Little Sisters and Zeta

So,yesterday we unveiled who our new member's big sisters are. You know what mine did? Told me that she didn't want me because I'm never around and acted pissed off in subtler ways all the while hinting at who she really wanted as her big. FML. It doesn't help me that she said the exact words that have been bothering me for the last month: I'm never around. It's true. I can't do anything with my sisters. I'm always working. And so no matter what they're doing, I'm never there for it. I don't know our new members because I'm not there. Hell, yeah I got this little sister, but I don't even know her! So what am I to do?

I think what hurts the most is that I'm trying and people don't see that unless they're my closest friends in chapter. It makes me want to quit. Honestly, I feel like I'm only dragging my chapter down if I stay. I'm an officer, yes, but I'm debating on if I should relinquish that position. I don't know what to do. This fucking sucks.

Survival

That's what I'm working on right now. I think it'll be better after today when I've finished this damn test that's attempting to be the bane of my existence, but whatever. I'm praying I don't have work tomorrow. Then I'd have my weekend to get my life back together. It'd be like hitting a reset button in my head! Woo! If only...

My issue lately is that I'm WAY hormonal. I have no idea why, either. I've been taking my meds regularly, so who knows. I really need to see a shrink though. If I could talk to them then maybe they could get me correctly medicated for the depression side AND help with the stupid manic shit too. That would be awesome. All I want is to be stable. Why is that too much to ask for? Oi.

So, chilling at work. I found coffee, a coffee pot, filters, creamer, sugar, cups, and spoons. I'm stoked. I'm going to make coffee in a bit, for one because I'm freezing but primarily because I need to study for the test of doom I have today. I swear, it's evil. Multiple choice, fill in the blank, true/false where you have to correct false statements into true statements, and short answer. And all on vertebrate zoology. Fuck.

Mmm, the sound of coffee brewing makes me feel awesome. Yay ^.^ Found my happy place for the morning. Maybe today won't be so bad after all =]

Busy!!

You know, it's crazy what some people, like myself, choose to do with their lives. Especially me. I know it's all voluntary, but shit! I must be crazy! I'm taking 20 hours this semester (the vast majority of which are upper division), I have two jobs, I'm actively participating in Zeta, I'm planning a wedding, I'm an officer in Zeta, and officer in Panhellenic, the Executive Director of Student Senate, and I'm in belly dancing. Sometimes I think I'm intentionally trying to kill myself.

Currently, at Job B (a.k.a. front desk worker in a dorm) there is an alarm going off. It beeps for about two minutes, stops for 10-30 seconds, then starts again. I've been here for three and a half hours. I think I'm going to kill it. Normally I use my time at this job to study and get much needed homework done, but today that is utterly impossible. I have a hard enough time focusing when it's quiet. Add constant alarm status and loud volumes and it's damn near impossible. Uhg.

Anyway, I'm just a bit tired and wanting to go to bed. Stupid beeping thing. So I felt like rambling a bit. Besides, you're reading this, so clearly you don't mind my crazy too much ;)

Grad School?

Currently that's the issue I'm mulling over in my head. Do I want to go to grad school and get a master's in Forensics or do I want to go to law school. Luckily, there are a couple of schools where you can actually do both. Still, you have to be accepted into each program individually. Uhg. I've been looking at numerous grad schools, and after I get through those I'm probably going to start checking out law schools. Oi. If only I knew what to do with my life.

I'm finally done with recruitment and finally unsilenced. I can reassociate with Zeta, however it sucks because I work nights. This means that even though I can hang out with them and wear shirts and whatever else, I still can't really go to anything because I'm always working. FML. I guess that's what happens in the big kid world, you lose time to do fun things as you work your butt off to make ends meet. Sometimes I wish I wasn't growing up. Plus, no matter where I go for school in 2012, I'm going to be moving to a place I don't know (more likely than not) and being far from everyone and everything I know. Alright, the only schools in Forensics are basically on the coasts, and mostly in the northeast. If I moved there I'd be close to family I've never really known well, and if I moved to California I'd be really close to family I rarely see. If I go to Florida, well, there's no one there. Nore is there anyone in Michigan or Illinois. *Sigh* Life is hard.

The good thing is the stability and happiness that Chris gives me. Whenever I start to lose hope or get really down he's always there to pick me back up and remind me that I'm okay. No matter what I freak out about, from Zeta to being a hypochondriac (and all that comes with that) to school, to family, to life, he's always there to keep me sane. He loves me and supports me in all I do, and he's there for me. Always. I fucking love this guy.

Well, life is kicking my ass. I'm a student who's taking overtime in hours (full time max is 18, I'm doing 20), I'm working two jobs, I'm in many extracurricular activities, and I still manage to maintain a 3.3 GPA and a social life. I think I'm superwoman.

Working

Yeah, okay, it's something that just about every adult does. I'm working at McCarty's, a local restaurant that has a homey feel with good food relatively fast for not too high a price. I work as a waitress, cashier, bus girl, and whatever else needs to be done, like preparing or cooking food, changing the sign outside, taking out trash, prepping the food, like onions to be ready for quickly made onion rings, to running errands. It happens. I actually really like my job, it's just being on my feet for hours that kills me.

Currently, my mood is weird. I feel full of energy, ready to go and conquer the world. I want to do things, accomplish everything possible, and like I'm invincible. It's true. I feel like I can clean my house tonight, do all my homework, take care of the cats, cook a full dinner, and not even need sleep. And yet I'm feeling so down, like there's no point to anything. Like, what am I going to do with my life? What's the point of being in school? I can get by without all the education. Who needs a fancy life? Why try on anything? It doesn't matter what I do, I'll never make a difference. There's nothing special about me, nothing unique, nothing worthy of even using resources on. I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing, staring into space wishing I could stop existing and wondering why that hasn't happened yet. And yet I still feel like I can change the world.

I'm not sure what's up with that. I'm doing a lot with my life, so maybe I'm just stressed out by trying to make it all work. Maybe it's just my bipolar shit kicking in, and I just need to move on with my life because honestly, I'll get over it. By next week or even tomorrow I'll feel completely different. Or exactly the same. Or I shifted to one of the two moods. Hell if I know. All I know is that I'm doing my best to keep going. I feel like I'm accomplishing a lot and doing a lot with my life right now, but at the same time I feel like it's nothing at all. Who knows.

I feel like talking to people but I don't know what I would say. I want to be held and told I'm fine and I'll be okay and yet I just want to be alone. I want to be with someone, like being a lone is a horrible idea and yet that's all I even want. My own space. my own everything. But I don't at the same time. Fuck me, right?

Oh well. At this point, yeah I'm tired, but stuff also needs to get done. I want to do it but I don't at the same time. Who knows. And who knows how this even relates to work and how I started this blog. Bleh. I think I'm retarded.

School Year '10-'11

Oi. Yup, it's started. Huzzah!! I've figured out that I only have three semesters left until I graduate with a double major. Sweet! Also, haven't yet decided what it is I'm going to do after school. A part of me wants to be a lawyer, and yet part of me thinks that's a bad idea. I don't know. Luckily, after I graduate I'm taking a semester off so hopefully I can figure out at least a few more steps of what I'm going to do after school. Oi.

As of now I am planning recruitment for all Women's Greek Organizations on campus. Woo! Also, planning a wedding, working, and going to school full time. Jeez mon'! Luckily I have amazing friends, like Lish, who are there all along the way. And what would I do without Chris? He really is my rock. He's the resounding figure that's pushing me to get through school, to not give up when things get tough, and my shoulder to cry on when it feels like everything is falling apart. And that's part of why I'm marrying him.

I really need to clean my house, though. It's stressing me out because it's so dirty, and the cats are throwing a fit that we haven't cleaned the litter box in a while. Ew. I'm still debating on whether or not to clean after I post this. I've been feeling sick all day, but honestly, maybe it's in part due to the state of my house right now. Gah, if only I had a washer and drier. I was so close, too! Well, we'll see what happens. Maybe I'll wash a few dishes then go to sleep. I've done some homework today, so I'm feeling pretty decent. Worked tonight, did well, missed a class because I almost passed out and threw up everywhere, but overall I'm feeling okay at this point. Just tired. So maybe all I'll do is some dishes. And maybe the litter box. Or I'll have Chris do it when he gets home.

Moving

The past week has been crazy, primarily because I'm moving. Chris and I are moving in together, and I'm stoked. Yes, that means I'm staying out here for the summer and not going back to Albuquerque, but I'm okay with that. I'm looking forward to the direction my life is traveling in. We have three cats in our place, Spaz, Derp, and Petra. They're adorable, but Petra hates them. Oi. Still, she's slowly getting over it.

This week is dead week, meaning that we are doing absolutely nothing other than killing ourselves with our last week of classes. It also means that finals are next week. Still, as much as finals suck, it means that you've reached the end of the semester. It means that anything that's been kicking your ass or killing you or is just something that you need a break from is finally at an end and you can go on. It's like a mental restart button. It puts you back together so that you don't lose your sanity. And I'm going to need it. This summer I'm taking 14 hours. This fall I'm taking 22. And the spring? Hell if I know. The goal is to graduate in May. So one year from now I'm going to be graduating. Holy shit. It seems like I just started going to school here and yet I'm about to leave. It makes me sad. But at the same time, I'm ready for my life already. I'm tired of being a kid with adult privileges. I need to move on. I want to live my life. I'm ready to be an adult. Screw all this "Let's party, study, whatever the hell it is we do here" attitude and move on. So I'm going to try to graduate in May. If I can't, I'm here until December.

My plan for after I graduate is to go to Law School. Random, I know. But I want to do it. All of the stereotypical law school/lawyer ideas don't appeal to me, but I've taken about 5 law classes and loved all of them. I figure that law classes are much closer to what it is that law is all about and how it is in reality, and so I figure that that is probably the most accurate description I have is the classes I've taken. I want to go to UNM; I just hope I get in. That's why I'm trying to graduate in May, though. Law schools don't have Fall/Spring start sessions. You have to start in the fall. So if I finish in December I will have eight months to go before the school year would start. I'm not sure what I'd do with my life. Oi. It's a scary thought. And if this doesn't work out, well, I don't know what I'm going to do.

Anyway, just a little update on life. I'm crazy tired and ready to be done with everything. I need the two or three weeks off that I have before summer classes start. I need something to do that isn't stressful, exhausting, or trying to kill me. So I just need to find a job for the summer and then worry about passing my classes. *sigh* I just want the semester to be over.

Hours at Work

I swear to god, work is trying to kill me. It isn't the job itself, it's just the hours. I mean, honestly, who the fuck wants to work right now? It's so early in the morning, and I'm tired all the time because of it. My job is easy. I sit on my ass at the desk and basically do whatever. Like blog and listen to music. But honestly, I don't get to sleep more than four hours or so at a time anymore and it's starting to kill me. I can just feel myself falling closer and closer to the edge and while I don't want to quit what am I to do? I'm failing classes (not all but still), I have no energy ever, I'm eating horribly, and I'm pretty sure I've basically been sick for a month and haven't gotten better because I don't sleep like normal people. I slept for 14 hours on Saturday because I knew it was going to be the only time I got to really sleep for days. So what does that say about me? I know I'm slowly killing my body. There's only so long you can push it at 110% before it just gives out and never is the same again. Sometimes I wonder what happened to the really interesting, respectable person I was in high school. I wasn't concerned about sleeping all the time, I ate alright, I worked out, I was interesting, people took me seriously, and people respected me. Now, it's almost the complete opposite. I guess I'm still interesting but I think it's for the wrong reasons. And what if it is all because I'm so overworked and overstretched and exhausted all because of this job? I know I need the money, but it's only two months until school is over and I can get a job for the summer. Maybe quitting is better. But to quit feels like I gave up. And I should be able to do anything, right? It's only two months, maybe I can hang on just a little longer...

Life Is Killing Me

Honestly, it is. Like today, for instance. Alright, on Saturday I didn't really have anything that I needed to do. I didn't have work, I didn't have any immediate homework that needed to get done, I just needed to be at the Zeta house for chapter retreat at 6:30. So I slept until 3. Yes, 3 pm. Why? Because I never get enough sleep. So after 14 hours of sleep I was feeling pretty good. Well, I get to retreat and we aren't really done with what we're doing until 11. Then I had work at 4 but daylight savings time has started today. So I lost an hour of sleep. I get off of work at 8 but I have to be back at the house for more retreat stuff immediately afterwords. We're going until about noon, but I need to stay after for the new member meeting so that I can talk about my EC position. Yeah, I get to go home after, but I have work from 3-5, and a meeting at 5 and at 8. I'll be done around 10 tonight. That's when I get to go to sleep. And it's not like I really slept well last night because I was cold and basically sleeping on a cement floor. Uhg. What makes it worse? I don't really get to sleep tonight, either, because I have work from 3-6. AM. F. M. L. Yeah, I get to sleep after work, but not by much because I have class at 8. Then I do get to sleep for four hours (yay!) but then it's class at 2, meetings from 4:30 until 7:30, then study hours from 8 - 11. Then I'm allowed to sleep. I think my life is trying to kill me. It probably doesn't help that I picked up a second 8 week class to be used as a buffer in case I fail a class because I'm struggling academically. My councilor tells me I'm like the Energizer Bunny because I just keep going and going and she doesn't know how I do it. I don't know how either. I'm starting to get to the point where everything is just a haze and I don't really know or care about anything because I feel so dead. I just don't care. I don't want to do anything anymore. I just want to lie still and stare. Or sleep. Or die because it would be easier than the shit I've been trying to do. My life is killing me.