Plant Life

Chris has finally succeeded in getting me into plants, just not the plants he'd hoped. For months now he's been into growing carnivorous plants and hoped that I'd get into them so that we could grow them together. Instead, I got really into succulents and cacti.

Now I find myself just as excited as he is to go to Lowe's and look for more plant stuff because I can expand my garden. I even broke off a part of it to make a small one for my sister to take with her to college. And Chris was right, it is relaxing. Getting to sit outside with my plants, look at how much they've grown, pull weeds, plant other plants, and just care for them is a huge comfort. It calms me down and reminds me to take a breath from my crazy life and remember that it's okay to relax. I like it. So here's to gardening and growing new life!

Finals Week

I feel like my life is trying to kill me right now. I just want to take a bath, drink, watch a heart-wrenching, sad and depressing, no happy ending move and then ball my eyes out. Maybe it would help me feel better. I just want to be done.

I finished my General Biotechnology class on Monday and rocked it. I was feeling great. Went to meet up with my Molecular Biology Lab group and it started to go downhill. Of course. My yesterday morning it all exploded with a member of my group trying to sabotage my grade and make it so that I would fail the class because I didn't "do my part". I'll admit I haven't been fantastic at writing up lab reports super fast, but I do a lot. So I was freaking out yesterday trying to get stuff done and resolve that issue and ensure that I get a good grade for that class. And because of that, I didn't get to do the other work I had planned on doing during that time for the final I had in Experimental Psychology that night. Oh well, it's past. Now I've got three finals left. So close yet so far.

I don't know how much longer I can make it. Last week I got almost no sleep and this week I'm not really sleeping either. It sucks because all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep. I like sleeping so much because it's the one time I can forget that everything else exists.

May

You know, May has started and that means that school is almost over, we're well through 2011 already, and because it's the third I am six months away from turning 21. Weird.

I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. All that's left is this week and four days next week. Then school is done and I am free. Shortly after the end I get to fly away to California, see family, and have a few days of not worrying about due dates and papers and tests and passing classes. I just have to look death in the face and realize that my grandma isn't doing so hot.

Still, looking forward to the freedom I'll have. I can finally clean my house to perfection AND KEEP IT THAT WAY. I can read books. I can play with cats. I can focus on my cactus/succulent garden. I can drink tea and play video games. I can watch movies. I can sleep. I will have the freedom to do whatever I want. It will be awesome. So looking ahead to the light at the end of my tunnel and fighting to finish strong before I collapse from exhaustion in the light. I can do this!

Light and Dark

It's the two sides of one coin, the opposites that make everything possible. It's the good and the bad, the light and the dark, the heads and the tails. That's my life. Right now, looking to the future, there's good, and there's bad.

The Light:
I got accepted to an archaeology field school in Peru. AAAAHHHH!!!! I'm so excited!!! I get to spend six weeks in Peru running around learning how to excavate archeological ruins, collect various artifacts and remains I may find, and how to prepare and analyze them in a lab. Oh I'm so excited!!! AAAHHHH!!!!

Another good thing, I graduate in December!!! Oh man, I don't know how much more of this whole school thing I can take. I'm tired of killing myself and dealing with shitty people and being stressed out all the time and having so much to do all the time. I graduate and I'm done. Thank god.

The Dark:
Well, I want to go to graduate school in the fall of 2012, but I don't think I can get in. They want amazing people, and I just don't see myself fitting into that category. Who knows, maybe going to Peru will help. But still.

You know, my viewpoint of myself has been really shitty lately. I've been really mean to me!!! I just don't like myself. I feel like I'm nothing special, like I'm average, and all kinds of other really nasty stuff that I probably should put here. But I've been super mean to me lately. I don't know what's up.

Also, trying to figure out this whole wedding thing is stressful enough as it is. So we aren't getting married in July like planned but fuck now we have no date and nothing is getting done and it's stressing me out like crazy!! Ahh!! Seriously, I'm about ready to just grab the wedding party and family who wants to go, run away to Vegas, and just get married. Who needs to do something fancy, anyway? Uhg, I'm tired of this whole thing just sitting over my head.

Dreams

They are so weird!!! Honestly, dreams are crazy. Especially mine. They always run in one of two ways: either it's running like it's everyday life and makes it very hard to distinguish from real life, or it plays out like a Hollywood movie and while I'm still one person, I can see a lot of different angles, view points, thoughts, people, etc.

Still, every had dreams that leave you shaking and feeling completely thrown for a new one when you wake up? I'm sure it's fairly common. Generally, I'm fairly used to the crazy level of my dreams and how they differ from most people's, but sometimes i still get thrown off. Today is one of those days.

The dream: fairly simple. Sort of. Basically, I ran into my ex who was taking care of our child. Yeah, I was basically the man. Yeah, I had the baby, but I didn't really want to take care of it so he was. I realized that it was almost a year old when I ran into hi and that I'd hardly spent any time with my daughter. So I was talking to him, spending more time with him and his girlfriend, and trying to bring myself into my daughter's life. The first idea I had to do that (after hanging out with them in a lecture at school...) was to take her home with me for a week and spend a week with her. And it was weird because I really didn't care that he was taking care of her and raising her and it wasn't that important for me to be there for her. Then I started to wonder about custody issues and how to spend time with her and how I really didn't care if I was with her a lot but how he would feel having to give her up for extended periods of time. Ah, it was weird.

Next dream: odd. In short, from having baby I didn't care about I was heading home and was talking to my mom on the phone. Headed to work and was staying there doing my job, and then my boss came up to me and said I could go home because my mother had died. I looked at the schedule and realized that I could take off around a week or two without much problem to grieve and figure shit out. But mainly, I was in shock. No way she could be dead, I had just talked to her!!! As I was heading home, I kept trying to call her. Sometimes it rang and other times I just got stuck with voicemail. And about the time I got home, I got a text from my dad that basically read: As a plane was landing in Pheonix, three people suffered from heart attacks. Two of those had their hearts just stop as the air pressure and whatnot was unusual. One of those was your mother. An investigation may follow. And I guess that's when it hit me that she was really gone. So I spent the rest of the dream (until my cat woke me up yowling) grieving and going back and forth from thinking she was fine to knowing she was dead and freaking out.

Uhg. I like to think that there are deeper meanings to dreams; that there is some underlying thoughts or fears that your dreams can show you if you're receptive to it. I've no idea though. It could be crap. I think that activities you did during the day also can influence it. Watch a movie about kids and you have a tendency to have kids in your dream. Have a conversation about death and it shows up. But not always. Sometimes dreams are completely unrelated. And I have to wonder, where does my head get some of the ideas it does? I don't know, but sometimes I wonder if maybe the dreams I have are a sign that I really am crazy.

"Secrets"

1. I'm scared to have kids because I'm worried that I won't be a good mom and I'll destroy their lives.

2. I'm too selfish to think of anyone else.

3. I love college to death but I want to be in the "real world".

4. I hate my job and most of the people in it.

5. Sometimes I think I'm going the complete wrong direction in my life.

6. Many days I wake up wishing that I was a famous singer.

7. I wish I knew how to express my thoughts through art.

8. I'm tired of all the drama and yet I love it.

9. I can't walk by a reflective surface without staring at my reflection first.

10. I make things sound worse than they are because I like the attention people give me.

11. I have crazy moments go off all the time in my head, I just use all my self-control to fight the urge. That's why you think I have none.

12. Sometimes I wish I could be a cleaning lady because I always get a rush whenever I see something become clean again.

13. I think I'm fat and my self-conscious self hates it.

14. I think I'm drop dead gorgeous.

15. I'm highly narcissistic and highly insecure at the same time. It sucks.

16. Sometimes, I don't think bipolar is the only thing wrong with me.

17. My favorite colors are crimson red and sapphire blue because one looks like blood and the other looks like the ocean.

18. Sometimes I think it would be a lot of fun to be a serial killer.

19. I can't help but wonder what else I might have blocked out from my childhood.

20. People think I'm crazy blunt and "out there" when it comes to sexuality and all things included, but really it's because it gave me a face to hide behind so that no one could see how much I'd been hurt by it.

Unknown

I've been thinking a lot about the past lately, and how much different events can completely shape you and your life into different directions. Specifically, I've been thinking about the people I've let in to my life, the ones I held close, and the ones who meant the most to be. I think about how I've been hurt, how when you love someone you give them the power to completely destroy you and you hold on and hope they don't do it.
I'm getting married in five months. And I still go through the thought of wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I think it's because of the two other people that I let in and held close, the two other people I was sure I was going to spend my life with and how both of them destroyed it. Yeah, I held a part in it, but it always makes you question the legitimacy of a relationship and the point of putting your faith in forever when it's already be tarnished and destroyed not once but twice before. I gave these guys everything, and then they threw it back in my face. Sometimes I wonder if that's what's pushed me to be a cynic towards love, towards the idea that people can care for one another.
I love, and yet I feel nothing. It's the fear that holds me back, the fear that keeps me from saying everything I think and feel, the fear that I will be broken once again and never cared for. Because when the people you feel for most try to break you, why should you trust that everyone else won't do the same? I love Chris more than anything, and yet a part of me holds back because what if he does the same? He's my second longest relationship, and yet it's still moving towards surpassing the longest. My fear is that the longer I'm with him, the more he'll see whatever the others saw and he'll leave me, too. And maybe my thoughts of leaving are there because if I end it first, then it won't hurt so bad when he leaves me. I'm scared to admit this, admit how I really feel and the thoughts that continually run through my head. I'm scared to be alone, and scared to care for another. I'm scared.