Sunday, June 5, 2011

Plant Life

Chris has finally succeeded in getting me into plants, just not the plants he'd hoped. For months now he's been into growing carnivorous plants and hoped that I'd get into them so that we could grow them together. Instead, I got really into succulents and cacti.

Now I find myself just as excited as he is to go to Lowe's and look for more plant stuff because I can expand my garden. I even broke off a part of it to make a small one for my sister to take with her to college. And Chris was right, it is relaxing. Getting to sit outside with my plants, look at how much they've grown, pull weeds, plant other plants, and just care for them is a huge comfort. It calms me down and reminds me to take a breath from my crazy life and remember that it's okay to relax. I like it. So here's to gardening and growing new life!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Finals Week

I feel like my life is trying to kill me right now. I just want to take a bath, drink, watch a heart-wrenching, sad and depressing, no happy ending move and then ball my eyes out. Maybe it would help me feel better. I just want to be done.

I finished my General Biotechnology class on Monday and rocked it. I was feeling great. Went to meet up with my Molecular Biology Lab group and it started to go downhill. Of course. My yesterday morning it all exploded with a member of my group trying to sabotage my grade and make it so that I would fail the class because I didn't "do my part". I'll admit I haven't been fantastic at writing up lab reports super fast, but I do a lot. So I was freaking out yesterday trying to get stuff done and resolve that issue and ensure that I get a good grade for that class. And because of that, I didn't get to do the other work I had planned on doing during that time for the final I had in Experimental Psychology that night. Oh well, it's past. Now I've got three finals left. So close yet so far.

I don't know how much longer I can make it. Last week I got almost no sleep and this week I'm not really sleeping either. It sucks because all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep. I like sleeping so much because it's the one time I can forget that everything else exists.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011


You know, May has started and that means that school is almost over, we're well through 2011 already, and because it's the third I am six months away from turning 21. Weird.

I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. All that's left is this week and four days next week. Then school is done and I am free. Shortly after the end I get to fly away to California, see family, and have a few days of not worrying about due dates and papers and tests and passing classes. I just have to look death in the face and realize that my grandma isn't doing so hot.

Still, looking forward to the freedom I'll have. I can finally clean my house to perfection AND KEEP IT THAT WAY. I can read books. I can play with cats. I can focus on my cactus/succulent garden. I can drink tea and play video games. I can watch movies. I can sleep. I will have the freedom to do whatever I want. It will be awesome. So looking ahead to the light at the end of my tunnel and fighting to finish strong before I collapse from exhaustion in the light. I can do this!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Light and Dark

It's the two sides of one coin, the opposites that make everything possible. It's the good and the bad, the light and the dark, the heads and the tails. That's my life. Right now, looking to the future, there's good, and there's bad.

The Light:
I got accepted to an archaeology field school in Peru. AAAAHHHH!!!! I'm so excited!!! I get to spend six weeks in Peru running around learning how to excavate archeological ruins, collect various artifacts and remains I may find, and how to prepare and analyze them in a lab. Oh I'm so excited!!! AAAHHHH!!!!

Another good thing, I graduate in December!!! Oh man, I don't know how much more of this whole school thing I can take. I'm tired of killing myself and dealing with shitty people and being stressed out all the time and having so much to do all the time. I graduate and I'm done. Thank god.

The Dark:
Well, I want to go to graduate school in the fall of 2012, but I don't think I can get in. They want amazing people, and I just don't see myself fitting into that category. Who knows, maybe going to Peru will help. But still.

You know, my viewpoint of myself has been really shitty lately. I've been really mean to me!!! I just don't like myself. I feel like I'm nothing special, like I'm average, and all kinds of other really nasty stuff that I probably should put here. But I've been super mean to me lately. I don't know what's up.

Also, trying to figure out this whole wedding thing is stressful enough as it is. So we aren't getting married in July like planned but fuck now we have no date and nothing is getting done and it's stressing me out like crazy!! Ahh!! Seriously, I'm about ready to just grab the wedding party and family who wants to go, run away to Vegas, and just get married. Who needs to do something fancy, anyway? Uhg, I'm tired of this whole thing just sitting over my head.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011


They are so weird!!! Honestly, dreams are crazy. Especially mine. They always run in one of two ways: either it's running like it's everyday life and makes it very hard to distinguish from real life, or it plays out like a Hollywood movie and while I'm still one person, I can see a lot of different angles, view points, thoughts, people, etc.

Still, every had dreams that leave you shaking and feeling completely thrown for a new one when you wake up? I'm sure it's fairly common. Generally, I'm fairly used to the crazy level of my dreams and how they differ from most people's, but sometimes i still get thrown off. Today is one of those days.

The dream: fairly simple. Sort of. Basically, I ran into my ex who was taking care of our child. Yeah, I was basically the man. Yeah, I had the baby, but I didn't really want to take care of it so he was. I realized that it was almost a year old when I ran into hi and that I'd hardly spent any time with my daughter. So I was talking to him, spending more time with him and his girlfriend, and trying to bring myself into my daughter's life. The first idea I had to do that (after hanging out with them in a lecture at school...) was to take her home with me for a week and spend a week with her. And it was weird because I really didn't care that he was taking care of her and raising her and it wasn't that important for me to be there for her. Then I started to wonder about custody issues and how to spend time with her and how I really didn't care if I was with her a lot but how he would feel having to give her up for extended periods of time. Ah, it was weird.

Next dream: odd. In short, from having baby I didn't care about I was heading home and was talking to my mom on the phone. Headed to work and was staying there doing my job, and then my boss came up to me and said I could go home because my mother had died. I looked at the schedule and realized that I could take off around a week or two without much problem to grieve and figure shit out. But mainly, I was in shock. No way she could be dead, I had just talked to her!!! As I was heading home, I kept trying to call her. Sometimes it rang and other times I just got stuck with voicemail. And about the time I got home, I got a text from my dad that basically read: As a plane was landing in Pheonix, three people suffered from heart attacks. Two of those had their hearts just stop as the air pressure and whatnot was unusual. One of those was your mother. An investigation may follow. And I guess that's when it hit me that she was really gone. So I spent the rest of the dream (until my cat woke me up yowling) grieving and going back and forth from thinking she was fine to knowing she was dead and freaking out.

Uhg. I like to think that there are deeper meanings to dreams; that there is some underlying thoughts or fears that your dreams can show you if you're receptive to it. I've no idea though. It could be crap. I think that activities you did during the day also can influence it. Watch a movie about kids and you have a tendency to have kids in your dream. Have a conversation about death and it shows up. But not always. Sometimes dreams are completely unrelated. And I have to wonder, where does my head get some of the ideas it does? I don't know, but sometimes I wonder if maybe the dreams I have are a sign that I really am crazy.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011


1. I'm scared to have kids because I'm worried that I won't be a good mom and I'll destroy their lives.

2. I'm too selfish to think of anyone else.

3. I love college to death but I want to be in the "real world".

4. I hate my job and most of the people in it.

5. Sometimes I think I'm going the complete wrong direction in my life.

6. Many days I wake up wishing that I was a famous singer.

7. I wish I knew how to express my thoughts through art.

8. I'm tired of all the drama and yet I love it.

9. I can't walk by a reflective surface without staring at my reflection first.

10. I make things sound worse than they are because I like the attention people give me.

11. I have crazy moments go off all the time in my head, I just use all my self-control to fight the urge. That's why you think I have none.

12. Sometimes I wish I could be a cleaning lady because I always get a rush whenever I see something become clean again.

13. I think I'm fat and my self-conscious self hates it.

14. I think I'm drop dead gorgeous.

15. I'm highly narcissistic and highly insecure at the same time. It sucks.

16. Sometimes, I don't think bipolar is the only thing wrong with me.

17. My favorite colors are crimson red and sapphire blue because one looks like blood and the other looks like the ocean.

18. Sometimes I think it would be a lot of fun to be a serial killer.

19. I can't help but wonder what else I might have blocked out from my childhood.

20. People think I'm crazy blunt and "out there" when it comes to sexuality and all things included, but really it's because it gave me a face to hide behind so that no one could see how much I'd been hurt by it.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


I've been thinking a lot about the past lately, and how much different events can completely shape you and your life into different directions. Specifically, I've been thinking about the people I've let in to my life, the ones I held close, and the ones who meant the most to be. I think about how I've been hurt, how when you love someone you give them the power to completely destroy you and you hold on and hope they don't do it.
I'm getting married in five months. And I still go through the thought of wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I think it's because of the two other people that I let in and held close, the two other people I was sure I was going to spend my life with and how both of them destroyed it. Yeah, I held a part in it, but it always makes you question the legitimacy of a relationship and the point of putting your faith in forever when it's already be tarnished and destroyed not once but twice before. I gave these guys everything, and then they threw it back in my face. Sometimes I wonder if that's what's pushed me to be a cynic towards love, towards the idea that people can care for one another.
I love, and yet I feel nothing. It's the fear that holds me back, the fear that keeps me from saying everything I think and feel, the fear that I will be broken once again and never cared for. Because when the people you feel for most try to break you, why should you trust that everyone else won't do the same? I love Chris more than anything, and yet a part of me holds back because what if he does the same? He's my second longest relationship, and yet it's still moving towards surpassing the longest. My fear is that the longer I'm with him, the more he'll see whatever the others saw and he'll leave me, too. And maybe my thoughts of leaving are there because if I end it first, then it won't hurt so bad when he leaves me. I'm scared to admit this, admit how I really feel and the thoughts that continually run through my head. I'm scared to be alone, and scared to care for another. I'm scared.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Zeta. Life. School. Break.

Well, I made it through the semester. For about the last month I wasn't sure if I was going to actually make it. Things got rough. And Zeta drove me insane. I never thought I'd hit a point where I wanted to quit. Almost did. At this point, I'm going to go alum after I get married. It's a semester early, but it's okay. I didn't get an office and I disagree with the chapter and where it's going, so I don't want to be a part of it any longer than I have to. What I am keeping in mind is the principles of Zeta. I love Zeta for what it stands for, what it teaches, and the ideals every Zeta should live by. It is for these reasons I stick by it, not the people I have to stick by in this chapter. Now don't get me wrong, I love them, but I don't think they make good leaders. There are better people who could be in those positions but whatever. The politics aren't going to ruin my life. They're everywhere and unavoidable in life so just learning to deal and survive is good.
School is over. For the semester at least. Two left. And I'm on break. So yeah. Freedom. We'll see how the next few weeks go.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Life and Butterflies

I don't know what butterflies have to do with anything, but it sounds good in the title =] Life is going. As it always is. Just going. It has it's ups and downs, sure, but I always at least try to keep going. Right now I'm on an up. This past week was a down. Still, it's that you keep going that matters.

I'd rather not say in its entirety what it was that was going on, but let's just say some misunderstandings between people caused a lot a tension. I love these people to death, and I definitely value their opinions, but it definitely makes you think.

Sometimes you need to look at why you care about something. Sometimes it's important to know why you care about certain things, why you work certain places, why you love certain people, why you are friends with people. When you think about it, review it, evaluate it, reason with it, and understand it, you can appreciate it that much. When you revisit it and don't take for granted what you have, you can love it that much more. You can be that much happier that it is in your life. Be glad that you have those things, not upset by all of the tiny details that in the end don't even matter. Life is, so appreciate it for all it's worth and live each day to its fullest.

Friday, November 5, 2010


I'm working on losing weight. Chris has been a douche about it but whatever. Twice he's done this to me where he declares that we are going on a diet because he wants to lose weight and so I must diet with him, and thus everything I try to eat gets patronized as being wrong. This time I decided, "Fine. Fuck this. You want to lose weight? Fine, I will, too. And I'll really do it. Fuck you." I know how to be healthy. It's not as if I was skinny and magically became fat and I continued to sit around on my ass thinking, "Huh, how did this happen?" I'm not dumb. I understand how I gained weight. And I know what it means to be healthy and in shape. I've just chosen not to lately because I've had more to worry about than what my weight is. So I found an amazing website ( and started actually trying to lose weight for the first time ever. Yay me.

Let's talk about SparkPeople. It's a super awesome website. If you are trying to lose weight, I STRONGLY recommend it. Here's why:

1. SparkPeople recognizes the issues with fad diets. Diets like Adkins, South Beach, Acai whatever, and all else that comes and goes don't work. The issue with these is that it makes you lose weight fast, get the goal you want, and then you're done. Easy as pie. But then after that you go right back to what you did before and *surprise* you gain back all the weight you lost and a little more. The next diet you try doesn't work as effectively, at least not as fast, but it does the trick. You end it, go back to your old life style and *gasp* you are back to your original weight and then a little more. Every time you start a new fad diet, it is harder to lose the weight. 98% of all people who do these diets gain back all their weight and then some after ending it.

The SparkPeople Solution:
Yo-yo dieting doesn't work. If you want to change your weight, you have to change your lifestyle. If what you're doing isn't working (which, obviously, if you are unhappy with your weight, look, etc. it's not) then you need to change it. The first step to change anything is to know what it is you're doing.

2. Sparkpeople gives you a means to look at what you're doing and makes you aware of what you should be doing differently. They don't say, "Oh look at you, fatty!" or, "Fuck, you're eating that? No wonder you don't lose weight!" or "Get off your ass and do something you lazy, good-for-nothing cow!" SparkPeople knows that no one is perfect. The way to get somewhere is through encouragement, not yelling and harshness that condemns your every behavior. That doesn't work. So if you know that what you are doing isn't working for you, then you need to know what exactly it is that you are doing.

The SparkPeople Solution:
SparkPeople gives you a way to look at what it is you do. They provide the means to put in how much food you eat a day, how many calories it is, how much fat and protein and carbs are you taking in, how much you work out a day, how much water you drink, how much sleep you get, etc. If you can begin to see what you do, look at it objectively, and be aware of what you are doing, then you can begin to change it. Again, how can you change a problem that you don't even know what's causing it?

3. It gives you pointers, ideas, and support. So once you know what it is you are doing, how are you going to change it? Do you know, based on your size, weight, and gender, about how many of these nutrients you should be getting daily, how much sleep you should get, and how much water you should drink? Do you know where to begin? What about what kind of food is good to eat, what exercises burn the most calories, and what works best for your body?

The SparkPeople Solution:
SparkPeople provides hundreds of articles for you to read that are all health related. They also give ideas on how to stay motivated, recipes for good food, ways to work in exercise into insane schedules, and other tools that you can use to help you reach the goal you want to achieve.

4. All of the support. Spark people has thousands of people who use it every single day. And these people all are struggling with the same kind of issues. Me personally, I'm in different groups based on my needs. One is focused on motivation. It's a group that constantly pushes one another to do their best and know they aren't alone. Another is for 20 somethings. This group looks at people my age and different life issues they go through and how it can challenge you and your determination to lose the weight you want to. Another is a group for ex-dancers/cheerleaders/gymnasts. This is for those hardcore athletes who had amazing bodies who, once life got crazy, couldn't do it anymore and don't know how to get back into shape without going through the extremes of athleticism. And yet another is for those who are targeting losing stomach fat, because sometimes, if you just had a smaller stomach, you know you'd look better. The fact that there are so many different groups for so many people, all supporting each other, driving one another, and holding each other accountable is incredible. It gives that extra boost that you need to get going and keep up with it.

Anyone can go on a diet, but it's hard to keep at it, especially without support. Something hard for me is that people in college tend to not give a shit about their body because hey, we're in our 20s. Who gives a fuck? Support is lacking, and honestly, if no one else cares, why should I? SparkPeople has helped me get tools to know what I'm doing, realize what needs to be different, and given me the support to stick with it. I've lost 7lbs already, and I plan to lose another 20. If you need help and haven't found anything that works, try it. It's awesome.