Moving On

It's one of the hardest things you could ever do, to walk away from something you care about, to let go of past pain, past hardship, past friendship. How do you let go and move on as if it doesn't affect you? I've done it so many times and sometimes I just have to wonder why.

To start with, schools. Yeah, self-inflicted pain. Over and over again. Because I went to a tiny private school for elementary school, I left my friends behind when I got to middle school. I got a transfer into Hoover Middle School, and if you know anything about that school you know that everyone, yes, EVERYONE, goes to Eldorado for high school. I had a transfer to Eldorado. I decided to go to La Cueva instead. "Because it'll be better for me and I will learn more and do better." Hahaha, we all saw how that worked out. I was miserable. That school was one of the reasons I was suicidal. So in my junior year, half way through the year, I left my friends there to go to Southwest Secondary Learning Center. Bad choice. But whatever. Educationally, it's what I needed. And I was not doing well at La Cueva. It really was time to leave. But now I was at an even more anti-social school where the teachers suck, I spent limited time there, and didn't talk to anyone. Yup. Maybe not the best choice but it was all I had. And then for college, when all my friends went to UNM, I went to ENMU. Where I knew quite literally nobody. Yup, way to sabotage myself.

Recently, it's been getting over exes and the best friends that have left me over the years. Moving on from things I've lost, like skating and dancing, friends like Maddie, Minion Twin, Kirsi, Evann, and Jalisa, exes like Sam and Chris, and recently, fighting for the life I lost. Life is hard.

So what do you do? Yeah, I've voluntarily uprooted and moved myself far away for the sole purpose of starting over. I've gone places and done things that completely changed everything I know. But moving on and acting like it doesn't affect you? How do you do that? How can I go on acting like I'm not hurting from all the shit that's gone on in my life? Maybe you never get over pain, maybe you just learn to live with it. But with an ever growing pain that only expands as time goes on rather than diminishes, how do you do that? I try to live life as if I don't have years of hurt building on one another but sometimes I wonder if all I do is live a lie, putting on a show for the rest of the world about how "okay" I am. And then I wonder, why?