They are so weird!!! Honestly, dreams are crazy. Especially mine. They always run in one of two ways: either it's running like it's everyday life and makes it very hard to distinguish from real life, or it plays out like a Hollywood movie and while I'm still one person, I can see a lot of different angles, view points, thoughts, people, etc.
Still, every had dreams that leave you shaking and feeling completely thrown for a new one when you wake up? I'm sure it's fairly common. Generally, I'm fairly used to the crazy level of my dreams and how they differ from most people's, but sometimes i still get thrown off. Today is one of those days.
The dream: fairly simple. Sort of. Basically, I ran into my ex who was taking care of our child. Yeah, I was basically the man. Yeah, I had the baby, but I didn't really want to take care of it so he was. I realized that it was almost a year old when I ran into hi and that I'd hardly spent any time with my daughter. So I was talking to him, spending more time with him and his girlfriend, and trying to bring myself into my daughter's life. The first idea I had to do that (after hanging out with them in a lecture at school...) was to take her home with me for a week and spend a week with her. And it was weird because I really didn't care that he was taking care of her and raising her and it wasn't that important for me to be there for her. Then I started to wonder about custody issues and how to spend time with her and how I really didn't care if I was with her a lot but how he would feel having to give her up for extended periods of time. Ah, it was weird.
Next dream: odd. In short, from having baby I didn't care about I was heading home and was talking to my mom on the phone. Headed to work and was staying there doing my job, and then my boss came up to me and said I could go home because my mother had died. I looked at the schedule and realized that I could take off around a week or two without much problem to grieve and figure shit out. But mainly, I was in shock. No way she could be dead, I had just talked to her!!! As I was heading home, I kept trying to call her. Sometimes it rang and other times I just got stuck with voicemail. And about the time I got home, I got a text from my dad that basically read: As a plane was landing in Pheonix, three people suffered from heart attacks. Two of those had their hearts just stop as the air pressure and whatnot was unusual. One of those was your mother. An investigation may follow. And I guess that's when it hit me that she was really gone. So I spent the rest of the dream (until my cat woke me up yowling) grieving and going back and forth from thinking she was fine to knowing she was dead and freaking out.
Uhg. I like to think that there are deeper meanings to dreams; that there is some underlying thoughts or fears that your dreams can show you if you're receptive to it. I've no idea though. It could be crap. I think that activities you did during the day also can influence it. Watch a movie about kids and you have a tendency to have kids in your dream. Have a conversation about death and it shows up. But not always. Sometimes dreams are completely unrelated. And I have to wonder, where does my head get some of the ideas it does? I don't know, but sometimes I wonder if maybe the dreams I have are a sign that I really am crazy.
Showing posts with label Self-Exploration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Self-Exploration. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Unknown
I've been thinking a lot about the past lately, and how much different events can completely shape you and your life into different directions. Specifically, I've been thinking about the people I've let in to my life, the ones I held close, and the ones who meant the most to be. I think about how I've been hurt, how when you love someone you give them the power to completely destroy you and you hold on and hope they don't do it.
I'm getting married in five months. And I still go through the thought of wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I think it's because of the two other people that I let in and held close, the two other people I was sure I was going to spend my life with and how both of them destroyed it. Yeah, I held a part in it, but it always makes you question the legitimacy of a relationship and the point of putting your faith in forever when it's already be tarnished and destroyed not once but twice before. I gave these guys everything, and then they threw it back in my face. Sometimes I wonder if that's what's pushed me to be a cynic towards love, towards the idea that people can care for one another.
I love, and yet I feel nothing. It's the fear that holds me back, the fear that keeps me from saying everything I think and feel, the fear that I will be broken once again and never cared for. Because when the people you feel for most try to break you, why should you trust that everyone else won't do the same? I love Chris more than anything, and yet a part of me holds back because what if he does the same? He's my second longest relationship, and yet it's still moving towards surpassing the longest. My fear is that the longer I'm with him, the more he'll see whatever the others saw and he'll leave me, too. And maybe my thoughts of leaving are there because if I end it first, then it won't hurt so bad when he leaves me. I'm scared to admit this, admit how I really feel and the thoughts that continually run through my head. I'm scared to be alone, and scared to care for another. I'm scared.
I'm getting married in five months. And I still go through the thought of wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I think it's because of the two other people that I let in and held close, the two other people I was sure I was going to spend my life with and how both of them destroyed it. Yeah, I held a part in it, but it always makes you question the legitimacy of a relationship and the point of putting your faith in forever when it's already be tarnished and destroyed not once but twice before. I gave these guys everything, and then they threw it back in my face. Sometimes I wonder if that's what's pushed me to be a cynic towards love, towards the idea that people can care for one another.
I love, and yet I feel nothing. It's the fear that holds me back, the fear that keeps me from saying everything I think and feel, the fear that I will be broken once again and never cared for. Because when the people you feel for most try to break you, why should you trust that everyone else won't do the same? I love Chris more than anything, and yet a part of me holds back because what if he does the same? He's my second longest relationship, and yet it's still moving towards surpassing the longest. My fear is that the longer I'm with him, the more he'll see whatever the others saw and he'll leave me, too. And maybe my thoughts of leaving are there because if I end it first, then it won't hurt so bad when he leaves me. I'm scared to admit this, admit how I really feel and the thoughts that continually run through my head. I'm scared to be alone, and scared to care for another. I'm scared.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Law School
When I was a little kid, my dad told me that I would make a great lawyer. He wasn't saying that I had to be one or that it would be the best thing for me to do or that he wouldn't love me if I wasn't. He didn't spend my life training me to go. He didn't pound it into my head that it was completely essential for me to go to law school and that that was to be my direction in life. No, all he said was that I would probably enjoy it and that I'd be good at it. When I was a little kid I took it as a compliment because he thought I was smart enough to be a lawyer. As I got older, though, he just kind of left it as I went on to pursue my own ideas.
Last year, I was taking a criminal justice class where my teacher prompted discussions and thought about criminal cases. I didn't talk much, but it always made me think of what my position would be and for the first time challenged me to defend it. I loved it. So my dad said again what I had heard so long ago, "Have you thought about being a lawyer? It's very similar to what you're experiencing, and you would be really good at it." I thought about it, but I was still stuck on the idea that I wanted to do forensic work, be a criminal profiler, all of that fun jazz. Plus, I was thinking about lawyers with the stereotype that Hollywood projects. So, while it spiked my interest a bit, I put it in a back corner of my mind.
This semester, my science classes for my degree have been kicking my ass. I've gotten so frustrated with it that I've been tempted to just give up on science and major in something else. So I added a second major, Psychology. Contradictory, yes, but in the pathway of becoming a profiler, it makes sense. While I wanted to drop Forensic Biology, though, I realized just how close I was to graduating with that degree, and it seemed like a waste of time and energy to not follow through. I only have a year left. One year, and I will be done with Forensic Biology. And I learned that I could finish Psychology as well. This means that this time a year from now, I will be 20 years old and about to finish college with two undergraduate degrees. Intense, I know.
I was talking to my dad about finishing school next May and he brought up grad school. He asked if I thought about it and what I wanted to do once I graduated. I told him I really didn't know. It's true. The thought of graduating is amazing. The sense of accomplishment I'd have is absurd. To me, graduating like that would make up (in my mind) for all of my academic failures in the past. It would be the statement that says, "Look at me! I'm smart! I can do whatever I want to do and nothing will hold me back!" So while I'm stoked to graduate, I'm also horrified, because what am I supposed to do after I graduate? I'd have a degree in Forensic Bio and another in Psychology. What the hell do I do with that? I don't want to work in a lab. Being a psychologist isn't bad, but honestly, the likelihood have having guaranteed work in this economy is low. So no. I don't know. So my dad brings up grad school and I'm thinking, "Well crap, I could go but I don't know what I'd study and how would I pay for it and there's a myriad of problems and questions and issues to think about before I could possibly go." His suggestion: What about law school?
First off, until this point I didn't even know that law school was a graduate program. I'm not even sure that I connected it into the realm of normal academic schooling because you go to specific "law schools" and you study law. It's a category of its own. At least that's what I thought. Now I know that in order to get your doctorate of jurisprudence (J.D.) you have to go through a law program at an accredited school and it falls into the category of a Graduate School Program. Who knew? Not me.
Second though, maybe that's a good idea. It would give me something to study. I'd have a direction to go. Wandering aimlessly in life without direction or purpose is horrifying to me. Now I'd have a direction. And UNM is one of the best law schools in the country. Lawyers will always have a job, and there is financial security. I can live a comfortable lifestyle. But would I enjoy it?
I remembered what I felt last year, and so I decided, "Why don't I look into this? It wouldn't hurt to look." So I did. I looked at UNM first because it's in my hometown of Albuquerque, started to read about their program, and look at various aspects about what law school entailed. It was one of the most interesting things I've ever looked at! So I decided maybe it's worth a shot. I looked at various requirements to get in, and started to think, "You know, I could probably do this." I kept hearing about the LSAT (Law School Admissions Test), and so I looked into what that was. I read about it and while they kept saying it was super difficult, it just didn't sound that hard to me. I figured a better test of that would be to look at practice questions to use as a better judge. Of all the questions I took (granted, it wasn't that many), I got about 90% of them right. I wasn't actually trying. So now I'm thinking that with some preparation, I could actually do this.
The classes sound crazy interesting. Stereotype law sounds horrendous, but I think about all my experience with law (about 4 college classes worth) and I realize that I loved all of it. So which is a better indication of what I'd think about it, a stereotype from a place that always fucks up everything and doesn't get anything right, or classes that focus on it and are way closer to the actuality of it than television could ever get? It was at this point that I decided to go to law school.
So this is my plan now. While graduating next May was only a possibility, I intend on making it a reality. Law schools only start in the fall semesters, so if I graduated in December I'd have to kill eight months before I could start school. I need at least decent grades, so I'm determined to do well academically as best I can this semester and for certain for my last three. I am going to spend this summer studying my ass off for the LSAT, and I am going to take it in October. By February of next year I will have my application completed for UNM. And I am going to get in.
Last year, I was taking a criminal justice class where my teacher prompted discussions and thought about criminal cases. I didn't talk much, but it always made me think of what my position would be and for the first time challenged me to defend it. I loved it. So my dad said again what I had heard so long ago, "Have you thought about being a lawyer? It's very similar to what you're experiencing, and you would be really good at it." I thought about it, but I was still stuck on the idea that I wanted to do forensic work, be a criminal profiler, all of that fun jazz. Plus, I was thinking about lawyers with the stereotype that Hollywood projects. So, while it spiked my interest a bit, I put it in a back corner of my mind.
This semester, my science classes for my degree have been kicking my ass. I've gotten so frustrated with it that I've been tempted to just give up on science and major in something else. So I added a second major, Psychology. Contradictory, yes, but in the pathway of becoming a profiler, it makes sense. While I wanted to drop Forensic Biology, though, I realized just how close I was to graduating with that degree, and it seemed like a waste of time and energy to not follow through. I only have a year left. One year, and I will be done with Forensic Biology. And I learned that I could finish Psychology as well. This means that this time a year from now, I will be 20 years old and about to finish college with two undergraduate degrees. Intense, I know.
I was talking to my dad about finishing school next May and he brought up grad school. He asked if I thought about it and what I wanted to do once I graduated. I told him I really didn't know. It's true. The thought of graduating is amazing. The sense of accomplishment I'd have is absurd. To me, graduating like that would make up (in my mind) for all of my academic failures in the past. It would be the statement that says, "Look at me! I'm smart! I can do whatever I want to do and nothing will hold me back!" So while I'm stoked to graduate, I'm also horrified, because what am I supposed to do after I graduate? I'd have a degree in Forensic Bio and another in Psychology. What the hell do I do with that? I don't want to work in a lab. Being a psychologist isn't bad, but honestly, the likelihood have having guaranteed work in this economy is low. So no. I don't know. So my dad brings up grad school and I'm thinking, "Well crap, I could go but I don't know what I'd study and how would I pay for it and there's a myriad of problems and questions and issues to think about before I could possibly go." His suggestion: What about law school?
First off, until this point I didn't even know that law school was a graduate program. I'm not even sure that I connected it into the realm of normal academic schooling because you go to specific "law schools" and you study law. It's a category of its own. At least that's what I thought. Now I know that in order to get your doctorate of jurisprudence (J.D.) you have to go through a law program at an accredited school and it falls into the category of a Graduate School Program. Who knew? Not me.
Second though, maybe that's a good idea. It would give me something to study. I'd have a direction to go. Wandering aimlessly in life without direction or purpose is horrifying to me. Now I'd have a direction. And UNM is one of the best law schools in the country. Lawyers will always have a job, and there is financial security. I can live a comfortable lifestyle. But would I enjoy it?
I remembered what I felt last year, and so I decided, "Why don't I look into this? It wouldn't hurt to look." So I did. I looked at UNM first because it's in my hometown of Albuquerque, started to read about their program, and look at various aspects about what law school entailed. It was one of the most interesting things I've ever looked at! So I decided maybe it's worth a shot. I looked at various requirements to get in, and started to think, "You know, I could probably do this." I kept hearing about the LSAT (Law School Admissions Test), and so I looked into what that was. I read about it and while they kept saying it was super difficult, it just didn't sound that hard to me. I figured a better test of that would be to look at practice questions to use as a better judge. Of all the questions I took (granted, it wasn't that many), I got about 90% of them right. I wasn't actually trying. So now I'm thinking that with some preparation, I could actually do this.
The classes sound crazy interesting. Stereotype law sounds horrendous, but I think about all my experience with law (about 4 college classes worth) and I realize that I loved all of it. So which is a better indication of what I'd think about it, a stereotype from a place that always fucks up everything and doesn't get anything right, or classes that focus on it and are way closer to the actuality of it than television could ever get? It was at this point that I decided to go to law school.
So this is my plan now. While graduating next May was only a possibility, I intend on making it a reality. Law schools only start in the fall semesters, so if I graduated in December I'd have to kill eight months before I could start school. I need at least decent grades, so I'm determined to do well academically as best I can this semester and for certain for my last three. I am going to spend this summer studying my ass off for the LSAT, and I am going to take it in October. By February of next year I will have my application completed for UNM. And I am going to get in.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Pets
You know, there is some reason for why it is that I don't have pets right now aside from the minor detail that the house I live in won't allow them. It's because they're so much work! Don't get me wrong, I love them to death, but I'm way too self absorbed to be able to properly care for another creature other than myself. Although I guess that's why I don't want a kid either, because it would be having to worry about something more than myself and right now it's hard enough to take care of me. So I want to get my shit together first.
Alright, so it's kind of a random subject, but I'm taking care of my boyfriend's mom's new puppy and it's a crazy little thing! Doesn't help that my boyfriend has a jealous kitten who doesn't like the attention the puppy gets. Anyway, both are adorable, but it's still a good reminder of why I don't have pets. The cat isn't so bad, but the dog is an attention whore. But then again, aren't all dogs? So I plan to get a cat to keep me company on those lonely nights when I have no one but the cat and myself for company. And they are awesome. Crazy, yes, but I still love them. It's just that dogs need so much more love then I can give them. Thus, no dogs for me. At least, not for a while. And same with kids. No babies until my life is under control.
Alright, so it's kind of a random subject, but I'm taking care of my boyfriend's mom's new puppy and it's a crazy little thing! Doesn't help that my boyfriend has a jealous kitten who doesn't like the attention the puppy gets. Anyway, both are adorable, but it's still a good reminder of why I don't have pets. The cat isn't so bad, but the dog is an attention whore. But then again, aren't all dogs? So I plan to get a cat to keep me company on those lonely nights when I have no one but the cat and myself for company. And they are awesome. Crazy, yes, but I still love them. It's just that dogs need so much more love then I can give them. Thus, no dogs for me. At least, not for a while. And same with kids. No babies until my life is under control.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Things I wish I had the balls to say to people
1. I loved you. I really did. But you took that and destroyed it into hundreds of thousands of little pieces. And I don't think you understand the depth at which you destroyed me. I was a mess for two years and now you come back wanting to make it all better. I hate it. But I think I've moved on. I don't mind being your friend but I want nothing more because you've hurt me so bad that I can't not feel it. My body has gone numb to you and I don't feel anything for you. And I don't know if I ever will. So maybe we can be friends. But I can't pour my heart into you. And maybe you changed, and while I can see the compassion in your eyes you're still the exact same person you were when I left you. And I need more than that in my life. So thanks for teaching me how to get the fuck over you and move on with my life. But please, let me be happy with someone else.
2. I might love you. Maybe. But you know what sucks? You still love your ex. And let me tell you, I know exactly how that goes. And you know what else that means? It doesn't matter how much I care about you. It doesn't matter that I might possibly love you because in the end you won't feel shit about me because you still love her. I've fought tooth and nail for you for five months. You tell me you've done nothing with other people and yet I have friends who've said they've seen you with others. So who do I believe? I stand up for you, I fight for you, and yet you are still so in love with her that you can't see that. So why am I still fighting? Why am I still trying? We're just going to keep using each other for momentary pleasure and comfort while we lose ourselves in the depths of our minds. Neither one of us opens up to the other because we're scared shitless. But love takes work and if you didn't get hurt then it wasn't worth it. So I'm going to move on. I'm sorry. I tried. I tried to be there for you when no one else would. But you always kept me at a distance. So now I need to move on because I need someone to be there for me when I need them and you're not.
3. What the fuck happened to you? You were such a sweet guy? Honestly, I did care about you. Maybe I didn't love you. But I did care. And you threw that away! What the hell?! Why did you become like this? If it was because of me, I'm sorry. I know I have the tendency to destroy people. Especially the ones closest to me. But still. You had your friends and yet you turned your back on every single one of them and became someone you're not. If I could have told you six months ago about the person you are now, I think you would laugh and say that's ridiculous. But I can't say anything to you now because you won't listen to me or anyone else. What happened to you? It hurts seeing you like this. I just wish you could see. And maybe we could understand why. It just doesn't make sense. I told you everything and you left, too. Way too lie like everyone else. Thanks.
4. Seriously, I'm not angry that you wanted sex and that's the only reason you began talking to me. I'm not angry about that. I could really care less. Honestly, you have no idea how many guys have just come up to me and said, "Hey, I want to fuck you." It happens. What I'm angry about is that you made me believe you were different. You convinced me that you were there for me, that you were interested in me, that you saw me as a person that no one else saw me as this whole semester. You took me seriously, listened to my thoughts, my opinions, my ideas. You took time to understand me. You asked me about myself. You acted like you wanted to know me. It meant so much to me because no one's done that, just ask question after question about me not because they felt they had to but because they honestly wanted to. And then I found out that all of that was a lie. I honestly believe that it did change. I believe you when you say that it moved beyond sex. Even though we never did, I know you wanted to. But I know that wasn't your driving motive. It just bothers me that when you came to me under the pretext of wanting to know me unlike everyone else who just saw me as a stupid blond who can't think and is just another sorority girl, it hurt to find out that all you had wanted was sex. Just like everyone else. That's why I was angry. Because it felt like everything that had made the basis of our friendship was a lie. I felt like I couldn't trust you anymore. I felt like suddenly it didn't matter what I said, you didn't actually care. That's why I was angry. I felt betrayed and like I'd lost yet another close friend.
5. I'm just not interested. Stop asking me for sex. Stop asking me for alone time. You aren't the only one asking either. But I'm not just an object for you to use and manipulate. So leave me the fuck alone and let me get on with my life. Casually fucking isn't something I do. So find someone else.
6. Stop treating me like you're fucking superior to me!!! You aren't! The world does not revolve around you. You're an insecure child. Stop acting like you know everything and that I know nothing. I'm not just pretty, there's more to me than that. But you wouldn't actually know that unless you talked to me. But no, it's just you who does all the talking and talking down on me. Leave me the fuck alone. If you can't respect me I wish you could just let me be.
7. I like you, but only as a friend. I don't know what they told you about me, but I'm fucked up this semester. Sure, I may be awesome when my shit's together, but it's not right now. And I like you as a person, but I can't see anything more than friendship between us. So tell them to stop pushing you. I know you deserve a great person in your life, but I can also tell you that right now that person isn't me. I'm only going to hurt you more. So please, let me be.
8. I like you. I really do. And you know what? Maybe we can be more than friends. You're funny, you're smart, you make me laugh. You think, you're Greek, and you're close by. You care, you'd treat me well, and you have a fantastic choice in books. I think that things could really work out. Since I'm moving on from other people, I really want to pursue you. You seem super awesome and I want to see where this goes. No matter what anyone thinks.
9. I'm not perfect. Get over it. I know you don't know the semester I've had, but I've been doing damn good despite that. I know I wasn't perfect, but don't hold it against me. I won't bring her down with me, she's smarter than that. I know she has more of a future than I do. So focus on her. She loves you guys. But don't take it for granted because it won't always be there if you do.
10. Girl, I miss you like crazy. What the fuck? But you're always busy. Always. I want to spend time with you. We hardly ever see each other. But I miss you and you say you miss me too but yet you don't try to see me. I know your life is important to you. I can respect that. But sometimes I just need a friend who's been there through it all to give me a hug and let me cry because boys are stupid and break hearts. And everyone needs some girl time.
11. Stop bitching. Your life is fine. Stop harassing me. You don't take my advice anyway. So get the fuck over it, stop making all this drama for you, and grow up. If you really wanted my advice, you'd take it and then you wouldn't keep running into the same problems. Trust me, it's getting old.
12. You are awesome. I'm sorry I'm not there for you more. You really are amazing. I'm sorry I fail at being a good sister to you.
13. You guys fucking suck. I wish you hadn't gotten the offices you did. I'm sure there were better people for it. But it's too late now so I'll suck it up. I just thought you guys should know.
14. I know you guys care, but can you please back the fuck off. I'm making my own mistakes that I can use later to learn from. These are experiences I need, and it doesn't help to have you acting like my parent. Just be my friend and be there for me when it all blows up in my face just like you said it would.
2. I might love you. Maybe. But you know what sucks? You still love your ex. And let me tell you, I know exactly how that goes. And you know what else that means? It doesn't matter how much I care about you. It doesn't matter that I might possibly love you because in the end you won't feel shit about me because you still love her. I've fought tooth and nail for you for five months. You tell me you've done nothing with other people and yet I have friends who've said they've seen you with others. So who do I believe? I stand up for you, I fight for you, and yet you are still so in love with her that you can't see that. So why am I still fighting? Why am I still trying? We're just going to keep using each other for momentary pleasure and comfort while we lose ourselves in the depths of our minds. Neither one of us opens up to the other because we're scared shitless. But love takes work and if you didn't get hurt then it wasn't worth it. So I'm going to move on. I'm sorry. I tried. I tried to be there for you when no one else would. But you always kept me at a distance. So now I need to move on because I need someone to be there for me when I need them and you're not.
3. What the fuck happened to you? You were such a sweet guy? Honestly, I did care about you. Maybe I didn't love you. But I did care. And you threw that away! What the hell?! Why did you become like this? If it was because of me, I'm sorry. I know I have the tendency to destroy people. Especially the ones closest to me. But still. You had your friends and yet you turned your back on every single one of them and became someone you're not. If I could have told you six months ago about the person you are now, I think you would laugh and say that's ridiculous. But I can't say anything to you now because you won't listen to me or anyone else. What happened to you? It hurts seeing you like this. I just wish you could see. And maybe we could understand why. It just doesn't make sense. I told you everything and you left, too. Way too lie like everyone else. Thanks.
4. Seriously, I'm not angry that you wanted sex and that's the only reason you began talking to me. I'm not angry about that. I could really care less. Honestly, you have no idea how many guys have just come up to me and said, "Hey, I want to fuck you." It happens. What I'm angry about is that you made me believe you were different. You convinced me that you were there for me, that you were interested in me, that you saw me as a person that no one else saw me as this whole semester. You took me seriously, listened to my thoughts, my opinions, my ideas. You took time to understand me. You asked me about myself. You acted like you wanted to know me. It meant so much to me because no one's done that, just ask question after question about me not because they felt they had to but because they honestly wanted to. And then I found out that all of that was a lie. I honestly believe that it did change. I believe you when you say that it moved beyond sex. Even though we never did, I know you wanted to. But I know that wasn't your driving motive. It just bothers me that when you came to me under the pretext of wanting to know me unlike everyone else who just saw me as a stupid blond who can't think and is just another sorority girl, it hurt to find out that all you had wanted was sex. Just like everyone else. That's why I was angry. Because it felt like everything that had made the basis of our friendship was a lie. I felt like I couldn't trust you anymore. I felt like suddenly it didn't matter what I said, you didn't actually care. That's why I was angry. I felt betrayed and like I'd lost yet another close friend.
5. I'm just not interested. Stop asking me for sex. Stop asking me for alone time. You aren't the only one asking either. But I'm not just an object for you to use and manipulate. So leave me the fuck alone and let me get on with my life. Casually fucking isn't something I do. So find someone else.
6. Stop treating me like you're fucking superior to me!!! You aren't! The world does not revolve around you. You're an insecure child. Stop acting like you know everything and that I know nothing. I'm not just pretty, there's more to me than that. But you wouldn't actually know that unless you talked to me. But no, it's just you who does all the talking and talking down on me. Leave me the fuck alone. If you can't respect me I wish you could just let me be.
7. I like you, but only as a friend. I don't know what they told you about me, but I'm fucked up this semester. Sure, I may be awesome when my shit's together, but it's not right now. And I like you as a person, but I can't see anything more than friendship between us. So tell them to stop pushing you. I know you deserve a great person in your life, but I can also tell you that right now that person isn't me. I'm only going to hurt you more. So please, let me be.
8. I like you. I really do. And you know what? Maybe we can be more than friends. You're funny, you're smart, you make me laugh. You think, you're Greek, and you're close by. You care, you'd treat me well, and you have a fantastic choice in books. I think that things could really work out. Since I'm moving on from other people, I really want to pursue you. You seem super awesome and I want to see where this goes. No matter what anyone thinks.
9. I'm not perfect. Get over it. I know you don't know the semester I've had, but I've been doing damn good despite that. I know I wasn't perfect, but don't hold it against me. I won't bring her down with me, she's smarter than that. I know she has more of a future than I do. So focus on her. She loves you guys. But don't take it for granted because it won't always be there if you do.
10. Girl, I miss you like crazy. What the fuck? But you're always busy. Always. I want to spend time with you. We hardly ever see each other. But I miss you and you say you miss me too but yet you don't try to see me. I know your life is important to you. I can respect that. But sometimes I just need a friend who's been there through it all to give me a hug and let me cry because boys are stupid and break hearts. And everyone needs some girl time.
11. Stop bitching. Your life is fine. Stop harassing me. You don't take my advice anyway. So get the fuck over it, stop making all this drama for you, and grow up. If you really wanted my advice, you'd take it and then you wouldn't keep running into the same problems. Trust me, it's getting old.
12. You are awesome. I'm sorry I'm not there for you more. You really are amazing. I'm sorry I fail at being a good sister to you.
13. You guys fucking suck. I wish you hadn't gotten the offices you did. I'm sure there were better people for it. But it's too late now so I'll suck it up. I just thought you guys should know.
14. I know you guys care, but can you please back the fuck off. I'm making my own mistakes that I can use later to learn from. These are experiences I need, and it doesn't help to have you acting like my parent. Just be my friend and be there for me when it all blows up in my face just like you said it would.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Medication
Yeah, I'm bipolar, and yes, I'm medicated for it. And if you saw how I was before I got meds, and you saw how I was after I got them, you know they help. So you're probably wondering why I went almost three months without them after 8 months on them. I know I need them, so why wouldn't I just make a simple phone call? I kept saying it was because I didn't like calling people and that I was too busy, but that really wasn't it. The truth is, I hate being medicated.
It isn't that weird shit happens to me or that it takes away from who I am or anything like that. On the contrary, I'm way better when I'm on them. I know that. My thing is that I wish I didn't have to be dependent on some kind of chemical to make me normal. I was able to live the first 18 years of my life without it and being relatively sane, so why couldn't I do it now, right? Being dependent on something just makes me feel weak, like I can't provide for myself. I feel like I fail because I can't be normal because I'm stuck taking medication so that I don't go from suicidal to high-risk behavior to angry to overly confident to apathetic to super bubbly. I hate it. So I didn't replace my meds for almost three months because I wanted to prove to myself that I could live without them and be fine. And it took me that long to figure out that I can't And now I just feel like a failure.
My councilor that I'm seeing right now says that being bipolar is a chemical condition that I can't control. It doesn't change the fact that I feel like I should be able to have full control over my body and I don't. I know I can't do anything about it and that I have to have the medication to be normal. Too bad it sucks and I wish with everything I have that I wasn't this way. Hell, I've only taken two pills and I'm already feeling better. I mean, fuck. Why do I have to be like this? This is one of the worst feelings ever. Plus, have you ever looked at side effects of these medications? It's ridiculous!! Let me tell you what the side affects are listed for on what I'm taking:
SIDE EFFECTS that may occur while taking this medicine include decreased sexual desire or ability; diarrhea; dizziness; drowsiness; dry mouth; increased sweating; lightheadedness when you stand or sit up; loss of appetite; nausea; stuffy nose; or tiredness. If they continue or are bothersome, check with your doctor. CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY if you experience absent menstrual period; bizarre behavior; black or bloody stools; chest pain; confusion; decreased concentration; decreased coordination; fainting; fast or irregular heartbeat; hallucination; memory loss; new or worsening agitation, panic attacks, aggressiveness, impulsiveness, irritability, hostility, exaggerated feeling of well-being, restlessness, or inability to sit still; persistent, painful erection; red, swollen, blistered, or peeling skin; seizures; severe or persistent anxiety or trouble sleeping; severe or persistent headache; stomach pain; suicidal thoughts or attempts; tremor; unusual bruising or bleeding; unusual weakness; unusual or severe mental or mood changes; vision changes; or worsening of depression. AN ALLERGIC REACTION to this medicine is unlikely, but seek immediate medical attention if it occurs. Symptoms of an allergic reaction include rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue. This is not a complete list of all side effects that may occur. If you have questions about side effects, contact your health care provider. Call your doctor for medical advice about side effects. You may report side effects to FDA at 1-800-FDA-1088
Dead serious, that is the list, word for word, given to me by the pharmacy with the mediation. How are you supposed to feel when you read something like that, knowing that a drug that has the potential to do all of that is being voluntarily placed in your body for the hope of getting "better"? I mean, really, it's scary shit. And then I wonder what kind of stuff that happens to me is a side effect of the medication or just me being crazy. How do I know if it is really working the way it's supposed to or to its full potential? It just sucks.
I hate being medicated. I hate saying that I need it. I hate knowing I need it. What's worse is telling people about it. You tell someone you're bipolar and they flip out on you thinking that you're going to go crazy on them. Look, I'm fine. I think. Maybe I'm not. Maybe it is the safe thing for people to stay away from me; fewer people would be hurt by me then. I'm tired of making people hurt because of me. Maybe I should just go elsewhere or excommunicate myself so that people will stop being hurt because of me.
It isn't that weird shit happens to me or that it takes away from who I am or anything like that. On the contrary, I'm way better when I'm on them. I know that. My thing is that I wish I didn't have to be dependent on some kind of chemical to make me normal. I was able to live the first 18 years of my life without it and being relatively sane, so why couldn't I do it now, right? Being dependent on something just makes me feel weak, like I can't provide for myself. I feel like I fail because I can't be normal because I'm stuck taking medication so that I don't go from suicidal to high-risk behavior to angry to overly confident to apathetic to super bubbly. I hate it. So I didn't replace my meds for almost three months because I wanted to prove to myself that I could live without them and be fine. And it took me that long to figure out that I can't And now I just feel like a failure.
My councilor that I'm seeing right now says that being bipolar is a chemical condition that I can't control. It doesn't change the fact that I feel like I should be able to have full control over my body and I don't. I know I can't do anything about it and that I have to have the medication to be normal. Too bad it sucks and I wish with everything I have that I wasn't this way. Hell, I've only taken two pills and I'm already feeling better. I mean, fuck. Why do I have to be like this? This is one of the worst feelings ever. Plus, have you ever looked at side effects of these medications? It's ridiculous!! Let me tell you what the side affects are listed for on what I'm taking:
SIDE EFFECTS that may occur while taking this medicine include decreased sexual desire or ability; diarrhea; dizziness; drowsiness; dry mouth; increased sweating; lightheadedness when you stand or sit up; loss of appetite; nausea; stuffy nose; or tiredness. If they continue or are bothersome, check with your doctor. CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY if you experience absent menstrual period; bizarre behavior; black or bloody stools; chest pain; confusion; decreased concentration; decreased coordination; fainting; fast or irregular heartbeat; hallucination; memory loss; new or worsening agitation, panic attacks, aggressiveness, impulsiveness, irritability, hostility, exaggerated feeling of well-being, restlessness, or inability to sit still; persistent, painful erection; red, swollen, blistered, or peeling skin; seizures; severe or persistent anxiety or trouble sleeping; severe or persistent headache; stomach pain; suicidal thoughts or attempts; tremor; unusual bruising or bleeding; unusual weakness; unusual or severe mental or mood changes; vision changes; or worsening of depression. AN ALLERGIC REACTION to this medicine is unlikely, but seek immediate medical attention if it occurs. Symptoms of an allergic reaction include rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue. This is not a complete list of all side effects that may occur. If you have questions about side effects, contact your health care provider. Call your doctor for medical advice about side effects. You may report side effects to FDA at 1-800-FDA-1088
Dead serious, that is the list, word for word, given to me by the pharmacy with the mediation. How are you supposed to feel when you read something like that, knowing that a drug that has the potential to do all of that is being voluntarily placed in your body for the hope of getting "better"? I mean, really, it's scary shit. And then I wonder what kind of stuff that happens to me is a side effect of the medication or just me being crazy. How do I know if it is really working the way it's supposed to or to its full potential? It just sucks.
I hate being medicated. I hate saying that I need it. I hate knowing I need it. What's worse is telling people about it. You tell someone you're bipolar and they flip out on you thinking that you're going to go crazy on them. Look, I'm fine. I think. Maybe I'm not. Maybe it is the safe thing for people to stay away from me; fewer people would be hurt by me then. I'm tired of making people hurt because of me. Maybe I should just go elsewhere or excommunicate myself so that people will stop being hurt because of me.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Odd Thought
You know what is one of the strangest feelings in the world? Being in a ridiculously amazing mood (which I was fortunate enough to find myself in yesterday) but then at the same time start having weird little insecurities pop up out of nowhere. It was almost comical how it all played out.
Basically, I was on the phone with Chris last night. I was feeling amazing because of life and everything being so great (as stated in past blog). As we were talking, though, random insecure thoughts kept popping up. Part of me was laughing, part of me was like, "Really, Krista, really?" and then part of me was trembling in fear that it was true. It was just stupid stuff like, "My legs are so scrawny", (wtf, I know) "My boobs are too big", "Am I really adorable like Chris says?", "What if I'm not smart at all?", etc. And part of me was just laughing hysterically at it.
Really, the insecurities were stupid. And I was feeling absolutely phenomenal about myself and life. So I couldn't believe that I was actually having thoughts like that. It made me laugh because it was just so silly and out of the blue. It didn't make sense and, especially insecurities pertaining to Chris, I was laughing at how far off base I was to even have thoughts like that.
Another part of me was just stunned with disbelief that the thoughts could have come up in the first place. It was incredulous that I could ever think such things, especially about Chris!!! And so I just stared at myself like, "Really, wtf. You're done. No. No more talking. You aren't aloud to talk anymore until your stupidity wears off." It was just pure annoyance that something so stupid could fester in my brain and wait to destroy me like a little time bomb counting down till I hit a moment of depression or something so that then it could completely destroy my mind. Holy crap! I'm a mind ninja to myself!!! 0.0 Scary!!
And the last part of me was scared to death that all of it was true. Trembling in the dark little places in my mind, I was cowering with fear that all my insecurities were based on fact. I guess it kind of goes back to that saying, You are your own worst enemy. And I am. I am the most critical person to myself. I judge myself harder than anyone else does. I verbally attack myself all the time. It's just not cool. Bleh!
Well, let's just say that being torn in those three directions is no fun. Nope. It's the oddest sensation ever. But it makes me laugh at the same time. So maybe next time when I'm feeling down on myself and like I'm worthless to the world I should take a step back and find the humor about all that I'm telling myself. Because I am amazing and I deserve better than what I treat myself with.
Basically, I was on the phone with Chris last night. I was feeling amazing because of life and everything being so great (as stated in past blog). As we were talking, though, random insecure thoughts kept popping up. Part of me was laughing, part of me was like, "Really, Krista, really?" and then part of me was trembling in fear that it was true. It was just stupid stuff like, "My legs are so scrawny", (wtf, I know) "My boobs are too big", "Am I really adorable like Chris says?", "What if I'm not smart at all?", etc. And part of me was just laughing hysterically at it.
Really, the insecurities were stupid. And I was feeling absolutely phenomenal about myself and life. So I couldn't believe that I was actually having thoughts like that. It made me laugh because it was just so silly and out of the blue. It didn't make sense and, especially insecurities pertaining to Chris, I was laughing at how far off base I was to even have thoughts like that.
Another part of me was just stunned with disbelief that the thoughts could have come up in the first place. It was incredulous that I could ever think such things, especially about Chris!!! And so I just stared at myself like, "Really, wtf. You're done. No. No more talking. You aren't aloud to talk anymore until your stupidity wears off." It was just pure annoyance that something so stupid could fester in my brain and wait to destroy me like a little time bomb counting down till I hit a moment of depression or something so that then it could completely destroy my mind. Holy crap! I'm a mind ninja to myself!!! 0.0 Scary!!
And the last part of me was scared to death that all of it was true. Trembling in the dark little places in my mind, I was cowering with fear that all my insecurities were based on fact. I guess it kind of goes back to that saying, You are your own worst enemy. And I am. I am the most critical person to myself. I judge myself harder than anyone else does. I verbally attack myself all the time. It's just not cool. Bleh!
Well, let's just say that being torn in those three directions is no fun. Nope. It's the oddest sensation ever. But it makes me laugh at the same time. So maybe next time when I'm feeling down on myself and like I'm worthless to the world I should take a step back and find the humor about all that I'm telling myself. Because I am amazing and I deserve better than what I treat myself with.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Life!
Life. Is. Crazy. But then again, who's life isn't? I've been crazy stressed out, on the edge of psychosis, struggling to stay alive, see friends, I'm head-over-heels in love, and somehow I'm still alive. I don't get it. After my meltdown on Monday, I spent substantial time on Tuesday trying to figure out what is stressing me out in life. Without finishing the list, I got up to 73 reasons. Again, I don't know how I'm not dead. I think it's Chris keeping me alive and giving me a reason to keep trying. All my friends say we're disgustingly adorable but I just don't care, actually. I love him too much to really pay attention to people and what they say. So for the remaining four weeks of school I'm going to continue trying just because of him. =]
Monday, March 2, 2009
Random Thought
Alright, so today I was riding in the car on the way to Clovis with my roommate and her mom and a thought occurred to me. I started thinking about adults. Me, I'm a young adult rapidly approaching my life and I'm starting to think about these things more. I noticed that I'm thinking "more like an adult". Weird, aye? But then I started to wonder.
First thought: What is it that makes the majority of adults follow the same basic lines for behavior? Is it a societal thing? Maybe pressures of working, raising a family, focus on the economy, having to make ends meet, maybe all of that combined is what makes adults the way they are. But then I remembered that most adults were not that different from myself and my peers when they were are age. So:
Second thought: What if when my peers and I grow into adults we act like adults of today? That put me on a little back track. So I really got to thinking on this.
If adults were like myself and my peers when they were our age, what is it that made them change? If I could figure it out, maybe I could find a way to prevent it. I mean, I feel as if it's a bit of a loss to "act like an adult" in the general sense of the phrase. It's like all these adults have lost a very significant part of themselves in their transition from childhood to adulthood. I think that's tragic. People have so much energy and vitality and just a joy to live (for the most part) when they're younger, yet by the time they hit 30 and start having kids and a family and a job it's like all of that gets sucked out of them and they become something that even they themselves don't recognize. How sad is that?
And then it made me wonder, what if my peers and myself become like that? What if we loose the joy and vitality that we have? Thinking of myself, my friends, people I interact with losing what makes them who they are is one of the saddest thoughts I've had in a while. I thought of all the people I care about and what about them that makes me appreciate them so much, and I thought of them losing that to the pressures of adulthood. It was so depressing!
So now I find myself utterly determined to keep what makes me who I am alive until I die. I refuse to let my fun-loving, free spirit be trapped by the trials of the society I live in. I want my children to know that I love life and that adults are still kids at heart. I am determined to keep me who I am no matter what life throws at me.
First thought: What is it that makes the majority of adults follow the same basic lines for behavior? Is it a societal thing? Maybe pressures of working, raising a family, focus on the economy, having to make ends meet, maybe all of that combined is what makes adults the way they are. But then I remembered that most adults were not that different from myself and my peers when they were are age. So:
Second thought: What if when my peers and I grow into adults we act like adults of today? That put me on a little back track. So I really got to thinking on this.
If adults were like myself and my peers when they were our age, what is it that made them change? If I could figure it out, maybe I could find a way to prevent it. I mean, I feel as if it's a bit of a loss to "act like an adult" in the general sense of the phrase. It's like all these adults have lost a very significant part of themselves in their transition from childhood to adulthood. I think that's tragic. People have so much energy and vitality and just a joy to live (for the most part) when they're younger, yet by the time they hit 30 and start having kids and a family and a job it's like all of that gets sucked out of them and they become something that even they themselves don't recognize. How sad is that?
And then it made me wonder, what if my peers and myself become like that? What if we loose the joy and vitality that we have? Thinking of myself, my friends, people I interact with losing what makes them who they are is one of the saddest thoughts I've had in a while. I thought of all the people I care about and what about them that makes me appreciate them so much, and I thought of them losing that to the pressures of adulthood. It was so depressing!
So now I find myself utterly determined to keep what makes me who I am alive until I die. I refuse to let my fun-loving, free spirit be trapped by the trials of the society I live in. I want my children to know that I love life and that adults are still kids at heart. I am determined to keep me who I am no matter what life throws at me.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Personality
I have a question to you who take the time out of your busy lives to read this blog. Is it wrong to be true to yourself? On face value, I'd say no. But then you have to look a bit closer. What if who you really are isn't who people think? What if who you really are is, to put it nicely, very unfriendly? Society teaches us to be true to ourselves, but we're also taught that there is the ideal person that we all should strive to be. I've been that person my whole life, but what if who I really am is the complete opposite? Would it still be correct to be true to myself, or should I keep who I really am under the highest security lock-down my mind can create? Who I am is not what others want me to be, in fact, it's the exact opposite. On face value, I should say, "To hell with you!!" and move on with my life being who I am and never taking a moment to think about what others think of me, let alone what they want me to be. But if who I really am is a "monster" (at least, as seen my the whole of society), should I really do that, or should I keep on the path that was set before me by the world as a whole? It's a question I've been thinking of. While I think the outcome is unavoidable, I thought I'd pose the question to you. What do you think?
Monday, September 1, 2008
First Weekend Home
So, obviously by the title, I went home this past Labor Day weekend. Reason being that I was going to get a new phone and my sister's birthday is on the 31st. So I went home.
It was weird when I left. I felt like I was leaving a part of my soul behind. It made me sad. Still, I was excited to be on the road, so I didn't complain.
I met up with my parents and we chillaxed together on the way home. We all started sharing stories and I told a bunch of my great college stories. It was fun, minus the fact that all four of us were talking at the same time, talking louder and louder trying to be heard by no one who was actually paying attention.
The next day was alright; I continued on like I was still at school. By the afternoon however, I had started to fall by into the same pattern that I'd been living my life in for the past three months. It was weird. As I was going to sleep, it felt like my two weeks at school had been nothing more than a dream of a perfect life that I could never, ever have, and that I was stuck in a place I would never be free from.
Sunday wasn't bad, but it was hard. By the end of the day, I was so frustrated with everything that I was even considering just leaving. However, I couldn't really do that because I'd feel too guilty and because I was giving Kim a ride home the next day. Anyway, it wasn't a great day. Basically, I think it was just that it felt SOmuch like my life when it sucked that I wanted to get away more than anything else, to be reminded that the last two weeks actually happened.
Anyway, today I came home. It was good, but I wasn't all for the driving for five hours. Don't get me wrong, I love driving, it's just that I was really tired is all. Doesn't help that the landscape only gets duller the longer you're driving. Even while I was driving, it still felt like I'd show up and nothing would be here to ever prove that the source of all my happiness would exist. Still, once I got here, it didn't really change.
I got back to school this afternoon and it felt as if I had merely fallen asleep again and I just picked up on my dream where I had left off. It was weird. It still feels a bit surreal. I've got everything I brought all put away and I'm already starting to get back into the swing of things, but I still feel like I'm going to wake up any moment in my bed in a hell I'll never escape. It's weird.
It was weird when I left. I felt like I was leaving a part of my soul behind. It made me sad. Still, I was excited to be on the road, so I didn't complain.
I met up with my parents and we chillaxed together on the way home. We all started sharing stories and I told a bunch of my great college stories. It was fun, minus the fact that all four of us were talking at the same time, talking louder and louder trying to be heard by no one who was actually paying attention.
The next day was alright; I continued on like I was still at school. By the afternoon however, I had started to fall by into the same pattern that I'd been living my life in for the past three months. It was weird. As I was going to sleep, it felt like my two weeks at school had been nothing more than a dream of a perfect life that I could never, ever have, and that I was stuck in a place I would never be free from.
Sunday wasn't bad, but it was hard. By the end of the day, I was so frustrated with everything that I was even considering just leaving. However, I couldn't really do that because I'd feel too guilty and because I was giving Kim a ride home the next day. Anyway, it wasn't a great day. Basically, I think it was just that it felt SOmuch like my life when it sucked that I wanted to get away more than anything else, to be reminded that the last two weeks actually happened.
Anyway, today I came home. It was good, but I wasn't all for the driving for five hours. Don't get me wrong, I love driving, it's just that I was really tired is all. Doesn't help that the landscape only gets duller the longer you're driving. Even while I was driving, it still felt like I'd show up and nothing would be here to ever prove that the source of all my happiness would exist. Still, once I got here, it didn't really change.
I got back to school this afternoon and it felt as if I had merely fallen asleep again and I just picked up on my dream where I had left off. It was weird. It still feels a bit surreal. I've got everything I brought all put away and I'm already starting to get back into the swing of things, but I still feel like I'm going to wake up any moment in my bed in a hell I'll never escape. It's weird.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Church
So my friend Kim wanted to go to church today because she's exploring the different churches in the area and she wanted a buddy to go with her so I volunteered. Well, we went to Calvary Baptist Church. If you know me and my religious views, you know this would be a bit...interesting... I am part Wiccan, part Buddhist, and part Science of Mind (refer back to my blog post where I talk about my church ACSL). I wasn't too enthused about going to a church where they praise Jesus like a he's a God himself and where they focus on intense religious aspects. It's not that I mind what they believe, it's just that I don't really like to go with it. Anyway, we get there and something happened while we were there.
During the service it finally clicked on what my church has been telling me for ages. It's something I've known for years, but I don't think that I fully grasped it mind and soul until today. God is in everything, and you should be able to see it in everyone and everything. As Siddhartha Gautama, the founder of Buddhism, puts it, "He who experiences the unity of life sees his own Self i all beings, and all beings in his own Self, and looks on everything with an impartial eye." That saying is on a poster in my dorm room, and I see it every day. In church they tell us the same basic thing over and over again. And I thought I understood that. Apparently I was wrong.
While I was at the CBC, I realized that I hadn't gotten it at all. I was trying to see myself in the people there, and I couldn't do it. I tried to be open minded but I wasn't. All I could think about was how I didn't believe what they said and if they found out what I really thought they'd all go insane trying to save my soul and how I had to pretend that I agreed with everything the way everyone else did so that I wouldn't draw more attention to myself than I already had by being one of the few younger people in the congregation. Then, while we were singing hymns, I started singing the song Spirit in the House, by Jami Lula, and then it all clicked.
Suddenly I felt love and compassion towards everyone in the building. Suddenly, it didn't matter that what I felt was different, because I could feel where they were coming from in the depths of my being. I could find the part of me that was in them and the part of them that was in me and suddenly, we were family. I felt love and compassion for them as I would never have expected and suddenly I was bursting with joy and happiness that I immediately started radiating into the room. It wasn't until that moment, when I was surrounded by people that I would never be with, that I finally got it.
Sure, it's easy to accept people who are similar to yourself. It's easy to see yourself in others and others in yourself when you are on a similar wavelength. It's so much harder to do the same thing with people that are completely different from yourself. I didn't really understand that to the core of my being until today, surrounded by people that I would never have surrounded myself by willingly. It's like Jesus said, "Love your enemies." (at least, I think that's what he said). Yeah, it's easy to love your friends and family, but it's so much harder to really love you enemies. It's taken me years to actually get this. In my head I understood, but it wasn't until today that my heart learned it, too.
During the service it finally clicked on what my church has been telling me for ages. It's something I've known for years, but I don't think that I fully grasped it mind and soul until today. God is in everything, and you should be able to see it in everyone and everything. As Siddhartha Gautama, the founder of Buddhism, puts it, "He who experiences the unity of life sees his own Self i all beings, and all beings in his own Self, and looks on everything with an impartial eye." That saying is on a poster in my dorm room, and I see it every day. In church they tell us the same basic thing over and over again. And I thought I understood that. Apparently I was wrong.
While I was at the CBC, I realized that I hadn't gotten it at all. I was trying to see myself in the people there, and I couldn't do it. I tried to be open minded but I wasn't. All I could think about was how I didn't believe what they said and if they found out what I really thought they'd all go insane trying to save my soul and how I had to pretend that I agreed with everything the way everyone else did so that I wouldn't draw more attention to myself than I already had by being one of the few younger people in the congregation. Then, while we were singing hymns, I started singing the song Spirit in the House, by Jami Lula, and then it all clicked.
Suddenly I felt love and compassion towards everyone in the building. Suddenly, it didn't matter that what I felt was different, because I could feel where they were coming from in the depths of my being. I could find the part of me that was in them and the part of them that was in me and suddenly, we were family. I felt love and compassion for them as I would never have expected and suddenly I was bursting with joy and happiness that I immediately started radiating into the room. It wasn't until that moment, when I was surrounded by people that I would never be with, that I finally got it.
Sure, it's easy to accept people who are similar to yourself. It's easy to see yourself in others and others in yourself when you are on a similar wavelength. It's so much harder to do the same thing with people that are completely different from yourself. I didn't really understand that to the core of my being until today, surrounded by people that I would never have surrounded myself by willingly. It's like Jesus said, "Love your enemies." (at least, I think that's what he said). Yeah, it's easy to love your friends and family, but it's so much harder to really love you enemies. It's taken me years to actually get this. In my head I understood, but it wasn't until today that my heart learned it, too.
Friday, August 15, 2008
The Nerves are Kicking In
Definitely. In the morning, I'm leaving for Portales. In 24 hours' time, I'm going to be moved in and talking with my family for the last moments I'll have with them. Then I'm on my own.
It's a scary thought, knowing that you have to be on your own. When you leave for school, it suddenly hits you: you aren't a kid anymore. You have to pay for what you need, your parents aren't there to nag you about everything. Your life is suddenly in your hands, and you look like a deer in the headlights wondering what the hell you're going to do with it. It's at times like these where you realize that you have the power over your life and where it's going. It isn't your parents, your family, your friends, your school, or society telling you where you're going and what you're doing. It's all about you. It's a weird feeling. It makes you scared. Can't lie, I am scared shitless right now. But I'm also one of the most excited people you will meet.
That's the other feeling you get when you hit this moment in life. Excitement. Suddenly, you're free. Freedom is an awesome feeling. But guess what? It's scary too. But hey, it's all up to you. You can go to school, you can drop out, you can get a job, you can get married, you can have kids, you can travel the world. Life is yours and you can do what you want with it. Once you realize this, you feel...empowered. At least, I do. I'm excited for all of this. I want to go. I want the freedom. I want the ability to rule my own life.
Anyway, this is what's really bugging me right now. I'm mostly packed (I think...) and so now it's just making sure it's all put together before I leave in the morning. I have to see my remaining friends once more before I leave. And then my new life begins.
It's a scary thought, knowing that you have to be on your own. When you leave for school, it suddenly hits you: you aren't a kid anymore. You have to pay for what you need, your parents aren't there to nag you about everything. Your life is suddenly in your hands, and you look like a deer in the headlights wondering what the hell you're going to do with it. It's at times like these where you realize that you have the power over your life and where it's going. It isn't your parents, your family, your friends, your school, or society telling you where you're going and what you're doing. It's all about you. It's a weird feeling. It makes you scared. Can't lie, I am scared shitless right now. But I'm also one of the most excited people you will meet.
That's the other feeling you get when you hit this moment in life. Excitement. Suddenly, you're free. Freedom is an awesome feeling. But guess what? It's scary too. But hey, it's all up to you. You can go to school, you can drop out, you can get a job, you can get married, you can have kids, you can travel the world. Life is yours and you can do what you want with it. Once you realize this, you feel...empowered. At least, I do. I'm excited for all of this. I want to go. I want the freedom. I want the ability to rule my own life.
Anyway, this is what's really bugging me right now. I'm mostly packed (I think...) and so now it's just making sure it's all put together before I leave in the morning. I have to see my remaining friends once more before I leave. And then my new life begins.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
My Life is SO Weird
My life nowadays always seems to have a way of working its way right back where I want it. I don't know how, it just always does. Every time something comes and knocks it out of whack, it finds its way back and I have no idea how. Here's my two guesses: 1. I have REALLY GOOD karma. 2. I am a master at the Law of Attraction. Why do I say this? Mainly because Jarrod and I are still friends and I'm not ready to kill Lynsie anymore.
So let's start with the first theory, I have FANTASTIC karma. I'm not going to deny that one. If you've ever looked at my life you will notice that I always get great things happening to me. Just as things are starting to look bad something good always comes along. I'm not kidding, my karmic energy is phenomenal. I'm not sure how, maybe I can save karmic energy from past lives and let it all accumulate (like roll-over minutes haha lol roll-0ver karma points lmao). Either way, karma always seems to be in my favor. At least, nowadays. But then again, doesn't karma sort of tie into the Law of Attraction?
So the second theory, I'm a master at the Law of Attraction*. This makes sense. If you don't know me, let me enlighten you. A couple years ago I was seriously depressed. I was suicidal. Yes, I was cutting. I contemplated suicide on a fairly regular basis and for all those who did know me at that time, you know that nothing helped. I had to see a councilor, I was put on mood-stabilizers (because I'm a bit bipolar), and still, nothing was really making a difference. Now you are probably wondering how this applies to me being a master of the Law of Attraction. Well, it's simple. Take the negative side of that Law and you had me: the Master of Negativity. Here's what I kept thinking over and over and over again:
1. My life sucks.
2. My parents hate me.
3. No one at school likes me.
4. I have no friends.
5. My sister is a bitch who is out to ruin my life.
6. I'm fat.
These six things were what I thought about all the time. Now, we know the universe likes to give you what you ask for. So what happened? I got all of the above tenfold. It sucked. Basically it turned out like so:
1. I hated everything in life and was miserable enough to be suicidal.
2. My parents and I fought all the time.
3. People at school gave me dirty looks and talked shit about me behind my back.
4. My friends stopped talking to me and left me alone.
5. My sister and I would yell and fight (yes, physically too) at every opportunity.
6. I gained 40 lbs in a year.
Yeah, Law of Attraction works alright. And guess what? I had to learn that the hard way. I had to learn that I made my life exactly that. I had to learn the hard way that I lost everything I cared about most because I was so damn negative. What a lot of people probably don't know, however, is that is was my friend and soon-to-be boyfriend, Sam, that helped me out of it. How? Well, he was in the same position I was, and as soon as I started to see what he was doing, it snapped me out of it. I saw what he was doing and it got me out of my introspective nightmare. I realized that everything he was doing to himself was an exact reflection of what I was doing to myself. Together, we both grew out of it and moved on. If you've talked to me recently, you know I've talked a lot of trash about Sam, but the truth is, I still owe him my life. He helped me more than anyone could and saved my life. I still have to respect that. It was because of him that I could see how my thoughts made my life exactly that. When my thoughts were a lie, the universe turned it into a truth. That's how I learned about the Law of Attraction.
It wasn't until this past year, however, that I really started to get how to be positive. It really hit me when Sam and I broke up (yeah, we were together for almost two years. He was my first boyfriend. It ended badly. We don't talk anymore). After that moment, I started to really see things. I got out of a world that existed of only two people, Sam and myself. I started to see the world for what it was. I saw people and really saw them for the first time. I started to realize that I had friends. My parents and I get along great. My sister is one of my many best friends. I'm losing weight. I'm going to a school that's right for me. Everything in my life is going exactly the way I want it to. People always wish that their lives could be perfect. Mine already is. I'm surrounded by great people. I learn something new every day. I have a huge circle of friends. Life is amazing. And I made it happen.
So hwo does this apply to me now? Well, Jarrod is talking to me and we're still good friends (yes, name of said guy that I've liked for ages is Jarrod. I'm tired of alluding to him). I'm not so angry at my cousin anymore. I forgive her. And life just went back to the way it was before yesterday blew up in my face. Strange. My life is SO weird.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*For those of you who don't understand, it's a simple concept. Basically, what you put out is what you get back threefold (or close to anyway). So let's say you send out a small, marble-sized amount of love to someone you know. In turn, the universe will give you back a bowling ball portion of love. Let's say you send out a toothpick of negativity to someone. You will get back a javelin-sized negative reaction in your face. It follows very close to the idea of karma, it just has a different name and a little clearer definition.
So let's start with the first theory, I have FANTASTIC karma. I'm not going to deny that one. If you've ever looked at my life you will notice that I always get great things happening to me. Just as things are starting to look bad something good always comes along. I'm not kidding, my karmic energy is phenomenal. I'm not sure how, maybe I can save karmic energy from past lives and let it all accumulate (like roll-over minutes haha lol roll-0ver karma points lmao). Either way, karma always seems to be in my favor. At least, nowadays. But then again, doesn't karma sort of tie into the Law of Attraction?
So the second theory, I'm a master at the Law of Attraction*. This makes sense. If you don't know me, let me enlighten you. A couple years ago I was seriously depressed. I was suicidal. Yes, I was cutting. I contemplated suicide on a fairly regular basis and for all those who did know me at that time, you know that nothing helped. I had to see a councilor, I was put on mood-stabilizers (because I'm a bit bipolar), and still, nothing was really making a difference. Now you are probably wondering how this applies to me being a master of the Law of Attraction. Well, it's simple. Take the negative side of that Law and you had me: the Master of Negativity. Here's what I kept thinking over and over and over again:
1. My life sucks.
2. My parents hate me.
3. No one at school likes me.
4. I have no friends.
5. My sister is a bitch who is out to ruin my life.
6. I'm fat.
These six things were what I thought about all the time. Now, we know the universe likes to give you what you ask for. So what happened? I got all of the above tenfold. It sucked. Basically it turned out like so:
1. I hated everything in life and was miserable enough to be suicidal.
2. My parents and I fought all the time.
3. People at school gave me dirty looks and talked shit about me behind my back.
4. My friends stopped talking to me and left me alone.
5. My sister and I would yell and fight (yes, physically too) at every opportunity.
6. I gained 40 lbs in a year.
Yeah, Law of Attraction works alright. And guess what? I had to learn that the hard way. I had to learn that I made my life exactly that. I had to learn the hard way that I lost everything I cared about most because I was so damn negative. What a lot of people probably don't know, however, is that is was my friend and soon-to-be boyfriend, Sam, that helped me out of it. How? Well, he was in the same position I was, and as soon as I started to see what he was doing, it snapped me out of it. I saw what he was doing and it got me out of my introspective nightmare. I realized that everything he was doing to himself was an exact reflection of what I was doing to myself. Together, we both grew out of it and moved on. If you've talked to me recently, you know I've talked a lot of trash about Sam, but the truth is, I still owe him my life. He helped me more than anyone could and saved my life. I still have to respect that. It was because of him that I could see how my thoughts made my life exactly that. When my thoughts were a lie, the universe turned it into a truth. That's how I learned about the Law of Attraction.
It wasn't until this past year, however, that I really started to get how to be positive. It really hit me when Sam and I broke up (yeah, we were together for almost two years. He was my first boyfriend. It ended badly. We don't talk anymore). After that moment, I started to really see things. I got out of a world that existed of only two people, Sam and myself. I started to see the world for what it was. I saw people and really saw them for the first time. I started to realize that I had friends. My parents and I get along great. My sister is one of my many best friends. I'm losing weight. I'm going to a school that's right for me. Everything in my life is going exactly the way I want it to. People always wish that their lives could be perfect. Mine already is. I'm surrounded by great people. I learn something new every day. I have a huge circle of friends. Life is amazing. And I made it happen.
So hwo does this apply to me now? Well, Jarrod is talking to me and we're still good friends (yes, name of said guy that I've liked for ages is Jarrod. I'm tired of alluding to him). I'm not so angry at my cousin anymore. I forgive her. And life just went back to the way it was before yesterday blew up in my face. Strange. My life is SO weird.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*For those of you who don't understand, it's a simple concept. Basically, what you put out is what you get back threefold (or close to anyway). So let's say you send out a small, marble-sized amount of love to someone you know. In turn, the universe will give you back a bowling ball portion of love. Let's say you send out a toothpick of negativity to someone. You will get back a javelin-sized negative reaction in your face. It follows very close to the idea of karma, it just has a different name and a little clearer definition.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Spiritual Life
I went to church* this morning and it was a little different from normal. My friend Corey came with me (Jarrod was supposed to come too but he had to work). I'm in the Young Adult group (18-22; high school graduates) and I was the only one there today who's been going to this church for more than a couple of months. So what we did today was basically go over the history of The Science of Mind and go over some of its basic teachings. Part of our conversation came up to the concepts discussed in The Celestine Prophecy and what happens in the afterlife and what goes into reincarnation. The one that made me really think was about how we may choose who our parents are going to be while we are still living in a purely spiritual plane in between lives.
This wasn't the first time I'd heard this idea, however it was the first time I heard it from church. Still, it kind of makes sense. My dad once saw a hypnotherapist and something he talked about was being before he was born and deciding who his parents were going to be. It was interesting how he described it and it really did make a lot of sense. Today, I heard my friend and teacher, Carol, talk about it in class today about how she feels that this idea is correct. She told us of how she must have chosen her parents for the lessons they would teach her. The way she talked about it really made me feel like it must be true.
Still, the issue I came across was why I would have chosen my parents. In both my dad and Carol's cases, I could see why it was that they would have chosen their parents, but I think about my own parents and it's much more difficult for me to see it. Sure, I learned a lot from my parents (they've only been raising me for the past 17 years) but for me to think of something specifically about them that would make me choose them out of any other couple on the planet, that was significantly more difficult.
I am a firm believer in an afterlife. My vision of it consists of the planes described in the novel What Dreams May Come, by Richard Matheson (yes, the book. The movie was good, but I'm talking about the book here. Very different). I also believe in reincarnation. I feel that between lives we spend time in the spiritual planes learning and growing as souls, so that when we come back again we main gain even more insight then the life before. During this time between physical lives I can see us discussing, talking, thinking, and sharing ideas for who we will be and who we will become in the next life. If we do that, it would only make sense that we could decide who are parents are and for different reasons. But I still am not sure why I would have chosen mine. Maybe I didn't choose them, maybe they chose me.
I've been told by my mom that I've taught her a lot, and that the biggest thing she's learned from me is how to lighten up. My mom used to be really up tight and stressed out. She was OCD about cleaning and neatness. It's only been recently that she's been able to take a step back in life and mellow out. She doesn't feel guilty anymore for taking an indulgent moment for herself. She doesn't take everything quite so personally, and I'd say she's much more pleasant to live with. She says it's because of me. So that leads me to wonder if maybe she was the one who chose me, rather than the other way around. What if she chose me because she wanted to learn how to relax and live life a little and she knew I could teach her? Or, what if she wanted someone to teach her and others in the spiritual realm assigned me to her, to help her grow?
Another idea, what if I was chosen to be with my parents by other spiritual beings? What if I was assigned to my parents to be a teacher to them? What if I was sent to them so that I would be presented with more opportunities to bring me closer to my purpose in life? And there we find ourselves in a completely different realm: Life Purpose. The question that puzzles us all, why are we here and what is our purpose? Maybe we know in between lives and we have to be able to find it and live it in the physical plane.
For me, I've been getting a growing sense of what my purpose is. I feel that I am to teach others about being complete with themselves. I think I am supposed to be here to help people learn to heal and grow spiritually so that they may achieve a higher spiritual level of well-being. This is all a theory, but the more time I've spent considering it the more likely it seems. Still, I need to think about that some more. But let's say that this was my purpose in life. If it was, I would have chosen my parents for the opportunities they provided me with. Without them, I wouldn't have learned about keeping an open mind and growing. I wouldn't have had the freedom to explore what I believe, what I feel, and what I think about life, love, religion, philosophy, etc. This all seems very probable. So maybe that's why I'm here and why I am who I am and why I know the people I know.
Anyway, I know it sounds like a crazy idea, to be the one to decide who your parents are, rather than having no control at all. Still, you should think about it. What if you did choose who your parents were? Why would you have chosen them? Even if they seemed bad, what about them made you who you are? It doesn't hurt to think about it, even just a little bit.
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*Albuquerque Center for Spiritual Living
-Officially we are a church but we are very different from your average church. Basically what we teach is a philosophy on how to live life to your benefit. We're very open-minded and we accept everyone. We're just happy people.
This wasn't the first time I'd heard this idea, however it was the first time I heard it from church. Still, it kind of makes sense. My dad once saw a hypnotherapist and something he talked about was being before he was born and deciding who his parents were going to be. It was interesting how he described it and it really did make a lot of sense. Today, I heard my friend and teacher, Carol, talk about it in class today about how she feels that this idea is correct. She told us of how she must have chosen her parents for the lessons they would teach her. The way she talked about it really made me feel like it must be true.
Still, the issue I came across was why I would have chosen my parents. In both my dad and Carol's cases, I could see why it was that they would have chosen their parents, but I think about my own parents and it's much more difficult for me to see it. Sure, I learned a lot from my parents (they've only been raising me for the past 17 years) but for me to think of something specifically about them that would make me choose them out of any other couple on the planet, that was significantly more difficult.
I am a firm believer in an afterlife. My vision of it consists of the planes described in the novel What Dreams May Come, by Richard Matheson (yes, the book. The movie was good, but I'm talking about the book here. Very different). I also believe in reincarnation. I feel that between lives we spend time in the spiritual planes learning and growing as souls, so that when we come back again we main gain even more insight then the life before. During this time between physical lives I can see us discussing, talking, thinking, and sharing ideas for who we will be and who we will become in the next life. If we do that, it would only make sense that we could decide who are parents are and for different reasons. But I still am not sure why I would have chosen mine. Maybe I didn't choose them, maybe they chose me.
I've been told by my mom that I've taught her a lot, and that the biggest thing she's learned from me is how to lighten up. My mom used to be really up tight and stressed out. She was OCD about cleaning and neatness. It's only been recently that she's been able to take a step back in life and mellow out. She doesn't feel guilty anymore for taking an indulgent moment for herself. She doesn't take everything quite so personally, and I'd say she's much more pleasant to live with. She says it's because of me. So that leads me to wonder if maybe she was the one who chose me, rather than the other way around. What if she chose me because she wanted to learn how to relax and live life a little and she knew I could teach her? Or, what if she wanted someone to teach her and others in the spiritual realm assigned me to her, to help her grow?
Another idea, what if I was chosen to be with my parents by other spiritual beings? What if I was assigned to my parents to be a teacher to them? What if I was sent to them so that I would be presented with more opportunities to bring me closer to my purpose in life? And there we find ourselves in a completely different realm: Life Purpose. The question that puzzles us all, why are we here and what is our purpose? Maybe we know in between lives and we have to be able to find it and live it in the physical plane.
For me, I've been getting a growing sense of what my purpose is. I feel that I am to teach others about being complete with themselves. I think I am supposed to be here to help people learn to heal and grow spiritually so that they may achieve a higher spiritual level of well-being. This is all a theory, but the more time I've spent considering it the more likely it seems. Still, I need to think about that some more. But let's say that this was my purpose in life. If it was, I would have chosen my parents for the opportunities they provided me with. Without them, I wouldn't have learned about keeping an open mind and growing. I wouldn't have had the freedom to explore what I believe, what I feel, and what I think about life, love, religion, philosophy, etc. This all seems very probable. So maybe that's why I'm here and why I am who I am and why I know the people I know.
Anyway, I know it sounds like a crazy idea, to be the one to decide who your parents are, rather than having no control at all. Still, you should think about it. What if you did choose who your parents were? Why would you have chosen them? Even if they seemed bad, what about them made you who you are? It doesn't hurt to think about it, even just a little bit.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*Albuquerque Center for Spiritual Living
-Officially we are a church but we are very different from your average church. Basically what we teach is a philosophy on how to live life to your benefit. We're very open-minded and we accept everyone. We're just happy people.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Cleaning
So it's summer break. I don't have a job, I'm lazy, and I haven't been motivated enough to put together a gathering with my friends (despite my bordom). So what did I decide to do? Clean my room. Yes, I am a fairly messy teen. I can't help it. Still, if truth be told, I actually like things clean (despite the clutter that seems to follow me everywhere).
Today I gathered all the clothes off my floor, put the dirty ones in the hamper, put the clean ones where they're supposed to be, cleaned off my futon, and made my bed. Shockingly enough, that was most of the grime found in my room. While cleaning, however, I was going through a lot of paper material (that's what was all over the futon) and it made me kind of think about life.
I collect just about everything. Why? Because I have a hard time throwing stuff away. Most of my paper clutter goes back years. Luckily today it's only gone back a couple of months but it really made me remember. A lot of my paper had poems on it that I've written over time.
(Something you should know about me and my poems is that the poems reflect my general outlook on life. If a lot of them are centered around myself and are depressing, I'm depressed. If they are on random, cheerful topics, I'm feeling pretty good about life. If they're on some serious subject but the I isn't referring to myself (like when I write a poem from a rapist or an alcoholic's point of view, which, by the way, I have done) then it usually means that I'm just feeling curious about life and what it's like for people other than myself. So when I see poems that I've written in the past, it reminds me a lot about events that were taking place in my life, how I was feeling towards them, and all the memories that are associated with that poem. I see my poems and it brings back wave after wave of memory and emotion. Sometimes I can't re-read poems I wrote a year or two ago because the memories and emotions are too strong and too painful.)
So I'm looking through the poems and going through and I realize just how much junk I have. I look at all the stuff I've accumulated over time and realize just how pointless this stuff is. If I only held onto the stuff that was most essential to my existence, then I probably wouldn't have much. Alas, I am a pack rat, so that's not so easy for me to do. Then it made me realize how so many other people have similar issues. We all have to go through our crap in our rooms (or homes if you have them) and occasionally clean out all the unnecessary gunk clogging up our space. And it was with that thought that I realized that we all have to do the same with our lives.
We all like the comforts of routine to our life. A routine gives it stability. The routine makes us feel safe and comfortable in our environment and in our lives because it is the routine that gives us something familiar. A break from that routine leaves us shaken or scared. Something that forces us out of that routine leaves us feeling blind and naked in the middle of the busiest place in the world. But how can we ever really live and enjoy life if we can't break from the routine? Every now and then life forces us to move, to break, to change, whether or not we actually want it or accept it. But what if we cleaned our lives like we clean our living spaces? If we did that, maybe the abrupt changes wouldn't be so abrupt. If we take a look at our lives every once and a while and just cleaned up everything that was unnecessary or holding us back, imagine how much we could do, how far we could go, how much we could achieve! The possibilities are endless.
So this was my thought that I chose to share with you, my readers. Life, our lives specifically, is something that we should keep in touch with. Why do we all let our lives drive us rather than being the directors ourselves? If we keep in touch with our lives, keep in touch with reality, "clean out the clutter", imagine the possibilities. It's your life, be the engineer and steer it in the direction you want it to go.
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