It's the two sides of one coin, the opposites that make everything possible. It's the good and the bad, the light and the dark, the heads and the tails. That's my life. Right now, looking to the future, there's good, and there's bad.
The Light:
I got accepted to an archaeology field school in Peru. AAAAHHHH!!!! I'm so excited!!! I get to spend six weeks in Peru running around learning how to excavate archeological ruins, collect various artifacts and remains I may find, and how to prepare and analyze them in a lab. Oh I'm so excited!!! AAAHHHH!!!!
Another good thing, I graduate in December!!! Oh man, I don't know how much more of this whole school thing I can take. I'm tired of killing myself and dealing with shitty people and being stressed out all the time and having so much to do all the time. I graduate and I'm done. Thank god.
The Dark:
Well, I want to go to graduate school in the fall of 2012, but I don't think I can get in. They want amazing people, and I just don't see myself fitting into that category. Who knows, maybe going to Peru will help. But still.
You know, my viewpoint of myself has been really shitty lately. I've been really mean to me!!! I just don't like myself. I feel like I'm nothing special, like I'm average, and all kinds of other really nasty stuff that I probably should put here. But I've been super mean to me lately. I don't know what's up.
Also, trying to figure out this whole wedding thing is stressful enough as it is. So we aren't getting married in July like planned but fuck now we have no date and nothing is getting done and it's stressing me out like crazy!! Ahh!! Seriously, I'm about ready to just grab the wedding party and family who wants to go, run away to Vegas, and just get married. Who needs to do something fancy, anyway? Uhg, I'm tired of this whole thing just sitting over my head.
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thoughts. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Dreams
They are so weird!!! Honestly, dreams are crazy. Especially mine. They always run in one of two ways: either it's running like it's everyday life and makes it very hard to distinguish from real life, or it plays out like a Hollywood movie and while I'm still one person, I can see a lot of different angles, view points, thoughts, people, etc.
Still, every had dreams that leave you shaking and feeling completely thrown for a new one when you wake up? I'm sure it's fairly common. Generally, I'm fairly used to the crazy level of my dreams and how they differ from most people's, but sometimes i still get thrown off. Today is one of those days.
The dream: fairly simple. Sort of. Basically, I ran into my ex who was taking care of our child. Yeah, I was basically the man. Yeah, I had the baby, but I didn't really want to take care of it so he was. I realized that it was almost a year old when I ran into hi and that I'd hardly spent any time with my daughter. So I was talking to him, spending more time with him and his girlfriend, and trying to bring myself into my daughter's life. The first idea I had to do that (after hanging out with them in a lecture at school...) was to take her home with me for a week and spend a week with her. And it was weird because I really didn't care that he was taking care of her and raising her and it wasn't that important for me to be there for her. Then I started to wonder about custody issues and how to spend time with her and how I really didn't care if I was with her a lot but how he would feel having to give her up for extended periods of time. Ah, it was weird.
Next dream: odd. In short, from having baby I didn't care about I was heading home and was talking to my mom on the phone. Headed to work and was staying there doing my job, and then my boss came up to me and said I could go home because my mother had died. I looked at the schedule and realized that I could take off around a week or two without much problem to grieve and figure shit out. But mainly, I was in shock. No way she could be dead, I had just talked to her!!! As I was heading home, I kept trying to call her. Sometimes it rang and other times I just got stuck with voicemail. And about the time I got home, I got a text from my dad that basically read: As a plane was landing in Pheonix, three people suffered from heart attacks. Two of those had their hearts just stop as the air pressure and whatnot was unusual. One of those was your mother. An investigation may follow. And I guess that's when it hit me that she was really gone. So I spent the rest of the dream (until my cat woke me up yowling) grieving and going back and forth from thinking she was fine to knowing she was dead and freaking out.
Uhg. I like to think that there are deeper meanings to dreams; that there is some underlying thoughts or fears that your dreams can show you if you're receptive to it. I've no idea though. It could be crap. I think that activities you did during the day also can influence it. Watch a movie about kids and you have a tendency to have kids in your dream. Have a conversation about death and it shows up. But not always. Sometimes dreams are completely unrelated. And I have to wonder, where does my head get some of the ideas it does? I don't know, but sometimes I wonder if maybe the dreams I have are a sign that I really am crazy.
Still, every had dreams that leave you shaking and feeling completely thrown for a new one when you wake up? I'm sure it's fairly common. Generally, I'm fairly used to the crazy level of my dreams and how they differ from most people's, but sometimes i still get thrown off. Today is one of those days.
The dream: fairly simple. Sort of. Basically, I ran into my ex who was taking care of our child. Yeah, I was basically the man. Yeah, I had the baby, but I didn't really want to take care of it so he was. I realized that it was almost a year old when I ran into hi and that I'd hardly spent any time with my daughter. So I was talking to him, spending more time with him and his girlfriend, and trying to bring myself into my daughter's life. The first idea I had to do that (after hanging out with them in a lecture at school...) was to take her home with me for a week and spend a week with her. And it was weird because I really didn't care that he was taking care of her and raising her and it wasn't that important for me to be there for her. Then I started to wonder about custody issues and how to spend time with her and how I really didn't care if I was with her a lot but how he would feel having to give her up for extended periods of time. Ah, it was weird.
Next dream: odd. In short, from having baby I didn't care about I was heading home and was talking to my mom on the phone. Headed to work and was staying there doing my job, and then my boss came up to me and said I could go home because my mother had died. I looked at the schedule and realized that I could take off around a week or two without much problem to grieve and figure shit out. But mainly, I was in shock. No way she could be dead, I had just talked to her!!! As I was heading home, I kept trying to call her. Sometimes it rang and other times I just got stuck with voicemail. And about the time I got home, I got a text from my dad that basically read: As a plane was landing in Pheonix, three people suffered from heart attacks. Two of those had their hearts just stop as the air pressure and whatnot was unusual. One of those was your mother. An investigation may follow. And I guess that's when it hit me that she was really gone. So I spent the rest of the dream (until my cat woke me up yowling) grieving and going back and forth from thinking she was fine to knowing she was dead and freaking out.
Uhg. I like to think that there are deeper meanings to dreams; that there is some underlying thoughts or fears that your dreams can show you if you're receptive to it. I've no idea though. It could be crap. I think that activities you did during the day also can influence it. Watch a movie about kids and you have a tendency to have kids in your dream. Have a conversation about death and it shows up. But not always. Sometimes dreams are completely unrelated. And I have to wonder, where does my head get some of the ideas it does? I don't know, but sometimes I wonder if maybe the dreams I have are a sign that I really am crazy.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
"Secrets"
1. I'm scared to have kids because I'm worried that I won't be a good mom and I'll destroy their lives.
2. I'm too selfish to think of anyone else.
3. I love college to death but I want to be in the "real world".
4. I hate my job and most of the people in it.
5. Sometimes I think I'm going the complete wrong direction in my life.
6. Many days I wake up wishing that I was a famous singer.
7. I wish I knew how to express my thoughts through art.
8. I'm tired of all the drama and yet I love it.
9. I can't walk by a reflective surface without staring at my reflection first.
10. I make things sound worse than they are because I like the attention people give me.
11. I have crazy moments go off all the time in my head, I just use all my self-control to fight the urge. That's why you think I have none.
12. Sometimes I wish I could be a cleaning lady because I always get a rush whenever I see something become clean again.
13. I think I'm fat and my self-conscious self hates it.
14. I think I'm drop dead gorgeous.
15. I'm highly narcissistic and highly insecure at the same time. It sucks.
16. Sometimes, I don't think bipolar is the only thing wrong with me.
17. My favorite colors are crimson red and sapphire blue because one looks like blood and the other looks like the ocean.
18. Sometimes I think it would be a lot of fun to be a serial killer.
19. I can't help but wonder what else I might have blocked out from my childhood.
20. People think I'm crazy blunt and "out there" when it comes to sexuality and all things included, but really it's because it gave me a face to hide behind so that no one could see how much I'd been hurt by it.
2. I'm too selfish to think of anyone else.
3. I love college to death but I want to be in the "real world".
4. I hate my job and most of the people in it.
5. Sometimes I think I'm going the complete wrong direction in my life.
6. Many days I wake up wishing that I was a famous singer.
7. I wish I knew how to express my thoughts through art.
8. I'm tired of all the drama and yet I love it.
9. I can't walk by a reflective surface without staring at my reflection first.
10. I make things sound worse than they are because I like the attention people give me.
11. I have crazy moments go off all the time in my head, I just use all my self-control to fight the urge. That's why you think I have none.
12. Sometimes I wish I could be a cleaning lady because I always get a rush whenever I see something become clean again.
13. I think I'm fat and my self-conscious self hates it.
14. I think I'm drop dead gorgeous.
15. I'm highly narcissistic and highly insecure at the same time. It sucks.
16. Sometimes, I don't think bipolar is the only thing wrong with me.
17. My favorite colors are crimson red and sapphire blue because one looks like blood and the other looks like the ocean.
18. Sometimes I think it would be a lot of fun to be a serial killer.
19. I can't help but wonder what else I might have blocked out from my childhood.
20. People think I'm crazy blunt and "out there" when it comes to sexuality and all things included, but really it's because it gave me a face to hide behind so that no one could see how much I'd been hurt by it.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Unknown
I've been thinking a lot about the past lately, and how much different events can completely shape you and your life into different directions. Specifically, I've been thinking about the people I've let in to my life, the ones I held close, and the ones who meant the most to be. I think about how I've been hurt, how when you love someone you give them the power to completely destroy you and you hold on and hope they don't do it.
I'm getting married in five months. And I still go through the thought of wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I think it's because of the two other people that I let in and held close, the two other people I was sure I was going to spend my life with and how both of them destroyed it. Yeah, I held a part in it, but it always makes you question the legitimacy of a relationship and the point of putting your faith in forever when it's already be tarnished and destroyed not once but twice before. I gave these guys everything, and then they threw it back in my face. Sometimes I wonder if that's what's pushed me to be a cynic towards love, towards the idea that people can care for one another.
I love, and yet I feel nothing. It's the fear that holds me back, the fear that keeps me from saying everything I think and feel, the fear that I will be broken once again and never cared for. Because when the people you feel for most try to break you, why should you trust that everyone else won't do the same? I love Chris more than anything, and yet a part of me holds back because what if he does the same? He's my second longest relationship, and yet it's still moving towards surpassing the longest. My fear is that the longer I'm with him, the more he'll see whatever the others saw and he'll leave me, too. And maybe my thoughts of leaving are there because if I end it first, then it won't hurt so bad when he leaves me. I'm scared to admit this, admit how I really feel and the thoughts that continually run through my head. I'm scared to be alone, and scared to care for another. I'm scared.
I'm getting married in five months. And I still go through the thought of wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I think it's because of the two other people that I let in and held close, the two other people I was sure I was going to spend my life with and how both of them destroyed it. Yeah, I held a part in it, but it always makes you question the legitimacy of a relationship and the point of putting your faith in forever when it's already be tarnished and destroyed not once but twice before. I gave these guys everything, and then they threw it back in my face. Sometimes I wonder if that's what's pushed me to be a cynic towards love, towards the idea that people can care for one another.
I love, and yet I feel nothing. It's the fear that holds me back, the fear that keeps me from saying everything I think and feel, the fear that I will be broken once again and never cared for. Because when the people you feel for most try to break you, why should you trust that everyone else won't do the same? I love Chris more than anything, and yet a part of me holds back because what if he does the same? He's my second longest relationship, and yet it's still moving towards surpassing the longest. My fear is that the longer I'm with him, the more he'll see whatever the others saw and he'll leave me, too. And maybe my thoughts of leaving are there because if I end it first, then it won't hurt so bad when he leaves me. I'm scared to admit this, admit how I really feel and the thoughts that continually run through my head. I'm scared to be alone, and scared to care for another. I'm scared.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Life and Butterflies
I don't know what butterflies have to do with anything, but it sounds good in the title =] Life is going. As it always is. Just going. It has it's ups and downs, sure, but I always at least try to keep going. Right now I'm on an up. This past week was a down. Still, it's that you keep going that matters.
I'd rather not say in its entirety what it was that was going on, but let's just say some misunderstandings between people caused a lot a tension. I love these people to death, and I definitely value their opinions, but it definitely makes you think.
Sometimes you need to look at why you care about something. Sometimes it's important to know why you care about certain things, why you work certain places, why you love certain people, why you are friends with people. When you think about it, review it, evaluate it, reason with it, and understand it, you can appreciate it that much. When you revisit it and don't take for granted what you have, you can love it that much more. You can be that much happier that it is in your life. Be glad that you have those things, not upset by all of the tiny details that in the end don't even matter. Life is, so appreciate it for all it's worth and live each day to its fullest.
I'd rather not say in its entirety what it was that was going on, but let's just say some misunderstandings between people caused a lot a tension. I love these people to death, and I definitely value their opinions, but it definitely makes you think.
Sometimes you need to look at why you care about something. Sometimes it's important to know why you care about certain things, why you work certain places, why you love certain people, why you are friends with people. When you think about it, review it, evaluate it, reason with it, and understand it, you can appreciate it that much. When you revisit it and don't take for granted what you have, you can love it that much more. You can be that much happier that it is in your life. Be glad that you have those things, not upset by all of the tiny details that in the end don't even matter. Life is, so appreciate it for all it's worth and live each day to its fullest.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Working On Awareness
That's my thing right now, being aware of my life. What's the point of living if you only go through life in a half daze worrying about anything and everything to the point that you have no idea what's really going on? The first place that I am trying this out is how much I eat and drink daily. Being aware of what I put into my body can help me begin to be healthier. If I start to act healthier, I'll feel better. When I feel better I pay better attention to everything else. So this is my theory. I'm going to pay attention to smaller details and work my way out to see everything. I hope it works.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Mental Notes to Self
1. Getting enough sleep makes you feel better.
2. If you eat regularly, not only do you look healthier, you feel better and you're more stable.
3. Taking your pills regularly like you're supposed to keeps you from having melt downs.
4. Start studying for a test when you first get the material that'll be covered on it. You'll know it better and you won't be stressing out before the test. And you'll do better when you actually take the test.
5. If you get up with enough time to get ready in the morning, you're relaxed and able to make it to class with ample time to get ready and you're better prepared for learning the information presented.
6. Planning ahead and working on stuff prior to when it needs to be done means less stress later on when it actually needs to be done.
7. Showering regularly makes you feel better.
8. Dressing up every now and then is good for you; it's good to feel pretty and like yourself.
9. Take time for you but don't spend all free time on you. Remember that you still have stuff that needs to be done.
10. No matter what your moods tell you, how you feel, or what you're thinking, you are awesome. There are people who love you, and you will be missed if you aren't here.
2. If you eat regularly, not only do you look healthier, you feel better and you're more stable.
3. Taking your pills regularly like you're supposed to keeps you from having melt downs.
4. Start studying for a test when you first get the material that'll be covered on it. You'll know it better and you won't be stressing out before the test. And you'll do better when you actually take the test.
5. If you get up with enough time to get ready in the morning, you're relaxed and able to make it to class with ample time to get ready and you're better prepared for learning the information presented.
6. Planning ahead and working on stuff prior to when it needs to be done means less stress later on when it actually needs to be done.
7. Showering regularly makes you feel better.
8. Dressing up every now and then is good for you; it's good to feel pretty and like yourself.
9. Take time for you but don't spend all free time on you. Remember that you still have stuff that needs to be done.
10. No matter what your moods tell you, how you feel, or what you're thinking, you are awesome. There are people who love you, and you will be missed if you aren't here.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Grad School?
Currently that's the issue I'm mulling over in my head. Do I want to go to grad school and get a master's in Forensics or do I want to go to law school. Luckily, there are a couple of schools where you can actually do both. Still, you have to be accepted into each program individually. Uhg. I've been looking at numerous grad schools, and after I get through those I'm probably going to start checking out law schools. Oi. If only I knew what to do with my life.
I'm finally done with recruitment and finally unsilenced. I can reassociate with Zeta, however it sucks because I work nights. This means that even though I can hang out with them and wear shirts and whatever else, I still can't really go to anything because I'm always working. FML. I guess that's what happens in the big kid world, you lose time to do fun things as you work your butt off to make ends meet. Sometimes I wish I wasn't growing up. Plus, no matter where I go for school in 2012, I'm going to be moving to a place I don't know (more likely than not) and being far from everyone and everything I know. Alright, the only schools in Forensics are basically on the coasts, and mostly in the northeast. If I moved there I'd be close to family I've never really known well, and if I moved to California I'd be really close to family I rarely see. If I go to Florida, well, there's no one there. Nore is there anyone in Michigan or Illinois. *Sigh* Life is hard.
The good thing is the stability and happiness that Chris gives me. Whenever I start to lose hope or get really down he's always there to pick me back up and remind me that I'm okay. No matter what I freak out about, from Zeta to being a hypochondriac (and all that comes with that) to school, to family, to life, he's always there to keep me sane. He loves me and supports me in all I do, and he's there for me. Always. I fucking love this guy.
Well, life is kicking my ass. I'm a student who's taking overtime in hours (full time max is 18, I'm doing 20), I'm working two jobs, I'm in many extracurricular activities, and I still manage to maintain a 3.3 GPA and a social life. I think I'm superwoman.
I'm finally done with recruitment and finally unsilenced. I can reassociate with Zeta, however it sucks because I work nights. This means that even though I can hang out with them and wear shirts and whatever else, I still can't really go to anything because I'm always working. FML. I guess that's what happens in the big kid world, you lose time to do fun things as you work your butt off to make ends meet. Sometimes I wish I wasn't growing up. Plus, no matter where I go for school in 2012, I'm going to be moving to a place I don't know (more likely than not) and being far from everyone and everything I know. Alright, the only schools in Forensics are basically on the coasts, and mostly in the northeast. If I moved there I'd be close to family I've never really known well, and if I moved to California I'd be really close to family I rarely see. If I go to Florida, well, there's no one there. Nore is there anyone in Michigan or Illinois. *Sigh* Life is hard.
The good thing is the stability and happiness that Chris gives me. Whenever I start to lose hope or get really down he's always there to pick me back up and remind me that I'm okay. No matter what I freak out about, from Zeta to being a hypochondriac (and all that comes with that) to school, to family, to life, he's always there to keep me sane. He loves me and supports me in all I do, and he's there for me. Always. I fucking love this guy.
Well, life is kicking my ass. I'm a student who's taking overtime in hours (full time max is 18, I'm doing 20), I'm working two jobs, I'm in many extracurricular activities, and I still manage to maintain a 3.3 GPA and a social life. I think I'm superwoman.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Odd
Recruitment is insane, but then again it always is. There's always people who are going to say you're doing a horrible job, those who tell you hwo to do it, and those who praise it. You're always going to mess up because, hey, you're human. It's what we do. And no one is perfect. I think that's why I like recruitment. It reminds me to not take myself so seriously, to be calm, and to know that if I tried pleasing everyone that in the end I will have failed. All I can do is my best, work to have things run smoothly, be strong, and remember, if things are going great then you haven't reached the end. Besides, in under 24 hours I will no longer be silenced, recruitment will be over, I'll have almost 20 new and beautiful sisters, and I won't have to worry about this any more. Things aren't amazing yet because I'm not at the end yet =]
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Isis Lessons
Isis, as you may or may not know, is my kitten who is about three months old, give or take a few weeks. She's adorable, fun loving, and just happy to be alive. And she teaches me every day new ways to live.
Isis loves freely. Every person she comes into contact with she lets into her heart. They say love is blind, and for Isis, it truly is. All you need to do is be there and she becomes yours. She reminds me every day what it is to love unconditionally.
Isis comes to love on me every day. No matter how I'm feeling, no matter what I've done, she still is by my side. When I'm feeling down, like last night, she makes it a point to stay on my lap curled up and maintaining all of my attention so that I don't notice that I am sad anymore. She reminds me of the age-old saying, "This too shall pass."
Isis never lets anything get her down. Despite what my other two cats, Derp and Spaz, think of her, she's always happy. They can bug her all she wants, they can hate on here and ignore her, growl at her, or fight with her, and yet she doesn't let it bug her in the slightest. She just goes about her business, loving freely and being completely and totally stoked just to be alive. She reminds me every day that this life is all I have, and I am in control of it. I can control how I see things, how I let things affect me, and how I live my life. She reminds me to live life to the fullest.
Isis may just be a cat, but she can still be a reminder in the most stressful of times to sit back, relax, and love life. She's one of the closest things to me, and she means the world. She truly is unique, and for what she reminds me of every day I can never give up.
Isis loves freely. Every person she comes into contact with she lets into her heart. They say love is blind, and for Isis, it truly is. All you need to do is be there and she becomes yours. She reminds me every day what it is to love unconditionally.
Isis comes to love on me every day. No matter how I'm feeling, no matter what I've done, she still is by my side. When I'm feeling down, like last night, she makes it a point to stay on my lap curled up and maintaining all of my attention so that I don't notice that I am sad anymore. She reminds me of the age-old saying, "This too shall pass."
Isis never lets anything get her down. Despite what my other two cats, Derp and Spaz, think of her, she's always happy. They can bug her all she wants, they can hate on here and ignore her, growl at her, or fight with her, and yet she doesn't let it bug her in the slightest. She just goes about her business, loving freely and being completely and totally stoked just to be alive. She reminds me every day that this life is all I have, and I am in control of it. I can control how I see things, how I let things affect me, and how I live my life. She reminds me to live life to the fullest.
Isis may just be a cat, but she can still be a reminder in the most stressful of times to sit back, relax, and love life. She's one of the closest things to me, and she means the world. She truly is unique, and for what she reminds me of every day I can never give up.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Working
Yeah, okay, it's something that just about every adult does. I'm working at McCarty's, a local restaurant that has a homey feel with good food relatively fast for not too high a price. I work as a waitress, cashier, bus girl, and whatever else needs to be done, like preparing or cooking food, changing the sign outside, taking out trash, prepping the food, like onions to be ready for quickly made onion rings, to running errands. It happens. I actually really like my job, it's just being on my feet for hours that kills me.
Currently, my mood is weird. I feel full of energy, ready to go and conquer the world. I want to do things, accomplish everything possible, and like I'm invincible. It's true. I feel like I can clean my house tonight, do all my homework, take care of the cats, cook a full dinner, and not even need sleep. And yet I'm feeling so down, like there's no point to anything. Like, what am I going to do with my life? What's the point of being in school? I can get by without all the education. Who needs a fancy life? Why try on anything? It doesn't matter what I do, I'll never make a difference. There's nothing special about me, nothing unique, nothing worthy of even using resources on. I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing, staring into space wishing I could stop existing and wondering why that hasn't happened yet. And yet I still feel like I can change the world.
I'm not sure what's up with that. I'm doing a lot with my life, so maybe I'm just stressed out by trying to make it all work. Maybe it's just my bipolar shit kicking in, and I just need to move on with my life because honestly, I'll get over it. By next week or even tomorrow I'll feel completely different. Or exactly the same. Or I shifted to one of the two moods. Hell if I know. All I know is that I'm doing my best to keep going. I feel like I'm accomplishing a lot and doing a lot with my life right now, but at the same time I feel like it's nothing at all. Who knows.
I feel like talking to people but I don't know what I would say. I want to be held and told I'm fine and I'll be okay and yet I just want to be alone. I want to be with someone, like being a lone is a horrible idea and yet that's all I even want. My own space. my own everything. But I don't at the same time. Fuck me, right?
Oh well. At this point, yeah I'm tired, but stuff also needs to get done. I want to do it but I don't at the same time. Who knows. And who knows how this even relates to work and how I started this blog. Bleh. I think I'm retarded.
Currently, my mood is weird. I feel full of energy, ready to go and conquer the world. I want to do things, accomplish everything possible, and like I'm invincible. It's true. I feel like I can clean my house tonight, do all my homework, take care of the cats, cook a full dinner, and not even need sleep. And yet I'm feeling so down, like there's no point to anything. Like, what am I going to do with my life? What's the point of being in school? I can get by without all the education. Who needs a fancy life? Why try on anything? It doesn't matter what I do, I'll never make a difference. There's nothing special about me, nothing unique, nothing worthy of even using resources on. I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing, staring into space wishing I could stop existing and wondering why that hasn't happened yet. And yet I still feel like I can change the world.
I'm not sure what's up with that. I'm doing a lot with my life, so maybe I'm just stressed out by trying to make it all work. Maybe it's just my bipolar shit kicking in, and I just need to move on with my life because honestly, I'll get over it. By next week or even tomorrow I'll feel completely different. Or exactly the same. Or I shifted to one of the two moods. Hell if I know. All I know is that I'm doing my best to keep going. I feel like I'm accomplishing a lot and doing a lot with my life right now, but at the same time I feel like it's nothing at all. Who knows.
I feel like talking to people but I don't know what I would say. I want to be held and told I'm fine and I'll be okay and yet I just want to be alone. I want to be with someone, like being a lone is a horrible idea and yet that's all I even want. My own space. my own everything. But I don't at the same time. Fuck me, right?
Oh well. At this point, yeah I'm tired, but stuff also needs to get done. I want to do it but I don't at the same time. Who knows. And who knows how this even relates to work and how I started this blog. Bleh. I think I'm retarded.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
School Year '10-'11
Oi. Yup, it's started. Huzzah!! I've figured out that I only have three semesters left until I graduate with a double major. Sweet! Also, haven't yet decided what it is I'm going to do after school. A part of me wants to be a lawyer, and yet part of me thinks that's a bad idea. I don't know. Luckily, after I graduate I'm taking a semester off so hopefully I can figure out at least a few more steps of what I'm going to do after school. Oi.
As of now I am planning recruitment for all Women's Greek Organizations on campus. Woo! Also, planning a wedding, working, and going to school full time. Jeez mon'! Luckily I have amazing friends, like Lish, who are there all along the way. And what would I do without Chris? He really is my rock. He's the resounding figure that's pushing me to get through school, to not give up when things get tough, and my shoulder to cry on when it feels like everything is falling apart. And that's part of why I'm marrying him.
I really need to clean my house, though. It's stressing me out because it's so dirty, and the cats are throwing a fit that we haven't cleaned the litter box in a while. Ew. I'm still debating on whether or not to clean after I post this. I've been feeling sick all day, but honestly, maybe it's in part due to the state of my house right now. Gah, if only I had a washer and drier. I was so close, too! Well, we'll see what happens. Maybe I'll wash a few dishes then go to sleep. I've done some homework today, so I'm feeling pretty decent. Worked tonight, did well, missed a class because I almost passed out and threw up everywhere, but overall I'm feeling okay at this point. Just tired. So maybe all I'll do is some dishes. And maybe the litter box. Or I'll have Chris do it when he gets home.
As of now I am planning recruitment for all Women's Greek Organizations on campus. Woo! Also, planning a wedding, working, and going to school full time. Jeez mon'! Luckily I have amazing friends, like Lish, who are there all along the way. And what would I do without Chris? He really is my rock. He's the resounding figure that's pushing me to get through school, to not give up when things get tough, and my shoulder to cry on when it feels like everything is falling apart. And that's part of why I'm marrying him.
I really need to clean my house, though. It's stressing me out because it's so dirty, and the cats are throwing a fit that we haven't cleaned the litter box in a while. Ew. I'm still debating on whether or not to clean after I post this. I've been feeling sick all day, but honestly, maybe it's in part due to the state of my house right now. Gah, if only I had a washer and drier. I was so close, too! Well, we'll see what happens. Maybe I'll wash a few dishes then go to sleep. I've done some homework today, so I'm feeling pretty decent. Worked tonight, did well, missed a class because I almost passed out and threw up everywhere, but overall I'm feeling okay at this point. Just tired. So maybe all I'll do is some dishes. And maybe the litter box. Or I'll have Chris do it when he gets home.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Moving
The past week has been crazy, primarily because I'm moving. Chris and I are moving in together, and I'm stoked. Yes, that means I'm staying out here for the summer and not going back to Albuquerque, but I'm okay with that. I'm looking forward to the direction my life is traveling in. We have three cats in our place, Spaz, Derp, and Petra. They're adorable, but Petra hates them. Oi. Still, she's slowly getting over it.
This week is dead week, meaning that we are doing absolutely nothing other than killing ourselves with our last week of classes. It also means that finals are next week. Still, as much as finals suck, it means that you've reached the end of the semester. It means that anything that's been kicking your ass or killing you or is just something that you need a break from is finally at an end and you can go on. It's like a mental restart button. It puts you back together so that you don't lose your sanity. And I'm going to need it. This summer I'm taking 14 hours. This fall I'm taking 22. And the spring? Hell if I know. The goal is to graduate in May. So one year from now I'm going to be graduating. Holy shit. It seems like I just started going to school here and yet I'm about to leave. It makes me sad. But at the same time, I'm ready for my life already. I'm tired of being a kid with adult privileges. I need to move on. I want to live my life. I'm ready to be an adult. Screw all this "Let's party, study, whatever the hell it is we do here" attitude and move on. So I'm going to try to graduate in May. If I can't, I'm here until December.
My plan for after I graduate is to go to Law School. Random, I know. But I want to do it. All of the stereotypical law school/lawyer ideas don't appeal to me, but I've taken about 5 law classes and loved all of them. I figure that law classes are much closer to what it is that law is all about and how it is in reality, and so I figure that that is probably the most accurate description I have is the classes I've taken. I want to go to UNM; I just hope I get in. That's why I'm trying to graduate in May, though. Law schools don't have Fall/Spring start sessions. You have to start in the fall. So if I finish in December I will have eight months to go before the school year would start. I'm not sure what I'd do with my life. Oi. It's a scary thought. And if this doesn't work out, well, I don't know what I'm going to do.
Anyway, just a little update on life. I'm crazy tired and ready to be done with everything. I need the two or three weeks off that I have before summer classes start. I need something to do that isn't stressful, exhausting, or trying to kill me. So I just need to find a job for the summer and then worry about passing my classes. *sigh* I just want the semester to be over.
This week is dead week, meaning that we are doing absolutely nothing other than killing ourselves with our last week of classes. It also means that finals are next week. Still, as much as finals suck, it means that you've reached the end of the semester. It means that anything that's been kicking your ass or killing you or is just something that you need a break from is finally at an end and you can go on. It's like a mental restart button. It puts you back together so that you don't lose your sanity. And I'm going to need it. This summer I'm taking 14 hours. This fall I'm taking 22. And the spring? Hell if I know. The goal is to graduate in May. So one year from now I'm going to be graduating. Holy shit. It seems like I just started going to school here and yet I'm about to leave. It makes me sad. But at the same time, I'm ready for my life already. I'm tired of being a kid with adult privileges. I need to move on. I want to live my life. I'm ready to be an adult. Screw all this "Let's party, study, whatever the hell it is we do here" attitude and move on. So I'm going to try to graduate in May. If I can't, I'm here until December.
My plan for after I graduate is to go to Law School. Random, I know. But I want to do it. All of the stereotypical law school/lawyer ideas don't appeal to me, but I've taken about 5 law classes and loved all of them. I figure that law classes are much closer to what it is that law is all about and how it is in reality, and so I figure that that is probably the most accurate description I have is the classes I've taken. I want to go to UNM; I just hope I get in. That's why I'm trying to graduate in May, though. Law schools don't have Fall/Spring start sessions. You have to start in the fall. So if I finish in December I will have eight months to go before the school year would start. I'm not sure what I'd do with my life. Oi. It's a scary thought. And if this doesn't work out, well, I don't know what I'm going to do.
Anyway, just a little update on life. I'm crazy tired and ready to be done with everything. I need the two or three weeks off that I have before summer classes start. I need something to do that isn't stressful, exhausting, or trying to kill me. So I just need to find a job for the summer and then worry about passing my classes. *sigh* I just want the semester to be over.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Law School
When I was a little kid, my dad told me that I would make a great lawyer. He wasn't saying that I had to be one or that it would be the best thing for me to do or that he wouldn't love me if I wasn't. He didn't spend my life training me to go. He didn't pound it into my head that it was completely essential for me to go to law school and that that was to be my direction in life. No, all he said was that I would probably enjoy it and that I'd be good at it. When I was a little kid I took it as a compliment because he thought I was smart enough to be a lawyer. As I got older, though, he just kind of left it as I went on to pursue my own ideas.
Last year, I was taking a criminal justice class where my teacher prompted discussions and thought about criminal cases. I didn't talk much, but it always made me think of what my position would be and for the first time challenged me to defend it. I loved it. So my dad said again what I had heard so long ago, "Have you thought about being a lawyer? It's very similar to what you're experiencing, and you would be really good at it." I thought about it, but I was still stuck on the idea that I wanted to do forensic work, be a criminal profiler, all of that fun jazz. Plus, I was thinking about lawyers with the stereotype that Hollywood projects. So, while it spiked my interest a bit, I put it in a back corner of my mind.
This semester, my science classes for my degree have been kicking my ass. I've gotten so frustrated with it that I've been tempted to just give up on science and major in something else. So I added a second major, Psychology. Contradictory, yes, but in the pathway of becoming a profiler, it makes sense. While I wanted to drop Forensic Biology, though, I realized just how close I was to graduating with that degree, and it seemed like a waste of time and energy to not follow through. I only have a year left. One year, and I will be done with Forensic Biology. And I learned that I could finish Psychology as well. This means that this time a year from now, I will be 20 years old and about to finish college with two undergraduate degrees. Intense, I know.
I was talking to my dad about finishing school next May and he brought up grad school. He asked if I thought about it and what I wanted to do once I graduated. I told him I really didn't know. It's true. The thought of graduating is amazing. The sense of accomplishment I'd have is absurd. To me, graduating like that would make up (in my mind) for all of my academic failures in the past. It would be the statement that says, "Look at me! I'm smart! I can do whatever I want to do and nothing will hold me back!" So while I'm stoked to graduate, I'm also horrified, because what am I supposed to do after I graduate? I'd have a degree in Forensic Bio and another in Psychology. What the hell do I do with that? I don't want to work in a lab. Being a psychologist isn't bad, but honestly, the likelihood have having guaranteed work in this economy is low. So no. I don't know. So my dad brings up grad school and I'm thinking, "Well crap, I could go but I don't know what I'd study and how would I pay for it and there's a myriad of problems and questions and issues to think about before I could possibly go." His suggestion: What about law school?
First off, until this point I didn't even know that law school was a graduate program. I'm not even sure that I connected it into the realm of normal academic schooling because you go to specific "law schools" and you study law. It's a category of its own. At least that's what I thought. Now I know that in order to get your doctorate of jurisprudence (J.D.) you have to go through a law program at an accredited school and it falls into the category of a Graduate School Program. Who knew? Not me.
Second though, maybe that's a good idea. It would give me something to study. I'd have a direction to go. Wandering aimlessly in life without direction or purpose is horrifying to me. Now I'd have a direction. And UNM is one of the best law schools in the country. Lawyers will always have a job, and there is financial security. I can live a comfortable lifestyle. But would I enjoy it?
I remembered what I felt last year, and so I decided, "Why don't I look into this? It wouldn't hurt to look." So I did. I looked at UNM first because it's in my hometown of Albuquerque, started to read about their program, and look at various aspects about what law school entailed. It was one of the most interesting things I've ever looked at! So I decided maybe it's worth a shot. I looked at various requirements to get in, and started to think, "You know, I could probably do this." I kept hearing about the LSAT (Law School Admissions Test), and so I looked into what that was. I read about it and while they kept saying it was super difficult, it just didn't sound that hard to me. I figured a better test of that would be to look at practice questions to use as a better judge. Of all the questions I took (granted, it wasn't that many), I got about 90% of them right. I wasn't actually trying. So now I'm thinking that with some preparation, I could actually do this.
The classes sound crazy interesting. Stereotype law sounds horrendous, but I think about all my experience with law (about 4 college classes worth) and I realize that I loved all of it. So which is a better indication of what I'd think about it, a stereotype from a place that always fucks up everything and doesn't get anything right, or classes that focus on it and are way closer to the actuality of it than television could ever get? It was at this point that I decided to go to law school.
So this is my plan now. While graduating next May was only a possibility, I intend on making it a reality. Law schools only start in the fall semesters, so if I graduated in December I'd have to kill eight months before I could start school. I need at least decent grades, so I'm determined to do well academically as best I can this semester and for certain for my last three. I am going to spend this summer studying my ass off for the LSAT, and I am going to take it in October. By February of next year I will have my application completed for UNM. And I am going to get in.
Last year, I was taking a criminal justice class where my teacher prompted discussions and thought about criminal cases. I didn't talk much, but it always made me think of what my position would be and for the first time challenged me to defend it. I loved it. So my dad said again what I had heard so long ago, "Have you thought about being a lawyer? It's very similar to what you're experiencing, and you would be really good at it." I thought about it, but I was still stuck on the idea that I wanted to do forensic work, be a criminal profiler, all of that fun jazz. Plus, I was thinking about lawyers with the stereotype that Hollywood projects. So, while it spiked my interest a bit, I put it in a back corner of my mind.
This semester, my science classes for my degree have been kicking my ass. I've gotten so frustrated with it that I've been tempted to just give up on science and major in something else. So I added a second major, Psychology. Contradictory, yes, but in the pathway of becoming a profiler, it makes sense. While I wanted to drop Forensic Biology, though, I realized just how close I was to graduating with that degree, and it seemed like a waste of time and energy to not follow through. I only have a year left. One year, and I will be done with Forensic Biology. And I learned that I could finish Psychology as well. This means that this time a year from now, I will be 20 years old and about to finish college with two undergraduate degrees. Intense, I know.
I was talking to my dad about finishing school next May and he brought up grad school. He asked if I thought about it and what I wanted to do once I graduated. I told him I really didn't know. It's true. The thought of graduating is amazing. The sense of accomplishment I'd have is absurd. To me, graduating like that would make up (in my mind) for all of my academic failures in the past. It would be the statement that says, "Look at me! I'm smart! I can do whatever I want to do and nothing will hold me back!" So while I'm stoked to graduate, I'm also horrified, because what am I supposed to do after I graduate? I'd have a degree in Forensic Bio and another in Psychology. What the hell do I do with that? I don't want to work in a lab. Being a psychologist isn't bad, but honestly, the likelihood have having guaranteed work in this economy is low. So no. I don't know. So my dad brings up grad school and I'm thinking, "Well crap, I could go but I don't know what I'd study and how would I pay for it and there's a myriad of problems and questions and issues to think about before I could possibly go." His suggestion: What about law school?
First off, until this point I didn't even know that law school was a graduate program. I'm not even sure that I connected it into the realm of normal academic schooling because you go to specific "law schools" and you study law. It's a category of its own. At least that's what I thought. Now I know that in order to get your doctorate of jurisprudence (J.D.) you have to go through a law program at an accredited school and it falls into the category of a Graduate School Program. Who knew? Not me.
Second though, maybe that's a good idea. It would give me something to study. I'd have a direction to go. Wandering aimlessly in life without direction or purpose is horrifying to me. Now I'd have a direction. And UNM is one of the best law schools in the country. Lawyers will always have a job, and there is financial security. I can live a comfortable lifestyle. But would I enjoy it?
I remembered what I felt last year, and so I decided, "Why don't I look into this? It wouldn't hurt to look." So I did. I looked at UNM first because it's in my hometown of Albuquerque, started to read about their program, and look at various aspects about what law school entailed. It was one of the most interesting things I've ever looked at! So I decided maybe it's worth a shot. I looked at various requirements to get in, and started to think, "You know, I could probably do this." I kept hearing about the LSAT (Law School Admissions Test), and so I looked into what that was. I read about it and while they kept saying it was super difficult, it just didn't sound that hard to me. I figured a better test of that would be to look at practice questions to use as a better judge. Of all the questions I took (granted, it wasn't that many), I got about 90% of them right. I wasn't actually trying. So now I'm thinking that with some preparation, I could actually do this.
The classes sound crazy interesting. Stereotype law sounds horrendous, but I think about all my experience with law (about 4 college classes worth) and I realize that I loved all of it. So which is a better indication of what I'd think about it, a stereotype from a place that always fucks up everything and doesn't get anything right, or classes that focus on it and are way closer to the actuality of it than television could ever get? It was at this point that I decided to go to law school.
So this is my plan now. While graduating next May was only a possibility, I intend on making it a reality. Law schools only start in the fall semesters, so if I graduated in December I'd have to kill eight months before I could start school. I need at least decent grades, so I'm determined to do well academically as best I can this semester and for certain for my last three. I am going to spend this summer studying my ass off for the LSAT, and I am going to take it in October. By February of next year I will have my application completed for UNM. And I am going to get in.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Graduation
It feels like I just got here and already I'm thinking about graduating and leaving here. I was looking at my schedule and it looks like I could graduate with at least one degree by May of 2011. And it turns out, I'm actually scheduled to graduate then. Who knew? So officially, I'm even supposed to graduate then. The odd thing is that it might actually happen. So then I have one other degree, Psychology, left to get. And even that should only take about another semester from there. It's so weird. I've only been here for two years, and I might graduate in one more year. If I did with both degrees, I'd be done with college at 20 with two degrees. Fuck! I don't know what I'd do. Hell, I don't even know if I'm ready for the real world yet. I'm going to start renting a house over the summer and next school year, and I hope to pay for it with a job rather than anything else. My college fund can just be used on schooling at that point rather than living expenses. This is my goal. So, I don't know. Maybe I'll add in a third degree so that I can graduate with all three in May 2012. How ridiculous would that be to be a 21 year old with three degrees? It's insane, and yet entirely possible. Oi. I don't know. It's scary to think that soon I'll have to live and work and pay rent and buy food and be another grown up working, living, starting a family, and going through life just seeing what there is left in my adventure that feels like it's hardly begun. I don't know if I'm ready for it. But I have a year to prepare.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Home
Well, Albuquerque home at least. I'm back a day later than originally intended because of too much snow and road closures. In New Mexico. Weird, I know. The weird thing about being in my room is how much it doesn't feel like my room anymore. Most things here aren't the same as they were when I lived here. I've taken all the posters from here. While there are a few things left on the walls they are mostly bare. Most of my furniture is still here, but not all of it. I look around the room and remember how it used to be my sanctuary. It was the one place I could truly escape. It was the one place I could truly call my own, where nothing could hurt me. I look around and I know now that it is just a place. Old memories linger in the air. I've had this room for eight years now. That is eight years of memories hanging. So much has happened in those eight years. I moved in during the spring break of my sixth grade year. Now I'm in my second year away at college. So much happened. So much changed. So much of me changed. I'm not the same little eleven year old girl I was who first looked into this room with wonder as I got to experience moving for the first time. Yeah, I'd moved before, but this was the first time I'd gotten to pack boxes, change locations, unpack, design the setup of my own room, and decide what I wanted. I've watched this room grow and change as I have. It went from a minty green to a sapphire blue when all I wanted was for my walls to be black. It went from happy and innocent to troubled and angsty teen. It went through suicidal me, happy me. It saw me at my best, it's seen me at my worst. And yet, all it is is a room. It has no feelings, no emotions. It can't understand what it means to me, and now, after being at school, that's all I can see it as. It's just a room, a room that used to be my sanctuary. But it's no longer mine. My stuff resides here, but they are just material objects that have little connection to me and my current life. And I realize that I have no place now that serves the same function as this room did. I have nothing in my life now that provides the same comfort. The closest I have is Chris, and yet relationships are always shaky in my mind for none of mine seem to last. I've been told I'm loved and that they will never leave by too many people, and all have broken me and left. It's hard to trust a person, give them everything after so many have taken it all then thrown it in your face after cracking it a bit more. It's hard to believe when they say they will never leave. Buildings are strong. They rarely fail. They don't give up. But it is just a building. A building can't love you back, and that's why I care so much more for a person than I will ever care for a room that held me, a cold and lonely child lost in the dark of this world. Now I stand with another's hand in mine and we walk through the dark with our heads held high knowing that wherever we go, we go together. Yeah I'm "home" in the comfort of an old companion, but it's a companion that has aged beyond its ability to love me back. My true companion, my true support, is found in another person, and it is through his support that I travel now.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Pets
You know, there is some reason for why it is that I don't have pets right now aside from the minor detail that the house I live in won't allow them. It's because they're so much work! Don't get me wrong, I love them to death, but I'm way too self absorbed to be able to properly care for another creature other than myself. Although I guess that's why I don't want a kid either, because it would be having to worry about something more than myself and right now it's hard enough to take care of me. So I want to get my shit together first.
Alright, so it's kind of a random subject, but I'm taking care of my boyfriend's mom's new puppy and it's a crazy little thing! Doesn't help that my boyfriend has a jealous kitten who doesn't like the attention the puppy gets. Anyway, both are adorable, but it's still a good reminder of why I don't have pets. The cat isn't so bad, but the dog is an attention whore. But then again, aren't all dogs? So I plan to get a cat to keep me company on those lonely nights when I have no one but the cat and myself for company. And they are awesome. Crazy, yes, but I still love them. It's just that dogs need so much more love then I can give them. Thus, no dogs for me. At least, not for a while. And same with kids. No babies until my life is under control.
Alright, so it's kind of a random subject, but I'm taking care of my boyfriend's mom's new puppy and it's a crazy little thing! Doesn't help that my boyfriend has a jealous kitten who doesn't like the attention the puppy gets. Anyway, both are adorable, but it's still a good reminder of why I don't have pets. The cat isn't so bad, but the dog is an attention whore. But then again, aren't all dogs? So I plan to get a cat to keep me company on those lonely nights when I have no one but the cat and myself for company. And they are awesome. Crazy, yes, but I still love them. It's just that dogs need so much more love then I can give them. Thus, no dogs for me. At least, not for a while. And same with kids. No babies until my life is under control.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Television
I don't watch it because I hate it. Generally, I don't care if other people watch it and if it's on I'll join you, but it doesn't really mean I enjoy it. I don't own a television of my own. When I'm at home I never go and turn it on just to watch it. It isn't my thing. But I think it goes back to the days when I was younger.
If you knew me as a little kid you knew that I watched TV all the time. That's why my parents got my sister and me into sports. Well, part of the reason. So I watched it all the time. Once we moved, though, I just wasn't that into it. Middle school came and went and I was relatively busy so I didn't watch it and I just had other stuff to do. I became less inclined to watch. And then ninth grade happened.
I was pretty depressed after 8th grade because I left all my friends and while I thought we were going to be friends in high school we weren't because they went to Eldorado and I went to La Cueva. Well, over winter break I went to a church camp and it changed my life. It was amazing! So after the drive from Denver to Albuquerque I came home and wanted to tell my mom all about it. I walked in after being gone for a week and my mom and sister were watching TV. I tried to say hi and tell them about it, but my mom hardly looked at me and told me to be quiet because her show was on. She didn't want to hear about it. I don't think she realized how much that hurt.
After that, I began actually hating it. I never hated it before that, it was when it was placed above me by my mother of all people that I turned. So I am an avid television hater. I think it destroys families from the inside out and it tears homes apart. But people don't see that because it numbs the mind. Television drains all creativity from the mind and drowns it in a dull environment with instant action that's fast paced and moving rapidly. No one has to think because you don't have enough time to. And as it numbs the brain you can't think of anything better to do then to continue numbing yourself with the same bullshit. And then families fall apart because the television and the people in the shows your watching become more like family to you than the actual people who should matter, your own flesh and blood. The only thing I can think of at this point is in Fahrenheit 451 when the main character's wife is so into her television room and her "family" that she has no idea what is really going on in the world and that's how their society is. I fucking hate it and we're moving rapidly in that direction. It's fucking bullshit. Uhg.
If you knew me as a little kid you knew that I watched TV all the time. That's why my parents got my sister and me into sports. Well, part of the reason. So I watched it all the time. Once we moved, though, I just wasn't that into it. Middle school came and went and I was relatively busy so I didn't watch it and I just had other stuff to do. I became less inclined to watch. And then ninth grade happened.
I was pretty depressed after 8th grade because I left all my friends and while I thought we were going to be friends in high school we weren't because they went to Eldorado and I went to La Cueva. Well, over winter break I went to a church camp and it changed my life. It was amazing! So after the drive from Denver to Albuquerque I came home and wanted to tell my mom all about it. I walked in after being gone for a week and my mom and sister were watching TV. I tried to say hi and tell them about it, but my mom hardly looked at me and told me to be quiet because her show was on. She didn't want to hear about it. I don't think she realized how much that hurt.
After that, I began actually hating it. I never hated it before that, it was when it was placed above me by my mother of all people that I turned. So I am an avid television hater. I think it destroys families from the inside out and it tears homes apart. But people don't see that because it numbs the mind. Television drains all creativity from the mind and drowns it in a dull environment with instant action that's fast paced and moving rapidly. No one has to think because you don't have enough time to. And as it numbs the brain you can't think of anything better to do then to continue numbing yourself with the same bullshit. And then families fall apart because the television and the people in the shows your watching become more like family to you than the actual people who should matter, your own flesh and blood. The only thing I can think of at this point is in Fahrenheit 451 when the main character's wife is so into her television room and her "family" that she has no idea what is really going on in the world and that's how their society is. I fucking hate it and we're moving rapidly in that direction. It's fucking bullshit. Uhg.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Moving On
It's one of the hardest things you could ever do, to walk away from something you care about, to let go of past pain, past hardship, past friendship. How do you let go and move on as if it doesn't affect you? I've done it so many times and sometimes I just have to wonder why.
To start with, schools. Yeah, self-inflicted pain. Over and over again. Because I went to a tiny private school for elementary school, I left my friends behind when I got to middle school. I got a transfer into Hoover Middle School, and if you know anything about that school you know that everyone, yes, EVERYONE, goes to Eldorado for high school. I had a transfer to Eldorado. I decided to go to La Cueva instead. "Because it'll be better for me and I will learn more and do better." Hahaha, we all saw how that worked out. I was miserable. That school was one of the reasons I was suicidal. So in my junior year, half way through the year, I left my friends there to go to Southwest Secondary Learning Center. Bad choice. But whatever. Educationally, it's what I needed. And I was not doing well at La Cueva. It really was time to leave. But now I was at an even more anti-social school where the teachers suck, I spent limited time there, and didn't talk to anyone. Yup. Maybe not the best choice but it was all I had. And then for college, when all my friends went to UNM, I went to ENMU. Where I knew quite literally nobody. Yup, way to sabotage myself.
Recently, it's been getting over exes and the best friends that have left me over the years. Moving on from things I've lost, like skating and dancing, friends like Maddie, Minion Twin, Kirsi, Evann, and Jalisa, exes like Sam and Chris, and recently, fighting for the life I lost. Life is hard.
So what do you do? Yeah, I've voluntarily uprooted and moved myself far away for the sole purpose of starting over. I've gone places and done things that completely changed everything I know. But moving on and acting like it doesn't affect you? How do you do that? How can I go on acting like I'm not hurting from all the shit that's gone on in my life? Maybe you never get over pain, maybe you just learn to live with it. But with an ever growing pain that only expands as time goes on rather than diminishes, how do you do that? I try to live life as if I don't have years of hurt building on one another but sometimes I wonder if all I do is live a lie, putting on a show for the rest of the world about how "okay" I am. And then I wonder, why?
To start with, schools. Yeah, self-inflicted pain. Over and over again. Because I went to a tiny private school for elementary school, I left my friends behind when I got to middle school. I got a transfer into Hoover Middle School, and if you know anything about that school you know that everyone, yes, EVERYONE, goes to Eldorado for high school. I had a transfer to Eldorado. I decided to go to La Cueva instead. "Because it'll be better for me and I will learn more and do better." Hahaha, we all saw how that worked out. I was miserable. That school was one of the reasons I was suicidal. So in my junior year, half way through the year, I left my friends there to go to Southwest Secondary Learning Center. Bad choice. But whatever. Educationally, it's what I needed. And I was not doing well at La Cueva. It really was time to leave. But now I was at an even more anti-social school where the teachers suck, I spent limited time there, and didn't talk to anyone. Yup. Maybe not the best choice but it was all I had. And then for college, when all my friends went to UNM, I went to ENMU. Where I knew quite literally nobody. Yup, way to sabotage myself.
Recently, it's been getting over exes and the best friends that have left me over the years. Moving on from things I've lost, like skating and dancing, friends like Maddie, Minion Twin, Kirsi, Evann, and Jalisa, exes like Sam and Chris, and recently, fighting for the life I lost. Life is hard.
So what do you do? Yeah, I've voluntarily uprooted and moved myself far away for the sole purpose of starting over. I've gone places and done things that completely changed everything I know. But moving on and acting like it doesn't affect you? How do you do that? How can I go on acting like I'm not hurting from all the shit that's gone on in my life? Maybe you never get over pain, maybe you just learn to live with it. But with an ever growing pain that only expands as time goes on rather than diminishes, how do you do that? I try to live life as if I don't have years of hurt building on one another but sometimes I wonder if all I do is live a lie, putting on a show for the rest of the world about how "okay" I am. And then I wonder, why?
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Thinking
So, recently the most thought provoking thing has come up and I have no idea what to make of it. Sam came back. Which isn't too surprising or anything because I was the one who started talking to him a little over a month ago. What's surprising is that he said he was sorry. For everything. That he was sorry for hurting me, sorry for leaving me the way he did, sorry for destroying my heart, sorry for being a dick, sorry for treating me like shit, sorry for not giving me the respect I deserve. And then he said he wanted to make it up to me and asked for a second chance. I don't know what to think.
For so long I was convinced he hated me, so convinced that he never loved me and that he just said he did. But when I think about it, I know it's not true. He says that he was as torn up about breaking up as I was, that he didn't even really know why we broke up because he didn't really want to either. We helped each other through so much. He was my best friend. I told him everything. He was always there for me. And yeah we had some bad times at the end but what couple doesn't when it's ending? For two years he was my life and I lost it all and it killed me, but now I have the possibility to get it back. The love of my life, the person I've cared for longer than I could care for myself, the person I never gave up on when everyone else did, the person who helped me through the darkest time of my life, I could have him back. So what's the problem, right?
Because it did end badly. There was some fucked up shit that happened. Stuff was said that was pretty hurtful. Weird shit happened. So what if that happens again? I've been doing well without him, so I could keep going, right? I knew at the time that we were better apart. And I told everyone I was better without him. And after some of the shit that happened between us that I told other people, well, they wouldn't be too pleased if we got back together.
Also, there's the people out here that I've been getting close to. Mel is awesome and I've been falling for him. But he doesn't feel the same. He is still in love with his ex and I know he can't feel for me until he moves past her. And sometimes I think I'd be better not worrying about him. But I still care for him way too much. Eustace is a super sweet guy and I know he cares about me, I just don't feel the same for him. I know he'd treat me well, but I don't deserve him and I care about him only as a friend. Chris, a.k.a. Monkey, is awesome and we get along great. I know he'd treat me well and I know he cares. I'm just having problems with feeling recently. With all my issues here, it's almost tempting to just drop it and go with what's easier back home, but at the same time I don't know if I can do it.
So I'm torn. Part of me is dying to go back to Sam because I still love him. Despite it being two years since we broke up. I still care about him and I can tell that he's different from who he used to be. Yeah, I'd have to deal with all the shit I'd get from a large portion of people if I did, but haven't I been doing that all semester with Mel and the Kappa Sigs? But then I'd have to leave behind people I care about here. And I don't know how easy it would be to just drop that. And I'd feel like such a selfish bitch. Uhg. I don't know what to do. So this is what I'm thinking about.
For so long I was convinced he hated me, so convinced that he never loved me and that he just said he did. But when I think about it, I know it's not true. He says that he was as torn up about breaking up as I was, that he didn't even really know why we broke up because he didn't really want to either. We helped each other through so much. He was my best friend. I told him everything. He was always there for me. And yeah we had some bad times at the end but what couple doesn't when it's ending? For two years he was my life and I lost it all and it killed me, but now I have the possibility to get it back. The love of my life, the person I've cared for longer than I could care for myself, the person I never gave up on when everyone else did, the person who helped me through the darkest time of my life, I could have him back. So what's the problem, right?
Because it did end badly. There was some fucked up shit that happened. Stuff was said that was pretty hurtful. Weird shit happened. So what if that happens again? I've been doing well without him, so I could keep going, right? I knew at the time that we were better apart. And I told everyone I was better without him. And after some of the shit that happened between us that I told other people, well, they wouldn't be too pleased if we got back together.
Also, there's the people out here that I've been getting close to. Mel is awesome and I've been falling for him. But he doesn't feel the same. He is still in love with his ex and I know he can't feel for me until he moves past her. And sometimes I think I'd be better not worrying about him. But I still care for him way too much. Eustace is a super sweet guy and I know he cares about me, I just don't feel the same for him. I know he'd treat me well, but I don't deserve him and I care about him only as a friend. Chris, a.k.a. Monkey, is awesome and we get along great. I know he'd treat me well and I know he cares. I'm just having problems with feeling recently. With all my issues here, it's almost tempting to just drop it and go with what's easier back home, but at the same time I don't know if I can do it.
So I'm torn. Part of me is dying to go back to Sam because I still love him. Despite it being two years since we broke up. I still care about him and I can tell that he's different from who he used to be. Yeah, I'd have to deal with all the shit I'd get from a large portion of people if I did, but haven't I been doing that all semester with Mel and the Kappa Sigs? But then I'd have to leave behind people I care about here. And I don't know how easy it would be to just drop that. And I'd feel like such a selfish bitch. Uhg. I don't know what to do. So this is what I'm thinking about.
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