Odd Thought

You know what is one of the strangest feelings in the world? Being in a ridiculously amazing mood (which I was fortunate enough to find myself in yesterday) but then at the same time start having weird little insecurities pop up out of nowhere. It was almost comical how it all played out.

Basically, I was on the phone with Chris last night. I was feeling amazing because of life and everything being so great (as stated in past blog). As we were talking, though, random insecure thoughts kept popping up. Part of me was laughing, part of me was like, "Really, Krista, really?" and then part of me was trembling in fear that it was true. It was just stupid stuff like, "My legs are so scrawny", (wtf, I know) "My boobs are too big", "Am I really adorable like Chris says?", "What if I'm not smart at all?", etc. And part of me was just laughing hysterically at it.

Really, the insecurities were stupid. And I was feeling absolutely phenomenal about myself and life. So I couldn't believe that I was actually having thoughts like that. It made me laugh because it was just so silly and out of the blue. It didn't make sense and, especially insecurities pertaining to Chris, I was laughing at how far off base I was to even have thoughts like that.

Another part of me was just stunned with disbelief that the thoughts could have come up in the first place. It was incredulous that I could ever think such things, especially about Chris!!! And so I just stared at myself like, "Really, wtf. You're done. No. No more talking. You aren't aloud to talk anymore until your stupidity wears off." It was just pure annoyance that something so stupid could fester in my brain and wait to destroy me like a little time bomb counting down till I hit a moment of depression or something so that then it could completely destroy my mind. Holy crap! I'm a mind ninja to myself!!! 0.0 Scary!!

And the last part of me was scared to death that all of it was true. Trembling in the dark little places in my mind, I was cowering with fear that all my insecurities were based on fact. I guess it kind of goes back to that saying, You are your own worst enemy. And I am. I am the most critical person to myself. I judge myself harder than anyone else does. I verbally attack myself all the time. It's just not cool. Bleh!

Well, let's just say that being torn in those three directions is no fun. Nope. It's the oddest sensation ever. But it makes me laugh at the same time. So maybe next time when I'm feeling down on myself and like I'm worthless to the world I should take a step back and find the humor about all that I'm telling myself. Because I am amazing and I deserve better than what I treat myself with.