Saturday, December 18, 2010

Zeta. Life. School. Break.

Well, I made it through the semester. For about the last month I wasn't sure if I was going to actually make it. Things got rough. And Zeta drove me insane. I never thought I'd hit a point where I wanted to quit. Almost did. At this point, I'm going to go alum after I get married. It's a semester early, but it's okay. I didn't get an office and I disagree with the chapter and where it's going, so I don't want to be a part of it any longer than I have to. What I am keeping in mind is the principles of Zeta. I love Zeta for what it stands for, what it teaches, and the ideals every Zeta should live by. It is for these reasons I stick by it, not the people I have to stick by in this chapter. Now don't get me wrong, I love them, but I don't think they make good leaders. There are better people who could be in those positions but whatever. The politics aren't going to ruin my life. They're everywhere and unavoidable in life so just learning to deal and survive is good.
School is over. For the semester at least. Two left. And I'm on break. So yeah. Freedom. We'll see how the next few weeks go.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Life and Butterflies

I don't know what butterflies have to do with anything, but it sounds good in the title =] Life is going. As it always is. Just going. It has it's ups and downs, sure, but I always at least try to keep going. Right now I'm on an up. This past week was a down. Still, it's that you keep going that matters.

I'd rather not say in its entirety what it was that was going on, but let's just say some misunderstandings between people caused a lot a tension. I love these people to death, and I definitely value their opinions, but it definitely makes you think.

Sometimes you need to look at why you care about something. Sometimes it's important to know why you care about certain things, why you work certain places, why you love certain people, why you are friends with people. When you think about it, review it, evaluate it, reason with it, and understand it, you can appreciate it that much. When you revisit it and don't take for granted what you have, you can love it that much more. You can be that much happier that it is in your life. Be glad that you have those things, not upset by all of the tiny details that in the end don't even matter. Life is, so appreciate it for all it's worth and live each day to its fullest.

Friday, November 5, 2010


I'm working on losing weight. Chris has been a douche about it but whatever. Twice he's done this to me where he declares that we are going on a diet because he wants to lose weight and so I must diet with him, and thus everything I try to eat gets patronized as being wrong. This time I decided, "Fine. Fuck this. You want to lose weight? Fine, I will, too. And I'll really do it. Fuck you." I know how to be healthy. It's not as if I was skinny and magically became fat and I continued to sit around on my ass thinking, "Huh, how did this happen?" I'm not dumb. I understand how I gained weight. And I know what it means to be healthy and in shape. I've just chosen not to lately because I've had more to worry about than what my weight is. So I found an amazing website ( and started actually trying to lose weight for the first time ever. Yay me.

Let's talk about SparkPeople. It's a super awesome website. If you are trying to lose weight, I STRONGLY recommend it. Here's why:

1. SparkPeople recognizes the issues with fad diets. Diets like Adkins, South Beach, Acai whatever, and all else that comes and goes don't work. The issue with these is that it makes you lose weight fast, get the goal you want, and then you're done. Easy as pie. But then after that you go right back to what you did before and *surprise* you gain back all the weight you lost and a little more. The next diet you try doesn't work as effectively, at least not as fast, but it does the trick. You end it, go back to your old life style and *gasp* you are back to your original weight and then a little more. Every time you start a new fad diet, it is harder to lose the weight. 98% of all people who do these diets gain back all their weight and then some after ending it.

The SparkPeople Solution:
Yo-yo dieting doesn't work. If you want to change your weight, you have to change your lifestyle. If what you're doing isn't working (which, obviously, if you are unhappy with your weight, look, etc. it's not) then you need to change it. The first step to change anything is to know what it is you're doing.

2. Sparkpeople gives you a means to look at what you're doing and makes you aware of what you should be doing differently. They don't say, "Oh look at you, fatty!" or, "Fuck, you're eating that? No wonder you don't lose weight!" or "Get off your ass and do something you lazy, good-for-nothing cow!" SparkPeople knows that no one is perfect. The way to get somewhere is through encouragement, not yelling and harshness that condemns your every behavior. That doesn't work. So if you know that what you are doing isn't working for you, then you need to know what exactly it is that you are doing.

The SparkPeople Solution:
SparkPeople gives you a way to look at what it is you do. They provide the means to put in how much food you eat a day, how many calories it is, how much fat and protein and carbs are you taking in, how much you work out a day, how much water you drink, how much sleep you get, etc. If you can begin to see what you do, look at it objectively, and be aware of what you are doing, then you can begin to change it. Again, how can you change a problem that you don't even know what's causing it?

3. It gives you pointers, ideas, and support. So once you know what it is you are doing, how are you going to change it? Do you know, based on your size, weight, and gender, about how many of these nutrients you should be getting daily, how much sleep you should get, and how much water you should drink? Do you know where to begin? What about what kind of food is good to eat, what exercises burn the most calories, and what works best for your body?

The SparkPeople Solution:
SparkPeople provides hundreds of articles for you to read that are all health related. They also give ideas on how to stay motivated, recipes for good food, ways to work in exercise into insane schedules, and other tools that you can use to help you reach the goal you want to achieve.

4. All of the support. Spark people has thousands of people who use it every single day. And these people all are struggling with the same kind of issues. Me personally, I'm in different groups based on my needs. One is focused on motivation. It's a group that constantly pushes one another to do their best and know they aren't alone. Another is for 20 somethings. This group looks at people my age and different life issues they go through and how it can challenge you and your determination to lose the weight you want to. Another is a group for ex-dancers/cheerleaders/gymnasts. This is for those hardcore athletes who had amazing bodies who, once life got crazy, couldn't do it anymore and don't know how to get back into shape without going through the extremes of athleticism. And yet another is for those who are targeting losing stomach fat, because sometimes, if you just had a smaller stomach, you know you'd look better. The fact that there are so many different groups for so many people, all supporting each other, driving one another, and holding each other accountable is incredible. It gives that extra boost that you need to get going and keep up with it.

Anyone can go on a diet, but it's hard to keep at it, especially without support. Something hard for me is that people in college tend to not give a shit about their body because hey, we're in our 20s. Who gives a fuck? Support is lacking, and honestly, if no one else cares, why should I? SparkPeople has helped me get tools to know what I'm doing, realize what needs to be different, and given me the support to stick with it. I've lost 7lbs already, and I plan to lose another 20. If you need help and haven't found anything that works, try it. It's awesome.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Working On Awareness

That's my thing right now, being aware of my life. What's the point of living if you only go through life in a half daze worrying about anything and everything to the point that you have no idea what's really going on? The first place that I am trying this out is how much I eat and drink daily. Being aware of what I put into my body can help me begin to be healthier. If I start to act healthier, I'll feel better. When I feel better I pay better attention to everything else. So this is my theory. I'm going to pay attention to smaller details and work my way out to see everything. I hope it works.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

SpyParty – A Spy Game About Subtle Behavior

SpyParty – A Spy Game About Subtle Behavior

So, awesome looking game. I'm not big on shooter games. Yeah, they're fun, but I don't want to spend all my time playing them. It's not my thing. And to be honest, my kind of game is subtle, behind-the-scenes games where you have to think when you play. And this sounds like the perfect game. Oh, I want to play so bad!!! I'll probably be horrible when I first start, but it's primary focus is all on the subtle details of the game, the people, the characters, and the players. You have to think before you act. You get one shot, and if you guess wrong it's game over. This is my kind of game. I'm interested to see where it goes and what it develops into. Alright, so there's probably another two years under its belt before it's released to the public, but it looks like it's going to be worth the wait. I'm excited that someone is making a game like this; it's so atypical from most games that are created these days, and something that encourages players to think and observe is a really good idea. Check it out, it looks like it's going to be a lot of fun =]

Getting Help

Because I'm insane. I think. My moods are awful, medication only works some of the time, so I'm in the process of finding a psychiatrist nearby who can help me out and figure out what to do. Yay. I hate being like this. I wish I was different.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Little Sisters and Zeta

So,yesterday we unveiled who our new member's big sisters are. You know what mine did? Told me that she didn't want me because I'm never around and acted pissed off in subtler ways all the while hinting at who she really wanted as her big. FML. It doesn't help me that she said the exact words that have been bothering me for the last month: I'm never around. It's true. I can't do anything with my sisters. I'm always working. And so no matter what they're doing, I'm never there for it. I don't know our new members because I'm not there. Hell, yeah I got this little sister, but I don't even know her! So what am I to do?

I think what hurts the most is that I'm trying and people don't see that unless they're my closest friends in chapter. It makes me want to quit. Honestly, I feel like I'm only dragging my chapter down if I stay. I'm an officer, yes, but I'm debating on if I should relinquish that position. I don't know what to do. This fucking sucks.

Saturday, October 2, 2010


My fun, lovable lump of love finally came home!!! Yay!!! He's been M.I.A. for the past week and a half, and then he just shows up this morning. WTF? Still, I'm glad he's back. Chris has been really upset because Derp is his favorite cat and he hasn't been here. Oi. As a result of the missing cat, we've gone to get collars for all three cats. Now, if they run off people will know that they are owned. Now if only we got tags with their names on them and phone numbers to reach us at.....

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Mental Notes to Self

1. Getting enough sleep makes you feel better.

2. If you eat regularly, not only do you look healthier, you feel better and you're more stable.

3. Taking your pills regularly like you're supposed to keeps you from having melt downs.

4. Start studying for a test when you first get the material that'll be covered on it. You'll know it better and you won't be stressing out before the test. And you'll do better when you actually take the test.

5. If you get up with enough time to get ready in the morning, you're relaxed and able to make it to class with ample time to get ready and you're better prepared for learning the information presented.

6. Planning ahead and working on stuff prior to when it needs to be done means less stress later on when it actually needs to be done.

7. Showering regularly makes you feel better.

8. Dressing up every now and then is good for you; it's good to feel pretty and like yourself.

9. Take time for you but don't spend all free time on you. Remember that you still have stuff that needs to be done.

10. No matter what your moods tell you, how you feel, or what you're thinking, you are awesome. There are people who love you, and you will be missed if you aren't here.

Friday, September 24, 2010


That's what I'm working on right now. I think it'll be better after today when I've finished this damn test that's attempting to be the bane of my existence, but whatever. I'm praying I don't have work tomorrow. Then I'd have my weekend to get my life back together. It'd be like hitting a reset button in my head! Woo! If only...

My issue lately is that I'm WAY hormonal. I have no idea why, either. I've been taking my meds regularly, so who knows. I really need to see a shrink though. If I could talk to them then maybe they could get me correctly medicated for the depression side AND help with the stupid manic shit too. That would be awesome. All I want is to be stable. Why is that too much to ask for? Oi.

So, chilling at work. I found coffee, a coffee pot, filters, creamer, sugar, cups, and spoons. I'm stoked. I'm going to make coffee in a bit, for one because I'm freezing but primarily because I need to study for the test of doom I have today. I swear, it's evil. Multiple choice, fill in the blank, true/false where you have to correct false statements into true statements, and short answer. And all on vertebrate zoology. Fuck.

Mmm, the sound of coffee brewing makes me feel awesome. Yay ^.^ Found my happy place for the morning. Maybe today won't be so bad after all =]

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


I'm just scared about life, scared about everything. What if I can't do it? What if I don't succeed? What if I die trying? Would it be worth it or would I be regretting what I failed at? I don't know. And I hate that I'm bipolar, because I can't tell what emotions I feel are just emotions because of the chemicals in my body or if they're real emotions that I have real reason for feeling. I've been crazy hormonal lately and I have no idea why. I've been taking my medication, I've been trying to eat well and exercise, but the mood swings are horrible. I really need to find a psychiatrist so that I can get medication worked out but IT'S SO FUCKING HARD TO FIND ONE!!!! I hate this. Hate everything. I hate my life. I wish I could make everything disappear, or maybe just fade out of existence myself.

Friday, September 17, 2010


You know, it's crazy what some people, like myself, choose to do with their lives. Especially me. I know it's all voluntary, but shit! I must be crazy! I'm taking 20 hours this semester (the vast majority of which are upper division), I have two jobs, I'm actively participating in Zeta, I'm planning a wedding, I'm an officer in Zeta, and officer in Panhellenic, the Executive Director of Student Senate, and I'm in belly dancing. Sometimes I think I'm intentionally trying to kill myself.

Currently, at Job B (a.k.a. front desk worker in a dorm) there is an alarm going off. It beeps for about two minutes, stops for 10-30 seconds, then starts again. I've been here for three and a half hours. I think I'm going to kill it. Normally I use my time at this job to study and get much needed homework done, but today that is utterly impossible. I have a hard enough time focusing when it's quiet. Add constant alarm status and loud volumes and it's damn near impossible. Uhg.

Anyway, I'm just a bit tired and wanting to go to bed. Stupid beeping thing. So I felt like rambling a bit. Besides, you're reading this, so clearly you don't mind my crazy too much ;)

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Grad School?

Currently that's the issue I'm mulling over in my head. Do I want to go to grad school and get a master's in Forensics or do I want to go to law school. Luckily, there are a couple of schools where you can actually do both. Still, you have to be accepted into each program individually. Uhg. I've been looking at numerous grad schools, and after I get through those I'm probably going to start checking out law schools. Oi. If only I knew what to do with my life.

I'm finally done with recruitment and finally unsilenced. I can reassociate with Zeta, however it sucks because I work nights. This means that even though I can hang out with them and wear shirts and whatever else, I still can't really go to anything because I'm always working. FML. I guess that's what happens in the big kid world, you lose time to do fun things as you work your butt off to make ends meet. Sometimes I wish I wasn't growing up. Plus, no matter where I go for school in 2012, I'm going to be moving to a place I don't know (more likely than not) and being far from everyone and everything I know. Alright, the only schools in Forensics are basically on the coasts, and mostly in the northeast. If I moved there I'd be close to family I've never really known well, and if I moved to California I'd be really close to family I rarely see. If I go to Florida, well, there's no one there. Nore is there anyone in Michigan or Illinois. *Sigh* Life is hard.

The good thing is the stability and happiness that Chris gives me. Whenever I start to lose hope or get really down he's always there to pick me back up and remind me that I'm okay. No matter what I freak out about, from Zeta to being a hypochondriac (and all that comes with that) to school, to family, to life, he's always there to keep me sane. He loves me and supports me in all I do, and he's there for me. Always. I fucking love this guy.

Well, life is kicking my ass. I'm a student who's taking overtime in hours (full time max is 18, I'm doing 20), I'm working two jobs, I'm in many extracurricular activities, and I still manage to maintain a 3.3 GPA and a social life. I think I'm superwoman.

Friday, September 10, 2010


Recruitment is insane, but then again it always is. There's always people who are going to say you're doing a horrible job, those who tell you hwo to do it, and those who praise it. You're always going to mess up because, hey, you're human. It's what we do. And no one is perfect. I think that's why I like recruitment. It reminds me to not take myself so seriously, to be calm, and to know that if I tried pleasing everyone that in the end I will have failed. All I can do is my best, work to have things run smoothly, be strong, and remember, if things are going great then you haven't reached the end. Besides, in under 24 hours I will no longer be silenced, recruitment will be over, I'll have almost 20 new and beautiful sisters, and I won't have to worry about this any more. Things aren't amazing yet because I'm not at the end yet =]

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Remeber Me

Amazing movie. Only issue: It forced me to relive all the pain I've experienced during my life involving family and relationships. Fuck.

It hurts. Everything does. It's painful. Family dynamics that fucking suck, pain for everything I've been holding in, losing people I love. Everything. And all the pain I've ever felt is rushing back. Being betrayed, hurt in some of the cruelest ways imaginable by people that you love and trust, seeing your family fall apart, support for sibling when others don't. Just, uhg.


Feeling like the world is going around.
Feeling like I can't stick around.
Feeling like it's all passing me by.
Feeling like I'm wondering why.
Feeling like it's all a lie.
Feeling like I can't keep going.
Feeling like I'm really confused.
Feeling like I can't clear my head.
Feeling like I should lie instead.
Feeling completely alone.
Feeling like I can't go on.
Feeling like I can't do this.
Feeling like I need to think.
Feeling like nothing makes sense.
Feeling like nothing makes sense.
Feeling like nothing makes sense.
Can you keep going.
Can you keep wondering?Can I stay living?
Fuck it all as it goes in and out.
Fuck it all, it's time to go.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Isis Lessons

Isis, as you may or may not know, is my kitten who is about three months old, give or take a few weeks. She's adorable, fun loving, and just happy to be alive. And she teaches me every day new ways to live.

Isis loves freely. Every person she comes into contact with she lets into her heart. They say love is blind, and for Isis, it truly is. All you need to do is be there and she becomes yours. She reminds me every day what it is to love unconditionally.

Isis comes to love on me every day. No matter how I'm feeling, no matter what I've done, she still is by my side. When I'm feeling down, like last night, she makes it a point to stay on my lap curled up and maintaining all of my attention so that I don't notice that I am sad anymore. She reminds me of the age-old saying, "This too shall pass."

Isis never lets anything get her down. Despite what my other two cats, Derp and Spaz, think of her, she's always happy. They can bug her all she wants, they can hate on here and ignore her, growl at her, or fight with her, and yet she doesn't let it bug her in the slightest. She just goes about her business, loving freely and being completely and totally stoked just to be alive. She reminds me every day that this life is all I have, and I am in control of it. I can control how I see things, how I let things affect me, and how I live my life. She reminds me to live life to the fullest.

Isis may just be a cat, but she can still be a reminder in the most stressful of times to sit back, relax, and love life. She's one of the closest things to me, and she means the world. She truly is unique, and for what she reminds me of every day I can never give up.

Friday, August 27, 2010


Yeah, okay, it's something that just about every adult does. I'm working at McCarty's, a local restaurant that has a homey feel with good food relatively fast for not too high a price. I work as a waitress, cashier, bus girl, and whatever else needs to be done, like preparing or cooking food, changing the sign outside, taking out trash, prepping the food, like onions to be ready for quickly made onion rings, to running errands. It happens. I actually really like my job, it's just being on my feet for hours that kills me.

Currently, my mood is weird. I feel full of energy, ready to go and conquer the world. I want to do things, accomplish everything possible, and like I'm invincible. It's true. I feel like I can clean my house tonight, do all my homework, take care of the cats, cook a full dinner, and not even need sleep. And yet I'm feeling so down, like there's no point to anything. Like, what am I going to do with my life? What's the point of being in school? I can get by without all the education. Who needs a fancy life? Why try on anything? It doesn't matter what I do, I'll never make a difference. There's nothing special about me, nothing unique, nothing worthy of even using resources on. I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing, staring into space wishing I could stop existing and wondering why that hasn't happened yet. And yet I still feel like I can change the world.

I'm not sure what's up with that. I'm doing a lot with my life, so maybe I'm just stressed out by trying to make it all work. Maybe it's just my bipolar shit kicking in, and I just need to move on with my life because honestly, I'll get over it. By next week or even tomorrow I'll feel completely different. Or exactly the same. Or I shifted to one of the two moods. Hell if I know. All I know is that I'm doing my best to keep going. I feel like I'm accomplishing a lot and doing a lot with my life right now, but at the same time I feel like it's nothing at all. Who knows.

I feel like talking to people but I don't know what I would say. I want to be held and told I'm fine and I'll be okay and yet I just want to be alone. I want to be with someone, like being a lone is a horrible idea and yet that's all I even want. My own space. my own everything. But I don't at the same time. Fuck me, right?

Oh well. At this point, yeah I'm tired, but stuff also needs to get done. I want to do it but I don't at the same time. Who knows. And who knows how this even relates to work and how I started this blog. Bleh. I think I'm retarded.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

School Year '10-'11

Oi. Yup, it's started. Huzzah!! I've figured out that I only have three semesters left until I graduate with a double major. Sweet! Also, haven't yet decided what it is I'm going to do after school. A part of me wants to be a lawyer, and yet part of me thinks that's a bad idea. I don't know. Luckily, after I graduate I'm taking a semester off so hopefully I can figure out at least a few more steps of what I'm going to do after school. Oi.

As of now I am planning recruitment for all Women's Greek Organizations on campus. Woo! Also, planning a wedding, working, and going to school full time. Jeez mon'! Luckily I have amazing friends, like Lish, who are there all along the way. And what would I do without Chris? He really is my rock. He's the resounding figure that's pushing me to get through school, to not give up when things get tough, and my shoulder to cry on when it feels like everything is falling apart. And that's part of why I'm marrying him.

I really need to clean my house, though. It's stressing me out because it's so dirty, and the cats are throwing a fit that we haven't cleaned the litter box in a while. Ew. I'm still debating on whether or not to clean after I post this. I've been feeling sick all day, but honestly, maybe it's in part due to the state of my house right now. Gah, if only I had a washer and drier. I was so close, too! Well, we'll see what happens. Maybe I'll wash a few dishes then go to sleep. I've done some homework today, so I'm feeling pretty decent. Worked tonight, did well, missed a class because I almost passed out and threw up everywhere, but overall I'm feeling okay at this point. Just tired. So maybe all I'll do is some dishes. And maybe the litter box. Or I'll have Chris do it when he gets home.

Monday, August 9, 2010


So, for those of you who read this who haven't seen or heard elsewhere, I am getting married. Technically, Chris and I got engaged in March, and it has been one of the most difficult things keeping it a secret until now. Still, it was worth it.

You know, I never really thought about weddings much until I actually got engaged. Sure, I've thought about it in passing because Stahelin and I, as well as Sam and I, have talked about getting married. I was sort of engaged (to us we were, officially we weren't) but because it was such a thing as only between us, I didn't take it too seriously. Is it bad that it's hard for me to trust a guy who says he wants to spend his life with me until he actually commits with something like a ring? It makes me feel selfish, or cruel, like I use them or lie to them emotionally until they "prove" themselves. But what else can I do? I've already been with two guys who swore on everything they had that I meant the world to them. I gave them everything, and trusted them fully, only to have them turn their backs on me in the end. I was ready to give them my life, and yet it was they who left me. So does it make me a bad person to have a harder time to believe the third who says the same?

Still, he really is serious, and I'm glad. Chris is amazing. He means the world to me. I don't think I could have found a better guy. He makes me so happy in so many ways, and I feel I can truly be myself with him. I don't feel like he judges me for who I am. And he wants me to say what I feel, what I think, rather than judging me for it and pushing me to keep myself locked inside. I'm happy, and I'm getting married =]

For those of you who know me, be ready for 2012. Send me an email if you want more information and desire to attend; I'd love to have you there!

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

So Close!!!

Summer school ends this week. I've finished two of four classes. I'm so ready to be done. Oi. Just waiting for the week to end. Huzzah! After this week I can spend all of my energy on two things: Cleaning my house and planning recruitment. Dude, I couldn't even sleep last night because of how much I was thinking of/planning recruitment. Oi. Eat, sleep, and breathe it I suppose. I guess it's a good thing though, to care this much. It means I actually give a crap about it and want to make sure it's good. Bleh. I will cuddle with the cats and plan. Fun. Anyway, not much else to say. I'll ttyl.

Thursday, July 22, 2010


My baby. And today I had to give her away.

It fucking sucks. I'm so sad. I cried. It's been a hard day. It'd be heard to find a better place to take her, but still. She's my baby, and I feel like I failed her. I sent her away to a new place and I completely shattered all trust she had in me. I've failed her. I love her to death and yet I left her. I feel horrible. How can you do something like that to someone you care about? I mean, if I had found her on the street and brought her, I could understand it because then you are doing her a favor and giving her a better life and a better chance for survival that way. But she had a home, was well cared for and well loved. And I abandoned her.

I took her to the Animal Humane Association in Albuquerque (check out their website at It is probably one of the best places I could have taken her. They spay and neuter, give immunizations, and work on behavioral training with the animals. Just in Albuquerque they have their main facility and two adoption cites around town. Also, they have a 92% adoption rate. They have over 60 employees taking care of the animals and making sure that all of them get the care they need, as well as countless volunteers to help out. Their facilities are clean, the staff is helpful, and they ensure that any pet they adopt out is sent to a good home. I would say it's a really good place to take her.

Petra is a really sweet cat. She is very connected to her owner and loves deeply. Her only flaw is that she is extremely possessive of her owner and is highly jealous of anything that may appear as a "threat" to her owner's love and devotion towards her. She's about a year old and very cute. I'm sure they're going to find her a home and hopefully she'll be loved. She really is a good cat. She's going to be okay. So why do I feel so horrible?

I miss her. I want her in my arms, sleeping on my lap, climbing on my shoulder. I hate this. I feel horrible. I want to take her home and let her know she's still loved. I hate myself. How can I do such a thing to my baby? I know it was necessary, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I hate myself for this. She's going to be okay, but I feel as if I've failed her. I just want my cat back.

Saturday, July 10, 2010


You know, I keep coming back to this, how I don't seem to blog much because my life is crazy but I'll do more. Well, to be honest, I think my life will always be crazy. And maybe that's okay. I guess it's okay that my life is insane and so I don't think to blog all of the time. Oi. Oh well.

My cats are insane. Chris's cats, who previously lived with his mom, now live with us because she moved to a new place where she can't have pets. So, our oldest cat is Spaz, who is the mother of Derp, our next oldest. Below that is Petra. I'm pretty sure I've talked about her in this somewhere. And our newest edition, more likely than not only about six or seven weeks old is Isis. Yeah, I know, I'm turning into a crazy cat lady. Luckily, only half of these cats are mine. The other half belong to my boyfriend.

Living together is going amazingly. We've lived here for about two months, and I really like it. We still haven't finished unpacking everything, mainly because both of us like to just unwind and not worry about it. Oi. Silly geese we be! We recently had our six month, so that was fun. My dad visited me this past week and I was stoked!!! Eek! The only annoying thing is that we both are fairly messy people but I'm also mildly OCD so I like everything clean. If only my ADD didn't kick in and make it super difficult to focus on cleaning...

Life is good, just working on a lot of school and such. Speaking of which, I'm pretty sure I have an assignment due tonight, so maybe I should stop blogging and do that... Hmm.

Alright, I guess I'll go, but hopefully I will blog more recently than another two months. I hope.


Monday, May 3, 2010


The past week has been crazy, primarily because I'm moving. Chris and I are moving in together, and I'm stoked. Yes, that means I'm staying out here for the summer and not going back to Albuquerque, but I'm okay with that. I'm looking forward to the direction my life is traveling in. We have three cats in our place, Spaz, Derp, and Petra. They're adorable, but Petra hates them. Oi. Still, she's slowly getting over it.

This week is dead week, meaning that we are doing absolutely nothing other than killing ourselves with our last week of classes. It also means that finals are next week. Still, as much as finals suck, it means that you've reached the end of the semester. It means that anything that's been kicking your ass or killing you or is just something that you need a break from is finally at an end and you can go on. It's like a mental restart button. It puts you back together so that you don't lose your sanity. And I'm going to need it. This summer I'm taking 14 hours. This fall I'm taking 22. And the spring? Hell if I know. The goal is to graduate in May. So one year from now I'm going to be graduating. Holy shit. It seems like I just started going to school here and yet I'm about to leave. It makes me sad. But at the same time, I'm ready for my life already. I'm tired of being a kid with adult privileges. I need to move on. I want to live my life. I'm ready to be an adult. Screw all this "Let's party, study, whatever the hell it is we do here" attitude and move on. So I'm going to try to graduate in May. If I can't, I'm here until December.

My plan for after I graduate is to go to Law School. Random, I know. But I want to do it. All of the stereotypical law school/lawyer ideas don't appeal to me, but I've taken about 5 law classes and loved all of them. I figure that law classes are much closer to what it is that law is all about and how it is in reality, and so I figure that that is probably the most accurate description I have is the classes I've taken. I want to go to UNM; I just hope I get in. That's why I'm trying to graduate in May, though. Law schools don't have Fall/Spring start sessions. You have to start in the fall. So if I finish in December I will have eight months to go before the school year would start. I'm not sure what I'd do with my life. Oi. It's a scary thought. And if this doesn't work out, well, I don't know what I'm going to do.

Anyway, just a little update on life. I'm crazy tired and ready to be done with everything. I need the two or three weeks off that I have before summer classes start. I need something to do that isn't stressful, exhausting, or trying to kill me. So I just need to find a job for the summer and then worry about passing my classes. *sigh* I just want the semester to be over.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Law School

When I was a little kid, my dad told me that I would make a great lawyer. He wasn't saying that I had to be one or that it would be the best thing for me to do or that he wouldn't love me if I wasn't. He didn't spend my life training me to go. He didn't pound it into my head that it was completely essential for me to go to law school and that that was to be my direction in life. No, all he said was that I would probably enjoy it and that I'd be good at it. When I was a little kid I took it as a compliment because he thought I was smart enough to be a lawyer. As I got older, though, he just kind of left it as I went on to pursue my own ideas.

Last year, I was taking a criminal justice class where my teacher prompted discussions and thought about criminal cases. I didn't talk much, but it always made me think of what my position would be and for the first time challenged me to defend it. I loved it. So my dad said again what I had heard so long ago, "Have you thought about being a lawyer? It's very similar to what you're experiencing, and you would be really good at it." I thought about it, but I was still stuck on the idea that I wanted to do forensic work, be a criminal profiler, all of that fun jazz. Plus, I was thinking about lawyers with the stereotype that Hollywood projects. So, while it spiked my interest a bit, I put it in a back corner of my mind.

This semester, my science classes for my degree have been kicking my ass. I've gotten so frustrated with it that I've been tempted to just give up on science and major in something else. So I added a second major, Psychology. Contradictory, yes, but in the pathway of becoming a profiler, it makes sense. While I wanted to drop Forensic Biology, though, I realized just how close I was to graduating with that degree, and it seemed like a waste of time and energy to not follow through. I only have a year left. One year, and I will be done with Forensic Biology. And I learned that I could finish Psychology as well. This means that this time a year from now, I will be 20 years old and about to finish college with two undergraduate degrees. Intense, I know.

I was talking to my dad about finishing school next May and he brought up grad school. He asked if I thought about it and what I wanted to do once I graduated. I told him I really didn't know. It's true. The thought of graduating is amazing. The sense of accomplishment I'd have is absurd. To me, graduating like that would make up (in my mind) for all of my academic failures in the past. It would be the statement that says, "Look at me! I'm smart! I can do whatever I want to do and nothing will hold me back!" So while I'm stoked to graduate, I'm also horrified, because what am I supposed to do after I graduate? I'd have a degree in Forensic Bio and another in Psychology. What the hell do I do with that? I don't want to work in a lab. Being a psychologist isn't bad, but honestly, the likelihood have having guaranteed work in this economy is low. So no. I don't know. So my dad brings up grad school and I'm thinking, "Well crap, I could go but I don't know what I'd study and how would I pay for it and there's a myriad of problems and questions and issues to think about before I could possibly go." His suggestion: What about law school?

First off, until this point I didn't even know that law school was a graduate program. I'm not even sure that I connected it into the realm of normal academic schooling because you go to specific "law schools" and you study law. It's a category of its own. At least that's what I thought. Now I know that in order to get your doctorate of jurisprudence (J.D.) you have to go through a law program at an accredited school and it falls into the category of a Graduate School Program. Who knew? Not me.

Second though, maybe that's a good idea. It would give me something to study. I'd have a direction to go. Wandering aimlessly in life without direction or purpose is horrifying to me. Now I'd have a direction. And UNM is one of the best law schools in the country. Lawyers will always have a job, and there is financial security. I can live a comfortable lifestyle. But would I enjoy it?

I remembered what I felt last year, and so I decided, "Why don't I look into this? It wouldn't hurt to look." So I did. I looked at UNM first because it's in my hometown of Albuquerque, started to read about their program, and look at various aspects about what law school entailed. It was one of the most interesting things I've ever looked at! So I decided maybe it's worth a shot. I looked at various requirements to get in, and started to think, "You know, I could probably do this." I kept hearing about the LSAT (Law School Admissions Test), and so I looked into what that was. I read about it and while they kept saying it was super difficult, it just didn't sound that hard to me. I figured a better test of that would be to look at practice questions to use as a better judge. Of all the questions I took (granted, it wasn't that many), I got about 90% of them right. I wasn't actually trying. So now I'm thinking that with some preparation, I could actually do this.

The classes sound crazy interesting. Stereotype law sounds horrendous, but I think about all my experience with law (about 4 college classes worth) and I realize that I loved all of it. So which is a better indication of what I'd think about it, a stereotype from a place that always fucks up everything and doesn't get anything right, or classes that focus on it and are way closer to the actuality of it than television could ever get? It was at this point that I decided to go to law school.

So this is my plan now. While graduating next May was only a possibility, I intend on making it a reality. Law schools only start in the fall semesters, so if I graduated in December I'd have to kill eight months before I could start school. I need at least decent grades, so I'm determined to do well academically as best I can this semester and for certain for my last three. I am going to spend this summer studying my ass off for the LSAT, and I am going to take it in October. By February of next year I will have my application completed for UNM. And I am going to get in.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Bridesmaid Tales

You know, I am not the most knowledgeable individual when it comes to weddings and bridesmaids and duties and such. I haven't been to many weddings, and in the ones I have gone to I have never had more of a duty than to just go and support the bride and groom. Well, one of my best friends is getting married in January and I am a bridesmaid. I'm stoked, don't get me wrong, but let's just say that until she asked I didn't even know that bridesmaids did anything other than look pretty on the wedding day and be at all wedding-related functions. Who knew that they help plan bridal showers (which I never knew existed), plan the bachelorette party, and help the bride with everything? Not me, that's for sure. And she told me that the MOH (Maid of Honor) isn't planning any bridal showers and she needs about three. So I was kind of thinking of helping her out and planning them myself, but I have no idea how to do it, where to get started or anything like that. I've read that you can enlist the help of the other bridesmaids as well, which I might do. Only two of them are here with me, though. The MOH is back in Lish's hometown, one is in Cruces, and the other one is in Raton. Oi. Anyway, I want to do a good job and make up for last semester being a crappy friend. I guess I'll figure this out one way or another.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010


It feels like I just got here and already I'm thinking about graduating and leaving here. I was looking at my schedule and it looks like I could graduate with at least one degree by May of 2011. And it turns out, I'm actually scheduled to graduate then. Who knew? So officially, I'm even supposed to graduate then. The odd thing is that it might actually happen. So then I have one other degree, Psychology, left to get. And even that should only take about another semester from there. It's so weird. I've only been here for two years, and I might graduate in one more year. If I did with both degrees, I'd be done with college at 20 with two degrees. Fuck! I don't know what I'd do. Hell, I don't even know if I'm ready for the real world yet. I'm going to start renting a house over the summer and next school year, and I hope to pay for it with a job rather than anything else. My college fund can just be used on schooling at that point rather than living expenses. This is my goal. So, I don't know. Maybe I'll add in a third degree so that I can graduate with all three in May 2012. How ridiculous would that be to be a 21 year old with three degrees? It's insane, and yet entirely possible. Oi. I don't know. It's scary to think that soon I'll have to live and work and pay rent and buy food and be another grown up working, living, starting a family, and going through life just seeing what there is left in my adventure that feels like it's hardly begun. I don't know if I'm ready for it. But I have a year to prepare.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Microsoft is Retarded

Okay, so many of us already know this. Microsoft is a bunch of stupid imbeciles trying to write software while taking as much money from you as possible. So what triggers this blog about Microsoft's stupidity? Well, I have this new laptop, right? I've been trying to change the background on it for weeks now all the while failing. Today I found out why. I have Windows Seven Starter. Starter. (I hope you can hear the sarcasm in my voice.) This means that I am not allowed to change my background. If I want to change it, I have to upgrade my version of Windows to a full version of 7. Stupid Microsoft.

So I think this is a ploy by the vile creeps at Microsoft to steal my money. And other people's money. Why? Because they probably figured out that people would get pissed off because they are stuck with the shitty initial background that they give you. Okay, it isn't that bad, but still. It's got Microsoft written all over it (almost literally). But I want my own background dammit!! And I can't unless I pay Microsoft some unknown fee to get an upgrade. I'd rather erase my hard drive and put Linux on here. Linux is free and open source and I sure as hell don't have to pay for shit on it. To change a background? Really? It's Microsoft's plan to take people's money because why would anyone want to upgrade to the latest piece of crap that takes up an obscene amount of hard drive space, costs hundreds of dollars, and doesn't even work as well as the version you had (not saying that that version was great, either, but still...)? You wouldn't. But some people will get pissed off enough at the idea of not being able to change their background that they'd pay the money to do it. Yeah, Microsoft sucks.

So this is me is rebellion against Microsoft. I refuse to give in you sleazy scum!!! Muahahahahahaha! I am fighting for my technological freedom. And I will quit Microsoft if necessary. It's just a background. It's not worth the money. I think everyone needs to boycott Microsoft. I mean, honestly, they won't let us change our backgrounds without paying more money to them? Lying, cheating, stealing scumbags. Why not take my first and second born as well? Because that's the point they're getting to. Screw you, Microsoft, and your stupid upgrades, too!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


Pretty sure they are really weird. Yup. But aside from odd visits of the day, I'm watching Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs. It's effing amazing! Hahahahaha! Yay! It follows college guy humor but I still love it. ^.^ Go watch! Hahahahahaha! Good times :)

Saturday, March 20, 2010


Well, Albuquerque home at least. I'm back a day later than originally intended because of too much snow and road closures. In New Mexico. Weird, I know. The weird thing about being in my room is how much it doesn't feel like my room anymore. Most things here aren't the same as they were when I lived here. I've taken all the posters from here. While there are a few things left on the walls they are mostly bare. Most of my furniture is still here, but not all of it. I look around the room and remember how it used to be my sanctuary. It was the one place I could truly escape. It was the one place I could truly call my own, where nothing could hurt me. I look around and I know now that it is just a place. Old memories linger in the air. I've had this room for eight years now. That is eight years of memories hanging. So much has happened in those eight years. I moved in during the spring break of my sixth grade year. Now I'm in my second year away at college. So much happened. So much changed. So much of me changed. I'm not the same little eleven year old girl I was who first looked into this room with wonder as I got to experience moving for the first time. Yeah, I'd moved before, but this was the first time I'd gotten to pack boxes, change locations, unpack, design the setup of my own room, and decide what I wanted. I've watched this room grow and change as I have. It went from a minty green to a sapphire blue when all I wanted was for my walls to be black. It went from happy and innocent to troubled and angsty teen. It went through suicidal me, happy me. It saw me at my best, it's seen me at my worst. And yet, all it is is a room. It has no feelings, no emotions. It can't understand what it means to me, and now, after being at school, that's all I can see it as. It's just a room, a room that used to be my sanctuary. But it's no longer mine. My stuff resides here, but they are just material objects that have little connection to me and my current life. And I realize that I have no place now that serves the same function as this room did. I have nothing in my life now that provides the same comfort. The closest I have is Chris, and yet relationships are always shaky in my mind for none of mine seem to last. I've been told I'm loved and that they will never leave by too many people, and all have broken me and left. It's hard to trust a person, give them everything after so many have taken it all then thrown it in your face after cracking it a bit more. It's hard to believe when they say they will never leave. Buildings are strong. They rarely fail. They don't give up. But it is just a building. A building can't love you back, and that's why I care so much more for a person than I will ever care for a room that held me, a cold and lonely child lost in the dark of this world. Now I stand with another's hand in mine and we walk through the dark with our heads held high knowing that wherever we go, we go together. Yeah I'm "home" in the comfort of an old companion, but it's a companion that has aged beyond its ability to love me back. My true companion, my true support, is found in another person, and it is through his support that I travel now.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Hours at Work

I swear to god, work is trying to kill me. It isn't the job itself, it's just the hours. I mean, honestly, who the fuck wants to work right now? It's so early in the morning, and I'm tired all the time because of it. My job is easy. I sit on my ass at the desk and basically do whatever. Like blog and listen to music. But honestly, I don't get to sleep more than four hours or so at a time anymore and it's starting to kill me. I can just feel myself falling closer and closer to the edge and while I don't want to quit what am I to do? I'm failing classes (not all but still), I have no energy ever, I'm eating horribly, and I'm pretty sure I've basically been sick for a month and haven't gotten better because I don't sleep like normal people. I slept for 14 hours on Saturday because I knew it was going to be the only time I got to really sleep for days. So what does that say about me? I know I'm slowly killing my body. There's only so long you can push it at 110% before it just gives out and never is the same again. Sometimes I wonder what happened to the really interesting, respectable person I was in high school. I wasn't concerned about sleeping all the time, I ate alright, I worked out, I was interesting, people took me seriously, and people respected me. Now, it's almost the complete opposite. I guess I'm still interesting but I think it's for the wrong reasons. And what if it is all because I'm so overworked and overstretched and exhausted all because of this job? I know I need the money, but it's only two months until school is over and I can get a job for the summer. Maybe quitting is better. But to quit feels like I gave up. And I should be able to do anything, right? It's only two months, maybe I can hang on just a little longer...

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Life Is Killing Me

Honestly, it is. Like today, for instance. Alright, on Saturday I didn't really have anything that I needed to do. I didn't have work, I didn't have any immediate homework that needed to get done, I just needed to be at the Zeta house for chapter retreat at 6:30. So I slept until 3. Yes, 3 pm. Why? Because I never get enough sleep. So after 14 hours of sleep I was feeling pretty good. Well, I get to retreat and we aren't really done with what we're doing until 11. Then I had work at 4 but daylight savings time has started today. So I lost an hour of sleep. I get off of work at 8 but I have to be back at the house for more retreat stuff immediately afterwords. We're going until about noon, but I need to stay after for the new member meeting so that I can talk about my EC position. Yeah, I get to go home after, but I have work from 3-5, and a meeting at 5 and at 8. I'll be done around 10 tonight. That's when I get to go to sleep. And it's not like I really slept well last night because I was cold and basically sleeping on a cement floor. Uhg. What makes it worse? I don't really get to sleep tonight, either, because I have work from 3-6. AM. F. M. L. Yeah, I get to sleep after work, but not by much because I have class at 8. Then I do get to sleep for four hours (yay!) but then it's class at 2, meetings from 4:30 until 7:30, then study hours from 8 - 11. Then I'm allowed to sleep. I think my life is trying to kill me. It probably doesn't help that I picked up a second 8 week class to be used as a buffer in case I fail a class because I'm struggling academically. My councilor tells me I'm like the Energizer Bunny because I just keep going and going and she doesn't know how I do it. I don't know how either. I'm starting to get to the point where everything is just a haze and I don't really know or care about anything because I feel so dead. I just don't care. I don't want to do anything anymore. I just want to lie still and stare. Or sleep. Or die because it would be easier than the shit I've been trying to do. My life is killing me.

Friday, March 12, 2010


But, I started another blog, mainly because I had a random urge. I have this new computer with a webcam attached and so I think it's really fun to record myself, but I figure why not do it with a purpose? So I started a video blog to follow my life. It kind of goes hand in hand with this one. So you can find it by looking at my profile and finding the list of blogs I do or you can just go to and find it there. Anyway, just thought I'd tell you. I'm new at this so my apologies if it ends disastrously.


I'm so tired, all the time. I just want to be awake, to feel fully functional. Being this exhausted all the time is killing me. And when all I want to do is sleep, I can't get the things done that I need to. I hate it. I just wish that I could do this. But I'm so stressed out all the time, trying to get going and I can't. School is kicking my ass and I'm trying to keep up with it and study but at this point it doesn't even seem to matter how hard I try it still isn't good enough. Maybe if I wasn't so tired and busy all the time. But even then, I don't know. I just wish life could be easy. But then again, if it was, it'd be a slut. Thus it chooses to be a bitch instead. Uhg. FML.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

New Computer/Cat Escape

I just got a netbook computer this past weekend while I was in Albuquerque, and let me tell you, I am stoked!! Eek! Yay! And I'm kind of wondering how it is that I've been getting by without one. Hmm. Odd. Anyhowzers, life is crazy. Something I noticed, I'm tired all the time. This is probably due to the fact that I work stupid hours and I'm never getting enough sleep because I'm always busy. Way too busy. Ask my friends, they never get to see me because I'm too busy doing too much other shit. Uhg. So I look tired all the time. Oi. If you haven't seen me since December or earlier, you will be surprised to see that I cam exhausted looking on a rather regular basis. Bleh.

So Petra got out on Sunday night. Chris and I got to his house that night and she must have run outside as we were coming in because we couldn't find her. Granted, we didn't notice until the next morning, and we were freaking out. We were looking for her all day and asking everyone we knew if they had seen her but to no avail. Luckily, that night while I was working on homework, she started meowing outside the window so I was able to go call her from the door and she came running in. I was so happy! I was scared she was laying dead on the side of the road or something because she's never been outside before and Chris lives next to Highway 70. Way too many truckers drive there and I'd be sad if she died. The only thing is that she was in heat recently, so I'm hoping she didn't get knocked up last night...

Monday, March 1, 2010


Such is life when you work crappy hours because no one else wanted them because they're early in the morning and you needed a job bad enough that you were willing to work at 3 am. Still, the moneys is good. Okay, minimum wage isn't fantastic, but it's a pretty good amount of money for what this job entails and when you have no bills to pay it definitely is a plus. So most of the money goes into savings, and the rest of it gets spent on random stuff that may not be necessary but is nice to have. Example A: bough yarn and crochet needles yesterday. No, I don't need it, but crocheting is relaxing and fun. And it wasn't too expensive, either.

Life is going alright. School is proving difficult, but I guess if you're working towards a college degree it should at least be a little challenging, right? So hopefully things work out. This week is midterms week for all lab classes, and next week is midterms for everything else. Woo. I think I should be alright, I just really need to study and do a lot of work for it. I want to pass everything and do well this semester.

Chris is amazing. I know, if you look at posts from a year ago, they probably say the same thing. Just remember, a different Chris. The current one will always be referred to as Chris, the other one is Stahelin. Don't confuse them. Stahelin has turned into a stupid dick, so whatever. We don't really talk anymore. Chris is fucking amazing. He makes everything better. Yesterday he cooked me breakfast. Mmm. It was amazing ^.^ And he treats me amazingly. It's odd being with him because it's probably my most mature relationship. All others have been highly concentrated in one area or another, but never been balanced. I'm stunned at how balanced it is now. He means so much to me, it means more than anything that I have him in my life to help me and care about me and be there to cheer me up.

I've been living in Portales for two months now without going home. It's weird. And I'm having withdrawals from my sister. Lol. Who would have thought, right? Funny thoughts. Still, I get to go home this weekend because it is Zeta Day on Saturday. Zeta Day is basically a day where all the alumnae chapters and collegiate chapters of ZTA in New Mexico get together, give awards, honor members, and overall just share experiences and Zeta with one another. It's super cool, and it's in Albuquerque this year so I'm super stoked! Yay! Although friend time will probably be minimal (I'm sorry guys) but Spring Break is in a few weeks so I will get to see you guys then =]

Anyhowzers, I'm at work right now (I know, it's approaching 5 am and I've been here since 3. I still have another hour) and rather tired, but it's naptime for a couple hours afterwards and then class at 8. Yay! But not really. Genetics is not a good subject to take at 8am when you work in the morning before then. Minimal sleep + early mornings + genetics = not a good idea. Still, I get to sleep after class. Yay sleep! I have a sleep addiction. I love sleeping all the time. Oi. Maybe it's gotten worse since I've been getting such irregular sleep all the time. Maybe that's also why I haven't really gotten over this stupid sick thing. Oh well.

So I am off, but remember, oodles of poodles is better than pogs of hogs. Lol =]

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Magical Lubbock Adventure

Woot! I ran away to Lubbock, TX yesterday (uhg Texas sucks, I know, I'm painfully aware of that) and I had a blast with my ZTA little sister, Alex, and my adopted ZTA big sister, Petra. It was loads of fun! What I'm super jealous about, though, is how many Greeks Texas Tech has. Our campus has 5 established, one colonizing. Of those six, four are for guys. So that leaves two for girls. At Tech, it is ridiculous how many they have! I'm so jealous! Going to bigger schools makes me want to see what it's like to be Greek there rather than here. ENMU is one of the most anti-Greek schools you can have while still maintaining Greek life. Last year the administration tried to get all Greeks off campus because they blamed us for a high freshman dropout rate. Newsflash, it's because of Greeks that many freshman stay in college. I know a few of my sisters would have left a while ago if it wasn't for us. Also, we had to say what our classification was, what our G.P.A. was at, and what organizations we were in that aren't Greek. Let me just say that Greeks on our campus have higher G.P.A.s, fill in all years of schooling (yeah, there are even grad-students on campus who are Greek), and make up the majority of students involved on anything in campus. So, I think that's a score for Greeks. Anyway, sorry for ranting. My point is, we need more Greeks on campus. I think that it would greatly help the entire system here. We have two women's fraternities on campus. Two. It makes it a constant fight against the two of them, fighting for members, pushing against one another; I just think that it would help immensely if we had more women's fraternities on campus. Not only would it provide more options for girls here on campus to choose from, it would also help lessen the competition between the two already here. When there are more groups to choose from, more people belong to different groups, and Greek life thrives. Because the pressure isn't so high to get numbers, the groups would get along better. It wouldn't just be a show between which group is better. I honestly believe that our school would be better off if we added at least one more women's fraternity. I know that they've existed,so why not bring them back? I know that Alpha Chi Omega was once here. So ask them to recolonize. Or bring in Delta Delta Delta or Kappa Kappa Gamma or Kappa Alpha Theta or Alpha Phi. There are so many out there, so let's do it. It makes me happy to see strong Greek communities, and it sucks that ours isn't. I know it's getting better, it really is, but it could be so much more.

Anyway, off of the Greek rant. So Alex, Petra, and I went to Lubbock yesterday to pick up Alex's boyfriend who was flying in from Memphis. We went wandering around Lubbock for a few hours, ate food, and basically just hung out. At one point Alex and I ended up walking around Texas Tech just to see what it was like. We checked out one of their dorms and holy crap that thing is nice! I'm so envious!! If we had dorms like that I might be more willing to stay on campus. Still, I learned that Tech is a really pretty school, and I can see why a lot of people go there. Maybe I just missed out on that whole "college visit" thing because I never did that. I never went to other schools and looked around. So maybe I'm making up for it. We tried to talk to some members of the Zeta chapter over there but it failed (no one was home) so we had to move on, but it was still way fun. We also ran by Best Buy and got Petra a new laptop. And, while I was there, I found out that there is a very good potential that I might be getting one next weekend. Eek!!! Another bonus, I have enough money as of Friday to buy my bride's maid dress next weekend, so I am pretty stoked. Oh! I get to go home this weekend!! Yay!! This is the first time in two months that I get to leave here and go home! Holy crap!! I'm so excited!! Eek! I miss my sister so bad I want to jump her and tackle her and drive her insane because I miss her like crazy!

Alright, I should probably bring this nonsense to a close, because all it is is me going on and on with no sense of purpose and no direction. Oi. So anyway, long story short, I had a blast in Lubbock yesterday. And I am a proud member of the Greek family. Woot!

Thursday, February 25, 2010


Just realized, I've been feeling sick for two weeks. What the hell?! I don't know what it is. I don't feel nauseous, weak, and shaky anymore, but my head hurts, my stomach hurts, my chest hurts, I'm coughing, and my sinuses feel like they're exploding. And when I walk outside it smells/feels like my nose is bleeding. At least a little bit. Uhg. Honestly I just want to get better but at this rate it doesn't even look like that's going to happen. Seriously, I took medication for 10 days to get over the sinus infection and yet I still feel sickly. I guess I need to go back to Health Services and see if maybe they can fix me although they haven't been doing much recently so... who knows? Anyway, it's probably in my best interest to stop blogging and go to class. Peace.


So I've had this sinus infection for I'm not even sure how long anymore all I know is that I still feel like crap. And there's so much going on in my life right now I don't even know where to begin. I don't know, I guess all I can say is that I'm tired, I'm trying, and I still don't know if I can make it. Oddly, my optimism keeps me trying so I keep going hoping that it'll get better but who knows. My life has the potential to get incredibly more difficult in the next few months. I pray to whatever god may exist that it doesn't. I'm just tired. All the time. All I want to do is sleep. Just let me sleep, give me time to reboot my system. I work a lot but not too much. 30 hours in two weeks really isn't bad, although I am a full-time student with a boyfriend, scholastic chair for Zeta and the Vice President for Panhellenic and I'm in Spanish Club and potentially rejoining A.S.A.B. Fuck. I think I am crazy. And I applied for a second job yesterday!!! I don't know what's gotten into me. I just want to stop, let go, freeze everything so that I can take time to make it better. I want to visit my sister. I haven't seen her in two months. Hell, I haven't been back to Albuquerque in two months. That means two months that I've spent here in this Podunk town doing hell if I know what trying to keep going. Two weeks and I get to go home, but even then, it's only because there is Zeta stuff going on in Albuquerque that I have to go to. I get to go to Lubbock on Saturday and while it is a trip it's not the same. I wish I had a car so that I could drive home and take it easy where I could make my mind completely and totally numb so that i can stop thinking, stop being, stop existing just for those four short hours. I just wish I had a moment to make it all stop.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Sleepy Sick

I think I'm still sick. I think. So that would probably explain why I'm super tired. That and I got about 6 hours of sleep last night, although, in the greater scheme of recently, that's really good. Except that I'm sick and need to sleep more. Oi.

Life is crazy, but I think I've come to the conclusion that of course it is, and it always will be. I worked 14 hours this weekend and I've decided that it is a very good thing that I'm not going back to work till tomorrow. I get paid on Friday and so I am stoked. I'm pretty sure that I am going to need to buy a bride's maid's dress for Lish's wedding first with the money I'm saving, but I'm also going to go and buy a tattoo for myself (finally!) and a laptop. I want a car but honestly $200 a week won't get me there anytime soon. So I'll buy a cheap laptop that's little and I can take with me. Sounds good to me.

Anyway, I need food before I go to class. I just felt like throwing random info up. Maybe I'll post again later today. Or maybe not. I don't know yet. Peace.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

My Bad

I know, it's been a while since I've updated. I've just been super busy and lacking internet access. Anyway, right now I'm procrastinating studying for this test I have in the morning because I'm feeling super sick. It's just weird though. I don't know what's up; I feel weak, tired, shaky, nauseous, dizzy, faint, and I have a head ache. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe it's just the combination of a lack of sleep, lack of food, and lack of liquids. If I got all of those then maybe I'd be fine. Or maybe I'm coming down with some weird or bizarre illness that will be a bitch to recover from or it will hospitalize me. Way to be dramatic. I'm sure it's the former.

Life is ridiculous. So where to start?

1. I have a job. I know, crazy, right?! I get paid minimum wage ($7.50 an hour)and I can work up to 30 hours a pay period. Not too bad. Although my scheduled hours are pretty much all at ungodly hour o'clock in the morning. Like 3:00 a.m. ungodly. Oi. It's trying to kill me. So where do I work at such weird times of the day? The front desk in one of the residence halls on campus. Not too bad. I like my job. I get paid to sit and do homework and if anyone needs to use something from the back I get it for them, make sure it's checked out properly, and that it gets returned in the same condition it left in. But at 3am, who's awake? So I watch movies on my iPod, draw, listen to music, do yoga, read, do homework, write, whatever. Just no sleeping.

2. I'm taking 15 hours of classes this semester. I'm hoping that I get better grades this semester because:
a)I have fewer hours than normal
b)I'm working at least 10 hours a week so that's 10 hours of potential studying I can be doing.
c)I'm scholarship chair for ZTA, and part of that I've set study hours at the house. So that's another 10 hours a week I can spend studying.
My classes aren't too bad, just a lot of work. I'm trying my best to stay on top of it though.

3. My life is a soap opera. No joke, if I were to film it it could be Youtube worthy. Any dramatic star in any telenovela would be proud of the drama I've managed to accumulate. Between friends, school, boys, Zeta, and everything else, it's ridiculous. Luckily I have Chris, because he is amazing and rocks my world. He makes everything better. And he still sticks with me even through all the crazy shit. Without him I'm not sure how well I'd be able to work through this semester. He's what's keeping me going, being the influence that let's me know that I can do it.

4. I am now officially double majoring in both Forensic Biology and Psychology. I'm pretty stoked, and I should still be able to get out of here around the same time I originally would have, anyway. Woot =]

Anyway, that's all I've really got right now. I'm thinking of piercing my ear again and getting a tattoo, I'm just working on getting the funding. I'm pretty sure I'll have it after my next paycheck, though. And more on that in another blog posting. So, until next time =]



Tuesday, January 12, 2010


You know, there is some reason for why it is that I don't have pets right now aside from the minor detail that the house I live in won't allow them. It's because they're so much work! Don't get me wrong, I love them to death, but I'm way too self absorbed to be able to properly care for another creature other than myself. Although I guess that's why I don't want a kid either, because it would be having to worry about something more than myself and right now it's hard enough to take care of me. So I want to get my shit together first.

Alright, so it's kind of a random subject, but I'm taking care of my boyfriend's mom's new puppy and it's a crazy little thing! Doesn't help that my boyfriend has a jealous kitten who doesn't like the attention the puppy gets. Anyway, both are adorable, but it's still a good reminder of why I don't have pets. The cat isn't so bad, but the dog is an attention whore. But then again, aren't all dogs? So I plan to get a cat to keep me company on those lonely nights when I have no one but the cat and myself for company. And they are awesome. Crazy, yes, but I still love them. It's just that dogs need so much more love then I can give them. Thus, no dogs for me. At least, not for a while. And same with kids. No babies until my life is under control.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Back in P Ville

I made it back last week on Friday night and I've been hanging out with people since then. It's good times; I like being back. I've gotten to hang out with a lot of people I haven't seen in a while. I've been cleaning, reading, writing, and just spending time with Chris and various other friends. I went to a wedding last Friday, taken to a nice dinner on Saturday, and have just been having a lot of good times. I'm glad =] Now I wait for school to start while working to make this semester better than the last.