Thursday, December 31, 2009

End of the Year

So, it's the last day of the year, in almost the last 30 minutes, and so I guess I find myself wanting to do a reflection on this past year. The best word to describe it: Fuck.

There was a bunch of crazy hospital visits, crazy stories with my roommate, weird classes, summer love, drama, drinking, smoking, partying, friends, engagements, weddings, moving, surgery, and wwaaay too much drama. Damn. I have had three boyfriends this year, none of which were recurring thank god. I've read a lot of good books. I had experiences I never thought I would. I failed my first class. I did a lot of stuff I never saw myself doing ever. It's been interesting.

So how do I feel about this year? I'm more grateful than anything else because it's finally over. And I thought 2006 was an interesting year... I guess 2009 kicks that one's ass. I'm looking at 2010 as a time to start over. I'm going to use it as a moment where I can hit the reset button and start over. It's a new semester. I'm already talking to different people. A lot of the people who were causing a bunch of issues for me last semester aren't around anymore. I have a boyfriend. I have new classes and a much calmer schedule. So I'm hoping that this will be different. I don't want to deal with the same shit I did. I'm ready to start over. And I have some pretty fantastic people who are going to be there with me when I do. I'm ready for this new beginning. If only Chris was here, now... Fuck I miss him so bad...

Wednesday, December 30, 2009


I don't watch it because I hate it. Generally, I don't care if other people watch it and if it's on I'll join you, but it doesn't really mean I enjoy it. I don't own a television of my own. When I'm at home I never go and turn it on just to watch it. It isn't my thing. But I think it goes back to the days when I was younger.

If you knew me as a little kid you knew that I watched TV all the time. That's why my parents got my sister and me into sports. Well, part of the reason. So I watched it all the time. Once we moved, though, I just wasn't that into it. Middle school came and went and I was relatively busy so I didn't watch it and I just had other stuff to do. I became less inclined to watch. And then ninth grade happened.

I was pretty depressed after 8th grade because I left all my friends and while I thought we were going to be friends in high school we weren't because they went to Eldorado and I went to La Cueva. Well, over winter break I went to a church camp and it changed my life. It was amazing! So after the drive from Denver to Albuquerque I came home and wanted to tell my mom all about it. I walked in after being gone for a week and my mom and sister were watching TV. I tried to say hi and tell them about it, but my mom hardly looked at me and told me to be quiet because her show was on. She didn't want to hear about it. I don't think she realized how much that hurt.

After that, I began actually hating it. I never hated it before that, it was when it was placed above me by my mother of all people that I turned. So I am an avid television hater. I think it destroys families from the inside out and it tears homes apart. But people don't see that because it numbs the mind. Television drains all creativity from the mind and drowns it in a dull environment with instant action that's fast paced and moving rapidly. No one has to think because you don't have enough time to. And as it numbs the brain you can't think of anything better to do then to continue numbing yourself with the same bullshit. And then families fall apart because the television and the people in the shows your watching become more like family to you than the actual people who should matter, your own flesh and blood. The only thing I can think of at this point is in Fahrenheit 451 when the main character's wife is so into her television room and her "family" that she has no idea what is really going on in the world and that's how their society is. I fucking hate it and we're moving rapidly in that direction. It's fucking bullshit. Uhg.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

I'm Feeling Better, Which Is Good

Yeah, I knew that people were going to flip out when I changed statuses on stupid sites like Facebook and Myspace to being "In a Relationship". Stupid, yes, but nonetheless people freaked. Mainly because of all the shit I got myself into this semester, now I have a handful of guys who can watch as I go off with someone else. Sorry, but it's my life.

Anyway, I felt like shit about it earlier. I was super depressed and felt horrible about how it hit one guy in particular. But at the same time, I can't wait forever. So I'm happy and after a good long nap I feel substantially better. Yay! Now it's just me and my cranberry juice and dark chocolate pretzels. If only my room was clean, too...


So, holy crap. That's all I can say. But basically, I have a boyfriend. Chris, a.k.a., Monkey. So from now on, ex boyfriend Chris will always be referred to as Stahelin, and Monkey will always be referred to as Chris. Hopefully this will lessen confusion.

So Chris is amazing. Just saying. He's super smart, he makes me laugh, he reads amazing books, we have really cool discussions on just about anything, and I can talk to him and I feel like he honestly cares about what I have to say and what I think. It's a fantastic feeling.

Anyway, I'm just really excited for the first time in a really long time. I don't know where this is going but I'm hoping it works out. For the first time in months I have hope again. It's a good feeling.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Moving On

It's one of the hardest things you could ever do, to walk away from something you care about, to let go of past pain, past hardship, past friendship. How do you let go and move on as if it doesn't affect you? I've done it so many times and sometimes I just have to wonder why.

To start with, schools. Yeah, self-inflicted pain. Over and over again. Because I went to a tiny private school for elementary school, I left my friends behind when I got to middle school. I got a transfer into Hoover Middle School, and if you know anything about that school you know that everyone, yes, EVERYONE, goes to Eldorado for high school. I had a transfer to Eldorado. I decided to go to La Cueva instead. "Because it'll be better for me and I will learn more and do better." Hahaha, we all saw how that worked out. I was miserable. That school was one of the reasons I was suicidal. So in my junior year, half way through the year, I left my friends there to go to Southwest Secondary Learning Center. Bad choice. But whatever. Educationally, it's what I needed. And I was not doing well at La Cueva. It really was time to leave. But now I was at an even more anti-social school where the teachers suck, I spent limited time there, and didn't talk to anyone. Yup. Maybe not the best choice but it was all I had. And then for college, when all my friends went to UNM, I went to ENMU. Where I knew quite literally nobody. Yup, way to sabotage myself.

Recently, it's been getting over exes and the best friends that have left me over the years. Moving on from things I've lost, like skating and dancing, friends like Maddie, Minion Twin, Kirsi, Evann, and Jalisa, exes like Sam and Chris, and recently, fighting for the life I lost. Life is hard.

So what do you do? Yeah, I've voluntarily uprooted and moved myself far away for the sole purpose of starting over. I've gone places and done things that completely changed everything I know. But moving on and acting like it doesn't affect you? How do you do that? How can I go on acting like I'm not hurting from all the shit that's gone on in my life? Maybe you never get over pain, maybe you just learn to live with it. But with an ever growing pain that only expands as time goes on rather than diminishes, how do you do that? I try to live life as if I don't have years of hurt building on one another but sometimes I wonder if all I do is live a lie, putting on a show for the rest of the world about how "okay" I am. And then I wonder, why?

Saturday, December 19, 2009


You know, I was a little hesitant to post my last post because I knew that some of the reactions I'd get for doing a post like that would be people freaking out that I'm suicidal. But honestly, I'm not. All that happened was I read a book where suicide was the main theme. I know that a lot of people don't know a lot about it or how to deal with people who are suicidal, so I figured I would use my past experiences and personal knowledge on it to share with others who don't know as much as I do.

I'm not suicidal. Have I been in the past? Yes. Am I now? No. That's in my past. I have grown as a person beyond that point where I started to think that was my only way out. And no, it wasn't easy. It never is. But let me tell you, after having been there, I fight very hard to avoid going back there. It sucks and I hate it. So I work not to be there.

But the point of my suicide post is to bring understanding about a taboo subject in our society. I think it's tragic that it isn't talked about more. But then again, it's the taboo subjects that are always my favorite. Still, suicide hits home for me. And I know how much it hurts when society keeps it so "hush hush" when it needs to be talked about because it is a serious issue. So that's what I hoped to do with my post. To bring understanding and light to a commonly misunderstood subject. Some people got that and really appreciated it. Other people got a little too worried. But it's okay, I'm alright. I promise =]

Thursday, December 17, 2009


Ever sat back and thought about it? Ever just think, "What if?" Maybe you know someone who's done it. Maybe you've been close yourself. Maybe you've tried. Maybe you know people who've tried. Maybe it's just something that happens to other people. Okay, so this is a random subject, I know. And maybe you're worried about me because of posts I've had or you know I'm hormonal. But don't worry. This post isn't really about that. Sort of.

Today I read this book my sister loaned me. It's called Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher. The basic gist of this book is that this girl, Hannah Baker, killed herself, but before she did it she made a series of tapes, directed at 13 people. One of the people is who you follow as he listens through the tapes. So here's a girl whom everyone thought was fine and dandy until she stopped showing up to school one day and it was rumored that she killed herself. So it really got me thinking.

I know that people take it very seriously, but when it looks them in the face they don't know what to do with it. In general people have a tendency to look at suicide as something serious but also as something of a joke. They can't understand why a person would feel so low about life that they feel that is the only way for them to get out of it. They look at is as one of the most selfish acts and blame the person who does it. Most of these people have never been suicidal themselves.

I have. When I was in my sophomore year of high school, I was highly suicidal, reason being I couldn't see any way that my life could get better. I lost all hope. And generally, that's what happens. People who are suicidal don't start out that way. But as shit keeps going wrong and as their attempts to get through it prove futile, they slowly lose hope. When they lose hope there's only one thing that seems like an answer and even that isn't there for a while because suicidal people would love more than anything not to do it. They want to believe that someone out there still cares enough to notice that that's what they are thinking of and to tell them that it isn't their only option. But so often that doesn't happen.

Now maybe you're wondering, "How can you make a generalization of all suicidal people off of what you alone experienced? You aren't everyone, and even you recognize that every person is different." Well, you are correct. So what led me to this conclusion? Alright, first lame reason is reading all of those suicide pamphlets and whatnot talking about suicide. Lame, I know. Also, books, like the one mentioned above. Okay, they're fiction, but I know they're based on truth, at least when they focus on the emotional side of it. And no, this isn't the first book I've read focusing on suicide. No, those contribute, but the real reason I know is because I've had multiple friends who have been suicidal and I have been the one to pull them out of it. I know their thought process.

So that leads me to another question. What do you do when you have a friend who is suicidal, and they're about to do something to themselves? Ever been there? I have. The easy answer is to go to them, be with them in person, and talk them out of it. But what about when you're only means of talking them out of doing it is through IM because you don't have a car, you can't drive, you can't call, and it's 12 am and you can't leave your house? Yeah, I've done that, too, and it sucks. But every person is different so the words it takes to show them that people, at least yourself, care are going to be different and only you as their friend will know what to say.

Maybe now you're asking, "Well how do I know if one of my friends is suicidal? How can I tell if they are thinking about it? How can I be there for them?" Good question. Every person is different, like I said. The emotional base is similar. And actions are also similar. From my personal experience, for that is really the best place I can look to, look at friends who slowly change. Maybe they used to be fun and outgoing and talk a lot. Now they slowly withdraw from social activity. They don't talk as much, they look less and less "there", they laugh less, and they just seem different. Maybe you noticed that something was up, and you asked if they were okay. The only answer they gave you is that they're "fine" or "tired" or "nothing".

Okay, from my own experience, yeah, I'd say that basically because I didn't want you to know that something was up. On the surface at least. But deep down, what I wanted more than anything was for someone to not just be superficially asking because that's what society deems correct behavior around someone like that. What I really wanted was for someone to look at me and say, "Krista, I know you aren't okay. What's really going on? Talk to me. I'm here for you." And even if I didn't say anything, it would have meant the world because someone noticed that I wasn't okay and actually wanted to be there for me. And hey, if you have someone who still won't talk to you after that, maybe it's because they're in shock that someone noticed. Or maybe they themselves didn't notice that something was really up. Or, like I probably would have done had anyone actually said that, they insist they're fine. If you're their friend, and you know they aren't fine, let it go for now, because maybe they just aren't ready to talk about whatever it is. The next day if they're the same way, just remind them that you are someone to talk to and that they care. It may not seem like much to you, but trust me, in times like that, it can change everything. Plus, the more they hear you say it, the more likely they are to believe it.

Anyway, I should probably stop this whole tirade on suicide. It's a big subject. But I guess something I really want to get out there is pay attention. Notice your friends. Notice the little things. Little comments on suicide may just seem like a joke and while they may play it off as such, it's really used as a judge to see how you react to it. Dramatic changes. I know, sounds silly, right? But no. Mine was wearing all black. All the time. With heavier and heavier makeup. In Thirteen Reasons Why, her dramatic change was cutting off all of her hair. Little things that are played off, don't let them. Mine was when I carved a heart into my hand. Yeah, lots of people asked about it when they realized that it wasn't drawn on, that I actually cut it into my hand. For those of you who weren't there, here was my response when they asked why: "Because I felt like it." The most typical reaction I got was people looking at me like I was crazy and pretending like they'd never asked and never noticed. So I wasn't a typical cutter, but that's because I didn't want to die. I wanted people to notice that something was wrong. No one did. Well, except my parents when they learned, thanks to my sister, that it wasn't drawn on. I was seeing a councilor within a week.

So I guess that's my last tidbit. If talking to them still doesn't work, get them help. Tell people, like parents, like councilors, that they need help. Here's something you can give them personally, of which I know it's saved lives. It's a phone number. You ready? It's 1-800-SUICIDE. You could also give them . Trust me, it's saved countless lives. And it could very well be what saves your friend's. But the most helpful advice I can give you from someone who's been there, just be there for them. And when you want to give up on them the most, that's more likely than not the time they need you the most. So if a friend acts differently and distances themselves, don't just let them go. Fight.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Things I wish I had the balls to say to people

1. I loved you. I really did. But you took that and destroyed it into hundreds of thousands of little pieces. And I don't think you understand the depth at which you destroyed me. I was a mess for two years and now you come back wanting to make it all better. I hate it. But I think I've moved on. I don't mind being your friend but I want nothing more because you've hurt me so bad that I can't not feel it. My body has gone numb to you and I don't feel anything for you. And I don't know if I ever will. So maybe we can be friends. But I can't pour my heart into you. And maybe you changed, and while I can see the compassion in your eyes you're still the exact same person you were when I left you. And I need more than that in my life. So thanks for teaching me how to get the fuck over you and move on with my life. But please, let me be happy with someone else.

2. I might love you. Maybe. But you know what sucks? You still love your ex. And let me tell you, I know exactly how that goes. And you know what else that means? It doesn't matter how much I care about you. It doesn't matter that I might possibly love you because in the end you won't feel shit about me because you still love her. I've fought tooth and nail for you for five months. You tell me you've done nothing with other people and yet I have friends who've said they've seen you with others. So who do I believe? I stand up for you, I fight for you, and yet you are still so in love with her that you can't see that. So why am I still fighting? Why am I still trying? We're just going to keep using each other for momentary pleasure and comfort while we lose ourselves in the depths of our minds. Neither one of us opens up to the other because we're scared shitless. But love takes work and if you didn't get hurt then it wasn't worth it. So I'm going to move on. I'm sorry. I tried. I tried to be there for you when no one else would. But you always kept me at a distance. So now I need to move on because I need someone to be there for me when I need them and you're not.

3. What the fuck happened to you? You were such a sweet guy? Honestly, I did care about you. Maybe I didn't love you. But I did care. And you threw that away! What the hell?! Why did you become like this? If it was because of me, I'm sorry. I know I have the tendency to destroy people. Especially the ones closest to me. But still. You had your friends and yet you turned your back on every single one of them and became someone you're not. If I could have told you six months ago about the person you are now, I think you would laugh and say that's ridiculous. But I can't say anything to you now because you won't listen to me or anyone else. What happened to you? It hurts seeing you like this. I just wish you could see. And maybe we could understand why. It just doesn't make sense. I told you everything and you left, too. Way too lie like everyone else. Thanks.

4. Seriously, I'm not angry that you wanted sex and that's the only reason you began talking to me. I'm not angry about that. I could really care less. Honestly, you have no idea how many guys have just come up to me and said, "Hey, I want to fuck you." It happens. What I'm angry about is that you made me believe you were different. You convinced me that you were there for me, that you were interested in me, that you saw me as a person that no one else saw me as this whole semester. You took me seriously, listened to my thoughts, my opinions, my ideas. You took time to understand me. You asked me about myself. You acted like you wanted to know me. It meant so much to me because no one's done that, just ask question after question about me not because they felt they had to but because they honestly wanted to. And then I found out that all of that was a lie. I honestly believe that it did change. I believe you when you say that it moved beyond sex. Even though we never did, I know you wanted to. But I know that wasn't your driving motive. It just bothers me that when you came to me under the pretext of wanting to know me unlike everyone else who just saw me as a stupid blond who can't think and is just another sorority girl, it hurt to find out that all you had wanted was sex. Just like everyone else. That's why I was angry. Because it felt like everything that had made the basis of our friendship was a lie. I felt like I couldn't trust you anymore. I felt like suddenly it didn't matter what I said, you didn't actually care. That's why I was angry. I felt betrayed and like I'd lost yet another close friend.

5. I'm just not interested. Stop asking me for sex. Stop asking me for alone time. You aren't the only one asking either. But I'm not just an object for you to use and manipulate. So leave me the fuck alone and let me get on with my life. Casually fucking isn't something I do. So find someone else.

6. Stop treating me like you're fucking superior to me!!! You aren't! The world does not revolve around you. You're an insecure child. Stop acting like you know everything and that I know nothing. I'm not just pretty, there's more to me than that. But you wouldn't actually know that unless you talked to me. But no, it's just you who does all the talking and talking down on me. Leave me the fuck alone. If you can't respect me I wish you could just let me be.

7. I like you, but only as a friend. I don't know what they told you about me, but I'm fucked up this semester. Sure, I may be awesome when my shit's together, but it's not right now. And I like you as a person, but I can't see anything more than friendship between us. So tell them to stop pushing you. I know you deserve a great person in your life, but I can also tell you that right now that person isn't me. I'm only going to hurt you more. So please, let me be.

8. I like you. I really do. And you know what? Maybe we can be more than friends. You're funny, you're smart, you make me laugh. You think, you're Greek, and you're close by. You care, you'd treat me well, and you have a fantastic choice in books. I think that things could really work out. Since I'm moving on from other people, I really want to pursue you. You seem super awesome and I want to see where this goes. No matter what anyone thinks.

9. I'm not perfect. Get over it. I know you don't know the semester I've had, but I've been doing damn good despite that. I know I wasn't perfect, but don't hold it against me. I won't bring her down with me, she's smarter than that. I know she has more of a future than I do. So focus on her. She loves you guys. But don't take it for granted because it won't always be there if you do.

10. Girl, I miss you like crazy. What the fuck? But you're always busy. Always. I want to spend time with you. We hardly ever see each other. But I miss you and you say you miss me too but yet you don't try to see me. I know your life is important to you. I can respect that. But sometimes I just need a friend who's been there through it all to give me a hug and let me cry because boys are stupid and break hearts. And everyone needs some girl time.

11. Stop bitching. Your life is fine. Stop harassing me. You don't take my advice anyway. So get the fuck over it, stop making all this drama for you, and grow up. If you really wanted my advice, you'd take it and then you wouldn't keep running into the same problems. Trust me, it's getting old.

12. You are awesome. I'm sorry I'm not there for you more. You really are amazing. I'm sorry I fail at being a good sister to you.

13. You guys fucking suck. I wish you hadn't gotten the offices you did. I'm sure there were better people for it. But it's too late now so I'll suck it up. I just thought you guys should know.

14. I know you guys care, but can you please back the fuck off. I'm making my own mistakes that I can use later to learn from. These are experiences I need, and it doesn't help to have you acting like my parent. Just be my friend and be there for me when it all blows up in my face just like you said it would.

Friday, December 11, 2009

I'm Back

Home, at least. Or rather, home in Albuquerque with my family. And yet I miss Portales like crazy. It's odd how after a year and a half of living there I feel more connected there than I do to Albuquerque. I have a stronger, more established life there. It isn't the flitty day-by-day passings of life that I had here in Albuquerque, but more like a home that I've established myself in. The life that I have there is mine, created solely by me and dictated by me into everything that I want. Nothing I have there was influenced by anyone else. I made it, and it is my life. It's not so here. So I guess it goes back to that saying, Home is where the heart is. My heart is in Portales. I'm sorry to all my friends and family in Albuquerque, but my heart really isn't here anymore.

Still, there is still a lot here that I don't have in Portales. My friends and family, for instance. If I could take them and put them there, it would be awesome. And life would be rather interesting. But at the same time, both places provide me a means of escape from the life I have in either one. Both have drama, both have problems, and both I need to get away from every now and then. So I'm back in Albuquerque for a bit over a month. Maybe it'll cause the drama from back home to settle down since I won't be there to feed it. 5 weeks is a long time. A lot can happen. But then I have to wonder how, now that I'm back here, things will change. I don't know what's coming for me. All I know is that I'm ready to deal with it. So let's go life. Show me what you got. Because after this hell of a semester I think I can take on anything.

Thursday, December 10, 2009


So, recently the most thought provoking thing has come up and I have no idea what to make of it. Sam came back. Which isn't too surprising or anything because I was the one who started talking to him a little over a month ago. What's surprising is that he said he was sorry. For everything. That he was sorry for hurting me, sorry for leaving me the way he did, sorry for destroying my heart, sorry for being a dick, sorry for treating me like shit, sorry for not giving me the respect I deserve. And then he said he wanted to make it up to me and asked for a second chance. I don't know what to think.

For so long I was convinced he hated me, so convinced that he never loved me and that he just said he did. But when I think about it, I know it's not true. He says that he was as torn up about breaking up as I was, that he didn't even really know why we broke up because he didn't really want to either. We helped each other through so much. He was my best friend. I told him everything. He was always there for me. And yeah we had some bad times at the end but what couple doesn't when it's ending? For two years he was my life and I lost it all and it killed me, but now I have the possibility to get it back. The love of my life, the person I've cared for longer than I could care for myself, the person I never gave up on when everyone else did, the person who helped me through the darkest time of my life, I could have him back. So what's the problem, right?

Because it did end badly. There was some fucked up shit that happened. Stuff was said that was pretty hurtful. Weird shit happened. So what if that happens again? I've been doing well without him, so I could keep going, right? I knew at the time that we were better apart. And I told everyone I was better without him. And after some of the shit that happened between us that I told other people, well, they wouldn't be too pleased if we got back together.

Also, there's the people out here that I've been getting close to. Mel is awesome and I've been falling for him. But he doesn't feel the same. He is still in love with his ex and I know he can't feel for me until he moves past her. And sometimes I think I'd be better not worrying about him. But I still care for him way too much. Eustace is a super sweet guy and I know he cares about me, I just don't feel the same for him. I know he'd treat me well, but I don't deserve him and I care about him only as a friend. Chris, a.k.a. Monkey, is awesome and we get along great. I know he'd treat me well and I know he cares. I'm just having problems with feeling recently. With all my issues here, it's almost tempting to just drop it and go with what's easier back home, but at the same time I don't know if I can do it.

So I'm torn. Part of me is dying to go back to Sam because I still love him. Despite it being two years since we broke up. I still care about him and I can tell that he's different from who he used to be. Yeah, I'd have to deal with all the shit I'd get from a large portion of people if I did, but haven't I been doing that all semester with Mel and the Kappa Sigs? But then I'd have to leave behind people I care about here. And I don't know how easy it would be to just drop that. And I'd feel like such a selfish bitch. Uhg. I don't know what to do. So this is what I'm thinking about.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

So Weird

Honestly, these mood swings are going to be the death of me. But oh well. Such is life, right? So, gain control and move on. Haha, me, in control of my emotions. I don't know why I can't seem to do it. I used to be able to control them, just not recently.

Anyway, finals are halfway done. I did my yoga final and Anatomy and Physiology final last week, and this week I've done Survey of Western Civilizations and Forensic Anthropology. They've actually gone much better than expected. The only thing is that all of those were finals I wasn't too stressed out about. The real bitches are on Thursday, of which I have Cell Biology, Indians of North America, and Anatomy and Physiology. I don't think it really matters what I get in A and P, though, because I think I can't get higher than a D. Cell Bio I think I can manage a C. Indians of North America I think I'll do fine in. So it's really just the other two. Still, I need to study. I just feel mentally dead, though. I can't focus on anything, I'm losing feeling again, and I am losing my capacity to care. Fuck. I don't want to be apathetic again and yet I'm falling rapidly back in that direction. FML.

Anyway, more to come, but that's all I have the focus to say right now. Peace.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Truth and Lies

I hate it. I hate lies. Hate. Honesty is painful. But at least it's better than a lie. Lies tear down the spirit because you know you weren't worth the truth.

How do I keep from him what I feel? I want to tell him but I know I can't. Being the way we are is painful enough on my heart, but walking away would hurt even more. I want to stay. Is that so selfish of me? But I know it's one-sided. I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of one sided affection and I know it sucks. And I care enough about him to do what is best for him and walk away. But it will hurt so bad and I'm tired of hurting. Sadly, I got myself into this. And I'm going to have to do the same with two other people. FML.

Sunday, December 6, 2009


I don't know what to do anymore. I care about him too much. I can't enjoy the company of other guys. I think I'm falling for him and I'm scared because I don't think he feels the same. It's only going to end in my heartbreak, but wouldn't that be better than me continually breaking other people's hearts? Brandy is right; every guy who gets to know me falls in love with me. But I can't be the healer of everyone's heart despite how much I want to. So now it's time to tell two guys that I can't care for them as more than friends because I'm falling for someone else. And it'll hurt, but hopefully they haven't cared long enough for it to be detrimental. My only question is can my heart handle being broken again by the guy I do care for, the one I'm slowly learning I can't seem to live without? I don't want to hurt, don't want to love, don't want to care, because it only leads to heartbreak. I lived two years in heartbreak and now that I'm beyond that I don't want to feel it again for a while. But I'm falling hard for a guy who doesn't want to get hurt either. How do I live? I want to be with him, to call him mine, to hold him close to me and never let go and yet I'm scared he will only push me away. I want to give him my heart and pray that he doesn't destroy it and yet I'm uncertain for whether or not he'll just give it back to me and say no. I'm scared I'm falling in love again.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009


It's supposed to snow today and if it does I'll be stoked ^.^

I have a quiz today and I'm hoping that I can do at least alright on it. After I write this I'm going to class.

I'm thinking of cutting off friendships with one of the people I've been fighting the hardest for over the past three months. I care about him, but at the same time I know I deserve better than what I've been getting from him. I just lost all reason to keep fighting for him. Maybe because better guys have been stepping into my life recently. Or maybe it's finally hitting me that I can't keep fighting for someone who doesn't fight for me. Life sucks. And relationships with anyone are even harder. But can I just walk away from this? I'm still going to see him around, still going to have memories, still friends with some of his friends. How will it affect other aspects of life? I already cut off one of his brothers, to cut him off too, how will that make me look to their entire brotherhood? Like I just fucked over too many of their brothers so none of them will talk to me? Uhg. Life is too complicated sometimes. I don't know what to do. So can I just walk away from it or should I keep fighting and hope he fights for me, too?