Thursday, August 28, 2008

Just a simple Update

Yuppers, so I haven't updated in a while. Let's see, classes started. They actually aren't too bad. I'm on top of my homework which is REALLY weird for me. Yesterday I rearranged all the furniture in my room. My roommate and I get along great. A whole bunch of fraternity parties keep happening in the middle of the week so I can't go. Well, okay, I'm not even that interested to go. Still, there's one tonight that sounds like loads of fun but I can't go because it starts to late and I have class early. Bleh. I get to go home soon and get my car =D I've been hanging out with my friend Kim a lot. It's good stuff =]

Sunday, August 24, 2008


So my friend Kim wanted to go to church today because she's exploring the different churches in the area and she wanted a buddy to go with her so I volunteered. Well, we went to Calvary Baptist Church. If you know me and my religious views, you know this would be a bit...interesting... I am part Wiccan, part Buddhist, and part Science of Mind (refer back to my blog post where I talk about my church ACSL). I wasn't too enthused about going to a church where they praise Jesus like a he's a God himself and where they focus on intense religious aspects. It's not that I mind what they believe, it's just that I don't really like to go with it. Anyway, we get there and something happened while we were there.

During the service it finally clicked on what my church has been telling me for ages. It's something I've known for years, but I don't think that I fully grasped it mind and soul until today. God is in everything, and you should be able to see it in everyone and everything. As Siddhartha Gautama, the founder of Buddhism, puts it, "He who experiences the unity of life sees his own Self i all beings, and all beings in his own Self, and looks on everything with an impartial eye." That saying is on a poster in my dorm room, and I see it every day. In church they tell us the same basic thing over and over again. And I thought I understood that. Apparently I was wrong.

While I was at the CBC, I realized that I hadn't gotten it at all. I was trying to see myself in the people there, and I couldn't do it. I tried to be open minded but I wasn't. All I could think about was how I didn't believe what they said and if they found out what I really thought they'd all go insane trying to save my soul and how I had to pretend that I agreed with everything the way everyone else did so that I wouldn't draw more attention to myself than I already had by being one of the few younger people in the congregation. Then, while we were singing hymns, I started singing the song Spirit in the House, by Jami Lula, and then it all clicked.

Suddenly I felt love and compassion towards everyone in the building. Suddenly, it didn't matter that what I felt was different, because I could feel where they were coming from in the depths of my being. I could find the part of me that was in them and the part of them that was in me and suddenly, we were family. I felt love and compassion for them as I would never have expected and suddenly I was bursting with joy and happiness that I immediately started radiating into the room. It wasn't until that moment, when I was surrounded by people that I would never be with, that I finally got it.

Sure, it's easy to accept people who are similar to yourself. It's easy to see yourself in others and others in yourself when you are on a similar wavelength. It's so much harder to do the same thing with people that are completely different from yourself. I didn't really understand that to the core of my being until today, surrounded by people that I would never have surrounded myself by willingly. It's like Jesus said, "Love your enemies." (at least, I think that's what he said). Yeah, it's easy to love your friends and family, but it's so much harder to really love you enemies. It's taken me years to actually get this. In my head I understood, but it wasn't until today that my heart learned it, too.

Thursday, August 21, 2008


You know, an interesting thought occurred to me today while I was in the shower.

I personally feel awake and refreshed after I take a shower. It's nice, soothing, relaxing. I feel good and invigorated and just overall good. I know others feel similarly. When we feel upset or gross or dirty or something from events that happen in life, we take a shower to wash it away. When we're upset, we can just sit in running water and it's like the water's just washing away all the pain. When we're happy we don't shower because we're too distracted by life.

Anyway, showers are cleansing. It's like the running water washes away the pain and heals the wounds we have. It's amazing. I don't understand. If you get it better than I do, please share =]


I finally got my computer registered, and now, after almost a week of waiting, I have the Internet in my room. This is most excellent!!! So, hopefully I should be able to post a lot more when I do and I'll be on the Internet more often now that it's so easy to get on. Yay!!!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

First Day of Classes

Yuppers, today was the first day of actually school. Dawg Days is over and the summer-camp buzz I've been running on for the past few days is over. I already ahve a ridiculous amount of homework, but at least my class for tomorrow was cancelled so I can just do my work all day. It is pretty good stuff.

Kappa Sigma, the fraternity whose house is across the street from my dorm is really loud. They're out every night partying. Not that I mind too much, but tonight they are having a party where they invited practically the whole school and let's just say that getting some sleep tonight is not going to be an easy feat.

Anyhow, tomorrow I should be getting my computer registered so that I can finally have internet on my computer. Man, I've been getting withdrawals. It's a bad sign.

I'll be sure to keep you posted. Life is going just nifty and so hopefully it'll stay this good =]

Peace out!! =P

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

School is Fantastic

Sorry about posting stuff mainly on how school is going, but to be honest, orientation's been taking up all of my time. I've been meeting new people and all of it has got me going so much that I haven't even really had time to think about much else. Deep thoughts will be posted again eventually, but right now, you're going to have to tolerate the learning and exploring of the whole "college experience". Then again, isn't that what this blog is supposed to be about?

So this girl that I met yesterday is freakin' awesome and she totally made my day today. She lives across the hall from me and *shockingly* our first class tomorrow is the same. Definitely made my day. So right now we're just chillaxing in our dorm's computer lab and I'm typing this and she's doing the whole e-mail thing and we're chilling. I'm thinking of getting pictures of the campus to post up. Anyway, things are going well. Orientation is almost over. Classes start in the morning. Life is fantastic. The weather's been a bit weird, but other than that things are cool. Still needing that internet connection in my room, though...

Sunday, August 17, 2008


Well, school is going well. Today I met about five people. Also, I went dancing, hung out, powned at cards, and overall I had a good day. I am looking forward to tomorrow. Hopefully my posts will get longer when I have internet access in my room =]

I've Moved

I am now living in Portales at ENMU. It's pretty neat. I'm still pretty shy though so it's kind of interesting being here. I didn't meet my roommate yet. It looks like I have a different roommate and she didn't come for the first day yesterday. Hopefully she'll be here by Wednesday. Something was up with the keys in my dorm so I lack keys for my room. That's interesting. Still, I should have them by Monday.

Last night we had an awesome fireworks show. It was pretty intense, they were really loud and then the sound echoed off of all the buildings. It's crazy stuff.

Anyway, I'm a bit shy so it's making me nervous about this afternoon, well, okay the rest of Dawg Days, but hopefully I'll have a good time. We just have to wait and see.

Friday, August 15, 2008

The Nerves are Kicking In

Definitely. In the morning, I'm leaving for Portales. In 24 hours' time, I'm going to be moved in and talking with my family for the last moments I'll have with them. Then I'm on my own.

It's a scary thought, knowing that you have to be on your own. When you leave for school, it suddenly hits you: you aren't a kid anymore. You have to pay for what you need, your parents aren't there to nag you about everything. Your life is suddenly in your hands, and you look like a deer in the headlights wondering what the hell you're going to do with it. It's at times like these where you realize that you have the power over your life and where it's going. It isn't your parents, your family, your friends, your school, or society telling you where you're going and what you're doing. It's all about you. It's a weird feeling. It makes you scared. Can't lie, I am scared shitless right now. But I'm also one of the most excited people you will meet.

That's the other feeling you get when you hit this moment in life. Excitement. Suddenly, you're free. Freedom is an awesome feeling. But guess what? It's scary too. But hey, it's all up to you. You can go to school, you can drop out, you can get a job, you can get married, you can have kids, you can travel the world. Life is yours and you can do what you want with it. Once you realize this, you feel...empowered. At least, I do. I'm excited for all of this. I want to go. I want the freedom. I want the ability to rule my own life.

Anyway, this is what's really bugging me right now. I'm mostly packed (I think...) and so now it's just making sure it's all put together before I leave in the morning. I have to see my remaining friends once more before I leave. And then my new life begins.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

I'm a Writer

Did you guys know that? Recently I just put together a binder done up all nice and shmexy full of all the poetry I wrote during my senior year. It's pretty cool. Well, you probably won't see it, but if you want to see my writing there is somewhere you can go to find it. I post poems I write on a different blog. You can either get there by viewing my profile then by clicking the link to it on that page, or you can go to I'd say it's pretty cool. A lot of my thoughts and feelings come through on my poetry (which is mostly what I write), so it's a bit interesting to look at. I don't post as often on there, but when I write new stuff I post it. So go, read, and enjoy =]

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I Was a Twin

Okay, officially, no I wasn't. But my sister and I have an interesting theory. If you've ever met my sister, you know we're a lot alike. Ever since we were little, people would ask us if we were twins. What was weird when we were younger is that I was a foot taller than her and people still thought we were. Silly, I know. Anyway, we have a theory.

Our theory is this: we were supposed to be twins. If you look at my blog where I talk about choosing parents and interacting with other beings on the spiritual planes, this theory makes sense. Here's our logic for it. My mom had a miscarriage before she had me. My sister and I think that that child was actually supposed to be both of us, born into this world as twins. However, we also feel that our mom's body wouldn't have been able to handle twins and neither could our parents just trying to raise them. As a result, we came separately when the time was right.

Now, there is my sister and myself. We are three years apart but we also look pretty similar and act similarly. We have those "freaky twin things" where we'll say entire sentences at the same time, same pace, same tempo, same everything. We think alike and act alike. People who don't know us very well but meet us together think we're twins. They always freak out when they find out we aren't. So, we think that we were supposed to be twins all along, and that we really are, just that we have a three year gap without the other.

*Note: The picture is of my sister and me at my high school graduation this past may. Sorry that it's a really crappy picture; I'm lacking a better one. Hopefully when my sister gets home from school today I can get a new one. My sister, Stephanie, is on the left. I am on the right.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

My Life is SO Weird

My life nowadays always seems to have a way of working its way right back where I want it. I don't know how, it just always does. Every time something comes and knocks it out of whack, it finds its way back and I have no idea how. Here's my two guesses: 1. I have REALLY GOOD karma. 2. I am a master at the Law of Attraction. Why do I say this? Mainly because Jarrod and I are still friends and I'm not ready to kill Lynsie anymore.

So let's start with the first theory, I have FANTASTIC karma. I'm not going to deny that one. If you've ever looked at my life you will notice that I always get great things happening to me. Just as things are starting to look bad something good always comes along. I'm not kidding, my karmic energy is phenomenal. I'm not sure how, maybe I can save karmic energy from past lives and let it all accumulate (like roll-over minutes haha lol roll-0ver karma points lmao). Either way, karma always seems to be in my favor. At least, nowadays. But then again, doesn't karma sort of tie into the Law of Attraction?

So the second theory, I'm a master at the Law of Attraction*. This makes sense. If you don't know me, let me enlighten you. A couple years ago I was seriously depressed. I was suicidal. Yes, I was cutting. I contemplated suicide on a fairly regular basis and for all those who did know me at that time, you know that nothing helped. I had to see a councilor, I was put on mood-stabilizers (because I'm a bit bipolar), and still, nothing was really making a difference. Now you are probably wondering how this applies to me being a master of the Law of Attraction. Well, it's simple. Take the negative side of that Law and you had me: the Master of Negativity. Here's what I kept thinking over and over and over again:

1. My life sucks.
2. My parents hate me.
3. No one at school likes me.
4. I have no friends.
5. My sister is a bitch who is out to ruin my life.
6. I'm fat.

These six things were what I thought about all the time. Now, we know the universe likes to give you what you ask for. So what happened? I got all of the above tenfold. It sucked. Basically it turned out like so:

1. I hated everything in life and was miserable enough to be suicidal.
2. My parents and I fought all the time.
3. People at school gave me dirty looks and talked shit about me behind my back.
4. My friends stopped talking to me and left me alone.
5. My sister and I would yell and fight (yes, physically too) at every opportunity.
6. I gained 40 lbs in a year.

Yeah, Law of Attraction works alright. And guess what? I had to learn that the hard way. I had to learn that I made my life exactly that. I had to learn the hard way that I lost everything I cared about most because I was so damn negative. What a lot of people probably don't know, however, is that is was my friend and soon-to-be boyfriend, Sam, that helped me out of it. How? Well, he was in the same position I was, and as soon as I started to see what he was doing, it snapped me out of it. I saw what he was doing and it got me out of my introspective nightmare. I realized that everything he was doing to himself was an exact reflection of what I was doing to myself. Together, we both grew out of it and moved on. If you've talked to me recently, you know I've talked a lot of trash about Sam, but the truth is, I still owe him my life. He helped me more than anyone could and saved my life. I still have to respect that. It was because of him that I could see how my thoughts made my life exactly that. When my thoughts were a lie, the universe turned it into a truth. That's how I learned about the Law of Attraction.

It wasn't until this past year, however, that I really started to get how to be positive. It really hit me when Sam and I broke up (yeah, we were together for almost two years. He was my first boyfriend. It ended badly. We don't talk anymore). After that moment, I started to really see things. I got out of a world that existed of only two people, Sam and myself. I started to see the world for what it was. I saw people and really saw them for the first time. I started to realize that I had friends. My parents and I get along great. My sister is one of my many best friends. I'm losing weight. I'm going to a school that's right for me. Everything in my life is going exactly the way I want it to. People always wish that their lives could be perfect. Mine already is. I'm surrounded by great people. I learn something new every day. I have a huge circle of friends. Life is amazing. And I made it happen.

So hwo does this apply to me now? Well, Jarrod is talking to me and we're still good friends (yes, name of said guy that I've liked for ages is Jarrod. I'm tired of alluding to him). I'm not so angry at my cousin anymore. I forgive her. And life just went back to the way it was before yesterday blew up in my face. Strange. My life is SO weird.


*For those of you who don't understand, it's a simple concept. Basically, what you put out is what you get back threefold (or close to anyway). So let's say you send out a small, marble-sized amount of love to someone you know. In turn, the universe will give you back a bowling ball portion of love. Let's say you send out a toothpick of negativity to someone. You will get back a javelin-sized negative reaction in your face. It follows very close to the idea of karma, it just has a different name and a little clearer definition.

Monday, August 11, 2008

My Heart Feels Destroyed

Yesterday, the guy that I've been crushing on for months basically started hitting it off with my cousin. They've only seen each other twice. Yeah, it sucks. My cousin knew how I felt a month ago. Anyone who saw me and this guy together could tell that I liked him. A LOT. What set me off: 1) I felt like he was trying to avoid me randomly (which is weird because for the past month anyone paying any attention to the two of us at all would have been able to tell that I liked him and he probably liked me back as any observer noted to me) 2) He started texting my cousin (not that I really care, but there was a twinge of jealousy because he was talking to her more than he talked to me and I was always trying to be there for him) the ENTIRE day 3) When I tried to talk to him he wasn't talking back (via text) 4) He was acting unusually distant towards me when I saw him 5) He started flirting with my cousin a bunch 6) For the last hour and a half that I was there (he, my sister, my cousin, and myself were all at his house watching Casino Royale and then the Olympics) he was holding hands with her nonstop. Man, I feel like someone ripped out my heart, ground it into a bloody pulp, and then shoved it back down my throat. It sucks. It's the first time anything like this ever happened to me. First of all, I have been falling for him for the past two months (getting closer to three now). Second, I thought he liked me back, but I guess I was wrong. Third, it was my cousin of all people. I trusted her with everything, I told her everything and how I felt and quite literally everything and then the second time she sees him she's all over him and he's all over her. Oh yeah, and as we were leaving, he gave her this huge hug that lasted for freaking ever. Uhg. I feel like shit. I feel betrayed by both of them. I feel like my heart's been ripped into a million pieces and then spit on by two people that I greatly cared about. Guess it's a new experience that I get to have for myself after-all. It sucks.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Spiritual Life

I went to church* this morning and it was a little different from normal. My friend Corey came with me (Jarrod was supposed to come too but he had to work). I'm in the Young Adult group (18-22; high school graduates) and I was the only one there today who's been going to this church for more than a couple of months. So what we did today was basically go over the history of The Science of Mind and go over some of its basic teachings. Part of our conversation came up to the concepts discussed in The Celestine Prophecy and what happens in the afterlife and what goes into reincarnation. The one that made me really think was about how we may choose who our parents are going to be while we are still living in a purely spiritual plane in between lives.

This wasn't the first time I'd heard this idea, however it was the first time I heard it from church. Still, it kind of makes sense. My dad once saw a hypnotherapist and something he talked about was being before he was born and deciding who his parents were going to be. It was interesting how he described it and it really did make a lot of sense. Today, I heard my friend and teacher, Carol, talk about it in class today about how she feels that this idea is correct. She told us of how she must have chosen her parents for the lessons they would teach her. The way she talked about it really made me feel like it must be true.

Still, the issue I came across was why I would have chosen my parents. In both my dad and Carol's cases, I could see why it was that they would have chosen their parents, but I think about my own parents and it's much more difficult for me to see it. Sure, I learned a lot from my parents (they've only been raising me for the past 17 years) but for me to think of something specifically about them that would make me choose them out of any other couple on the planet, that was significantly more difficult.

I am a firm believer in an afterlife. My vision of it consists of the planes described in the novel What Dreams May Come, by Richard Matheson (yes, the book. The movie was good, but I'm talking about the book here. Very different). I also believe in reincarnation. I feel that between lives we spend time in the spiritual planes learning and growing as souls, so that when we come back again we main gain even more insight then the life before. During this time between physical lives I can see us discussing, talking, thinking, and sharing ideas for who we will be and who we will become in the next life. If we do that, it would only make sense that we could decide who are parents are and for different reasons. But I still am not sure why I would have chosen mine. Maybe I didn't choose them, maybe they chose me.

I've been told by my mom that I've taught her a lot, and that the biggest thing she's learned from me is how to lighten up. My mom used to be really up tight and stressed out. She was OCD about cleaning and neatness. It's only been recently that she's been able to take a step back in life and mellow out. She doesn't feel guilty anymore for taking an indulgent moment for herself. She doesn't take everything quite so personally, and I'd say she's much more pleasant to live with. She says it's because of me. So that leads me to wonder if maybe she was the one who chose me, rather than the other way around. What if she chose me because she wanted to learn how to relax and live life a little and she knew I could teach her? Or, what if she wanted someone to teach her and others in the spiritual realm assigned me to her, to help her grow?

Another idea, what if I was chosen to be with my parents by other spiritual beings? What if I was assigned to my parents to be a teacher to them? What if I was sent to them so that I would be presented with more opportunities to bring me closer to my purpose in life? And there we find ourselves in a completely different realm: Life Purpose. The question that puzzles us all, why are we here and what is our purpose? Maybe we know in between lives and we have to be able to find it and live it in the physical plane.

For me, I've been getting a growing sense of what my purpose is. I feel that I am to teach others about being complete with themselves. I think I am supposed to be here to help people learn to heal and grow spiritually so that they may achieve a higher spiritual level of well-being. This is all a theory, but the more time I've spent considering it the more likely it seems. Still, I need to think about that some more. But let's say that this was my purpose in life. If it was, I would have chosen my parents for the opportunities they provided me with. Without them, I wouldn't have learned about keeping an open mind and growing. I wouldn't have had the freedom to explore what I believe, what I feel, and what I think about life, love, religion, philosophy, etc. This all seems very probable. So maybe that's why I'm here and why I am who I am and why I know the people I know.

Anyway, I know it sounds like a crazy idea, to be the one to decide who your parents are, rather than having no control at all. Still, you should think about it. What if you did choose who your parents were? Why would you have chosen them? Even if they seemed bad, what about them made you who you are? It doesn't hurt to think about it, even just a little bit.


*Albuquerque Center for Spiritual Living
-Officially we are a church but we are very different from your average church. Basically what we teach is a philosophy on how to live life to your benefit. We're very open-minded and we accept everyone. We're just happy people.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

New Hair

Okay, yeah, I know, really shallow topic. Hey, a girl's allowed to have her shallow, superficial moments every once and a while, can't she? Anyway, I got my hair cut today and it looks freakin' fantastic!!! I love it!! Man, I didn't think I would, and at first I thought I was doing a bad job, but the longer I'm living with it the better and better I like it. Ah, great stuff =] When I have a picture I will add it up.

On a side note: I appear to be failing at posting every day. I know, I know. I'm not just failing. I'm failing epically. In copious amounts. My three favorite words, failure, epic, and copious (don't ask me why they're my favorites, they just are), my favorite sentence to utilize all three, and it applies to me. I just failed epically in copious amounts. I know. I'm going to try. Life is just...insane. I'm doing my best. Keep up the support.

Monday, August 4, 2008


I'm not sure if I mentioned it on here, but this year I was supposed to be on the ENMU spirit squad (dancing portion). Well, today I decided that it's not going to happen. This is for a lot of reasons, but my main reason is that I feel that I am going to be too overwhelmed with the time dance takes to be able to focus on school. My plan is to wait a year and see how it goes, and hopefully I will be able to do dance in the 2009-2010 school year. I'm sad about not dancing, but also happy at the same time. It's a huge weight off of my shoulders and hey, if all goes well I will be dancing again next year. The only thing I need to worry about is making sure that I can stay in shape and keep my flexibility. Shouldn't be too hard, but we'll see. I'm determined that I want my flexibility, so I'm going to make sure I don't lose that one. Only issue is endurance, I guess. I can already feel that one fading. Crap.