Mental Notes to Self

1. Getting enough sleep makes you feel better.

2. If you eat regularly, not only do you look healthier, you feel better and you're more stable.

3. Taking your pills regularly like you're supposed to keeps you from having melt downs.

4. Start studying for a test when you first get the material that'll be covered on it. You'll know it better and you won't be stressing out before the test. And you'll do better when you actually take the test.

5. If you get up with enough time to get ready in the morning, you're relaxed and able to make it to class with ample time to get ready and you're better prepared for learning the information presented.

6. Planning ahead and working on stuff prior to when it needs to be done means less stress later on when it actually needs to be done.

7. Showering regularly makes you feel better.

8. Dressing up every now and then is good for you; it's good to feel pretty and like yourself.

9. Take time for you but don't spend all free time on you. Remember that you still have stuff that needs to be done.

10. No matter what your moods tell you, how you feel, or what you're thinking, you are awesome. There are people who love you, and you will be missed if you aren't here.

Survival

That's what I'm working on right now. I think it'll be better after today when I've finished this damn test that's attempting to be the bane of my existence, but whatever. I'm praying I don't have work tomorrow. Then I'd have my weekend to get my life back together. It'd be like hitting a reset button in my head! Woo! If only...

My issue lately is that I'm WAY hormonal. I have no idea why, either. I've been taking my meds regularly, so who knows. I really need to see a shrink though. If I could talk to them then maybe they could get me correctly medicated for the depression side AND help with the stupid manic shit too. That would be awesome. All I want is to be stable. Why is that too much to ask for? Oi.

So, chilling at work. I found coffee, a coffee pot, filters, creamer, sugar, cups, and spoons. I'm stoked. I'm going to make coffee in a bit, for one because I'm freezing but primarily because I need to study for the test of doom I have today. I swear, it's evil. Multiple choice, fill in the blank, true/false where you have to correct false statements into true statements, and short answer. And all on vertebrate zoology. Fuck.

Mmm, the sound of coffee brewing makes me feel awesome. Yay ^.^ Found my happy place for the morning. Maybe today won't be so bad after all =]

Scared

I'm just scared about life, scared about everything. What if I can't do it? What if I don't succeed? What if I die trying? Would it be worth it or would I be regretting what I failed at? I don't know. And I hate that I'm bipolar, because I can't tell what emotions I feel are just emotions because of the chemicals in my body or if they're real emotions that I have real reason for feeling. I've been crazy hormonal lately and I have no idea why. I've been taking my medication, I've been trying to eat well and exercise, but the mood swings are horrible. I really need to find a psychiatrist so that I can get medication worked out but IT'S SO FUCKING HARD TO FIND ONE!!!! I hate this. Hate everything. I hate my life. I wish I could make everything disappear, or maybe just fade out of existence myself.

Busy!!

You know, it's crazy what some people, like myself, choose to do with their lives. Especially me. I know it's all voluntary, but shit! I must be crazy! I'm taking 20 hours this semester (the vast majority of which are upper division), I have two jobs, I'm actively participating in Zeta, I'm planning a wedding, I'm an officer in Zeta, and officer in Panhellenic, the Executive Director of Student Senate, and I'm in belly dancing. Sometimes I think I'm intentionally trying to kill myself.

Currently, at Job B (a.k.a. front desk worker in a dorm) there is an alarm going off. It beeps for about two minutes, stops for 10-30 seconds, then starts again. I've been here for three and a half hours. I think I'm going to kill it. Normally I use my time at this job to study and get much needed homework done, but today that is utterly impossible. I have a hard enough time focusing when it's quiet. Add constant alarm status and loud volumes and it's damn near impossible. Uhg.

Anyway, I'm just a bit tired and wanting to go to bed. Stupid beeping thing. So I felt like rambling a bit. Besides, you're reading this, so clearly you don't mind my crazy too much ;)

Grad School?

Currently that's the issue I'm mulling over in my head. Do I want to go to grad school and get a master's in Forensics or do I want to go to law school. Luckily, there are a couple of schools where you can actually do both. Still, you have to be accepted into each program individually. Uhg. I've been looking at numerous grad schools, and after I get through those I'm probably going to start checking out law schools. Oi. If only I knew what to do with my life.

I'm finally done with recruitment and finally unsilenced. I can reassociate with Zeta, however it sucks because I work nights. This means that even though I can hang out with them and wear shirts and whatever else, I still can't really go to anything because I'm always working. FML. I guess that's what happens in the big kid world, you lose time to do fun things as you work your butt off to make ends meet. Sometimes I wish I wasn't growing up. Plus, no matter where I go for school in 2012, I'm going to be moving to a place I don't know (more likely than not) and being far from everyone and everything I know. Alright, the only schools in Forensics are basically on the coasts, and mostly in the northeast. If I moved there I'd be close to family I've never really known well, and if I moved to California I'd be really close to family I rarely see. If I go to Florida, well, there's no one there. Nore is there anyone in Michigan or Illinois. *Sigh* Life is hard.

The good thing is the stability and happiness that Chris gives me. Whenever I start to lose hope or get really down he's always there to pick me back up and remind me that I'm okay. No matter what I freak out about, from Zeta to being a hypochondriac (and all that comes with that) to school, to family, to life, he's always there to keep me sane. He loves me and supports me in all I do, and he's there for me. Always. I fucking love this guy.

Well, life is kicking my ass. I'm a student who's taking overtime in hours (full time max is 18, I'm doing 20), I'm working two jobs, I'm in many extracurricular activities, and I still manage to maintain a 3.3 GPA and a social life. I think I'm superwoman.

Odd

Recruitment is insane, but then again it always is. There's always people who are going to say you're doing a horrible job, those who tell you hwo to do it, and those who praise it. You're always going to mess up because, hey, you're human. It's what we do. And no one is perfect. I think that's why I like recruitment. It reminds me to not take myself so seriously, to be calm, and to know that if I tried pleasing everyone that in the end I will have failed. All I can do is my best, work to have things run smoothly, be strong, and remember, if things are going great then you haven't reached the end. Besides, in under 24 hours I will no longer be silenced, recruitment will be over, I'll have almost 20 new and beautiful sisters, and I won't have to worry about this any more. Things aren't amazing yet because I'm not at the end yet =]