Sunday, August 29, 2010

Remeber Me

Amazing movie. Only issue: It forced me to relive all the pain I've experienced during my life involving family and relationships. Fuck.

It hurts. Everything does. It's painful. Family dynamics that fucking suck, pain for everything I've been holding in, losing people I love. Everything. And all the pain I've ever felt is rushing back. Being betrayed, hurt in some of the cruelest ways imaginable by people that you love and trust, seeing your family fall apart, support for sibling when others don't. Just, uhg.


Feeling like the world is going around.
Feeling like I can't stick around.
Feeling like it's all passing me by.
Feeling like I'm wondering why.
Feeling like it's all a lie.
Feeling like I can't keep going.
Feeling like I'm really confused.
Feeling like I can't clear my head.
Feeling like I should lie instead.
Feeling completely alone.
Feeling like I can't go on.
Feeling like I can't do this.
Feeling like I need to think.
Feeling like nothing makes sense.
Feeling like nothing makes sense.
Feeling like nothing makes sense.
Can you keep going.
Can you keep wondering?Can I stay living?
Fuck it all as it goes in and out.
Fuck it all, it's time to go.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Isis Lessons

Isis, as you may or may not know, is my kitten who is about three months old, give or take a few weeks. She's adorable, fun loving, and just happy to be alive. And she teaches me every day new ways to live.

Isis loves freely. Every person she comes into contact with she lets into her heart. They say love is blind, and for Isis, it truly is. All you need to do is be there and she becomes yours. She reminds me every day what it is to love unconditionally.

Isis comes to love on me every day. No matter how I'm feeling, no matter what I've done, she still is by my side. When I'm feeling down, like last night, she makes it a point to stay on my lap curled up and maintaining all of my attention so that I don't notice that I am sad anymore. She reminds me of the age-old saying, "This too shall pass."

Isis never lets anything get her down. Despite what my other two cats, Derp and Spaz, think of her, she's always happy. They can bug her all she wants, they can hate on here and ignore her, growl at her, or fight with her, and yet she doesn't let it bug her in the slightest. She just goes about her business, loving freely and being completely and totally stoked just to be alive. She reminds me every day that this life is all I have, and I am in control of it. I can control how I see things, how I let things affect me, and how I live my life. She reminds me to live life to the fullest.

Isis may just be a cat, but she can still be a reminder in the most stressful of times to sit back, relax, and love life. She's one of the closest things to me, and she means the world. She truly is unique, and for what she reminds me of every day I can never give up.

Friday, August 27, 2010


Yeah, okay, it's something that just about every adult does. I'm working at McCarty's, a local restaurant that has a homey feel with good food relatively fast for not too high a price. I work as a waitress, cashier, bus girl, and whatever else needs to be done, like preparing or cooking food, changing the sign outside, taking out trash, prepping the food, like onions to be ready for quickly made onion rings, to running errands. It happens. I actually really like my job, it's just being on my feet for hours that kills me.

Currently, my mood is weird. I feel full of energy, ready to go and conquer the world. I want to do things, accomplish everything possible, and like I'm invincible. It's true. I feel like I can clean my house tonight, do all my homework, take care of the cats, cook a full dinner, and not even need sleep. And yet I'm feeling so down, like there's no point to anything. Like, what am I going to do with my life? What's the point of being in school? I can get by without all the education. Who needs a fancy life? Why try on anything? It doesn't matter what I do, I'll never make a difference. There's nothing special about me, nothing unique, nothing worthy of even using resources on. I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing, staring into space wishing I could stop existing and wondering why that hasn't happened yet. And yet I still feel like I can change the world.

I'm not sure what's up with that. I'm doing a lot with my life, so maybe I'm just stressed out by trying to make it all work. Maybe it's just my bipolar shit kicking in, and I just need to move on with my life because honestly, I'll get over it. By next week or even tomorrow I'll feel completely different. Or exactly the same. Or I shifted to one of the two moods. Hell if I know. All I know is that I'm doing my best to keep going. I feel like I'm accomplishing a lot and doing a lot with my life right now, but at the same time I feel like it's nothing at all. Who knows.

I feel like talking to people but I don't know what I would say. I want to be held and told I'm fine and I'll be okay and yet I just want to be alone. I want to be with someone, like being a lone is a horrible idea and yet that's all I even want. My own space. my own everything. But I don't at the same time. Fuck me, right?

Oh well. At this point, yeah I'm tired, but stuff also needs to get done. I want to do it but I don't at the same time. Who knows. And who knows how this even relates to work and how I started this blog. Bleh. I think I'm retarded.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

School Year '10-'11

Oi. Yup, it's started. Huzzah!! I've figured out that I only have three semesters left until I graduate with a double major. Sweet! Also, haven't yet decided what it is I'm going to do after school. A part of me wants to be a lawyer, and yet part of me thinks that's a bad idea. I don't know. Luckily, after I graduate I'm taking a semester off so hopefully I can figure out at least a few more steps of what I'm going to do after school. Oi.

As of now I am planning recruitment for all Women's Greek Organizations on campus. Woo! Also, planning a wedding, working, and going to school full time. Jeez mon'! Luckily I have amazing friends, like Lish, who are there all along the way. And what would I do without Chris? He really is my rock. He's the resounding figure that's pushing me to get through school, to not give up when things get tough, and my shoulder to cry on when it feels like everything is falling apart. And that's part of why I'm marrying him.

I really need to clean my house, though. It's stressing me out because it's so dirty, and the cats are throwing a fit that we haven't cleaned the litter box in a while. Ew. I'm still debating on whether or not to clean after I post this. I've been feeling sick all day, but honestly, maybe it's in part due to the state of my house right now. Gah, if only I had a washer and drier. I was so close, too! Well, we'll see what happens. Maybe I'll wash a few dishes then go to sleep. I've done some homework today, so I'm feeling pretty decent. Worked tonight, did well, missed a class because I almost passed out and threw up everywhere, but overall I'm feeling okay at this point. Just tired. So maybe all I'll do is some dishes. And maybe the litter box. Or I'll have Chris do it when he gets home.

Monday, August 9, 2010


So, for those of you who read this who haven't seen or heard elsewhere, I am getting married. Technically, Chris and I got engaged in March, and it has been one of the most difficult things keeping it a secret until now. Still, it was worth it.

You know, I never really thought about weddings much until I actually got engaged. Sure, I've thought about it in passing because Stahelin and I, as well as Sam and I, have talked about getting married. I was sort of engaged (to us we were, officially we weren't) but because it was such a thing as only between us, I didn't take it too seriously. Is it bad that it's hard for me to trust a guy who says he wants to spend his life with me until he actually commits with something like a ring? It makes me feel selfish, or cruel, like I use them or lie to them emotionally until they "prove" themselves. But what else can I do? I've already been with two guys who swore on everything they had that I meant the world to them. I gave them everything, and trusted them fully, only to have them turn their backs on me in the end. I was ready to give them my life, and yet it was they who left me. So does it make me a bad person to have a harder time to believe the third who says the same?

Still, he really is serious, and I'm glad. Chris is amazing. He means the world to me. I don't think I could have found a better guy. He makes me so happy in so many ways, and I feel I can truly be myself with him. I don't feel like he judges me for who I am. And he wants me to say what I feel, what I think, rather than judging me for it and pushing me to keep myself locked inside. I'm happy, and I'm getting married =]

For those of you who know me, be ready for 2012. Send me an email if you want more information and desire to attend; I'd love to have you there!