Light and Dark

It's the two sides of one coin, the opposites that make everything possible. It's the good and the bad, the light and the dark, the heads and the tails. That's my life. Right now, looking to the future, there's good, and there's bad.

The Light:
I got accepted to an archaeology field school in Peru. AAAAHHHH!!!! I'm so excited!!! I get to spend six weeks in Peru running around learning how to excavate archeological ruins, collect various artifacts and remains I may find, and how to prepare and analyze them in a lab. Oh I'm so excited!!! AAAHHHH!!!!

Another good thing, I graduate in December!!! Oh man, I don't know how much more of this whole school thing I can take. I'm tired of killing myself and dealing with shitty people and being stressed out all the time and having so much to do all the time. I graduate and I'm done. Thank god.

The Dark:
Well, I want to go to graduate school in the fall of 2012, but I don't think I can get in. They want amazing people, and I just don't see myself fitting into that category. Who knows, maybe going to Peru will help. But still.

You know, my viewpoint of myself has been really shitty lately. I've been really mean to me!!! I just don't like myself. I feel like I'm nothing special, like I'm average, and all kinds of other really nasty stuff that I probably should put here. But I've been super mean to me lately. I don't know what's up.

Also, trying to figure out this whole wedding thing is stressful enough as it is. So we aren't getting married in July like planned but fuck now we have no date and nothing is getting done and it's stressing me out like crazy!! Ahh!! Seriously, I'm about ready to just grab the wedding party and family who wants to go, run away to Vegas, and just get married. Who needs to do something fancy, anyway? Uhg, I'm tired of this whole thing just sitting over my head.

Grad School?

Currently that's the issue I'm mulling over in my head. Do I want to go to grad school and get a master's in Forensics or do I want to go to law school. Luckily, there are a couple of schools where you can actually do both. Still, you have to be accepted into each program individually. Uhg. I've been looking at numerous grad schools, and after I get through those I'm probably going to start checking out law schools. Oi. If only I knew what to do with my life.

I'm finally done with recruitment and finally unsilenced. I can reassociate with Zeta, however it sucks because I work nights. This means that even though I can hang out with them and wear shirts and whatever else, I still can't really go to anything because I'm always working. FML. I guess that's what happens in the big kid world, you lose time to do fun things as you work your butt off to make ends meet. Sometimes I wish I wasn't growing up. Plus, no matter where I go for school in 2012, I'm going to be moving to a place I don't know (more likely than not) and being far from everyone and everything I know. Alright, the only schools in Forensics are basically on the coasts, and mostly in the northeast. If I moved there I'd be close to family I've never really known well, and if I moved to California I'd be really close to family I rarely see. If I go to Florida, well, there's no one there. Nore is there anyone in Michigan or Illinois. *Sigh* Life is hard.

The good thing is the stability and happiness that Chris gives me. Whenever I start to lose hope or get really down he's always there to pick me back up and remind me that I'm okay. No matter what I freak out about, from Zeta to being a hypochondriac (and all that comes with that) to school, to family, to life, he's always there to keep me sane. He loves me and supports me in all I do, and he's there for me. Always. I fucking love this guy.

Well, life is kicking my ass. I'm a student who's taking overtime in hours (full time max is 18, I'm doing 20), I'm working two jobs, I'm in many extracurricular activities, and I still manage to maintain a 3.3 GPA and a social life. I think I'm superwoman.

Working

Yeah, okay, it's something that just about every adult does. I'm working at McCarty's, a local restaurant that has a homey feel with good food relatively fast for not too high a price. I work as a waitress, cashier, bus girl, and whatever else needs to be done, like preparing or cooking food, changing the sign outside, taking out trash, prepping the food, like onions to be ready for quickly made onion rings, to running errands. It happens. I actually really like my job, it's just being on my feet for hours that kills me.

Currently, my mood is weird. I feel full of energy, ready to go and conquer the world. I want to do things, accomplish everything possible, and like I'm invincible. It's true. I feel like I can clean my house tonight, do all my homework, take care of the cats, cook a full dinner, and not even need sleep. And yet I'm feeling so down, like there's no point to anything. Like, what am I going to do with my life? What's the point of being in school? I can get by without all the education. Who needs a fancy life? Why try on anything? It doesn't matter what I do, I'll never make a difference. There's nothing special about me, nothing unique, nothing worthy of even using resources on. I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing, staring into space wishing I could stop existing and wondering why that hasn't happened yet. And yet I still feel like I can change the world.

I'm not sure what's up with that. I'm doing a lot with my life, so maybe I'm just stressed out by trying to make it all work. Maybe it's just my bipolar shit kicking in, and I just need to move on with my life because honestly, I'll get over it. By next week or even tomorrow I'll feel completely different. Or exactly the same. Or I shifted to one of the two moods. Hell if I know. All I know is that I'm doing my best to keep going. I feel like I'm accomplishing a lot and doing a lot with my life right now, but at the same time I feel like it's nothing at all. Who knows.

I feel like talking to people but I don't know what I would say. I want to be held and told I'm fine and I'll be okay and yet I just want to be alone. I want to be with someone, like being a lone is a horrible idea and yet that's all I even want. My own space. my own everything. But I don't at the same time. Fuck me, right?

Oh well. At this point, yeah I'm tired, but stuff also needs to get done. I want to do it but I don't at the same time. Who knows. And who knows how this even relates to work and how I started this blog. Bleh. I think I'm retarded.

Microsoft is Retarded

Okay, so many of us already know this. Microsoft is a bunch of stupid imbeciles trying to write software while taking as much money from you as possible. So what triggers this blog about Microsoft's stupidity? Well, I have this new laptop, right? I've been trying to change the background on it for weeks now all the while failing. Today I found out why. I have Windows Seven Starter. Starter. (I hope you can hear the sarcasm in my voice.) This means that I am not allowed to change my background. If I want to change it, I have to upgrade my version of Windows to a full version of 7. Stupid Microsoft.

So I think this is a ploy by the vile creeps at Microsoft to steal my money. And other people's money. Why? Because they probably figured out that people would get pissed off because they are stuck with the shitty initial background that they give you. Okay, it isn't that bad, but still. It's got Microsoft written all over it (almost literally). But I want my own background dammit!! And I can't unless I pay Microsoft some unknown fee to get an upgrade. I'd rather erase my hard drive and put Linux on here. Linux is free and open source and I sure as hell don't have to pay for shit on it. To change a background? Really? It's Microsoft's plan to take people's money because why would anyone want to upgrade to the latest piece of crap that takes up an obscene amount of hard drive space, costs hundreds of dollars, and doesn't even work as well as the version you had (not saying that that version was great, either, but still...)? You wouldn't. But some people will get pissed off enough at the idea of not being able to change their background that they'd pay the money to do it. Yeah, Microsoft sucks.

So this is me is rebellion against Microsoft. I refuse to give in you sleazy scum!!! Muahahahahahaha! I am fighting for my technological freedom. And I will quit Microsoft if necessary. It's just a background. It's not worth the money. I think everyone needs to boycott Microsoft. I mean, honestly, they won't let us change our backgrounds without paying more money to them? Lying, cheating, stealing scumbags. Why not take my first and second born as well? Because that's the point they're getting to. Screw you, Microsoft, and your stupid upgrades, too!