he knew how to act around me. We both felt a little weird. Still, by the end of the day, we were talking at least, and messing around a bit like we used to. Still, it was a little awkward.

That night, I ended up hanging out with him (unexpectedly, for it wasn't planned). We pretty much drove around town for about an hour and a half just talking and catching each other up on our lives since we'd last really talked, which was in January. I also found out in that conversation that he never hated me, and that's when I learned just how much it was affecting me thinking that he hated me all this time. It was amazing. Just suddenly how much everything changed by hearing the words, "I never hated you." It hit me then just how much he still meant to me. And then everything I've been trying to block up in my mind for the past nine months starting breaking my wall. More and more started to slip through. I went home that night feeling so relieved it was insane.

The next morning, we didn't crew, because it was raining all night. But it was okay. My friend, Kim, had come with me to crew, so her, Sam, and myself decided that even though we weren't crewing we'd hang out anyway. All we did was sit in my car next to a park just jamming to Jack Johnson and talking. It was nice. And I learned that Sam and I were friends again. Just like that. Nine months of hating (by me) and silence and angst and then after 24 hours it was shattered and suddenly we were friends just like before. I was stunned. I went back to school that afternoon completely dazed from the shock. It was like the past nine months hadn't happened, or like it had just been a weekend apart. My wall blocking all my thoughts and emotions towards Sam completely crumbled beneath the weight of everything. And then I started to realize some things.

For one, what if Sam had been hurting this whole time as much as I have? I wouldn't feel so bad about everything if I knew he had hurt as much as I had. I spent so much time denying the fact that my heart was crying every day because I'd lost my best friend and my other half. For nine months I'd been denying the fact that I was so upset. I lived my life pretending that I didn't care and that I hated him, but I couldn't, because I still loved him. I pushed myself to do so much that I wouldn't have done before as a means of trying to forget about him, to move on, and yet I still couldn't do it. I'd still have days where all I could do was think about him and how upset I was. And I realized that maybe he felt the same, and maybe he was doing the same thing.

And then, what if I had hurt him as bad as he hurt me? He broke up with me, but I flat out told him I didn't care because I was going to break up with him anyway, he just beat me to it. What if that hurt him even more because he hadn't really wanted to break up, but was just scared to do it? Then to find out that I didn't even care, because it was coming anyway. I mean, that had the potential to be the destroyer of worlds. And what if some of the stuff that he had said, like how he had supposedly never loved me, had only been said because it would make the pain of losing me feel like less than it was? What if we'd both been living a lie to try and deny the fact that we both felt like death about being apart and not speaking?

That's when I realized that I couldn't just pretend like he hadn't affected me the way he had. I am who I am because he was a part of my life. I grew and changed and matured with him and it was because of our relationship that I am who I am. And so much shifted in my brain that I don't know what I'm going to do now. I guess I'll just keep going, and see how this develops.

Roommates

Oi. Seriously. Life is so...dramatic. Here's what happened:

So my roommate, Karol, has this friend, Nicole, who comes over fairly often and they talk and whatnot and hang out. I don't really mind. But Nicole doesn't like her roommate.

A friend of mine who lives across the hall, Bri, just had her roommate move out. Because she moved, she has the room all to herself, but she knows that it won't stay that way forever. She doesn't want some new person in her room that she has to get acquainted with all over again.

Bri and Nicole got together and came up with a "brilliant" plan.

Step 1: Nicole would move into my room.

Reason: She could be with Karol rather than her roommate and they would get along.

Nicole's Logic: If she was staying with Karol and I wasn't, I wouldn't have to deal with her in my room all the time being loud and I could study in silence.

Step 2: I would move into Bri's room.

Reason: I would get to room with someone I know.

Bri's Logic: She wouldn't have to get a new roommate that she didn't know. Since we're already friends it would work out great.

Nicole's Logic: I would be with someone I'm already friends with. Plus, the new girl who would have originally been Bri's roommate wouldn't have to move into Bri's room only to move out again into Nicole's old room.

Step 3: The new girl who would have been in Bri's room will instead move into Nicole's old room down the hall.

Here's my thing, they told me about this plan right before I went to my last class on Friday. In class, I had bigger things to be thinking about rather than room drama with my room as the focal point and the creators of this idea didn't even live there. So I went to class and completely forgot about the plan. After class, Paige, Robyn, Kim, and I were supposed to hit the road to go to Albuquerque for the weekend, so I was concerned about packing. Right as I get to my room, I get a call from Bri.

Bri is hoping that I'm still okay with the plan and that I don't mind and hoping that I'll go with it. Karol doesn't care so she is just going along with it. I was hoping that I could think about it over the weekend, but they got to me right as I was about to go and so out of stress and haste, I signed the paperwork to do the room switch.

Everything was all set to go, but over the weekend I actually had some time to think. I kind of like my room. My room is nice. It's set up the way I want, everything's all moved in, I like it's location, Karol's pretty cool, and it feels like home. To move across the hall would be a pain in the ass. Also, Bri's already moved in, so I would have to adjust around her. Not quite so fun.

Another thing, I don't really see Bri and myself getting along very well as roommates. No offense or anything to her, but I just don't see us doing well as roommates. Friends, yeah, we're great. Sorority sisters, yeah, we're great. But roommates? Not so much.

After talking about it with Kim all weekend and thinking about it, I decided that I didn't actually want to do this. I just liked everything the way it was. Besides, if Nicole wanted to be closer to Karol, she could move in with Bri and we'd be fine.

Well, I get in today and I kind of tell Karol that I don't actually want to do the move anymore. I guess she wasn't paying attention. My RA, Stephanie, said she needed me to sign some papers about moving (which I thought I already did but whatever) and I said I didn't want to move anymore. Kim was with me, and she got a bit excited and told her the whole story. Stephanie said it was fine if I didn't want to move. She also said that if Karol and Nicole want to room together, there's an empty room down the hall that they could move into together. Well, I called up Karol to tell her about it.

I thought Karol didn't care one way or another, but I guess I was wrong. She seemed a little upset that I didn't want to move anymore. Then she said she had to talk to Nicole about whether or not they would do it. Now I feel kind of cheated. They kept saying from the beginning that I didn't have to move if I didn't want to. I would have if Karol had said she wanted me to because I don't want to force her to stay with me, but she didn't care either way so I figured she wouldn't mind. But now she might take off anyway.

If I end up by myself, I guess it isn't bad. I like Karol, but if she doesn't want to room with me I can't make her. Still, I guess I just want things to turn out alright. We'll see what happens.

School is Fantastic

Sorry about posting stuff mainly on how school is going, but to be honest, orientation's been taking up all of my time. I've been meeting new people and all of it has got me going so much that I haven't even really had time to think about much else. Deep thoughts will be posted again eventually, but right now, you're going to have to tolerate the learning and exploring of the whole "college experience". Then again, isn't that what this blog is supposed to be about?

So this girl that I met yesterday is freakin' awesome and she totally made my day today. She lives across the hall from me and *shockingly* our first class tomorrow is the same. Definitely made my day. So right now we're just chillaxing in our dorm's computer lab and I'm typing this and she's doing the whole e-mail thing and we're chilling. I'm thinking of getting pictures of the campus to post up. Anyway, things are going well. Orientation is almost over. Classes start in the morning. Life is fantastic. The weather's been a bit weird, but other than that things are cool. Still needing that internet connection in my room, though...

Update

Well, school is going well. Today I met about five people. Also, I went dancing, hung out, powned at cards, and overall I had a good day. I am looking forward to tomorrow. Hopefully my posts will get longer when I have internet access in my room =]

The Nerves are Kicking In

Definitely. In the morning, I'm leaving for Portales. In 24 hours' time, I'm going to be moved in and talking with my family for the last moments I'll have with them. Then I'm on my own.

It's a scary thought, knowing that you have to be on your own. When you leave for school, it suddenly hits you: you aren't a kid anymore. You have to pay for what you need, your parents aren't there to nag you about everything. Your life is suddenly in your hands, and you look like a deer in the headlights wondering what the hell you're going to do with it. It's at times like these where you realize that you have the power over your life and where it's going. It isn't your parents, your family, your friends, your school, or society telling you where you're going and what you're doing. It's all about you. It's a weird feeling. It makes you scared. Can't lie, I am scared shitless right now. But I'm also one of the most excited people you will meet.

That's the other feeling you get when you hit this moment in life. Excitement. Suddenly, you're free. Freedom is an awesome feeling. But guess what? It's scary too. But hey, it's all up to you. You can go to school, you can drop out, you can get a job, you can get married, you can have kids, you can travel the world. Life is yours and you can do what you want with it. Once you realize this, you feel...empowered. At least, I do. I'm excited for all of this. I want to go. I want the freedom. I want the ability to rule my own life.

Anyway, this is what's really bugging me right now. I'm mostly packed (I think...) and so now it's just making sure it's all put together before I leave in the morning. I have to see my remaining friends once more before I leave. And then my new life begins.

My Life is SO Weird

My life nowadays always seems to have a way of working its way right back where I want it. I don't know how, it just always does. Every time something comes and knocks it out of whack, it finds its way back and I have no idea how. Here's my two guesses: 1. I have REALLY GOOD karma. 2. I am a master at the Law of Attraction. Why do I say this? Mainly because Jarrod and I are still friends and I'm not ready to kill Lynsie anymore.

So let's start with the first theory, I have FANTASTIC karma. I'm not going to deny that one. If you've ever looked at my life you will notice that I always get great things happening to me. Just as things are starting to look bad something good always comes along. I'm not kidding, my karmic energy is phenomenal. I'm not sure how, maybe I can save karmic energy from past lives and let it all accumulate (like roll-over minutes haha lol roll-0ver karma points lmao). Either way, karma always seems to be in my favor. At least, nowadays. But then again, doesn't karma sort of tie into the Law of Attraction?

So the second theory, I'm a master at the Law of Attraction*. This makes sense. If you don't know me, let me enlighten you. A couple years ago I was seriously depressed. I was suicidal. Yes, I was cutting. I contemplated suicide on a fairly regular basis and for all those who did know me at that time, you know that nothing helped. I had to see a councilor, I was put on mood-stabilizers (because I'm a bit bipolar), and still, nothing was really making a difference. Now you are probably wondering how this applies to me being a master of the Law of Attraction. Well, it's simple. Take the negative side of that Law and you had me: the Master of Negativity. Here's what I kept thinking over and over and over again:

1. My life sucks.
2. My parents hate me.
3. No one at school likes me.
4. I have no friends.
5. My sister is a bitch who is out to ruin my life.
6. I'm fat.

These six things were what I thought about all the time. Now, we know the universe likes to give you what you ask for. So what happened? I got all of the above tenfold. It sucked. Basically it turned out like so:

1. I hated everything in life and was miserable enough to be suicidal.
2. My parents and I fought all the time.
3. People at school gave me dirty looks and talked shit about me behind my back.
4. My friends stopped talking to me and left me alone.
5. My sister and I would yell and fight (yes, physically too) at every opportunity.
6. I gained 40 lbs in a year.

Yeah, Law of Attraction works alright. And guess what? I had to learn that the hard way. I had to learn that I made my life exactly that. I had to learn the hard way that I lost everything I cared about most because I was so damn negative. What a lot of people probably don't know, however, is that is was my friend and soon-to-be boyfriend, Sam, that helped me out of it. How? Well, he was in the same position I was, and as soon as I started to see what he was doing, it snapped me out of it. I saw what he was doing and it got me out of my introspective nightmare. I realized that everything he was doing to himself was an exact reflection of what I was doing to myself. Together, we both grew out of it and moved on. If you've talked to me recently, you know I've talked a lot of trash about Sam, but the truth is, I still owe him my life. He helped me more than anyone could and saved my life. I still have to respect that. It was because of him that I could see how my thoughts made my life exactly that. When my thoughts were a lie, the universe turned it into a truth. That's how I learned about the Law of Attraction.

It wasn't until this past year, however, that I really started to get how to be positive. It really hit me when Sam and I broke up (yeah, we were together for almost two years. He was my first boyfriend. It ended badly. We don't talk anymore). After that moment, I started to really see things. I got out of a world that existed of only two people, Sam and myself. I started to see the world for what it was. I saw people and really saw them for the first time. I started to realize that I had friends. My parents and I get along great. My sister is one of my many best friends. I'm losing weight. I'm going to a school that's right for me. Everything in my life is going exactly the way I want it to. People always wish that their lives could be perfect. Mine already is. I'm surrounded by great people. I learn something new every day. I have a huge circle of friends. Life is amazing. And I made it happen.

So hwo does this apply to me now? Well, Jarrod is talking to me and we're still good friends (yes, name of said guy that I've liked for ages is Jarrod. I'm tired of alluding to him). I'm not so angry at my cousin anymore. I forgive her. And life just went back to the way it was before yesterday blew up in my face. Strange. My life is SO weird.

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*For those of you who don't understand, it's a simple concept. Basically, what you put out is what you get back threefold (or close to anyway). So let's say you send out a small, marble-sized amount of love to someone you know. In turn, the universe will give you back a bowling ball portion of love. Let's say you send out a toothpick of negativity to someone. You will get back a javelin-sized negative reaction in your face. It follows very close to the idea of karma, it just has a different name and a little clearer definition.