It's the two sides of one coin, the opposites that make everything possible. It's the good and the bad, the light and the dark, the heads and the tails. That's my life. Right now, looking to the future, there's good, and there's bad.
The Light:
I got accepted to an archaeology field school in Peru. AAAAHHHH!!!! I'm so excited!!! I get to spend six weeks in Peru running around learning how to excavate archeological ruins, collect various artifacts and remains I may find, and how to prepare and analyze them in a lab. Oh I'm so excited!!! AAAHHHH!!!!
Another good thing, I graduate in December!!! Oh man, I don't know how much more of this whole school thing I can take. I'm tired of killing myself and dealing with shitty people and being stressed out all the time and having so much to do all the time. I graduate and I'm done. Thank god.
The Dark:
Well, I want to go to graduate school in the fall of 2012, but I don't think I can get in. They want amazing people, and I just don't see myself fitting into that category. Who knows, maybe going to Peru will help. But still.
You know, my viewpoint of myself has been really shitty lately. I've been really mean to me!!! I just don't like myself. I feel like I'm nothing special, like I'm average, and all kinds of other really nasty stuff that I probably should put here. But I've been super mean to me lately. I don't know what's up.
Also, trying to figure out this whole wedding thing is stressful enough as it is. So we aren't getting married in July like planned but fuck now we have no date and nothing is getting done and it's stressing me out like crazy!! Ahh!! Seriously, I'm about ready to just grab the wedding party and family who wants to go, run away to Vegas, and just get married. Who needs to do something fancy, anyway? Uhg, I'm tired of this whole thing just sitting over my head.
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Unknown
I've been thinking a lot about the past lately, and how much different events can completely shape you and your life into different directions. Specifically, I've been thinking about the people I've let in to my life, the ones I held close, and the ones who meant the most to be. I think about how I've been hurt, how when you love someone you give them the power to completely destroy you and you hold on and hope they don't do it.
I'm getting married in five months. And I still go through the thought of wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I think it's because of the two other people that I let in and held close, the two other people I was sure I was going to spend my life with and how both of them destroyed it. Yeah, I held a part in it, but it always makes you question the legitimacy of a relationship and the point of putting your faith in forever when it's already be tarnished and destroyed not once but twice before. I gave these guys everything, and then they threw it back in my face. Sometimes I wonder if that's what's pushed me to be a cynic towards love, towards the idea that people can care for one another.
I love, and yet I feel nothing. It's the fear that holds me back, the fear that keeps me from saying everything I think and feel, the fear that I will be broken once again and never cared for. Because when the people you feel for most try to break you, why should you trust that everyone else won't do the same? I love Chris more than anything, and yet a part of me holds back because what if he does the same? He's my second longest relationship, and yet it's still moving towards surpassing the longest. My fear is that the longer I'm with him, the more he'll see whatever the others saw and he'll leave me, too. And maybe my thoughts of leaving are there because if I end it first, then it won't hurt so bad when he leaves me. I'm scared to admit this, admit how I really feel and the thoughts that continually run through my head. I'm scared to be alone, and scared to care for another. I'm scared.
I'm getting married in five months. And I still go through the thought of wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I think it's because of the two other people that I let in and held close, the two other people I was sure I was going to spend my life with and how both of them destroyed it. Yeah, I held a part in it, but it always makes you question the legitimacy of a relationship and the point of putting your faith in forever when it's already be tarnished and destroyed not once but twice before. I gave these guys everything, and then they threw it back in my face. Sometimes I wonder if that's what's pushed me to be a cynic towards love, towards the idea that people can care for one another.
I love, and yet I feel nothing. It's the fear that holds me back, the fear that keeps me from saying everything I think and feel, the fear that I will be broken once again and never cared for. Because when the people you feel for most try to break you, why should you trust that everyone else won't do the same? I love Chris more than anything, and yet a part of me holds back because what if he does the same? He's my second longest relationship, and yet it's still moving towards surpassing the longest. My fear is that the longer I'm with him, the more he'll see whatever the others saw and he'll leave me, too. And maybe my thoughts of leaving are there because if I end it first, then it won't hurt so bad when he leaves me. I'm scared to admit this, admit how I really feel and the thoughts that continually run through my head. I'm scared to be alone, and scared to care for another. I'm scared.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Grad School?
Currently that's the issue I'm mulling over in my head. Do I want to go to grad school and get a master's in Forensics or do I want to go to law school. Luckily, there are a couple of schools where you can actually do both. Still, you have to be accepted into each program individually. Uhg. I've been looking at numerous grad schools, and after I get through those I'm probably going to start checking out law schools. Oi. If only I knew what to do with my life.
I'm finally done with recruitment and finally unsilenced. I can reassociate with Zeta, however it sucks because I work nights. This means that even though I can hang out with them and wear shirts and whatever else, I still can't really go to anything because I'm always working. FML. I guess that's what happens in the big kid world, you lose time to do fun things as you work your butt off to make ends meet. Sometimes I wish I wasn't growing up. Plus, no matter where I go for school in 2012, I'm going to be moving to a place I don't know (more likely than not) and being far from everyone and everything I know. Alright, the only schools in Forensics are basically on the coasts, and mostly in the northeast. If I moved there I'd be close to family I've never really known well, and if I moved to California I'd be really close to family I rarely see. If I go to Florida, well, there's no one there. Nore is there anyone in Michigan or Illinois. *Sigh* Life is hard.
The good thing is the stability and happiness that Chris gives me. Whenever I start to lose hope or get really down he's always there to pick me back up and remind me that I'm okay. No matter what I freak out about, from Zeta to being a hypochondriac (and all that comes with that) to school, to family, to life, he's always there to keep me sane. He loves me and supports me in all I do, and he's there for me. Always. I fucking love this guy.
Well, life is kicking my ass. I'm a student who's taking overtime in hours (full time max is 18, I'm doing 20), I'm working two jobs, I'm in many extracurricular activities, and I still manage to maintain a 3.3 GPA and a social life. I think I'm superwoman.
I'm finally done with recruitment and finally unsilenced. I can reassociate with Zeta, however it sucks because I work nights. This means that even though I can hang out with them and wear shirts and whatever else, I still can't really go to anything because I'm always working. FML. I guess that's what happens in the big kid world, you lose time to do fun things as you work your butt off to make ends meet. Sometimes I wish I wasn't growing up. Plus, no matter where I go for school in 2012, I'm going to be moving to a place I don't know (more likely than not) and being far from everyone and everything I know. Alright, the only schools in Forensics are basically on the coasts, and mostly in the northeast. If I moved there I'd be close to family I've never really known well, and if I moved to California I'd be really close to family I rarely see. If I go to Florida, well, there's no one there. Nore is there anyone in Michigan or Illinois. *Sigh* Life is hard.
The good thing is the stability and happiness that Chris gives me. Whenever I start to lose hope or get really down he's always there to pick me back up and remind me that I'm okay. No matter what I freak out about, from Zeta to being a hypochondriac (and all that comes with that) to school, to family, to life, he's always there to keep me sane. He loves me and supports me in all I do, and he's there for me. Always. I fucking love this guy.
Well, life is kicking my ass. I'm a student who's taking overtime in hours (full time max is 18, I'm doing 20), I'm working two jobs, I'm in many extracurricular activities, and I still manage to maintain a 3.3 GPA and a social life. I think I'm superwoman.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Petra
My baby. And today I had to give her away.
It fucking sucks. I'm so sad. I cried. It's been a hard day. It'd be heard to find a better place to take her, but still. She's my baby, and I feel like I failed her. I sent her away to a new place and I completely shattered all trust she had in me. I've failed her. I love her to death and yet I left her. I feel horrible. How can you do something like that to someone you care about? I mean, if I had found her on the street and brought her, I could understand it because then you are doing her a favor and giving her a better life and a better chance for survival that way. But she had a home, was well cared for and well loved. And I abandoned her.
I took her to the Animal Humane Association in Albuquerque (check out their website at www.ahanm.org). It is probably one of the best places I could have taken her. They spay and neuter, give immunizations, and work on behavioral training with the animals. Just in Albuquerque they have their main facility and two adoption cites around town. Also, they have a 92% adoption rate. They have over 60 employees taking care of the animals and making sure that all of them get the care they need, as well as countless volunteers to help out. Their facilities are clean, the staff is helpful, and they ensure that any pet they adopt out is sent to a good home. I would say it's a really good place to take her.
Petra is a really sweet cat. She is very connected to her owner and loves deeply. Her only flaw is that she is extremely possessive of her owner and is highly jealous of anything that may appear as a "threat" to her owner's love and devotion towards her. She's about a year old and very cute. I'm sure they're going to find her a home and hopefully she'll be loved. She really is a good cat. She's going to be okay. So why do I feel so horrible?
I miss her. I want her in my arms, sleeping on my lap, climbing on my shoulder. I hate this. I feel horrible. I want to take her home and let her know she's still loved. I hate myself. How can I do such a thing to my baby? I know it was necessary, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I hate myself for this. She's going to be okay, but I feel as if I've failed her. I just want my cat back.
It fucking sucks. I'm so sad. I cried. It's been a hard day. It'd be heard to find a better place to take her, but still. She's my baby, and I feel like I failed her. I sent her away to a new place and I completely shattered all trust she had in me. I've failed her. I love her to death and yet I left her. I feel horrible. How can you do something like that to someone you care about? I mean, if I had found her on the street and brought her, I could understand it because then you are doing her a favor and giving her a better life and a better chance for survival that way. But she had a home, was well cared for and well loved. And I abandoned her.
I took her to the Animal Humane Association in Albuquerque (check out their website at www.ahanm.org). It is probably one of the best places I could have taken her. They spay and neuter, give immunizations, and work on behavioral training with the animals. Just in Albuquerque they have their main facility and two adoption cites around town. Also, they have a 92% adoption rate. They have over 60 employees taking care of the animals and making sure that all of them get the care they need, as well as countless volunteers to help out. Their facilities are clean, the staff is helpful, and they ensure that any pet they adopt out is sent to a good home. I would say it's a really good place to take her.
Petra is a really sweet cat. She is very connected to her owner and loves deeply. Her only flaw is that she is extremely possessive of her owner and is highly jealous of anything that may appear as a "threat" to her owner's love and devotion towards her. She's about a year old and very cute. I'm sure they're going to find her a home and hopefully she'll be loved. She really is a good cat. She's going to be okay. So why do I feel so horrible?
I miss her. I want her in my arms, sleeping on my lap, climbing on my shoulder. I hate this. I feel horrible. I want to take her home and let her know she's still loved. I hate myself. How can I do such a thing to my baby? I know it was necessary, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I hate myself for this. She's going to be okay, but I feel as if I've failed her. I just want my cat back.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Home
Well, Albuquerque home at least. I'm back a day later than originally intended because of too much snow and road closures. In New Mexico. Weird, I know. The weird thing about being in my room is how much it doesn't feel like my room anymore. Most things here aren't the same as they were when I lived here. I've taken all the posters from here. While there are a few things left on the walls they are mostly bare. Most of my furniture is still here, but not all of it. I look around the room and remember how it used to be my sanctuary. It was the one place I could truly escape. It was the one place I could truly call my own, where nothing could hurt me. I look around and I know now that it is just a place. Old memories linger in the air. I've had this room for eight years now. That is eight years of memories hanging. So much has happened in those eight years. I moved in during the spring break of my sixth grade year. Now I'm in my second year away at college. So much happened. So much changed. So much of me changed. I'm not the same little eleven year old girl I was who first looked into this room with wonder as I got to experience moving for the first time. Yeah, I'd moved before, but this was the first time I'd gotten to pack boxes, change locations, unpack, design the setup of my own room, and decide what I wanted. I've watched this room grow and change as I have. It went from a minty green to a sapphire blue when all I wanted was for my walls to be black. It went from happy and innocent to troubled and angsty teen. It went through suicidal me, happy me. It saw me at my best, it's seen me at my worst. And yet, all it is is a room. It has no feelings, no emotions. It can't understand what it means to me, and now, after being at school, that's all I can see it as. It's just a room, a room that used to be my sanctuary. But it's no longer mine. My stuff resides here, but they are just material objects that have little connection to me and my current life. And I realize that I have no place now that serves the same function as this room did. I have nothing in my life now that provides the same comfort. The closest I have is Chris, and yet relationships are always shaky in my mind for none of mine seem to last. I've been told I'm loved and that they will never leave by too many people, and all have broken me and left. It's hard to trust a person, give them everything after so many have taken it all then thrown it in your face after cracking it a bit more. It's hard to believe when they say they will never leave. Buildings are strong. They rarely fail. They don't give up. But it is just a building. A building can't love you back, and that's why I care so much more for a person than I will ever care for a room that held me, a cold and lonely child lost in the dark of this world. Now I stand with another's hand in mine and we walk through the dark with our heads held high knowing that wherever we go, we go together. Yeah I'm "home" in the comfort of an old companion, but it's a companion that has aged beyond its ability to love me back. My true companion, my true support, is found in another person, and it is through his support that I travel now.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
I'm Feeling Better, Which Is Good
Yeah, I knew that people were going to flip out when I changed statuses on stupid sites like Facebook and Myspace to being "In a Relationship". Stupid, yes, but nonetheless people freaked. Mainly because of all the shit I got myself into this semester, now I have a handful of guys who can watch as I go off with someone else. Sorry, but it's my life.
Anyway, I felt like shit about it earlier. I was super depressed and felt horrible about how it hit one guy in particular. But at the same time, I can't wait forever. So I'm happy and after a good long nap I feel substantially better. Yay! Now it's just me and my cranberry juice and dark chocolate pretzels. If only my room was clean, too...
Anyway, I felt like shit about it earlier. I was super depressed and felt horrible about how it hit one guy in particular. But at the same time, I can't wait forever. So I'm happy and after a good long nap I feel substantially better. Yay! Now it's just me and my cranberry juice and dark chocolate pretzels. If only my room was clean, too...
Eek!!
So, holy crap. That's all I can say. But basically, I have a boyfriend. Chris, a.k.a., Monkey. So from now on, ex boyfriend Chris will always be referred to as Stahelin, and Monkey will always be referred to as Chris. Hopefully this will lessen confusion.
So Chris is amazing. Just saying. He's super smart, he makes me laugh, he reads amazing books, we have really cool discussions on just about anything, and I can talk to him and I feel like he honestly cares about what I have to say and what I think. It's a fantastic feeling.
Anyway, I'm just really excited for the first time in a really long time. I don't know where this is going but I'm hoping it works out. For the first time in months I have hope again. It's a good feeling.
So Chris is amazing. Just saying. He's super smart, he makes me laugh, he reads amazing books, we have really cool discussions on just about anything, and I can talk to him and I feel like he honestly cares about what I have to say and what I think. It's a fantastic feeling.
Anyway, I'm just really excited for the first time in a really long time. I don't know where this is going but I'm hoping it works out. For the first time in months I have hope again. It's a good feeling.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Things I wish I had the balls to say to people
1. I loved you. I really did. But you took that and destroyed it into hundreds of thousands of little pieces. And I don't think you understand the depth at which you destroyed me. I was a mess for two years and now you come back wanting to make it all better. I hate it. But I think I've moved on. I don't mind being your friend but I want nothing more because you've hurt me so bad that I can't not feel it. My body has gone numb to you and I don't feel anything for you. And I don't know if I ever will. So maybe we can be friends. But I can't pour my heart into you. And maybe you changed, and while I can see the compassion in your eyes you're still the exact same person you were when I left you. And I need more than that in my life. So thanks for teaching me how to get the fuck over you and move on with my life. But please, let me be happy with someone else.
2. I might love you. Maybe. But you know what sucks? You still love your ex. And let me tell you, I know exactly how that goes. And you know what else that means? It doesn't matter how much I care about you. It doesn't matter that I might possibly love you because in the end you won't feel shit about me because you still love her. I've fought tooth and nail for you for five months. You tell me you've done nothing with other people and yet I have friends who've said they've seen you with others. So who do I believe? I stand up for you, I fight for you, and yet you are still so in love with her that you can't see that. So why am I still fighting? Why am I still trying? We're just going to keep using each other for momentary pleasure and comfort while we lose ourselves in the depths of our minds. Neither one of us opens up to the other because we're scared shitless. But love takes work and if you didn't get hurt then it wasn't worth it. So I'm going to move on. I'm sorry. I tried. I tried to be there for you when no one else would. But you always kept me at a distance. So now I need to move on because I need someone to be there for me when I need them and you're not.
3. What the fuck happened to you? You were such a sweet guy? Honestly, I did care about you. Maybe I didn't love you. But I did care. And you threw that away! What the hell?! Why did you become like this? If it was because of me, I'm sorry. I know I have the tendency to destroy people. Especially the ones closest to me. But still. You had your friends and yet you turned your back on every single one of them and became someone you're not. If I could have told you six months ago about the person you are now, I think you would laugh and say that's ridiculous. But I can't say anything to you now because you won't listen to me or anyone else. What happened to you? It hurts seeing you like this. I just wish you could see. And maybe we could understand why. It just doesn't make sense. I told you everything and you left, too. Way too lie like everyone else. Thanks.
4. Seriously, I'm not angry that you wanted sex and that's the only reason you began talking to me. I'm not angry about that. I could really care less. Honestly, you have no idea how many guys have just come up to me and said, "Hey, I want to fuck you." It happens. What I'm angry about is that you made me believe you were different. You convinced me that you were there for me, that you were interested in me, that you saw me as a person that no one else saw me as this whole semester. You took me seriously, listened to my thoughts, my opinions, my ideas. You took time to understand me. You asked me about myself. You acted like you wanted to know me. It meant so much to me because no one's done that, just ask question after question about me not because they felt they had to but because they honestly wanted to. And then I found out that all of that was a lie. I honestly believe that it did change. I believe you when you say that it moved beyond sex. Even though we never did, I know you wanted to. But I know that wasn't your driving motive. It just bothers me that when you came to me under the pretext of wanting to know me unlike everyone else who just saw me as a stupid blond who can't think and is just another sorority girl, it hurt to find out that all you had wanted was sex. Just like everyone else. That's why I was angry. Because it felt like everything that had made the basis of our friendship was a lie. I felt like I couldn't trust you anymore. I felt like suddenly it didn't matter what I said, you didn't actually care. That's why I was angry. I felt betrayed and like I'd lost yet another close friend.
5. I'm just not interested. Stop asking me for sex. Stop asking me for alone time. You aren't the only one asking either. But I'm not just an object for you to use and manipulate. So leave me the fuck alone and let me get on with my life. Casually fucking isn't something I do. So find someone else.
6. Stop treating me like you're fucking superior to me!!! You aren't! The world does not revolve around you. You're an insecure child. Stop acting like you know everything and that I know nothing. I'm not just pretty, there's more to me than that. But you wouldn't actually know that unless you talked to me. But no, it's just you who does all the talking and talking down on me. Leave me the fuck alone. If you can't respect me I wish you could just let me be.
7. I like you, but only as a friend. I don't know what they told you about me, but I'm fucked up this semester. Sure, I may be awesome when my shit's together, but it's not right now. And I like you as a person, but I can't see anything more than friendship between us. So tell them to stop pushing you. I know you deserve a great person in your life, but I can also tell you that right now that person isn't me. I'm only going to hurt you more. So please, let me be.
8. I like you. I really do. And you know what? Maybe we can be more than friends. You're funny, you're smart, you make me laugh. You think, you're Greek, and you're close by. You care, you'd treat me well, and you have a fantastic choice in books. I think that things could really work out. Since I'm moving on from other people, I really want to pursue you. You seem super awesome and I want to see where this goes. No matter what anyone thinks.
9. I'm not perfect. Get over it. I know you don't know the semester I've had, but I've been doing damn good despite that. I know I wasn't perfect, but don't hold it against me. I won't bring her down with me, she's smarter than that. I know she has more of a future than I do. So focus on her. She loves you guys. But don't take it for granted because it won't always be there if you do.
10. Girl, I miss you like crazy. What the fuck? But you're always busy. Always. I want to spend time with you. We hardly ever see each other. But I miss you and you say you miss me too but yet you don't try to see me. I know your life is important to you. I can respect that. But sometimes I just need a friend who's been there through it all to give me a hug and let me cry because boys are stupid and break hearts. And everyone needs some girl time.
11. Stop bitching. Your life is fine. Stop harassing me. You don't take my advice anyway. So get the fuck over it, stop making all this drama for you, and grow up. If you really wanted my advice, you'd take it and then you wouldn't keep running into the same problems. Trust me, it's getting old.
12. You are awesome. I'm sorry I'm not there for you more. You really are amazing. I'm sorry I fail at being a good sister to you.
13. You guys fucking suck. I wish you hadn't gotten the offices you did. I'm sure there were better people for it. But it's too late now so I'll suck it up. I just thought you guys should know.
14. I know you guys care, but can you please back the fuck off. I'm making my own mistakes that I can use later to learn from. These are experiences I need, and it doesn't help to have you acting like my parent. Just be my friend and be there for me when it all blows up in my face just like you said it would.
2. I might love you. Maybe. But you know what sucks? You still love your ex. And let me tell you, I know exactly how that goes. And you know what else that means? It doesn't matter how much I care about you. It doesn't matter that I might possibly love you because in the end you won't feel shit about me because you still love her. I've fought tooth and nail for you for five months. You tell me you've done nothing with other people and yet I have friends who've said they've seen you with others. So who do I believe? I stand up for you, I fight for you, and yet you are still so in love with her that you can't see that. So why am I still fighting? Why am I still trying? We're just going to keep using each other for momentary pleasure and comfort while we lose ourselves in the depths of our minds. Neither one of us opens up to the other because we're scared shitless. But love takes work and if you didn't get hurt then it wasn't worth it. So I'm going to move on. I'm sorry. I tried. I tried to be there for you when no one else would. But you always kept me at a distance. So now I need to move on because I need someone to be there for me when I need them and you're not.
3. What the fuck happened to you? You were such a sweet guy? Honestly, I did care about you. Maybe I didn't love you. But I did care. And you threw that away! What the hell?! Why did you become like this? If it was because of me, I'm sorry. I know I have the tendency to destroy people. Especially the ones closest to me. But still. You had your friends and yet you turned your back on every single one of them and became someone you're not. If I could have told you six months ago about the person you are now, I think you would laugh and say that's ridiculous. But I can't say anything to you now because you won't listen to me or anyone else. What happened to you? It hurts seeing you like this. I just wish you could see. And maybe we could understand why. It just doesn't make sense. I told you everything and you left, too. Way too lie like everyone else. Thanks.
4. Seriously, I'm not angry that you wanted sex and that's the only reason you began talking to me. I'm not angry about that. I could really care less. Honestly, you have no idea how many guys have just come up to me and said, "Hey, I want to fuck you." It happens. What I'm angry about is that you made me believe you were different. You convinced me that you were there for me, that you were interested in me, that you saw me as a person that no one else saw me as this whole semester. You took me seriously, listened to my thoughts, my opinions, my ideas. You took time to understand me. You asked me about myself. You acted like you wanted to know me. It meant so much to me because no one's done that, just ask question after question about me not because they felt they had to but because they honestly wanted to. And then I found out that all of that was a lie. I honestly believe that it did change. I believe you when you say that it moved beyond sex. Even though we never did, I know you wanted to. But I know that wasn't your driving motive. It just bothers me that when you came to me under the pretext of wanting to know me unlike everyone else who just saw me as a stupid blond who can't think and is just another sorority girl, it hurt to find out that all you had wanted was sex. Just like everyone else. That's why I was angry. Because it felt like everything that had made the basis of our friendship was a lie. I felt like I couldn't trust you anymore. I felt like suddenly it didn't matter what I said, you didn't actually care. That's why I was angry. I felt betrayed and like I'd lost yet another close friend.
5. I'm just not interested. Stop asking me for sex. Stop asking me for alone time. You aren't the only one asking either. But I'm not just an object for you to use and manipulate. So leave me the fuck alone and let me get on with my life. Casually fucking isn't something I do. So find someone else.
6. Stop treating me like you're fucking superior to me!!! You aren't! The world does not revolve around you. You're an insecure child. Stop acting like you know everything and that I know nothing. I'm not just pretty, there's more to me than that. But you wouldn't actually know that unless you talked to me. But no, it's just you who does all the talking and talking down on me. Leave me the fuck alone. If you can't respect me I wish you could just let me be.
7. I like you, but only as a friend. I don't know what they told you about me, but I'm fucked up this semester. Sure, I may be awesome when my shit's together, but it's not right now. And I like you as a person, but I can't see anything more than friendship between us. So tell them to stop pushing you. I know you deserve a great person in your life, but I can also tell you that right now that person isn't me. I'm only going to hurt you more. So please, let me be.
8. I like you. I really do. And you know what? Maybe we can be more than friends. You're funny, you're smart, you make me laugh. You think, you're Greek, and you're close by. You care, you'd treat me well, and you have a fantastic choice in books. I think that things could really work out. Since I'm moving on from other people, I really want to pursue you. You seem super awesome and I want to see where this goes. No matter what anyone thinks.
9. I'm not perfect. Get over it. I know you don't know the semester I've had, but I've been doing damn good despite that. I know I wasn't perfect, but don't hold it against me. I won't bring her down with me, she's smarter than that. I know she has more of a future than I do. So focus on her. She loves you guys. But don't take it for granted because it won't always be there if you do.
10. Girl, I miss you like crazy. What the fuck? But you're always busy. Always. I want to spend time with you. We hardly ever see each other. But I miss you and you say you miss me too but yet you don't try to see me. I know your life is important to you. I can respect that. But sometimes I just need a friend who's been there through it all to give me a hug and let me cry because boys are stupid and break hearts. And everyone needs some girl time.
11. Stop bitching. Your life is fine. Stop harassing me. You don't take my advice anyway. So get the fuck over it, stop making all this drama for you, and grow up. If you really wanted my advice, you'd take it and then you wouldn't keep running into the same problems. Trust me, it's getting old.
12. You are awesome. I'm sorry I'm not there for you more. You really are amazing. I'm sorry I fail at being a good sister to you.
13. You guys fucking suck. I wish you hadn't gotten the offices you did. I'm sure there were better people for it. But it's too late now so I'll suck it up. I just thought you guys should know.
14. I know you guys care, but can you please back the fuck off. I'm making my own mistakes that I can use later to learn from. These are experiences I need, and it doesn't help to have you acting like my parent. Just be my friend and be there for me when it all blows up in my face just like you said it would.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Thinking
So, recently the most thought provoking thing has come up and I have no idea what to make of it. Sam came back. Which isn't too surprising or anything because I was the one who started talking to him a little over a month ago. What's surprising is that he said he was sorry. For everything. That he was sorry for hurting me, sorry for leaving me the way he did, sorry for destroying my heart, sorry for being a dick, sorry for treating me like shit, sorry for not giving me the respect I deserve. And then he said he wanted to make it up to me and asked for a second chance. I don't know what to think.
For so long I was convinced he hated me, so convinced that he never loved me and that he just said he did. But when I think about it, I know it's not true. He says that he was as torn up about breaking up as I was, that he didn't even really know why we broke up because he didn't really want to either. We helped each other through so much. He was my best friend. I told him everything. He was always there for me. And yeah we had some bad times at the end but what couple doesn't when it's ending? For two years he was my life and I lost it all and it killed me, but now I have the possibility to get it back. The love of my life, the person I've cared for longer than I could care for myself, the person I never gave up on when everyone else did, the person who helped me through the darkest time of my life, I could have him back. So what's the problem, right?
Because it did end badly. There was some fucked up shit that happened. Stuff was said that was pretty hurtful. Weird shit happened. So what if that happens again? I've been doing well without him, so I could keep going, right? I knew at the time that we were better apart. And I told everyone I was better without him. And after some of the shit that happened between us that I told other people, well, they wouldn't be too pleased if we got back together.
Also, there's the people out here that I've been getting close to. Mel is awesome and I've been falling for him. But he doesn't feel the same. He is still in love with his ex and I know he can't feel for me until he moves past her. And sometimes I think I'd be better not worrying about him. But I still care for him way too much. Eustace is a super sweet guy and I know he cares about me, I just don't feel the same for him. I know he'd treat me well, but I don't deserve him and I care about him only as a friend. Chris, a.k.a. Monkey, is awesome and we get along great. I know he'd treat me well and I know he cares. I'm just having problems with feeling recently. With all my issues here, it's almost tempting to just drop it and go with what's easier back home, but at the same time I don't know if I can do it.
So I'm torn. Part of me is dying to go back to Sam because I still love him. Despite it being two years since we broke up. I still care about him and I can tell that he's different from who he used to be. Yeah, I'd have to deal with all the shit I'd get from a large portion of people if I did, but haven't I been doing that all semester with Mel and the Kappa Sigs? But then I'd have to leave behind people I care about here. And I don't know how easy it would be to just drop that. And I'd feel like such a selfish bitch. Uhg. I don't know what to do. So this is what I'm thinking about.
For so long I was convinced he hated me, so convinced that he never loved me and that he just said he did. But when I think about it, I know it's not true. He says that he was as torn up about breaking up as I was, that he didn't even really know why we broke up because he didn't really want to either. We helped each other through so much. He was my best friend. I told him everything. He was always there for me. And yeah we had some bad times at the end but what couple doesn't when it's ending? For two years he was my life and I lost it all and it killed me, but now I have the possibility to get it back. The love of my life, the person I've cared for longer than I could care for myself, the person I never gave up on when everyone else did, the person who helped me through the darkest time of my life, I could have him back. So what's the problem, right?
Because it did end badly. There was some fucked up shit that happened. Stuff was said that was pretty hurtful. Weird shit happened. So what if that happens again? I've been doing well without him, so I could keep going, right? I knew at the time that we were better apart. And I told everyone I was better without him. And after some of the shit that happened between us that I told other people, well, they wouldn't be too pleased if we got back together.
Also, there's the people out here that I've been getting close to. Mel is awesome and I've been falling for him. But he doesn't feel the same. He is still in love with his ex and I know he can't feel for me until he moves past her. And sometimes I think I'd be better not worrying about him. But I still care for him way too much. Eustace is a super sweet guy and I know he cares about me, I just don't feel the same for him. I know he'd treat me well, but I don't deserve him and I care about him only as a friend. Chris, a.k.a. Monkey, is awesome and we get along great. I know he'd treat me well and I know he cares. I'm just having problems with feeling recently. With all my issues here, it's almost tempting to just drop it and go with what's easier back home, but at the same time I don't know if I can do it.
So I'm torn. Part of me is dying to go back to Sam because I still love him. Despite it being two years since we broke up. I still care about him and I can tell that he's different from who he used to be. Yeah, I'd have to deal with all the shit I'd get from a large portion of people if I did, but haven't I been doing that all semester with Mel and the Kappa Sigs? But then I'd have to leave behind people I care about here. And I don't know how easy it would be to just drop that. And I'd feel like such a selfish bitch. Uhg. I don't know what to do. So this is what I'm thinking about.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Relationships
I don't know what to do anymore. I care about him too much. I can't enjoy the company of other guys. I think I'm falling for him and I'm scared because I don't think he feels the same. It's only going to end in my heartbreak, but wouldn't that be better than me continually breaking other people's hearts? Brandy is right; every guy who gets to know me falls in love with me. But I can't be the healer of everyone's heart despite how much I want to. So now it's time to tell two guys that I can't care for them as more than friends because I'm falling for someone else. And it'll hurt, but hopefully they haven't cared long enough for it to be detrimental. My only question is can my heart handle being broken again by the guy I do care for, the one I'm slowly learning I can't seem to live without? I don't want to hurt, don't want to love, don't want to care, because it only leads to heartbreak. I lived two years in heartbreak and now that I'm beyond that I don't want to feel it again for a while. But I'm falling hard for a guy who doesn't want to get hurt either. How do I live? I want to be with him, to call him mine, to hold him close to me and never let go and yet I'm scared he will only push me away. I want to give him my heart and pray that he doesn't destroy it and yet I'm uncertain for whether or not he'll just give it back to me and say no. I'm scared I'm falling in love again.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Medication
Yeah, I'm bipolar, and yes, I'm medicated for it. And if you saw how I was before I got meds, and you saw how I was after I got them, you know they help. So you're probably wondering why I went almost three months without them after 8 months on them. I know I need them, so why wouldn't I just make a simple phone call? I kept saying it was because I didn't like calling people and that I was too busy, but that really wasn't it. The truth is, I hate being medicated.
It isn't that weird shit happens to me or that it takes away from who I am or anything like that. On the contrary, I'm way better when I'm on them. I know that. My thing is that I wish I didn't have to be dependent on some kind of chemical to make me normal. I was able to live the first 18 years of my life without it and being relatively sane, so why couldn't I do it now, right? Being dependent on something just makes me feel weak, like I can't provide for myself. I feel like I fail because I can't be normal because I'm stuck taking medication so that I don't go from suicidal to high-risk behavior to angry to overly confident to apathetic to super bubbly. I hate it. So I didn't replace my meds for almost three months because I wanted to prove to myself that I could live without them and be fine. And it took me that long to figure out that I can't And now I just feel like a failure.
My councilor that I'm seeing right now says that being bipolar is a chemical condition that I can't control. It doesn't change the fact that I feel like I should be able to have full control over my body and I don't. I know I can't do anything about it and that I have to have the medication to be normal. Too bad it sucks and I wish with everything I have that I wasn't this way. Hell, I've only taken two pills and I'm already feeling better. I mean, fuck. Why do I have to be like this? This is one of the worst feelings ever. Plus, have you ever looked at side effects of these medications? It's ridiculous!! Let me tell you what the side affects are listed for on what I'm taking:
SIDE EFFECTS that may occur while taking this medicine include decreased sexual desire or ability; diarrhea; dizziness; drowsiness; dry mouth; increased sweating; lightheadedness when you stand or sit up; loss of appetite; nausea; stuffy nose; or tiredness. If they continue or are bothersome, check with your doctor. CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY if you experience absent menstrual period; bizarre behavior; black or bloody stools; chest pain; confusion; decreased concentration; decreased coordination; fainting; fast or irregular heartbeat; hallucination; memory loss; new or worsening agitation, panic attacks, aggressiveness, impulsiveness, irritability, hostility, exaggerated feeling of well-being, restlessness, or inability to sit still; persistent, painful erection; red, swollen, blistered, or peeling skin; seizures; severe or persistent anxiety or trouble sleeping; severe or persistent headache; stomach pain; suicidal thoughts or attempts; tremor; unusual bruising or bleeding; unusual weakness; unusual or severe mental or mood changes; vision changes; or worsening of depression. AN ALLERGIC REACTION to this medicine is unlikely, but seek immediate medical attention if it occurs. Symptoms of an allergic reaction include rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue. This is not a complete list of all side effects that may occur. If you have questions about side effects, contact your health care provider. Call your doctor for medical advice about side effects. You may report side effects to FDA at 1-800-FDA-1088
Dead serious, that is the list, word for word, given to me by the pharmacy with the mediation. How are you supposed to feel when you read something like that, knowing that a drug that has the potential to do all of that is being voluntarily placed in your body for the hope of getting "better"? I mean, really, it's scary shit. And then I wonder what kind of stuff that happens to me is a side effect of the medication or just me being crazy. How do I know if it is really working the way it's supposed to or to its full potential? It just sucks.
I hate being medicated. I hate saying that I need it. I hate knowing I need it. What's worse is telling people about it. You tell someone you're bipolar and they flip out on you thinking that you're going to go crazy on them. Look, I'm fine. I think. Maybe I'm not. Maybe it is the safe thing for people to stay away from me; fewer people would be hurt by me then. I'm tired of making people hurt because of me. Maybe I should just go elsewhere or excommunicate myself so that people will stop being hurt because of me.
It isn't that weird shit happens to me or that it takes away from who I am or anything like that. On the contrary, I'm way better when I'm on them. I know that. My thing is that I wish I didn't have to be dependent on some kind of chemical to make me normal. I was able to live the first 18 years of my life without it and being relatively sane, so why couldn't I do it now, right? Being dependent on something just makes me feel weak, like I can't provide for myself. I feel like I fail because I can't be normal because I'm stuck taking medication so that I don't go from suicidal to high-risk behavior to angry to overly confident to apathetic to super bubbly. I hate it. So I didn't replace my meds for almost three months because I wanted to prove to myself that I could live without them and be fine. And it took me that long to figure out that I can't And now I just feel like a failure.
My councilor that I'm seeing right now says that being bipolar is a chemical condition that I can't control. It doesn't change the fact that I feel like I should be able to have full control over my body and I don't. I know I can't do anything about it and that I have to have the medication to be normal. Too bad it sucks and I wish with everything I have that I wasn't this way. Hell, I've only taken two pills and I'm already feeling better. I mean, fuck. Why do I have to be like this? This is one of the worst feelings ever. Plus, have you ever looked at side effects of these medications? It's ridiculous!! Let me tell you what the side affects are listed for on what I'm taking:
SIDE EFFECTS that may occur while taking this medicine include decreased sexual desire or ability; diarrhea; dizziness; drowsiness; dry mouth; increased sweating; lightheadedness when you stand or sit up; loss of appetite; nausea; stuffy nose; or tiredness. If they continue or are bothersome, check with your doctor. CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY if you experience absent menstrual period; bizarre behavior; black or bloody stools; chest pain; confusion; decreased concentration; decreased coordination; fainting; fast or irregular heartbeat; hallucination; memory loss; new or worsening agitation, panic attacks, aggressiveness, impulsiveness, irritability, hostility, exaggerated feeling of well-being, restlessness, or inability to sit still; persistent, painful erection; red, swollen, blistered, or peeling skin; seizures; severe or persistent anxiety or trouble sleeping; severe or persistent headache; stomach pain; suicidal thoughts or attempts; tremor; unusual bruising or bleeding; unusual weakness; unusual or severe mental or mood changes; vision changes; or worsening of depression. AN ALLERGIC REACTION to this medicine is unlikely, but seek immediate medical attention if it occurs. Symptoms of an allergic reaction include rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue. This is not a complete list of all side effects that may occur. If you have questions about side effects, contact your health care provider. Call your doctor for medical advice about side effects. You may report side effects to FDA at 1-800-FDA-1088
Dead serious, that is the list, word for word, given to me by the pharmacy with the mediation. How are you supposed to feel when you read something like that, knowing that a drug that has the potential to do all of that is being voluntarily placed in your body for the hope of getting "better"? I mean, really, it's scary shit. And then I wonder what kind of stuff that happens to me is a side effect of the medication or just me being crazy. How do I know if it is really working the way it's supposed to or to its full potential? It just sucks.
I hate being medicated. I hate saying that I need it. I hate knowing I need it. What's worse is telling people about it. You tell someone you're bipolar and they flip out on you thinking that you're going to go crazy on them. Look, I'm fine. I think. Maybe I'm not. Maybe it is the safe thing for people to stay away from me; fewer people would be hurt by me then. I'm tired of making people hurt because of me. Maybe I should just go elsewhere or excommunicate myself so that people will stop being hurt because of me.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Coming Home
I moved back home from Portales on Saturday. I didn't realize that I had so much crap. Holy cow. The worst part is that a lot of it is stuff that I don't need while I'm at home, like first aid stuff, laundry detergent, sheets for beds of different sizes, food, etc. And, because I didn't have it here to begin with, finding a place to put it now is difficult. So I have come to the conclusion that it's time for another room emptying session where I get rid of more stuff. Only problem is I'm a pack rat and I hold on to sentimental stuff for ages. Bleh.
Life at home is...interesting. I get to see Chris pretty much every day (which is awesome), see friends I haven't seen in a while, and hang out with my sister. It's just being home that's....odd. I get the strangest feeling from my dad that I'm just someone who lives here that he really wishes wouldn't. I hate that feeling, like I'm being loathed for existing and costing him money. Oi. My mom says it's not like that at all, but it's still the feeling I get from him. Bleh.
Once again I'm into the predicament of finding a summer job. Only this summer, it's essential that I get one. Uhg. But who would want to hire someone for only two and a half months? Bleh. But I'm eighteen and that means that if I displeased parents in the slightest they can kick me out of the house and my life becomes that much more difficult. Still, my mom had a good point. It'd be better for my own sanity and mental well-being not to be in the house all day every day with my dad this summer. We'd be at each other's throats in a heartbeat. *shiver*
So right now, I've applied at Albertson's. Hopefully I can turn in an app to Starbucks and Wendy's today. My only issue is that I'm limited to places within walking distance from my house. Es no bueno, aye? Oh well. It means money and money means my life gets slightly simpler. And my parents will be off my back.
Life at home is...interesting. I get to see Chris pretty much every day (which is awesome), see friends I haven't seen in a while, and hang out with my sister. It's just being home that's....odd. I get the strangest feeling from my dad that I'm just someone who lives here that he really wishes wouldn't. I hate that feeling, like I'm being loathed for existing and costing him money. Oi. My mom says it's not like that at all, but it's still the feeling I get from him. Bleh.
Once again I'm into the predicament of finding a summer job. Only this summer, it's essential that I get one. Uhg. But who would want to hire someone for only two and a half months? Bleh. But I'm eighteen and that means that if I displeased parents in the slightest they can kick me out of the house and my life becomes that much more difficult. Still, my mom had a good point. It'd be better for my own sanity and mental well-being not to be in the house all day every day with my dad this summer. We'd be at each other's throats in a heartbeat. *shiver*
So right now, I've applied at Albertson's. Hopefully I can turn in an app to Starbucks and Wendy's today. My only issue is that I'm limited to places within walking distance from my house. Es no bueno, aye? Oh well. It means money and money means my life gets slightly simpler. And my parents will be off my back.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
ECSTATIC
Holy cow, life has taken a turn for the most amazing adventure EVER. I'm so excited!! And I now have a list for why life is perfect.
1. Chris
He's so amazing, I have no idea how I've lived without him. Plus, I'm pretty sure that I would not ahve made it through the last couple of months if he hadn't been by my side the whole time reminding me that I could do it.
2. I got to take my Biology Lab final outside yesterday. And I think I aced it.
3. All three tests that I had today (Chemistry Lab final included) are over with, and I think I passed them all.
4. Two days left of classes and then it's just a week of finals.
5. Chris.
6. Bri is out of town for tonight so I have the room to myself.
7. I know where I'm living next year!!!
8. The room is mostly clean.
9. I can kick back and relax for the next couple of days.
10. Chris gets to pick me up and take me home next weekend!!!! XD
11. School is almost over.
12. Initiation for Zeta is on Friday. Then, nothing to worry about with them after this weekend.
13. My stress-filled life is about to be stress-free ^.^
14. I can sleep now if I felt like it.
15. Chris is just so freakin' amazing!!!!
So yes, life is great. And I am pumped. Yay!!! And I'm not pulling my hair out anymore over all the insanity that is/was filling my life. Yay!!!
1. Chris
He's so amazing, I have no idea how I've lived without him. Plus, I'm pretty sure that I would not ahve made it through the last couple of months if he hadn't been by my side the whole time reminding me that I could do it.
2. I got to take my Biology Lab final outside yesterday. And I think I aced it.
3. All three tests that I had today (Chemistry Lab final included) are over with, and I think I passed them all.
4. Two days left of classes and then it's just a week of finals.
5. Chris.
6. Bri is out of town for tonight so I have the room to myself.
7. I know where I'm living next year!!!
8. The room is mostly clean.
9. I can kick back and relax for the next couple of days.
10. Chris gets to pick me up and take me home next weekend!!!! XD
11. School is almost over.
12. Initiation for Zeta is on Friday. Then, nothing to worry about with them after this weekend.
13. My stress-filled life is about to be stress-free ^.^
14. I can sleep now if I felt like it.
15. Chris is just so freakin' amazing!!!!
So yes, life is great. And I am pumped. Yay!!! And I'm not pulling my hair out anymore over all the insanity that is/was filling my life. Yay!!!
Friday, April 17, 2009
Life!
Life. Is. Crazy. But then again, who's life isn't? I've been crazy stressed out, on the edge of psychosis, struggling to stay alive, see friends, I'm head-over-heels in love, and somehow I'm still alive. I don't get it. After my meltdown on Monday, I spent substantial time on Tuesday trying to figure out what is stressing me out in life. Without finishing the list, I got up to 73 reasons. Again, I don't know how I'm not dead. I think it's Chris keeping me alive and giving me a reason to keep trying. All my friends say we're disgustingly adorable but I just don't care, actually. I love him too much to really pay attention to people and what they say. So for the remaining four weeks of school I'm going to continue trying just because of him. =]
Monday, April 6, 2009
Spring Break
Let's just say this: srping break did not feel like one week. It felt more as if I had just spent the last month back home. That's how freakin' spectacular it was.
Breaks. What to say about them? From one perspective, yeah, it could be a highly useful block of time when you have absolutely nothing that you have to do, no where you need to go. It's the perfect time to get caught up on everything in life that you've been neglecting. Perfect, right? I think so.
What have I been neglecting? Me. I'm sorry, but it's true. I've been so bogged down with life recently that air is always a nice little refreshing afterthought that never comes. The calm before the storm? It's long past, and the storm has yet to be over. But along comes a delightful little break that I can spend at home. One week back in my hometown with the people I love and doing anything I want. It's amazing.
So what happened over my break? Snow, rain, doctor visits, movies, lap tag, ice skating, dancing, singing, driving, cuddling, freezing, burning, fighting, sleeping. Win.
I left for home a day early because the eastern side of the state was under a winter weather alert for the whole week leading up to the Friday I had been intending on heading home. Luckily for me, I got home before the storm hit and the interstates closed. Win.
Weekend was great. I saw Chris for ample amounts of time, introduced him to the magic of lap tag, and received my first boquet of flowers ever.
During the week, I visited doctors about my breating issues. Turns out I have a deviated septum in my nose which then lead to me getting a cyst in one of my sinuses so over the summer I get to spend a good amount of time doing surgery and recovery. Fun. Haha. Right. *spark of sarcasm*
I actually got sick on Thursday night but I think I'm better now (I hope so at least). Chris made me tea and helped me sleep though and that right there was huge win. HUGE!! There was ample time for cuddling and hugging and loving and movie watching too. Oh, there was dinner with my parents, dinner with his parents, and lots of family get-to-know-one-another time. Woo! But his family is really cool so more wins!!
Ice skating pursued on Saturday. Yay! I haven't been skating since August so super treat right there. Phenominal food was also provided. Yay! Plus, Chris's brother and my sister are getting along well and that makes me happy.
Sunday I took off back here at school, but it's okay, because break was awesome. I'm totally refreshed and pumped about school again (which was definitely needed; all enthusiasm died a few weeks ago) and so now I'm ready to take on the world plus Chris is so amazing I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. *sigh* Life is just so amazing.
Breaks. What to say about them? From one perspective, yeah, it could be a highly useful block of time when you have absolutely nothing that you have to do, no where you need to go. It's the perfect time to get caught up on everything in life that you've been neglecting. Perfect, right? I think so.
What have I been neglecting? Me. I'm sorry, but it's true. I've been so bogged down with life recently that air is always a nice little refreshing afterthought that never comes. The calm before the storm? It's long past, and the storm has yet to be over. But along comes a delightful little break that I can spend at home. One week back in my hometown with the people I love and doing anything I want. It's amazing.
So what happened over my break? Snow, rain, doctor visits, movies, lap tag, ice skating, dancing, singing, driving, cuddling, freezing, burning, fighting, sleeping. Win.
I left for home a day early because the eastern side of the state was under a winter weather alert for the whole week leading up to the Friday I had been intending on heading home. Luckily for me, I got home before the storm hit and the interstates closed. Win.
Weekend was great. I saw Chris for ample amounts of time, introduced him to the magic of lap tag, and received my first boquet of flowers ever.
During the week, I visited doctors about my breating issues. Turns out I have a deviated septum in my nose which then lead to me getting a cyst in one of my sinuses so over the summer I get to spend a good amount of time doing surgery and recovery. Fun. Haha. Right. *spark of sarcasm*
I actually got sick on Thursday night but I think I'm better now (I hope so at least). Chris made me tea and helped me sleep though and that right there was huge win. HUGE!! There was ample time for cuddling and hugging and loving and movie watching too. Oh, there was dinner with my parents, dinner with his parents, and lots of family get-to-know-one-another time. Woo! But his family is really cool so more wins!!
Ice skating pursued on Saturday. Yay! I haven't been skating since August so super treat right there. Phenominal food was also provided. Yay! Plus, Chris's brother and my sister are getting along well and that makes me happy.
Sunday I took off back here at school, but it's okay, because break was awesome. I'm totally refreshed and pumped about school again (which was definitely needed; all enthusiasm died a few weeks ago) and so now I'm ready to take on the world plus Chris is so amazing I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. *sigh* Life is just so amazing.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Relationships
I know, I'm talking about them again. But this time, it's not about mine.
So I'm growing up. Obviously. I'm eighteen. I'm in college. I have a lot of friends who are older than me. But something I'm not used to is the idea of marriage.
Individuals that I've met in college who are in their twenties, yes, I can understand the marriage factor. I've got plenty of those. It's not weird to me. I came back from break in January to learn that two of my Zeta sisters got engaged. Not that bad. But it's weird when the people I've known for a while are doing it.
I found out a couple days ago that one of my best friend's best friends got married last week. That was a shock. Crazy story to accompany that one but still. So now he's married. That was surprising.
On Saturday, one of my friends from high school that I've been friends with a minimum of four years got engaged. Holy Crap!!! Last time I checked, she was living in Paris far from here and no relationship whatsoever. Now she's engaged. I'm shocked.
But that's part of growing up, isn't it? First all the friends get into relationships (which was the weird thing I had to get used to last year and the year before). Now they're starting to get engaged. Eventually it'll be the marriages and then kids. Oi. We're getting old.
So I'm growing up. Obviously. I'm eighteen. I'm in college. I have a lot of friends who are older than me. But something I'm not used to is the idea of marriage.
Individuals that I've met in college who are in their twenties, yes, I can understand the marriage factor. I've got plenty of those. It's not weird to me. I came back from break in January to learn that two of my Zeta sisters got engaged. Not that bad. But it's weird when the people I've known for a while are doing it.
I found out a couple days ago that one of my best friend's best friends got married last week. That was a shock. Crazy story to accompany that one but still. So now he's married. That was surprising.
On Saturday, one of my friends from high school that I've been friends with a minimum of four years got engaged. Holy Crap!!! Last time I checked, she was living in Paris far from here and no relationship whatsoever. Now she's engaged. I'm shocked.
But that's part of growing up, isn't it? First all the friends get into relationships (which was the weird thing I had to get used to last year and the year before). Now they're starting to get engaged. Eventually it'll be the marriages and then kids. Oi. We're getting old.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
One Month
That's how long my epicness of happiness has been going on. AND it's all because of this amazing man who stepped into my life. Today is (in case you didn't figure it out) our one month. Yay! I'm so excited ^.^ Seriously, I feel as if I've been living merely a half-life up until now. It was like I was blind to the world until Chris came around and now I've been blinded. Who knows if I'll ever be able to see clearly again?
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Relationships
You know what really sucks about relationships? When you care about a friend and they're in a bad relationship and won't leave. That sucks. Then you try to tell them they should leave, but they don't want to listen to you because they're so madly in love with the person who keeps hurting them. (This isn't physical abuse, so don't worry). But it's horrible. And it sucks, because I want to be there for her and get her out of the verbally abusive relationship because it reminds me so much of my past relationship but I can't get her out of it any faster than anyone could have gotten me out of mine. And it SUCKS!!!!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Chris
I feel like talking about Chris. And not to people that I'm talking to all the time because, frankly, they get tired of me going on. So I'm going to write here, right now, and not worry about what people think. It's a good feeling =]
So. Chris. New boyfriend =] Chris makes my third boyfriend. Ever. Well, third official boyfriend. It kind of makes me laugh because I'm so retarded at relationships. But what can I say? The odd thing is that he makes me feel so good. I'd forgotten what that feels like. What's even more strange is how my heart feels.
Sam broke up with me a year (and three months almost) ago and I was shattered. Think all you like that I was okay like I said I was, but I wasn't. Hell, even I thought I was okay. But he had been my life for almost two years and to have him suddenly ripped out of it was a killer. It wasn't until January, when I still wasn't over him, that I decided that I was tired of it and I started actively working to move on. I was tired of being held back by someone who was only dragging me down. We were talking again for a little while in October and November, but then he stopped because his marijuana became too important. And when I really thought about it, I knew he was going no where with his life and I knew I wanted someone better.
Let me tell you, getting over him is a beast. But I think I'm pretty much successful in that endeavor. Sure, I get sad now and then when I think about it, but who doesn't feel sad when remembering old hurts? It's a part of life, and something that we should all be accustomed to. How can we ever learn if we never learn to let go? How can we be strong if we've never had a pain to grow strong from? And, as luck would have it, as soon as I decided to move on, suddenly the world saw it too and went to embrace me back with open arms.
What surprised me is that people could tell the difference. Sure, they didn't know what it was or what had caused it, but people can still tell these things. It was crazy! And, I was happy.
So Chris. Story with Chris. I'll tell the creamer story in another blog (that I will probably write after this one). But, for many who didn't actually know this, first time I knew who Chris was was my freshman year in high school because we had class together. Crazy, aye? Didn't even remember that until recently...
But Chris was always the guy that I saw from a distance as this really cool, really funny guy that everyone liked. He struck me as being one of those really popular guys that everyone knows who he is and really, who didn't like him? He made everyone laugh, was really smart, and he struck me as one of those people I really wanted to know. But I was always the quiet kid who didn't say anything. He'd tell stories and I would be looking away smiling while not making it completely apparent that I had been listening at all (Quiet fits of laughter were/are my expertise). Still, how would he know I existed?
I didn't have another class with him until 11th grade, but in that time I saw him in the hallways all the time and yet I could still see that I wanted to know who he was. Even when I was hating school and everything in it, I'd see him and just wonder how he could be so happy. And yet, even that made me feel a little better.
In 11th grade, I had Creative Writing with him. That class was AMAZING. w00t! Plus, Chris made me laugh. A lot. My favorite story that he told was about how some football players called him gay. His response was, "Oh, I'm gay? At least I don't slap other men's butts and enjoy rolling around in a pile of hot, sweaty men" and he turned and walked away. By the time they figured out it was an insult he was already long gone. It was priceless. Plus, he liked to write and I did too. He definitely rocked. But I left La Cueva at the end of the semester, so I didn't see him again.
I think I went until the summer following graduation (meaning last summer) before I saw him again. I knew he was friends with some of the people that I was friends with, but it didn't mean that we talked. Hell, I don't even think I'd spoken a word to him in the entire four years that I'd known him. But there was a little bit of silent acknowledgment of one another, and so it wasn't too bad.
When I got onto Facebook, I saw him listed under people that I may know. While accurate, I didn't think that I knew him well enough to friend request him. As much as I wanted to, I decided against it. But, as luck would have it, he saw me listed under people that he may know and he decided, "Why not?" and he went and asked me to be his friend.
When I saw his request, I was surprised because I didn't think that he even knew who I was, let alone be someone that he would want to add as a friend. But I decided. "Why not?" and so I went with it. We started talking a little bit, but then there was this silly survey on it asking you to fill out the answers to the questions based on what you knew of the person who had posted them. One of the questions was, "have you ever liked the person? If so, do you still?" Well, he answered it for me and said that he had liked me but thought that he was too weird for me. He posted the same quiz so that I could fill it out for him, and when I got to that question I replied saying that I had liked him but I didn't think he knew I existed so I didn't try to pursue it.
Not long after, he sent me a message saying how it was a bit funny how we had both liked one another and yet we thought the other one didn't. We laughed, but then he said that we should get coffee sometime but he was really busy. I said we could make it work.
Next time I was in town, it was Valentine's Day. A.K.A.: Singles' Awareness Day. After an invigorating game of Lap Tag, there was a special dinner to appreciate how single all of our friends were. Well, it just so happened that Chris was there, too. After some discreet flirting and number exchanging, we agreed that it would be most excellent to see each other again before I had to come back to school.
That Sunday was the best Sunday EVER. It started with bowling. Yay bowling!! The majority of people sucked at it, but it's okay. We couldn't play at first because no lanes were open, so Chris gave me money to play with the jukebox and others played pooled. Music was most excellent, and there was a bit more flirtation between Chris and myself. When we finally did play, it was much fun. I sucked, but it didn't matter because I kept talking with Chris and it was super awesome. After our time was up, everyone left raced to IHOP to enjoy some food. A couple hours went by, Abe bought our food/liquidy beverages, and most people who remained had to go home. That's when the creaming incident happened. Let's just say that after that, Chris and I were going crazy wanting to see each other again. So, we went out of our way to see each other one last time before I left the following day.
Monday was neat =D The morning was basically consumed with a couple of hours of shameless flirting and confessions of emotions and it was so disgustingly cute it was amazing. It even made a couple people tear up. And then we ran off at full speed to Starbucks to see each other again. It was then that we came together. And we are EPIC. It's understandable if you don't really get it, but it helps if you see us together. That's why it will always be remembered that 2-16-09 is super fantastic ^.^
So what about Chris? Well, he makes me feel incredible. I thought my heart had been destroyed by Sam. I'm not going to lie, after him I thought all men were horrible people who couldn't love or feel and only wanted women for their bodies. I was disgusted by men as a whole and just really resentful towards all of them. Uhg. But Chris? I'm still stunned that such a person can exist. My heart doesn't feel like the shattered fragments have been feebly put together, but rather that my heart had never been destroyed in the first place. Every day I wake up feeling amazing that such an incredible person could like me. The weird thing is that I found just the right person I was looking for.
After Sam, it started to become clearer what kind of things I wanted from a person. And Chris fills all of them and more. I think I'm the luckiest person alive, because someone as great as Chris is now in my life. This morning I woke up to this message from him:
":'D Krista, we're like N2, cuz we've got a strong bond!
Yer the cheese in meh mac and cheese, yer a prize fighter that KO'd me with one look of your beautiful face! If you were alcohol, I wouldn't be able to drive acuz I'm alway intoxicated by you! If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity! If I had a nickle every time in my life I've met someone as wonderful as you, I'd have five cents! I'm glad you don't wear makeup regularly, because you'd be messing with perfection! If I had a star for every time you brighten my day, I'd have a galaxy! To be completely honest, there isn't a word in the dictionary to describe how wonderful you are. Since we first hugged, I've been able to say I've been touched by an angel! I know this is totally out of the blue, I was just checking up on here for my last check of the day before I sleep and well, I saw yer pic and comment on meh profile and just had a random burst of totally crazy affection :D You just made today even better!"
Really, I can't stop smiling. And how could I? Just knowing that someone as amazing as Chris is out there and likes me of all people, it's just the greatest feeling in the world. So now it doesn't matter what's coming my way, what happens, what life tries to throw at me, because nothing is bringing me down. It's like I'm a helium balloon and all the bad things are grasping to the strings trying to bring me back down to earth and I'm just taking them with me =]
My life is fantastic, in large part to Chris. And I'm thankful every day that he continues to be mine ^.^
So. Chris. New boyfriend =] Chris makes my third boyfriend. Ever. Well, third official boyfriend. It kind of makes me laugh because I'm so retarded at relationships. But what can I say? The odd thing is that he makes me feel so good. I'd forgotten what that feels like. What's even more strange is how my heart feels.
Sam broke up with me a year (and three months almost) ago and I was shattered. Think all you like that I was okay like I said I was, but I wasn't. Hell, even I thought I was okay. But he had been my life for almost two years and to have him suddenly ripped out of it was a killer. It wasn't until January, when I still wasn't over him, that I decided that I was tired of it and I started actively working to move on. I was tired of being held back by someone who was only dragging me down. We were talking again for a little while in October and November, but then he stopped because his marijuana became too important. And when I really thought about it, I knew he was going no where with his life and I knew I wanted someone better.
Let me tell you, getting over him is a beast. But I think I'm pretty much successful in that endeavor. Sure, I get sad now and then when I think about it, but who doesn't feel sad when remembering old hurts? It's a part of life, and something that we should all be accustomed to. How can we ever learn if we never learn to let go? How can we be strong if we've never had a pain to grow strong from? And, as luck would have it, as soon as I decided to move on, suddenly the world saw it too and went to embrace me back with open arms.
What surprised me is that people could tell the difference. Sure, they didn't know what it was or what had caused it, but people can still tell these things. It was crazy! And, I was happy.
So Chris. Story with Chris. I'll tell the creamer story in another blog (that I will probably write after this one). But, for many who didn't actually know this, first time I knew who Chris was was my freshman year in high school because we had class together. Crazy, aye? Didn't even remember that until recently...
But Chris was always the guy that I saw from a distance as this really cool, really funny guy that everyone liked. He struck me as being one of those really popular guys that everyone knows who he is and really, who didn't like him? He made everyone laugh, was really smart, and he struck me as one of those people I really wanted to know. But I was always the quiet kid who didn't say anything. He'd tell stories and I would be looking away smiling while not making it completely apparent that I had been listening at all (Quiet fits of laughter were/are my expertise). Still, how would he know I existed?
I didn't have another class with him until 11th grade, but in that time I saw him in the hallways all the time and yet I could still see that I wanted to know who he was. Even when I was hating school and everything in it, I'd see him and just wonder how he could be so happy. And yet, even that made me feel a little better.
In 11th grade, I had Creative Writing with him. That class was AMAZING. w00t! Plus, Chris made me laugh. A lot. My favorite story that he told was about how some football players called him gay. His response was, "Oh, I'm gay? At least I don't slap other men's butts and enjoy rolling around in a pile of hot, sweaty men" and he turned and walked away. By the time they figured out it was an insult he was already long gone. It was priceless. Plus, he liked to write and I did too. He definitely rocked. But I left La Cueva at the end of the semester, so I didn't see him again.
I think I went until the summer following graduation (meaning last summer) before I saw him again. I knew he was friends with some of the people that I was friends with, but it didn't mean that we talked. Hell, I don't even think I'd spoken a word to him in the entire four years that I'd known him. But there was a little bit of silent acknowledgment of one another, and so it wasn't too bad.
When I got onto Facebook, I saw him listed under people that I may know. While accurate, I didn't think that I knew him well enough to friend request him. As much as I wanted to, I decided against it. But, as luck would have it, he saw me listed under people that he may know and he decided, "Why not?" and he went and asked me to be his friend.
When I saw his request, I was surprised because I didn't think that he even knew who I was, let alone be someone that he would want to add as a friend. But I decided. "Why not?" and so I went with it. We started talking a little bit, but then there was this silly survey on it asking you to fill out the answers to the questions based on what you knew of the person who had posted them. One of the questions was, "have you ever liked the person? If so, do you still?" Well, he answered it for me and said that he had liked me but thought that he was too weird for me. He posted the same quiz so that I could fill it out for him, and when I got to that question I replied saying that I had liked him but I didn't think he knew I existed so I didn't try to pursue it.
Not long after, he sent me a message saying how it was a bit funny how we had both liked one another and yet we thought the other one didn't. We laughed, but then he said that we should get coffee sometime but he was really busy. I said we could make it work.
Next time I was in town, it was Valentine's Day. A.K.A.: Singles' Awareness Day. After an invigorating game of Lap Tag, there was a special dinner to appreciate how single all of our friends were. Well, it just so happened that Chris was there, too. After some discreet flirting and number exchanging, we agreed that it would be most excellent to see each other again before I had to come back to school.
That Sunday was the best Sunday EVER. It started with bowling. Yay bowling!! The majority of people sucked at it, but it's okay. We couldn't play at first because no lanes were open, so Chris gave me money to play with the jukebox and others played pooled. Music was most excellent, and there was a bit more flirtation between Chris and myself. When we finally did play, it was much fun. I sucked, but it didn't matter because I kept talking with Chris and it was super awesome. After our time was up, everyone left raced to IHOP to enjoy some food. A couple hours went by, Abe bought our food/liquidy beverages, and most people who remained had to go home. That's when the creaming incident happened. Let's just say that after that, Chris and I were going crazy wanting to see each other again. So, we went out of our way to see each other one last time before I left the following day.
Monday was neat =D The morning was basically consumed with a couple of hours of shameless flirting and confessions of emotions and it was so disgustingly cute it was amazing. It even made a couple people tear up. And then we ran off at full speed to Starbucks to see each other again. It was then that we came together. And we are EPIC. It's understandable if you don't really get it, but it helps if you see us together. That's why it will always be remembered that 2-16-09 is super fantastic ^.^
So what about Chris? Well, he makes me feel incredible. I thought my heart had been destroyed by Sam. I'm not going to lie, after him I thought all men were horrible people who couldn't love or feel and only wanted women for their bodies. I was disgusted by men as a whole and just really resentful towards all of them. Uhg. But Chris? I'm still stunned that such a person can exist. My heart doesn't feel like the shattered fragments have been feebly put together, but rather that my heart had never been destroyed in the first place. Every day I wake up feeling amazing that such an incredible person could like me. The weird thing is that I found just the right person I was looking for.
After Sam, it started to become clearer what kind of things I wanted from a person. And Chris fills all of them and more. I think I'm the luckiest person alive, because someone as great as Chris is now in my life. This morning I woke up to this message from him:
":'D Krista, we're like N2, cuz we've got a strong bond!
Yer the cheese in meh mac and cheese, yer a prize fighter that KO'd me with one look of your beautiful face! If you were alcohol, I wouldn't be able to drive acuz I'm alway intoxicated by you! If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity! If I had a nickle every time in my life I've met someone as wonderful as you, I'd have five cents! I'm glad you don't wear makeup regularly, because you'd be messing with perfection! If I had a star for every time you brighten my day, I'd have a galaxy! To be completely honest, there isn't a word in the dictionary to describe how wonderful you are. Since we first hugged, I've been able to say I've been touched by an angel! I know this is totally out of the blue, I was just checking up on here for my last check of the day before I sleep and well, I saw yer pic and comment on meh profile and just had a random burst of totally crazy affection :D You just made today even better!"
Really, I can't stop smiling. And how could I? Just knowing that someone as amazing as Chris is out there and likes me of all people, it's just the greatest feeling in the world. So now it doesn't matter what's coming my way, what happens, what life tries to throw at me, because nothing is bringing me down. It's like I'm a helium balloon and all the bad things are grasping to the strings trying to bring me back down to earth and I'm just taking them with me =]
My life is fantastic, in large part to Chris. And I'm thankful every day that he continues to be mine ^.^
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Surprising Weekend
So this weekend I went home for the 2008 Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta. For those of you who have no idea what in the world that is, basically it's over 800 hot air balloons all getting together for about 9 days to fly every morning. It's amazing. Anyway, I am friends with a balloon pilot who flies Fiesta and so I help crew. If you don't know what a balloon crew does, they are the ones who help set up the balloon, fill it with air, and get it into the air. Then they chase the balloon with the pilot inside and when the balloon comes down, the crew is there to catch them and help bring the balloon down. It's sooo much fun. Thus, this weekend I decided to enjoy my time and go crew. It was good stuff. So here's what made it weird.
I was introduced to my pilot, John, by my ex-boyfriend, Sam. Sam has been crewing for John for at least 11 years (I think). Well, his parents aren't really crewing much these days and he lacks a car, so he wouldn't be able to crew Fiesta this year unless he had a ride. Last year I was his ride, but since we broke up this past January, we hadn't really talked that much and I was under the impression that he pretty much hated me with a fiery passion. Still, Fiesta is the BIGGEST time for crewing, and definitely the most fun. Because I wouldn't have had the opportunity to ever go to Fiesta, let alone crew it without having had Sam in my life, I figured it was only appropriate for me to ask if he wanted to go as well during the one weekend I was going to be there for it. So I called him up about two weeks before Fiesta to ask if he wanted to go. He was kind of busy so he said to call him later. During the week leading up to Fiesta, I called him again and we decided that he was going to come with me and crew that weekend. It was weird because he talked to me like we'd been friends for the past nine months rather than on a non-speaking basis. That Friday last week we arranged what time I'd be coming to get him and when we'd be meeting up and all those finer details. So at 4:15 a.m. on Saturday morning I showed up at his house and we went to crew Fiesta.
It wasn't bad, actually. However, it did prove to be a bit awkward. For one, his scent was driving me insane. What you have to remember is that we started dating when I was clinically depressed, and his smell helped make me feel better (mainly because I'd be held to him and I'd be smelling him so his smell comforted me). I haven't smelled it in over nine months (because I can't remember smelling it much during the last few months we were together) and so to have it take over the van we were in was driving me insane. Another thing was I didn't know how to act towards him, and I don't think he knew how to act around me. We both felt a little weird. Still, by the end of the day, we were talking at least, and messing around a bit like we used to. Still, it was a little awkward.
That night, I ended up hanging out with him (unexpectedly, for it wasn't planned). We pretty much drove around town for about an hour and a half just talking and catching each other up on our lives since we'd last really talked, which was in January. I also found out in that conversation that he never hated me, and that's when I learned just how much it was affecting me thinking that he hated me all this time. It was amazing. Just suddenly how much everything changed by hearing the words, "I never hated you." It hit me then just how much he still meant to me. And then everything I've been trying to block up in my mind for the past nine months starting breaking my wall. More and more started to slip through. I went home that night feeling so relieved it was insane.
The next morning, we didn't crew, because it was raining all night. But it was okay. My friend, Kim, had come with me to crew, so her, Sam, and myself decided that even though we weren't crewing we'd hang out anyway. All we did was sit in my car next to a park just jamming to Jack Johnson and talking. It was nice. And I learned that Sam and I were friends again. Just like that. Nine months of hating (by me) and silence and angst and then after 24 hours it was shattered and suddenly we were friends just like before. I was stunned. I went back to school that afternoon completely dazed from the shock. It was like the past nine months hadn't happened, or like it had just been a weekend apart. My wall blocking all my thoughts and emotions towards Sam completely crumbled beneath the weight of everything. And then I started to realize some things.
For one, what if Sam had been hurting this whole time as much as I have? I wouldn't feel so bad about everything if I knew he had hurt as much as I had. I spent so much time denying the fact that my heart was crying every day because I'd lost my best friend and my other half. For nine months I'd been denying the fact that I was so upset. I lived my life pretending that I didn't care and that I hated him, but I couldn't, because I still loved him. I pushed myself to do so much that I wouldn't have done before as a means of trying to forget about him, to move on, and yet I still couldn't do it. I'd still have days where all I could do was think about him and how upset I was. And I realized that maybe he felt the same, and maybe he was doing the same thing.
And then, what if I had hurt him as bad as he hurt me? He broke up with me, but I flat out told him I didn't care because I was going to break up with him anyway, he just beat me to it. What if that hurt him even more because he hadn't really wanted to break up, but was just scared to do it? Then to find out that I didn't even care, because it was coming anyway. I mean, that had the potential to be the destroyer of worlds. And what if some of the stuff that he had said, like how he had supposedly never loved me, had only been said because it would make the pain of losing me feel like less than it was? What if we'd both been living a lie to try and deny the fact that we both felt like death about being apart and not speaking?
That's when I realized that I couldn't just pretend like he hadn't affected me the way he had. I am who I am because he was a part of my life. I grew and changed and matured with him and it was because of our relationship that I am who I am. And so much shifted in my brain that I don't know what I'm going to do now. I guess I'll just keep going, and see how this develops.
I was introduced to my pilot, John, by my ex-boyfriend, Sam. Sam has been crewing for John for at least 11 years (I think). Well, his parents aren't really crewing much these days and he lacks a car, so he wouldn't be able to crew Fiesta this year unless he had a ride. Last year I was his ride, but since we broke up this past January, we hadn't really talked that much and I was under the impression that he pretty much hated me with a fiery passion. Still, Fiesta is the BIGGEST time for crewing, and definitely the most fun. Because I wouldn't have had the opportunity to ever go to Fiesta, let alone crew it without having had Sam in my life, I figured it was only appropriate for me to ask if he wanted to go as well during the one weekend I was going to be there for it. So I called him up about two weeks before Fiesta to ask if he wanted to go. He was kind of busy so he said to call him later. During the week leading up to Fiesta, I called him again and we decided that he was going to come with me and crew that weekend. It was weird because he talked to me like we'd been friends for the past nine months rather than on a non-speaking basis. That Friday last week we arranged what time I'd be coming to get him and when we'd be meeting up and all those finer details. So at 4:15 a.m. on Saturday morning I showed up at his house and we went to crew Fiesta.
It wasn't bad, actually. However, it did prove to be a bit awkward. For one, his scent was driving me insane. What you have to remember is that we started dating when I was clinically depressed, and his smell helped make me feel better (mainly because I'd be held to him and I'd be smelling him so his smell comforted me). I haven't smelled it in over nine months (because I can't remember smelling it much during the last few months we were together) and so to have it take over the van we were in was driving me insane. Another thing was I didn't know how to act towards him, and I don't think he knew how to act around me. We both felt a little weird. Still, by the end of the day, we were talking at least, and messing around a bit like we used to. Still, it was a little awkward.
That night, I ended up hanging out with him (unexpectedly, for it wasn't planned). We pretty much drove around town for about an hour and a half just talking and catching each other up on our lives since we'd last really talked, which was in January. I also found out in that conversation that he never hated me, and that's when I learned just how much it was affecting me thinking that he hated me all this time. It was amazing. Just suddenly how much everything changed by hearing the words, "I never hated you." It hit me then just how much he still meant to me. And then everything I've been trying to block up in my mind for the past nine months starting breaking my wall. More and more started to slip through. I went home that night feeling so relieved it was insane.
The next morning, we didn't crew, because it was raining all night. But it was okay. My friend, Kim, had come with me to crew, so her, Sam, and myself decided that even though we weren't crewing we'd hang out anyway. All we did was sit in my car next to a park just jamming to Jack Johnson and talking. It was nice. And I learned that Sam and I were friends again. Just like that. Nine months of hating (by me) and silence and angst and then after 24 hours it was shattered and suddenly we were friends just like before. I was stunned. I went back to school that afternoon completely dazed from the shock. It was like the past nine months hadn't happened, or like it had just been a weekend apart. My wall blocking all my thoughts and emotions towards Sam completely crumbled beneath the weight of everything. And then I started to realize some things.
For one, what if Sam had been hurting this whole time as much as I have? I wouldn't feel so bad about everything if I knew he had hurt as much as I had. I spent so much time denying the fact that my heart was crying every day because I'd lost my best friend and my other half. For nine months I'd been denying the fact that I was so upset. I lived my life pretending that I didn't care and that I hated him, but I couldn't, because I still loved him. I pushed myself to do so much that I wouldn't have done before as a means of trying to forget about him, to move on, and yet I still couldn't do it. I'd still have days where all I could do was think about him and how upset I was. And I realized that maybe he felt the same, and maybe he was doing the same thing.
And then, what if I had hurt him as bad as he hurt me? He broke up with me, but I flat out told him I didn't care because I was going to break up with him anyway, he just beat me to it. What if that hurt him even more because he hadn't really wanted to break up, but was just scared to do it? Then to find out that I didn't even care, because it was coming anyway. I mean, that had the potential to be the destroyer of worlds. And what if some of the stuff that he had said, like how he had supposedly never loved me, had only been said because it would make the pain of losing me feel like less than it was? What if we'd both been living a lie to try and deny the fact that we both felt like death about being apart and not speaking?
That's when I realized that I couldn't just pretend like he hadn't affected me the way he had. I am who I am because he was a part of my life. I grew and changed and matured with him and it was because of our relationship that I am who I am. And so much shifted in my brain that I don't know what I'm going to do now. I guess I'll just keep going, and see how this develops.
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