Thursday, December 31, 2009

End of the Year

So, it's the last day of the year, in almost the last 30 minutes, and so I guess I find myself wanting to do a reflection on this past year. The best word to describe it: Fuck.

There was a bunch of crazy hospital visits, crazy stories with my roommate, weird classes, summer love, drama, drinking, smoking, partying, friends, engagements, weddings, moving, surgery, and wwaaay too much drama. Damn. I have had three boyfriends this year, none of which were recurring thank god. I've read a lot of good books. I had experiences I never thought I would. I failed my first class. I did a lot of stuff I never saw myself doing ever. It's been interesting.

So how do I feel about this year? I'm more grateful than anything else because it's finally over. And I thought 2006 was an interesting year... I guess 2009 kicks that one's ass. I'm looking at 2010 as a time to start over. I'm going to use it as a moment where I can hit the reset button and start over. It's a new semester. I'm already talking to different people. A lot of the people who were causing a bunch of issues for me last semester aren't around anymore. I have a boyfriend. I have new classes and a much calmer schedule. So I'm hoping that this will be different. I don't want to deal with the same shit I did. I'm ready to start over. And I have some pretty fantastic people who are going to be there with me when I do. I'm ready for this new beginning. If only Chris was here, now... Fuck I miss him so bad...

Wednesday, December 30, 2009


I don't watch it because I hate it. Generally, I don't care if other people watch it and if it's on I'll join you, but it doesn't really mean I enjoy it. I don't own a television of my own. When I'm at home I never go and turn it on just to watch it. It isn't my thing. But I think it goes back to the days when I was younger.

If you knew me as a little kid you knew that I watched TV all the time. That's why my parents got my sister and me into sports. Well, part of the reason. So I watched it all the time. Once we moved, though, I just wasn't that into it. Middle school came and went and I was relatively busy so I didn't watch it and I just had other stuff to do. I became less inclined to watch. And then ninth grade happened.

I was pretty depressed after 8th grade because I left all my friends and while I thought we were going to be friends in high school we weren't because they went to Eldorado and I went to La Cueva. Well, over winter break I went to a church camp and it changed my life. It was amazing! So after the drive from Denver to Albuquerque I came home and wanted to tell my mom all about it. I walked in after being gone for a week and my mom and sister were watching TV. I tried to say hi and tell them about it, but my mom hardly looked at me and told me to be quiet because her show was on. She didn't want to hear about it. I don't think she realized how much that hurt.

After that, I began actually hating it. I never hated it before that, it was when it was placed above me by my mother of all people that I turned. So I am an avid television hater. I think it destroys families from the inside out and it tears homes apart. But people don't see that because it numbs the mind. Television drains all creativity from the mind and drowns it in a dull environment with instant action that's fast paced and moving rapidly. No one has to think because you don't have enough time to. And as it numbs the brain you can't think of anything better to do then to continue numbing yourself with the same bullshit. And then families fall apart because the television and the people in the shows your watching become more like family to you than the actual people who should matter, your own flesh and blood. The only thing I can think of at this point is in Fahrenheit 451 when the main character's wife is so into her television room and her "family" that she has no idea what is really going on in the world and that's how their society is. I fucking hate it and we're moving rapidly in that direction. It's fucking bullshit. Uhg.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

I'm Feeling Better, Which Is Good

Yeah, I knew that people were going to flip out when I changed statuses on stupid sites like Facebook and Myspace to being "In a Relationship". Stupid, yes, but nonetheless people freaked. Mainly because of all the shit I got myself into this semester, now I have a handful of guys who can watch as I go off with someone else. Sorry, but it's my life.

Anyway, I felt like shit about it earlier. I was super depressed and felt horrible about how it hit one guy in particular. But at the same time, I can't wait forever. So I'm happy and after a good long nap I feel substantially better. Yay! Now it's just me and my cranberry juice and dark chocolate pretzels. If only my room was clean, too...


So, holy crap. That's all I can say. But basically, I have a boyfriend. Chris, a.k.a., Monkey. So from now on, ex boyfriend Chris will always be referred to as Stahelin, and Monkey will always be referred to as Chris. Hopefully this will lessen confusion.

So Chris is amazing. Just saying. He's super smart, he makes me laugh, he reads amazing books, we have really cool discussions on just about anything, and I can talk to him and I feel like he honestly cares about what I have to say and what I think. It's a fantastic feeling.

Anyway, I'm just really excited for the first time in a really long time. I don't know where this is going but I'm hoping it works out. For the first time in months I have hope again. It's a good feeling.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Moving On

It's one of the hardest things you could ever do, to walk away from something you care about, to let go of past pain, past hardship, past friendship. How do you let go and move on as if it doesn't affect you? I've done it so many times and sometimes I just have to wonder why.

To start with, schools. Yeah, self-inflicted pain. Over and over again. Because I went to a tiny private school for elementary school, I left my friends behind when I got to middle school. I got a transfer into Hoover Middle School, and if you know anything about that school you know that everyone, yes, EVERYONE, goes to Eldorado for high school. I had a transfer to Eldorado. I decided to go to La Cueva instead. "Because it'll be better for me and I will learn more and do better." Hahaha, we all saw how that worked out. I was miserable. That school was one of the reasons I was suicidal. So in my junior year, half way through the year, I left my friends there to go to Southwest Secondary Learning Center. Bad choice. But whatever. Educationally, it's what I needed. And I was not doing well at La Cueva. It really was time to leave. But now I was at an even more anti-social school where the teachers suck, I spent limited time there, and didn't talk to anyone. Yup. Maybe not the best choice but it was all I had. And then for college, when all my friends went to UNM, I went to ENMU. Where I knew quite literally nobody. Yup, way to sabotage myself.

Recently, it's been getting over exes and the best friends that have left me over the years. Moving on from things I've lost, like skating and dancing, friends like Maddie, Minion Twin, Kirsi, Evann, and Jalisa, exes like Sam and Chris, and recently, fighting for the life I lost. Life is hard.

So what do you do? Yeah, I've voluntarily uprooted and moved myself far away for the sole purpose of starting over. I've gone places and done things that completely changed everything I know. But moving on and acting like it doesn't affect you? How do you do that? How can I go on acting like I'm not hurting from all the shit that's gone on in my life? Maybe you never get over pain, maybe you just learn to live with it. But with an ever growing pain that only expands as time goes on rather than diminishes, how do you do that? I try to live life as if I don't have years of hurt building on one another but sometimes I wonder if all I do is live a lie, putting on a show for the rest of the world about how "okay" I am. And then I wonder, why?

Saturday, December 19, 2009


You know, I was a little hesitant to post my last post because I knew that some of the reactions I'd get for doing a post like that would be people freaking out that I'm suicidal. But honestly, I'm not. All that happened was I read a book where suicide was the main theme. I know that a lot of people don't know a lot about it or how to deal with people who are suicidal, so I figured I would use my past experiences and personal knowledge on it to share with others who don't know as much as I do.

I'm not suicidal. Have I been in the past? Yes. Am I now? No. That's in my past. I have grown as a person beyond that point where I started to think that was my only way out. And no, it wasn't easy. It never is. But let me tell you, after having been there, I fight very hard to avoid going back there. It sucks and I hate it. So I work not to be there.

But the point of my suicide post is to bring understanding about a taboo subject in our society. I think it's tragic that it isn't talked about more. But then again, it's the taboo subjects that are always my favorite. Still, suicide hits home for me. And I know how much it hurts when society keeps it so "hush hush" when it needs to be talked about because it is a serious issue. So that's what I hoped to do with my post. To bring understanding and light to a commonly misunderstood subject. Some people got that and really appreciated it. Other people got a little too worried. But it's okay, I'm alright. I promise =]

Thursday, December 17, 2009


Ever sat back and thought about it? Ever just think, "What if?" Maybe you know someone who's done it. Maybe you've been close yourself. Maybe you've tried. Maybe you know people who've tried. Maybe it's just something that happens to other people. Okay, so this is a random subject, I know. And maybe you're worried about me because of posts I've had or you know I'm hormonal. But don't worry. This post isn't really about that. Sort of.

Today I read this book my sister loaned me. It's called Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher. The basic gist of this book is that this girl, Hannah Baker, killed herself, but before she did it she made a series of tapes, directed at 13 people. One of the people is who you follow as he listens through the tapes. So here's a girl whom everyone thought was fine and dandy until she stopped showing up to school one day and it was rumored that she killed herself. So it really got me thinking.

I know that people take it very seriously, but when it looks them in the face they don't know what to do with it. In general people have a tendency to look at suicide as something serious but also as something of a joke. They can't understand why a person would feel so low about life that they feel that is the only way for them to get out of it. They look at is as one of the most selfish acts and blame the person who does it. Most of these people have never been suicidal themselves.

I have. When I was in my sophomore year of high school, I was highly suicidal, reason being I couldn't see any way that my life could get better. I lost all hope. And generally, that's what happens. People who are suicidal don't start out that way. But as shit keeps going wrong and as their attempts to get through it prove futile, they slowly lose hope. When they lose hope there's only one thing that seems like an answer and even that isn't there for a while because suicidal people would love more than anything not to do it. They want to believe that someone out there still cares enough to notice that that's what they are thinking of and to tell them that it isn't their only option. But so often that doesn't happen.

Now maybe you're wondering, "How can you make a generalization of all suicidal people off of what you alone experienced? You aren't everyone, and even you recognize that every person is different." Well, you are correct. So what led me to this conclusion? Alright, first lame reason is reading all of those suicide pamphlets and whatnot talking about suicide. Lame, I know. Also, books, like the one mentioned above. Okay, they're fiction, but I know they're based on truth, at least when they focus on the emotional side of it. And no, this isn't the first book I've read focusing on suicide. No, those contribute, but the real reason I know is because I've had multiple friends who have been suicidal and I have been the one to pull them out of it. I know their thought process.

So that leads me to another question. What do you do when you have a friend who is suicidal, and they're about to do something to themselves? Ever been there? I have. The easy answer is to go to them, be with them in person, and talk them out of it. But what about when you're only means of talking them out of doing it is through IM because you don't have a car, you can't drive, you can't call, and it's 12 am and you can't leave your house? Yeah, I've done that, too, and it sucks. But every person is different so the words it takes to show them that people, at least yourself, care are going to be different and only you as their friend will know what to say.

Maybe now you're asking, "Well how do I know if one of my friends is suicidal? How can I tell if they are thinking about it? How can I be there for them?" Good question. Every person is different, like I said. The emotional base is similar. And actions are also similar. From my personal experience, for that is really the best place I can look to, look at friends who slowly change. Maybe they used to be fun and outgoing and talk a lot. Now they slowly withdraw from social activity. They don't talk as much, they look less and less "there", they laugh less, and they just seem different. Maybe you noticed that something was up, and you asked if they were okay. The only answer they gave you is that they're "fine" or "tired" or "nothing".

Okay, from my own experience, yeah, I'd say that basically because I didn't want you to know that something was up. On the surface at least. But deep down, what I wanted more than anything was for someone to not just be superficially asking because that's what society deems correct behavior around someone like that. What I really wanted was for someone to look at me and say, "Krista, I know you aren't okay. What's really going on? Talk to me. I'm here for you." And even if I didn't say anything, it would have meant the world because someone noticed that I wasn't okay and actually wanted to be there for me. And hey, if you have someone who still won't talk to you after that, maybe it's because they're in shock that someone noticed. Or maybe they themselves didn't notice that something was really up. Or, like I probably would have done had anyone actually said that, they insist they're fine. If you're their friend, and you know they aren't fine, let it go for now, because maybe they just aren't ready to talk about whatever it is. The next day if they're the same way, just remind them that you are someone to talk to and that they care. It may not seem like much to you, but trust me, in times like that, it can change everything. Plus, the more they hear you say it, the more likely they are to believe it.

Anyway, I should probably stop this whole tirade on suicide. It's a big subject. But I guess something I really want to get out there is pay attention. Notice your friends. Notice the little things. Little comments on suicide may just seem like a joke and while they may play it off as such, it's really used as a judge to see how you react to it. Dramatic changes. I know, sounds silly, right? But no. Mine was wearing all black. All the time. With heavier and heavier makeup. In Thirteen Reasons Why, her dramatic change was cutting off all of her hair. Little things that are played off, don't let them. Mine was when I carved a heart into my hand. Yeah, lots of people asked about it when they realized that it wasn't drawn on, that I actually cut it into my hand. For those of you who weren't there, here was my response when they asked why: "Because I felt like it." The most typical reaction I got was people looking at me like I was crazy and pretending like they'd never asked and never noticed. So I wasn't a typical cutter, but that's because I didn't want to die. I wanted people to notice that something was wrong. No one did. Well, except my parents when they learned, thanks to my sister, that it wasn't drawn on. I was seeing a councilor within a week.

So I guess that's my last tidbit. If talking to them still doesn't work, get them help. Tell people, like parents, like councilors, that they need help. Here's something you can give them personally, of which I know it's saved lives. It's a phone number. You ready? It's 1-800-SUICIDE. You could also give them . Trust me, it's saved countless lives. And it could very well be what saves your friend's. But the most helpful advice I can give you from someone who's been there, just be there for them. And when you want to give up on them the most, that's more likely than not the time they need you the most. So if a friend acts differently and distances themselves, don't just let them go. Fight.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Things I wish I had the balls to say to people

1. I loved you. I really did. But you took that and destroyed it into hundreds of thousands of little pieces. And I don't think you understand the depth at which you destroyed me. I was a mess for two years and now you come back wanting to make it all better. I hate it. But I think I've moved on. I don't mind being your friend but I want nothing more because you've hurt me so bad that I can't not feel it. My body has gone numb to you and I don't feel anything for you. And I don't know if I ever will. So maybe we can be friends. But I can't pour my heart into you. And maybe you changed, and while I can see the compassion in your eyes you're still the exact same person you were when I left you. And I need more than that in my life. So thanks for teaching me how to get the fuck over you and move on with my life. But please, let me be happy with someone else.

2. I might love you. Maybe. But you know what sucks? You still love your ex. And let me tell you, I know exactly how that goes. And you know what else that means? It doesn't matter how much I care about you. It doesn't matter that I might possibly love you because in the end you won't feel shit about me because you still love her. I've fought tooth and nail for you for five months. You tell me you've done nothing with other people and yet I have friends who've said they've seen you with others. So who do I believe? I stand up for you, I fight for you, and yet you are still so in love with her that you can't see that. So why am I still fighting? Why am I still trying? We're just going to keep using each other for momentary pleasure and comfort while we lose ourselves in the depths of our minds. Neither one of us opens up to the other because we're scared shitless. But love takes work and if you didn't get hurt then it wasn't worth it. So I'm going to move on. I'm sorry. I tried. I tried to be there for you when no one else would. But you always kept me at a distance. So now I need to move on because I need someone to be there for me when I need them and you're not.

3. What the fuck happened to you? You were such a sweet guy? Honestly, I did care about you. Maybe I didn't love you. But I did care. And you threw that away! What the hell?! Why did you become like this? If it was because of me, I'm sorry. I know I have the tendency to destroy people. Especially the ones closest to me. But still. You had your friends and yet you turned your back on every single one of them and became someone you're not. If I could have told you six months ago about the person you are now, I think you would laugh and say that's ridiculous. But I can't say anything to you now because you won't listen to me or anyone else. What happened to you? It hurts seeing you like this. I just wish you could see. And maybe we could understand why. It just doesn't make sense. I told you everything and you left, too. Way too lie like everyone else. Thanks.

4. Seriously, I'm not angry that you wanted sex and that's the only reason you began talking to me. I'm not angry about that. I could really care less. Honestly, you have no idea how many guys have just come up to me and said, "Hey, I want to fuck you." It happens. What I'm angry about is that you made me believe you were different. You convinced me that you were there for me, that you were interested in me, that you saw me as a person that no one else saw me as this whole semester. You took me seriously, listened to my thoughts, my opinions, my ideas. You took time to understand me. You asked me about myself. You acted like you wanted to know me. It meant so much to me because no one's done that, just ask question after question about me not because they felt they had to but because they honestly wanted to. And then I found out that all of that was a lie. I honestly believe that it did change. I believe you when you say that it moved beyond sex. Even though we never did, I know you wanted to. But I know that wasn't your driving motive. It just bothers me that when you came to me under the pretext of wanting to know me unlike everyone else who just saw me as a stupid blond who can't think and is just another sorority girl, it hurt to find out that all you had wanted was sex. Just like everyone else. That's why I was angry. Because it felt like everything that had made the basis of our friendship was a lie. I felt like I couldn't trust you anymore. I felt like suddenly it didn't matter what I said, you didn't actually care. That's why I was angry. I felt betrayed and like I'd lost yet another close friend.

5. I'm just not interested. Stop asking me for sex. Stop asking me for alone time. You aren't the only one asking either. But I'm not just an object for you to use and manipulate. So leave me the fuck alone and let me get on with my life. Casually fucking isn't something I do. So find someone else.

6. Stop treating me like you're fucking superior to me!!! You aren't! The world does not revolve around you. You're an insecure child. Stop acting like you know everything and that I know nothing. I'm not just pretty, there's more to me than that. But you wouldn't actually know that unless you talked to me. But no, it's just you who does all the talking and talking down on me. Leave me the fuck alone. If you can't respect me I wish you could just let me be.

7. I like you, but only as a friend. I don't know what they told you about me, but I'm fucked up this semester. Sure, I may be awesome when my shit's together, but it's not right now. And I like you as a person, but I can't see anything more than friendship between us. So tell them to stop pushing you. I know you deserve a great person in your life, but I can also tell you that right now that person isn't me. I'm only going to hurt you more. So please, let me be.

8. I like you. I really do. And you know what? Maybe we can be more than friends. You're funny, you're smart, you make me laugh. You think, you're Greek, and you're close by. You care, you'd treat me well, and you have a fantastic choice in books. I think that things could really work out. Since I'm moving on from other people, I really want to pursue you. You seem super awesome and I want to see where this goes. No matter what anyone thinks.

9. I'm not perfect. Get over it. I know you don't know the semester I've had, but I've been doing damn good despite that. I know I wasn't perfect, but don't hold it against me. I won't bring her down with me, she's smarter than that. I know she has more of a future than I do. So focus on her. She loves you guys. But don't take it for granted because it won't always be there if you do.

10. Girl, I miss you like crazy. What the fuck? But you're always busy. Always. I want to spend time with you. We hardly ever see each other. But I miss you and you say you miss me too but yet you don't try to see me. I know your life is important to you. I can respect that. But sometimes I just need a friend who's been there through it all to give me a hug and let me cry because boys are stupid and break hearts. And everyone needs some girl time.

11. Stop bitching. Your life is fine. Stop harassing me. You don't take my advice anyway. So get the fuck over it, stop making all this drama for you, and grow up. If you really wanted my advice, you'd take it and then you wouldn't keep running into the same problems. Trust me, it's getting old.

12. You are awesome. I'm sorry I'm not there for you more. You really are amazing. I'm sorry I fail at being a good sister to you.

13. You guys fucking suck. I wish you hadn't gotten the offices you did. I'm sure there were better people for it. But it's too late now so I'll suck it up. I just thought you guys should know.

14. I know you guys care, but can you please back the fuck off. I'm making my own mistakes that I can use later to learn from. These are experiences I need, and it doesn't help to have you acting like my parent. Just be my friend and be there for me when it all blows up in my face just like you said it would.

Friday, December 11, 2009

I'm Back

Home, at least. Or rather, home in Albuquerque with my family. And yet I miss Portales like crazy. It's odd how after a year and a half of living there I feel more connected there than I do to Albuquerque. I have a stronger, more established life there. It isn't the flitty day-by-day passings of life that I had here in Albuquerque, but more like a home that I've established myself in. The life that I have there is mine, created solely by me and dictated by me into everything that I want. Nothing I have there was influenced by anyone else. I made it, and it is my life. It's not so here. So I guess it goes back to that saying, Home is where the heart is. My heart is in Portales. I'm sorry to all my friends and family in Albuquerque, but my heart really isn't here anymore.

Still, there is still a lot here that I don't have in Portales. My friends and family, for instance. If I could take them and put them there, it would be awesome. And life would be rather interesting. But at the same time, both places provide me a means of escape from the life I have in either one. Both have drama, both have problems, and both I need to get away from every now and then. So I'm back in Albuquerque for a bit over a month. Maybe it'll cause the drama from back home to settle down since I won't be there to feed it. 5 weeks is a long time. A lot can happen. But then I have to wonder how, now that I'm back here, things will change. I don't know what's coming for me. All I know is that I'm ready to deal with it. So let's go life. Show me what you got. Because after this hell of a semester I think I can take on anything.

Thursday, December 10, 2009


So, recently the most thought provoking thing has come up and I have no idea what to make of it. Sam came back. Which isn't too surprising or anything because I was the one who started talking to him a little over a month ago. What's surprising is that he said he was sorry. For everything. That he was sorry for hurting me, sorry for leaving me the way he did, sorry for destroying my heart, sorry for being a dick, sorry for treating me like shit, sorry for not giving me the respect I deserve. And then he said he wanted to make it up to me and asked for a second chance. I don't know what to think.

For so long I was convinced he hated me, so convinced that he never loved me and that he just said he did. But when I think about it, I know it's not true. He says that he was as torn up about breaking up as I was, that he didn't even really know why we broke up because he didn't really want to either. We helped each other through so much. He was my best friend. I told him everything. He was always there for me. And yeah we had some bad times at the end but what couple doesn't when it's ending? For two years he was my life and I lost it all and it killed me, but now I have the possibility to get it back. The love of my life, the person I've cared for longer than I could care for myself, the person I never gave up on when everyone else did, the person who helped me through the darkest time of my life, I could have him back. So what's the problem, right?

Because it did end badly. There was some fucked up shit that happened. Stuff was said that was pretty hurtful. Weird shit happened. So what if that happens again? I've been doing well without him, so I could keep going, right? I knew at the time that we were better apart. And I told everyone I was better without him. And after some of the shit that happened between us that I told other people, well, they wouldn't be too pleased if we got back together.

Also, there's the people out here that I've been getting close to. Mel is awesome and I've been falling for him. But he doesn't feel the same. He is still in love with his ex and I know he can't feel for me until he moves past her. And sometimes I think I'd be better not worrying about him. But I still care for him way too much. Eustace is a super sweet guy and I know he cares about me, I just don't feel the same for him. I know he'd treat me well, but I don't deserve him and I care about him only as a friend. Chris, a.k.a. Monkey, is awesome and we get along great. I know he'd treat me well and I know he cares. I'm just having problems with feeling recently. With all my issues here, it's almost tempting to just drop it and go with what's easier back home, but at the same time I don't know if I can do it.

So I'm torn. Part of me is dying to go back to Sam because I still love him. Despite it being two years since we broke up. I still care about him and I can tell that he's different from who he used to be. Yeah, I'd have to deal with all the shit I'd get from a large portion of people if I did, but haven't I been doing that all semester with Mel and the Kappa Sigs? But then I'd have to leave behind people I care about here. And I don't know how easy it would be to just drop that. And I'd feel like such a selfish bitch. Uhg. I don't know what to do. So this is what I'm thinking about.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

So Weird

Honestly, these mood swings are going to be the death of me. But oh well. Such is life, right? So, gain control and move on. Haha, me, in control of my emotions. I don't know why I can't seem to do it. I used to be able to control them, just not recently.

Anyway, finals are halfway done. I did my yoga final and Anatomy and Physiology final last week, and this week I've done Survey of Western Civilizations and Forensic Anthropology. They've actually gone much better than expected. The only thing is that all of those were finals I wasn't too stressed out about. The real bitches are on Thursday, of which I have Cell Biology, Indians of North America, and Anatomy and Physiology. I don't think it really matters what I get in A and P, though, because I think I can't get higher than a D. Cell Bio I think I can manage a C. Indians of North America I think I'll do fine in. So it's really just the other two. Still, I need to study. I just feel mentally dead, though. I can't focus on anything, I'm losing feeling again, and I am losing my capacity to care. Fuck. I don't want to be apathetic again and yet I'm falling rapidly back in that direction. FML.

Anyway, more to come, but that's all I have the focus to say right now. Peace.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Truth and Lies

I hate it. I hate lies. Hate. Honesty is painful. But at least it's better than a lie. Lies tear down the spirit because you know you weren't worth the truth.

How do I keep from him what I feel? I want to tell him but I know I can't. Being the way we are is painful enough on my heart, but walking away would hurt even more. I want to stay. Is that so selfish of me? But I know it's one-sided. I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of one sided affection and I know it sucks. And I care enough about him to do what is best for him and walk away. But it will hurt so bad and I'm tired of hurting. Sadly, I got myself into this. And I'm going to have to do the same with two other people. FML.

Sunday, December 6, 2009


I don't know what to do anymore. I care about him too much. I can't enjoy the company of other guys. I think I'm falling for him and I'm scared because I don't think he feels the same. It's only going to end in my heartbreak, but wouldn't that be better than me continually breaking other people's hearts? Brandy is right; every guy who gets to know me falls in love with me. But I can't be the healer of everyone's heart despite how much I want to. So now it's time to tell two guys that I can't care for them as more than friends because I'm falling for someone else. And it'll hurt, but hopefully they haven't cared long enough for it to be detrimental. My only question is can my heart handle being broken again by the guy I do care for, the one I'm slowly learning I can't seem to live without? I don't want to hurt, don't want to love, don't want to care, because it only leads to heartbreak. I lived two years in heartbreak and now that I'm beyond that I don't want to feel it again for a while. But I'm falling hard for a guy who doesn't want to get hurt either. How do I live? I want to be with him, to call him mine, to hold him close to me and never let go and yet I'm scared he will only push me away. I want to give him my heart and pray that he doesn't destroy it and yet I'm uncertain for whether or not he'll just give it back to me and say no. I'm scared I'm falling in love again.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009


It's supposed to snow today and if it does I'll be stoked ^.^

I have a quiz today and I'm hoping that I can do at least alright on it. After I write this I'm going to class.

I'm thinking of cutting off friendships with one of the people I've been fighting the hardest for over the past three months. I care about him, but at the same time I know I deserve better than what I've been getting from him. I just lost all reason to keep fighting for him. Maybe because better guys have been stepping into my life recently. Or maybe it's finally hitting me that I can't keep fighting for someone who doesn't fight for me. Life sucks. And relationships with anyone are even harder. But can I just walk away from this? I'm still going to see him around, still going to have memories, still friends with some of his friends. How will it affect other aspects of life? I already cut off one of his brothers, to cut him off too, how will that make me look to their entire brotherhood? Like I just fucked over too many of their brothers so none of them will talk to me? Uhg. Life is too complicated sometimes. I don't know what to do. So can I just walk away from it or should I keep fighting and hope he fights for me, too?

Monday, November 30, 2009

Insanity Continues

But on the bright side, I took a douche bag out of my life and I'm medicated again. Still hate that I am, but whatever. I guess that's life, right? My room is relatively clean, I have clean laundry, I'm going home for winter break in two weeks thus giving me time and space away from this place to figure all my shit out. The semester is almost over. There is light at the end of my tunnel.

Yeah, I've been updating more. It makes me proud of myself. I've been doing more. Maybe it's because I'm not an emotionless blob anymore. Yay. Now to make it through Dead Week and Finals Week. I think I can do it. I think. Then it's back to Albuquerque. No more drama. From here at least. At least for a little bit. I think I have enough food to last. If not maybe one of my sisters will share. I've been getting stuff done. Yay. Feeling is good for something I guess.

Saturday, November 21, 2009


Yeah, I'm bipolar, and yes, I'm medicated for it. And if you saw how I was before I got meds, and you saw how I was after I got them, you know they help. So you're probably wondering why I went almost three months without them after 8 months on them. I know I need them, so why wouldn't I just make a simple phone call? I kept saying it was because I didn't like calling people and that I was too busy, but that really wasn't it. The truth is, I hate being medicated.

It isn't that weird shit happens to me or that it takes away from who I am or anything like that. On the contrary, I'm way better when I'm on them. I know that. My thing is that I wish I didn't have to be dependent on some kind of chemical to make me normal. I was able to live the first 18 years of my life without it and being relatively sane, so why couldn't I do it now, right? Being dependent on something just makes me feel weak, like I can't provide for myself. I feel like I fail because I can't be normal because I'm stuck taking medication so that I don't go from suicidal to high-risk behavior to angry to overly confident to apathetic to super bubbly. I hate it. So I didn't replace my meds for almost three months because I wanted to prove to myself that I could live without them and be fine. And it took me that long to figure out that I can't And now I just feel like a failure.

My councilor that I'm seeing right now says that being bipolar is a chemical condition that I can't control. It doesn't change the fact that I feel like I should be able to have full control over my body and I don't. I know I can't do anything about it and that I have to have the medication to be normal. Too bad it sucks and I wish with everything I have that I wasn't this way. Hell, I've only taken two pills and I'm already feeling better. I mean, fuck. Why do I have to be like this? This is one of the worst feelings ever. Plus, have you ever looked at side effects of these medications? It's ridiculous!! Let me tell you what the side affects are listed for on what I'm taking:

SIDE EFFECTS that may occur while taking this medicine include decreased sexual desire or ability; diarrhea; dizziness; drowsiness; dry mouth; increased sweating; lightheadedness when you stand or sit up; loss of appetite; nausea; stuffy nose; or tiredness. If they continue or are bothersome, check with your doctor. CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY if you experience absent menstrual period; bizarre behavior; black or bloody stools; chest pain; confusion; decreased concentration; decreased coordination; fainting; fast or irregular heartbeat; hallucination; memory loss; new or worsening agitation, panic attacks, aggressiveness, impulsiveness, irritability, hostility, exaggerated feeling of well-being, restlessness, or inability to sit still; persistent, painful erection; red, swollen, blistered, or peeling skin; seizures; severe or persistent anxiety or trouble sleeping; severe or persistent headache; stomach pain; suicidal thoughts or attempts; tremor; unusual bruising or bleeding; unusual weakness; unusual or severe mental or mood changes; vision changes; or worsening of depression. AN ALLERGIC REACTION to this medicine is unlikely, but seek immediate medical attention if it occurs. Symptoms of an allergic reaction include rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue. This is not a complete list of all side effects that may occur. If you have questions about side effects, contact your health care provider. Call your doctor for medical advice about side effects. You may report side effects to FDA at 1-800-FDA-1088

Dead serious, that is the list, word for word, given to me by the pharmacy with the mediation. How are you supposed to feel when you read something like that, knowing that a drug that has the potential to do all of that is being voluntarily placed in your body for the hope of getting "better"? I mean, really, it's scary shit. And then I wonder what kind of stuff that happens to me is a side effect of the medication or just me being crazy. How do I know if it is really working the way it's supposed to or to its full potential? It just sucks.

I hate being medicated. I hate saying that I need it. I hate knowing I need it. What's worse is telling people about it. You tell someone you're bipolar and they flip out on you thinking that you're going to go crazy on them. Look, I'm fine. I think. Maybe I'm not. Maybe it is the safe thing for people to stay away from me; fewer people would be hurt by me then. I'm tired of making people hurt because of me. Maybe I should just go elsewhere or excommunicate myself so that people will stop being hurt because of me.

Monday, November 9, 2009


Can't you see that everything I'm doing now is a cry for help?

Sunday, November 8, 2009


It hit me today that I don't care about anything. Quite literally, anything. School, life, friends, family, me, anything. I don't care. If someone I knew was shot in front of me, I'd look at them and say, "Fuck." Then I'd walk away. If I was kidnapped, gang raped, and left bleeding and missing a limb on the side of the street, I'd just lay there and not give two shits. God damn it, what have I become? Really, I don't know who I am. I hate me, hate the life I'm living, hate what I'm doing. But I can't stop. I just keep going faster and faster and the worst part is that I don't even care. I hate it but I don't care. Odd. I don't have the will to make myself stop. I can't make myself stop. Maybe I do all this crazy shit because that's me crying for help. So when my friends tell me they gave up on me, too, and that they don't give a shit for me anymore, either, well, what do you think? Not what I need and yet this never ending apathy makes me not give a shit. And I hate that I don't care. And yet I don't even have the strength to do that. So fuck. You want the life of a young adult? This is the life of a 19 year old finally fucking up so bad that if she makes it out alive on the other side, be impressed.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

My Life

I don't even know what to make of it anymore. I'm just not who I was. Maybe it's a good thing, maybe it's not. But I don't think I can ever go back to that person. For those who've hardly seen me since I came back to school, I doubt you'll really recognize who I've become. I'm not the person you saw leave over the summer. I'm fucked up now, done some crazy shit, and been places you probably never thought I'd go. My birthday yesterday was a bit of a reality check. Life isn't just one big party and sometimes you've got to step back and think, "What the fuck am I doing?" That's what I've hit right now. It was made ever more apparent by James coming to visit and me really realizing, "Fuck, I'm nothing like what he remembers and it's only been two months." I'm rapidly running in a direction that I don't know if I can turn from but part of me doesn't want to. I'm not really sure anymore. But this person I am now, I know I don't even know who it is. And I think that part of it is that I'm hiding from myself right now. James is still convinced that I'm a good person. I don't believe him. I really think it's time to do a bit of soul searching.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Fuck My Life

Bleh. I feel like running around doing a happy naked dance right now because maybe it'll help the black feeling of my heart. It sucks, and it hurts. I hate relationships. I hate people. Uhg. I'm so confused by all of it and the mood swings aren't helping any. I'm just ready to be in mid-September already. Life isn't going fast enough and yet it feels like I'm watching it pass me on fast-forward.

Thursday, August 20, 2009


It sucks. My boyfriend and I have been having it rough recently mainly because I was moving back to school and he was staying back home. He broke up with me five days after I left. Then, I went back home and two days later we were back together. But the next week wasn't that great. And so I broke up with him today. Oi. Life is just complicated. Why can't relationships be easy? Plus, I'm busy here but I kinda want a boyfriend near where I am because distance sucks and there's a potential but uhg. And he was a Dawg Days councelor with me. Super uhg. I'm just lonely, hurt, confused, happy, sad, and overall just highly confused and in lots of pain. I hate it. I wish life didn't have to be so hard. If only it was like dance, something that just happened and always turned out the way I wanted it to. I don't even know what to do at this point. I think I'm just going to smuther myself in life. I don't even want to deal with anyone at this point. I think I need sleep to get out of this emo slump.

Thursday, July 23, 2009


That's how I feel. Maybe that's why I pour myself into the online world, I have some deep subconscious hope that someone out there will find me and then maybe I can stop trying to deal with life by myself. Because every single person I've ever put trust in, hope in, faith in, any bit of myself in, it's all been taken and shoved in my face. So there's no one to talk to, no one to share my secrets with, no one to hold me when I feel like shit, no one to reassure me that it's okay, no one to love me, no one to conspire with. Is it really so much to ask for? I give all of my self to people but now it's like so much of me has been taken by every person as they left that I've been broken and shattered into a billion little pieces never to be whole again. Maybe that's why I'm always in pain. But knowing that you're on your own really makes you hate the fact that you can feel at all, because it wouldn't bug you so much if you couldn't.

Friday, July 17, 2009

You know...

The point of having a blog is, oh I don't know, to blog! And clearly I fail at that. Oi. Wha'ts weird is that I check this all the time I just don't update it. I guess I just have a lack of motivation or something. Bleh. So, updates on life:

1. Just had my 5 month anniversary with Chris. Twas amazing!

2. I've been doing summer school. I'm taking Cultural Anthropology and Criminal Investigations. So...much...reading!

3. I was babysitting for about three weeks. Finally over, but it definitely wore me out.

4. My mom had a hysterectomy at the beginning of the month.

5. My dad is having a hard time with his massage business. But he just finished his massage CD (if you're interested, go to, so that is good.

6. I had a hormonal attack a couple of days ago. No fun. The worst part is that the lies your body tells you are made to be so real...

7. I have had a change of heart of what I am going to do with my life. After I finish school I'm going to work in a Crime Lab for three years and then work to become an FBI Special Agent.

8. I started working out again. My body is loving me for it.

9. I've been keeping my room cleaner.

10. I can't wait for school to start up again. I'm going back in about two weeks.

Anyway, that's about it. I'll try to post more. I know, I say that all the time. Uhg. But who knows, maybe this time will be different, aye?

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Sinus Surgery

Yuppers, so I know that I posted at some point in time that I needed to have surgery because my septum was deviated and I had a cyst in one of my sinuses. Well, yesterday was my lucky day of accomplishment. Huzzah.

One plus, I got to sing "They're coming to take me away! Ha! Ha! They're coming to take me away! Ho! Ho! He! He! Ha! Ha!" But not to the funny farm. I did get drugged. I saw cool lights that looked like I'd been taken away by aliens. I felt burning in my arm as the anesthetics kicked in. I fell asleep as the oxygen mask was placed on my face. Woot.

I woke up about two hours later with a slight burning sensation in my nose and the same oxygen mask attached to my face. The nurse who was attending to me was super sweet. I got to drink water and eat crackers. Mmm. Crackers. Delicious! I got cool socks with paw prints on them to wear, and nifty hospital gown that could show everything but I was too drugged up to care, and a sweet little thing to wrap around my head to catch all the blood dripping out of my nose. Fun times, aye?

I also got a wheelchair ride! Yay! They pushed me to my car in a wheel chair and it was almost like being royalty because I was escorted out by a couple of nurses and my dad while being pushed on a wheelchair by the nurse. It was awesome!

I was given vicaden for pain and something else as an antibiotic to keep infections away. I was told that my septum was straightened nicely and that it was a good thing I had the cyst removed because there was a growing infection around it with lots of puss so it would have been substantially worse if it hadn't been removed.

Today I got to get the splints taken out of my nose (which was actually the best part of that visit). What a relief! It took out so much pressure from my nose! Only thing was, I had stitches in my nose from straightening my septum that were cut out today (ouch!), a lot of dried and crusted blood stuck to hair around my nose that got ripped off, and a suction thing stuck up my nose to get rid of a bunch of gunk that was lodged up there. Bleh!

But I did my first nasal rinse and it actually felt substantially better than when I had done them before the surgery. Much less pressure to work around. I'm able to breathe more through my nose (although it smells kind of weird) and it doesn't hurt so much. But maybe that's just the medication talking. I'm super sleepy it seems, so I keep taking these little naps because I have to sleep upright and I can't sleep for more than a few hours. Oh well. Medicine helps me sleep, though.

I can't look down (for the most part), so that is making things interesting, but oh well. I ate a bowl of ramen today and I was very excited. I watched the movie Seven yesterday. It was AMAZING. And Chris came by with a goody basket and loads of love. Today Carla and her brother Andrew came by with goody bags and love, too, and I was very excited. Yay! So now I think I'm off to sleep more. At least, maybe. I have to take medication again in 30 minutes so maybe I'll wait till then to collapse.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Coming Home

I moved back home from Portales on Saturday. I didn't realize that I had so much crap. Holy cow. The worst part is that a lot of it is stuff that I don't need while I'm at home, like first aid stuff, laundry detergent, sheets for beds of different sizes, food, etc. And, because I didn't have it here to begin with, finding a place to put it now is difficult. So I have come to the conclusion that it's time for another room emptying session where I get rid of more stuff. Only problem is I'm a pack rat and I hold on to sentimental stuff for ages. Bleh.

Life at home is...interesting. I get to see Chris pretty much every day (which is awesome), see friends I haven't seen in a while, and hang out with my sister. It's just being home that's....odd. I get the strangest feeling from my dad that I'm just someone who lives here that he really wishes wouldn't. I hate that feeling, like I'm being loathed for existing and costing him money. Oi. My mom says it's not like that at all, but it's still the feeling I get from him. Bleh.

Once again I'm into the predicament of finding a summer job. Only this summer, it's essential that I get one. Uhg. But who would want to hire someone for only two and a half months? Bleh. But I'm eighteen and that means that if I displeased parents in the slightest they can kick me out of the house and my life becomes that much more difficult. Still, my mom had a good point. It'd be better for my own sanity and mental well-being not to be in the house all day every day with my dad this summer. We'd be at each other's throats in a heartbeat. *shiver*

So right now, I've applied at Albertson's. Hopefully I can turn in an app to Starbucks and Wendy's today. My only issue is that I'm limited to places within walking distance from my house. Es no bueno, aye? Oh well. It means money and money means my life gets slightly simpler. And my parents will be off my back.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Odd Thought

You know what is one of the strangest feelings in the world? Being in a ridiculously amazing mood (which I was fortunate enough to find myself in yesterday) but then at the same time start having weird little insecurities pop up out of nowhere. It was almost comical how it all played out.

Basically, I was on the phone with Chris last night. I was feeling amazing because of life and everything being so great (as stated in past blog). As we were talking, though, random insecure thoughts kept popping up. Part of me was laughing, part of me was like, "Really, Krista, really?" and then part of me was trembling in fear that it was true. It was just stupid stuff like, "My legs are so scrawny", (wtf, I know) "My boobs are too big", "Am I really adorable like Chris says?", "What if I'm not smart at all?", etc. And part of me was just laughing hysterically at it.

Really, the insecurities were stupid. And I was feeling absolutely phenomenal about myself and life. So I couldn't believe that I was actually having thoughts like that. It made me laugh because it was just so silly and out of the blue. It didn't make sense and, especially insecurities pertaining to Chris, I was laughing at how far off base I was to even have thoughts like that.

Another part of me was just stunned with disbelief that the thoughts could have come up in the first place. It was incredulous that I could ever think such things, especially about Chris!!! And so I just stared at myself like, "Really, wtf. You're done. No. No more talking. You aren't aloud to talk anymore until your stupidity wears off." It was just pure annoyance that something so stupid could fester in my brain and wait to destroy me like a little time bomb counting down till I hit a moment of depression or something so that then it could completely destroy my mind. Holy crap! I'm a mind ninja to myself!!! 0.0 Scary!!

And the last part of me was scared to death that all of it was true. Trembling in the dark little places in my mind, I was cowering with fear that all my insecurities were based on fact. I guess it kind of goes back to that saying, You are your own worst enemy. And I am. I am the most critical person to myself. I judge myself harder than anyone else does. I verbally attack myself all the time. It's just not cool. Bleh!

Well, let's just say that being torn in those three directions is no fun. Nope. It's the oddest sensation ever. But it makes me laugh at the same time. So maybe next time when I'm feeling down on myself and like I'm worthless to the world I should take a step back and find the humor about all that I'm telling myself. Because I am amazing and I deserve better than what I treat myself with.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009


Holy cow, life has taken a turn for the most amazing adventure EVER. I'm so excited!! And I now have a list for why life is perfect.

1. Chris

He's so amazing, I have no idea how I've lived without him. Plus, I'm pretty sure that I would not ahve made it through the last couple of months if he hadn't been by my side the whole time reminding me that I could do it.

2. I got to take my Biology Lab final outside yesterday. And I think I aced it.

3. All three tests that I had today (Chemistry Lab final included) are over with, and I think I passed them all.

4. Two days left of classes and then it's just a week of finals.

5. Chris.

6. Bri is out of town for tonight so I have the room to myself.

7. I know where I'm living next year!!!

8. The room is mostly clean.

9. I can kick back and relax for the next couple of days.

10. Chris gets to pick me up and take me home next weekend!!!! XD

11. School is almost over.

12. Initiation for Zeta is on Friday. Then, nothing to worry about with them after this weekend.

13. My stress-filled life is about to be stress-free ^.^

14. I can sleep now if I felt like it.

15. Chris is just so freakin' amazing!!!!

So yes, life is great. And I am pumped. Yay!!! And I'm not pulling my hair out anymore over all the insanity that is/was filling my life. Yay!!!

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Dead Connection

Fantastic book by Charlie Price. Chris's mom leant it to me over spring break and I only just now took the time to sit down and read it. It wasn't really a hard read or anything, just a little odd because it went with a bunch of different points of view and kept changing them every couple of pages. That's why it took me four hours to read it. But it was great ^.^ If you have a chance, go read it.

(Just so it goes on the record, that was a horrible book review. I'm sorry. ='[ )

One Week

That's all that's left of time spent in actual classes. And then I have a week of finals. Not bad. I'm so ready for the semester to be over. But on Thursday evening I had something that isn't necessarily unusual, it's just that it was more unexpected. I was stressed out about life, Zeta, school, and just everything in general (for the most part at least) and then a sudden moment of clarity hit me. All of a sudden I felt very calm and certain that this semester would end just fine. And I wasn't worried anymore. Everything just sort of fell into place mentally and it was sort of like a moment where it was like, "Why am I worrying? Everything's going to be fine." It was nice. And now I'm not stressed at all. I just feel like everything will work out. Maybe it's a dellusion that I've put myself under as a means of keeping my mental sanity, but who knows? Maybe it's my body telling me to chill the **** out because I'm worrying over nothing. I hope that's the case.

Life has slowed down substantially and I'm ecstatic. No, it's not entirely stress free, but there's no new stresses (for the most part). Now, it's just watching the ridiculously long list of stress factors diminishing at a fairly steady pace. There's so much less to worry about. Plus, nothing school related can add much of anything new to my stress list. So all I have to do is tough it out for the next week and then it's pretty much over. I feel so much better.

Saturday, May 2, 2009


Thirsty is an incredible book. Holy cow! It's by M. T. Anderson, and it's phenomenal. Win. For certain. But maybe it makes me weird by how much I like it. I can't help it, I want to be a part of a supernatural world. Badly. I would be a vampire in a heart beat if I could. Is it bad that I wouldn't have a problem killing for life? Who knows. I know some people would hate me for that, but it's where I stand. And I know that there are others who feel the same. But yes. Back to the book. (Haha, sorry about the sidetrack of my desire for the supernatural) The book is f-ing epic!! Much love!! And vampires are such win!!! No, these vampires are not the happy-go-lucky vampires of Twilight, nor are they the amazing sex gods of Anne Rice, but they are brutal and, surprisingly, a commonly accepted part of society in this book. Minus the part where there are public slayings. But yes. Amazing. Go read. =]

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


I'm stressed. But didn't we already review this? I'm trying, but life is crazy. I got a flier the other day for signs and symptoms of burnout and I had all of the above. Fun. I'm so ready for the semester to end. I have an appointment with my adviser tomorrow about my schedule for next semester, so that will be interesting. Bri and I are looking into getting a place off campus that we can live in next semester; that should be interesting. Hopefully we can get another roommate or two to live with us so that rent is cheaper. There's only two and a half weeks left of classes before finals and then we head home. I'm stoked. I have what classes I want to take next year all planned out. I am planning on taking a couple of classes over the summer to alleviate my case-load. I'm trying to get an internship with the Albuquerque Police Department. They haven't called me back, though. So I will aim for a job at Borders. I've been walking everywhere since I gave my car back to my parents last week (because of financial reasons) so on Sunday, for instance, Bri and I walked 6 miles to Sonic and back. It took us an hour round trip. Today I walked around three miles. I think we walked 8 miles to the cemetery and back the other day. I walk to the Zeta house. If I don't get more in shape because of this I'm going to be mildly agitated. I'm having weird body functions a.k.a. mood swings. Bleh. And I really just want the semester to be over. Uhg.

Friday, April 17, 2009


Life. Is. Crazy. But then again, who's life isn't? I've been crazy stressed out, on the edge of psychosis, struggling to stay alive, see friends, I'm head-over-heels in love, and somehow I'm still alive. I don't get it. After my meltdown on Monday, I spent substantial time on Tuesday trying to figure out what is stressing me out in life. Without finishing the list, I got up to 73 reasons. Again, I don't know how I'm not dead. I think it's Chris keeping me alive and giving me a reason to keep trying. All my friends say we're disgustingly adorable but I just don't care, actually. I love him too much to really pay attention to people and what they say. So for the remaining four weeks of school I'm going to continue trying just because of him. =]

Monday, April 6, 2009

Spring Break

Let's just say this: srping break did not feel like one week. It felt more as if I had just spent the last month back home. That's how freakin' spectacular it was.

Breaks. What to say about them? From one perspective, yeah, it could be a highly useful block of time when you have absolutely nothing that you have to do, no where you need to go. It's the perfect time to get caught up on everything in life that you've been neglecting. Perfect, right? I think so.

What have I been neglecting? Me. I'm sorry, but it's true. I've been so bogged down with life recently that air is always a nice little refreshing afterthought that never comes. The calm before the storm? It's long past, and the storm has yet to be over. But along comes a delightful little break that I can spend at home. One week back in my hometown with the people I love and doing anything I want. It's amazing.

So what happened over my break? Snow, rain, doctor visits, movies, lap tag, ice skating, dancing, singing, driving, cuddling, freezing, burning, fighting, sleeping. Win.

I left for home a day early because the eastern side of the state was under a winter weather alert for the whole week leading up to the Friday I had been intending on heading home. Luckily for me, I got home before the storm hit and the interstates closed. Win.

Weekend was great. I saw Chris for ample amounts of time, introduced him to the magic of lap tag, and received my first boquet of flowers ever.

During the week, I visited doctors about my breating issues. Turns out I have a deviated septum in my nose which then lead to me getting a cyst in one of my sinuses so over the summer I get to spend a good amount of time doing surgery and recovery. Fun. Haha. Right. *spark of sarcasm*

I actually got sick on Thursday night but I think I'm better now (I hope so at least). Chris made me tea and helped me sleep though and that right there was huge win. HUGE!! There was ample time for cuddling and hugging and loving and movie watching too. Oh, there was dinner with my parents, dinner with his parents, and lots of family get-to-know-one-another time. Woo! But his family is really cool so more wins!!

Ice skating pursued on Saturday. Yay! I haven't been skating since August so super treat right there. Phenominal food was also provided. Yay! Plus, Chris's brother and my sister are getting along well and that makes me happy.

Sunday I took off back here at school, but it's okay, because break was awesome. I'm totally refreshed and pumped about school again (which was definitely needed; all enthusiasm died a few weeks ago) and so now I'm ready to take on the world plus Chris is so amazing I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. *sigh* Life is just so amazing.

Monday, March 23, 2009


I know, I'm talking about them again. But this time, it's not about mine.

So I'm growing up. Obviously. I'm eighteen. I'm in college. I have a lot of friends who are older than me. But something I'm not used to is the idea of marriage.

Individuals that I've met in college who are in their twenties, yes, I can understand the marriage factor. I've got plenty of those. It's not weird to me. I came back from break in January to learn that two of my Zeta sisters got engaged. Not that bad. But it's weird when the people I've known for a while are doing it.

I found out a couple days ago that one of my best friend's best friends got married last week. That was a shock. Crazy story to accompany that one but still. So now he's married. That was surprising.

On Saturday, one of my friends from high school that I've been friends with a minimum of four years got engaged. Holy Crap!!! Last time I checked, she was living in Paris far from here and no relationship whatsoever. Now she's engaged. I'm shocked.

But that's part of growing up, isn't it? First all the friends get into relationships (which was the weird thing I had to get used to last year and the year before). Now they're starting to get engaged. Eventually it'll be the marriages and then kids. Oi. We're getting old.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

One Month

That's how long my epicness of happiness has been going on. AND it's all because of this amazing man who stepped into my life. Today is (in case you didn't figure it out) our one month. Yay! I'm so excited ^.^ Seriously, I feel as if I've been living merely a half-life up until now. It was like I was blind to the world until Chris came around and now I've been blinded. Who knows if I'll ever be able to see clearly again?

Thursday, March 12, 2009


You know what really sucks about relationships? When you care about a friend and they're in a bad relationship and won't leave. That sucks. Then you try to tell them they should leave, but they don't want to listen to you because they're so madly in love with the person who keeps hurting them. (This isn't physical abuse, so don't worry). But it's horrible. And it sucks, because I want to be there for her and get her out of the verbally abusive relationship because it reminds me so much of my past relationship but I can't get her out of it any faster than anyone could have gotten me out of mine. And it SUCKS!!!!

Monday, March 9, 2009


Have you ever just sat and tried to comprehend an atom? Sounds easy, right? Not so much.

I am a biology major. When dealing with the sciences, it is a requirement to have at least a basic knowledge of how atoms work. And really, if you spell out what atoms are in their most basic form, it's not hard to get.

For me, I understand the concepts behind atoms. it works out perfectly. Hands down, I get what's going on. But what completely boggles my mind is when I try to connect it to my world. I know that the air I breathe is full of atoms. i know that my computer, desk, walls, and floor are all composed of atoms. i know the trees, the water I drink, the animals outside, and even myself is all made of atoms. But what gets me are the reactions that happen all the time.

So take a moment to think about it. Know that the air that you are breathing right now is composed of atoms. Then comprehend that as it enters your lungs, it reacts to form other atoms that are then released from your body into the air. Look at the desk or table you are working at. It has millions of billions of atoms all bound together, continually moving. What really gets me is when i remember that the majority of what atoms are composed of is empty space. How weird is that?! And if you look at it that way, the majority of you and everything in this world is made up of empty space. That's when I chuckle at the thought of being solid.


This weekend I went on a caravan and let me review some simple rules that I've decided are important for driving in a large group:

1. Always stop at red lights.

2. Construction zones mean drive slowly.

3. If I'm having to drive 100 mph to catch up to you, you're driving too fast.

4. Use cruise control; it's your best friend.

5. Don't tailgate the people you're following. If something happens to whoever is in front, all of you will be screwed.

6. Speed limits are not suggestions, so follow them.

7. When you are approaching a light, make sure there's enough time not only for yourself to go through but for the rest of the cars to go through.

8. When turning at an intersection, don't turn unless the other five cars behind you have time to turn, too.

9. Don't stop in the middle of the highway.

10. If the group gets split up, be very clear about how you're going to find each other again.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Random Thought

Alright, so today I was riding in the car on the way to Clovis with my roommate and her mom and a thought occurred to me. I started thinking about adults. Me, I'm a young adult rapidly approaching my life and I'm starting to think about these things more. I noticed that I'm thinking "more like an adult". Weird, aye? But then I started to wonder.

First thought: What is it that makes the majority of adults follow the same basic lines for behavior? Is it a societal thing? Maybe pressures of working, raising a family, focus on the economy, having to make ends meet, maybe all of that combined is what makes adults the way they are. But then I remembered that most adults were not that different from myself and my peers when they were are age. So:

Second thought: What if when my peers and I grow into adults we act like adults of today? That put me on a little back track. So I really got to thinking on this.

If adults were like myself and my peers when they were our age, what is it that made them change? If I could figure it out, maybe I could find a way to prevent it. I mean, I feel as if it's a bit of a loss to "act like an adult" in the general sense of the phrase. It's like all these adults have lost a very significant part of themselves in their transition from childhood to adulthood. I think that's tragic. People have so much energy and vitality and just a joy to live (for the most part) when they're younger, yet by the time they hit 30 and start having kids and a family and a job it's like all of that gets sucked out of them and they become something that even they themselves don't recognize. How sad is that?

And then it made me wonder, what if my peers and myself become like that? What if we loose the joy and vitality that we have? Thinking of myself, my friends, people I interact with losing what makes them who they are is one of the saddest thoughts I've had in a while. I thought of all the people I care about and what about them that makes me appreciate them so much, and I thought of them losing that to the pressures of adulthood. It was so depressing!

So now I find myself utterly determined to keep what makes me who I am alive until I die. I refuse to let my fun-loving, free spirit be trapped by the trials of the society I live in. I want my children to know that I love life and that adults are still kids at heart. I am determined to keep me who I am no matter what life throws at me.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


I feel like talking about Chris. And not to people that I'm talking to all the time because, frankly, they get tired of me going on. So I'm going to write here, right now, and not worry about what people think. It's a good feeling =]

So. Chris. New boyfriend =] Chris makes my third boyfriend. Ever. Well, third official boyfriend. It kind of makes me laugh because I'm so retarded at relationships. But what can I say? The odd thing is that he makes me feel so good. I'd forgotten what that feels like. What's even more strange is how my heart feels.

Sam broke up with me a year (and three months almost) ago and I was shattered. Think all you like that I was okay like I said I was, but I wasn't. Hell, even I thought I was okay. But he had been my life for almost two years and to have him suddenly ripped out of it was a killer. It wasn't until January, when I still wasn't over him, that I decided that I was tired of it and I started actively working to move on. I was tired of being held back by someone who was only dragging me down. We were talking again for a little while in October and November, but then he stopped because his marijuana became too important. And when I really thought about it, I knew he was going no where with his life and I knew I wanted someone better.

Let me tell you, getting over him is a beast. But I think I'm pretty much successful in that endeavor. Sure, I get sad now and then when I think about it, but who doesn't feel sad when remembering old hurts? It's a part of life, and something that we should all be accustomed to. How can we ever learn if we never learn to let go? How can we be strong if we've never had a pain to grow strong from? And, as luck would have it, as soon as I decided to move on, suddenly the world saw it too and went to embrace me back with open arms.

What surprised me is that people could tell the difference. Sure, they didn't know what it was or what had caused it, but people can still tell these things. It was crazy! And, I was happy.

So Chris. Story with Chris. I'll tell the creamer story in another blog (that I will probably write after this one). But, for many who didn't actually know this, first time I knew who Chris was was my freshman year in high school because we had class together. Crazy, aye? Didn't even remember that until recently...

But Chris was always the guy that I saw from a distance as this really cool, really funny guy that everyone liked. He struck me as being one of those really popular guys that everyone knows who he is and really, who didn't like him? He made everyone laugh, was really smart, and he struck me as one of those people I really wanted to know. But I was always the quiet kid who didn't say anything. He'd tell stories and I would be looking away smiling while not making it completely apparent that I had been listening at all (Quiet fits of laughter were/are my expertise). Still, how would he know I existed?

I didn't have another class with him until 11th grade, but in that time I saw him in the hallways all the time and yet I could still see that I wanted to know who he was. Even when I was hating school and everything in it, I'd see him and just wonder how he could be so happy. And yet, even that made me feel a little better.

In 11th grade, I had Creative Writing with him. That class was AMAZING. w00t! Plus, Chris made me laugh. A lot. My favorite story that he told was about how some football players called him gay. His response was, "Oh, I'm gay? At least I don't slap other men's butts and enjoy rolling around in a pile of hot, sweaty men" and he turned and walked away. By the time they figured out it was an insult he was already long gone. It was priceless. Plus, he liked to write and I did too. He definitely rocked. But I left La Cueva at the end of the semester, so I didn't see him again.

I think I went until the summer following graduation (meaning last summer) before I saw him again. I knew he was friends with some of the people that I was friends with, but it didn't mean that we talked. Hell, I don't even think I'd spoken a word to him in the entire four years that I'd known him. But there was a little bit of silent acknowledgment of one another, and so it wasn't too bad.

When I got onto Facebook, I saw him listed under people that I may know. While accurate, I didn't think that I knew him well enough to friend request him. As much as I wanted to, I decided against it. But, as luck would have it, he saw me listed under people that he may know and he decided, "Why not?" and he went and asked me to be his friend.

When I saw his request, I was surprised because I didn't think that he even knew who I was, let alone be someone that he would want to add as a friend. But I decided. "Why not?" and so I went with it. We started talking a little bit, but then there was this silly survey on it asking you to fill out the answers to the questions based on what you knew of the person who had posted them. One of the questions was, "have you ever liked the person? If so, do you still?" Well, he answered it for me and said that he had liked me but thought that he was too weird for me. He posted the same quiz so that I could fill it out for him, and when I got to that question I replied saying that I had liked him but I didn't think he knew I existed so I didn't try to pursue it.

Not long after, he sent me a message saying how it was a bit funny how we had both liked one another and yet we thought the other one didn't. We laughed, but then he said that we should get coffee sometime but he was really busy. I said we could make it work.

Next time I was in town, it was Valentine's Day. A.K.A.: Singles' Awareness Day. After an invigorating game of Lap Tag, there was a special dinner to appreciate how single all of our friends were. Well, it just so happened that Chris was there, too. After some discreet flirting and number exchanging, we agreed that it would be most excellent to see each other again before I had to come back to school.

That Sunday was the best Sunday EVER. It started with bowling. Yay bowling!! The majority of people sucked at it, but it's okay. We couldn't play at first because no lanes were open, so Chris gave me money to play with the jukebox and others played pooled. Music was most excellent, and there was a bit more flirtation between Chris and myself. When we finally did play, it was much fun. I sucked, but it didn't matter because I kept talking with Chris and it was super awesome. After our time was up, everyone left raced to IHOP to enjoy some food. A couple hours went by, Abe bought our food/liquidy beverages, and most people who remained had to go home. That's when the creaming incident happened. Let's just say that after that, Chris and I were going crazy wanting to see each other again. So, we went out of our way to see each other one last time before I left the following day.

Monday was neat =D The morning was basically consumed with a couple of hours of shameless flirting and confessions of emotions and it was so disgustingly cute it was amazing. It even made a couple people tear up. And then we ran off at full speed to Starbucks to see each other again. It was then that we came together. And we are EPIC. It's understandable if you don't really get it, but it helps if you see us together. That's why it will always be remembered that 2-16-09 is super fantastic ^.^

So what about Chris? Well, he makes me feel incredible. I thought my heart had been destroyed by Sam. I'm not going to lie, after him I thought all men were horrible people who couldn't love or feel and only wanted women for their bodies. I was disgusted by men as a whole and just really resentful towards all of them. Uhg. But Chris? I'm still stunned that such a person can exist. My heart doesn't feel like the shattered fragments have been feebly put together, but rather that my heart had never been destroyed in the first place. Every day I wake up feeling amazing that such an incredible person could like me. The weird thing is that I found just the right person I was looking for.

After Sam, it started to become clearer what kind of things I wanted from a person. And Chris fills all of them and more. I think I'm the luckiest person alive, because someone as great as Chris is now in my life. This morning I woke up to this message from him:

":'D Krista, we're like N2, cuz we've got a strong bond!
Yer the cheese in meh mac and cheese, yer a prize fighter that KO'd me with one look of your beautiful face! If you were alcohol, I wouldn't be able to drive acuz I'm alway intoxicated by you! If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity! If I had a nickle every time in my life I've met someone as wonderful as you, I'd have five cents! I'm glad you don't wear makeup regularly, because you'd be messing with perfection! If I had a star for every time you brighten my day, I'd have a galaxy! To be completely honest, there isn't a word in the dictionary to describe how wonderful you are. Since we first hugged, I've been able to say I've been touched by an angel! I know this is totally out of the blue, I was just checking up on here for my last check of the day before I sleep and well, I saw yer pic and comment on meh profile and just had a random burst of totally crazy affection :D You just made today even better!"

Really, I can't stop smiling. And how could I? Just knowing that someone as amazing as Chris is out there and likes me of all people, it's just the greatest feeling in the world. So now it doesn't matter what's coming my way, what happens, what life tries to throw at me, because nothing is bringing me down. It's like I'm a helium balloon and all the bad things are grasping to the strings trying to bring me back down to earth and I'm just taking them with me =]

My life is fantastic, in large part to Chris. And I'm thankful every day that he continues to be mine ^.^


Oi. Life. Really. Insane. What to say? School is. My roommate and I get along great, the only thing is we've spent a lot of time in hospitals recently together. Oh man. Lemme tell you, waiting rooms and the ER suck. No fun! I have a boyfriend, and his name is Chris. He has completely brightened my world. Zeta is stressful. And I am crazy busy.

Friday, January 23, 2009


You know, as my second blog in the new year, I really considered doing something that was looking back on 2008 now that it's past but I just couldn't bring it. 2006 was a shitty year, so I started looking back on my years at the beginning of 2007. 2008 I was excited to look back and forward because of the new possibilities. This year, it just doesn't seem appropriate. Short tradition, aye?

Well, I'm basically done with my first week of classes for the semester. Woot! I have medication, so hopefully no more dramatic mood swings. I've been on it for a couple of weeks and have had no problems that I can tell. I've stayed pretty consistent on the emotional scale and no crazy manic moments (other than yesterday, but we're going to ignore that...)

Classes are awesome. I'm taking Bio 2, Chem 2, Stats, Criminal Justice, and Dance. Cool classes, aye? Well, maybe you don't think so, but I do. Well, minus Chem. It's not really my thing. I'm a bio major, what can I say? Dance is fantastic and I know I'll love it. Criminal Justice, well, interesting subject but I have yet to decide on the actual class. Bio is cool, same teacher as last semester plus I have friends in the class this semester =] Stats is probably going to be one of those classes that I fall in love with, I just haven't figured it out yet. Yay school!! Maybe loving school makes me weird, but oh well. I'm a full time learner of everything from now until I die.

Zeta is awesome. I'm secretary for my chapter and loving it. I was installed officially a week ago and just started working, but it works. I'm way busy with all the events that I have to go to (my roommate is complaining that she never sees be because of it, but it really isn't that bad) but it's growing on me so I don't mind.

I haven't been able to breathe through my nose really well for the past three or four years and about a year ago it was thought that it was because of allergies, so about a week ago (or two I guess) I went to an allergist (finally!) and got tested for anything I could be allergic to. Out of the 50 or so things they tested, I'm only very very slightly (basically meaning I'm not) allergic to a couple of grasses. Yay for a lack of allergies!!! But it still didn't answer why my nosed is congested all the time. So the allergist thinks I need a CT scan of my head, but because of my insurance I need to try something else first, so the allergist said to treat it like a sinus infection. Guess what that means... Yup, pills and nasal rinses. Do you know how weird nasal rinsing is?!?! Holy canoly, weirdest feeling ever.

Oh, I had my first appointment with a gynecologist a couple weeks ago. Guys, let me tell you, you are some pretty lucky people. I know you have your own masculine things to complain about, but this sucks. Well, I guess it falls into a similar category as getting a prostate check, but still. Crazy uncomfortable, painful, and no fun. Bleh. Being a woman sucks.

So that's basically my past month for you. Fun stuff I suppose. I should probably write about Australia at some point, but that doesn't seem appropriate right now. Anyhowzers, I love you guys for reading =] Hearts!!! <3 <3

Friday, January 9, 2009


Well, I made it all the way there and back again by myself. I give myself kudos for that. It was lots of fun. I spent most of my time in Sydney but I also went to Adelaide, Broken Hill, Port Fairy, The Great Ocean Road, and Melbourne. I saw a rain forest, fish in the ocean, and really interesting people. I got to spend a good amount of quality time with my grandparents and overall I enjoyed myself immensely. I'm definitely going to have to go back one day.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Happy New Year =]

Guess what? 2008 is officially over. Oi.

So a retrospect of that year. Well, I finished and graduated high school. I started college. I went a year without Sam.

Life is...intense. I'm a little surprised that I made it through alright. This year went by really fast. Somehow, though, I feel like 2009 doesn't look so optimistic. My goal is to survive.