Reactions

You know, I was a little hesitant to post my last post because I knew that some of the reactions I'd get for doing a post like that would be people freaking out that I'm suicidal. But honestly, I'm not. All that happened was I read a book where suicide was the main theme. I know that a lot of people don't know a lot about it or how to deal with people who are suicidal, so I figured I would use my past experiences and personal knowledge on it to share with others who don't know as much as I do.

I'm not suicidal. Have I been in the past? Yes. Am I now? No. That's in my past. I have grown as a person beyond that point where I started to think that was my only way out. And no, it wasn't easy. It never is. But let me tell you, after having been there, I fight very hard to avoid going back there. It sucks and I hate it. So I work not to be there.

But the point of my suicide post is to bring understanding about a taboo subject in our society. I think it's tragic that it isn't talked about more. But then again, it's the taboo subjects that are always my favorite. Still, suicide hits home for me. And I know how much it hurts when society keeps it so "hush hush" when it needs to be talked about because it is a serious issue. So that's what I hoped to do with my post. To bring understanding and light to a commonly misunderstood subject. Some people got that and really appreciated it. Other people got a little too worried. But it's okay, I'm alright. I promise =]

Things I wish I had the balls to say to people

1. I loved you. I really did. But you took that and destroyed it into hundreds of thousands of little pieces. And I don't think you understand the depth at which you destroyed me. I was a mess for two years and now you come back wanting to make it all better. I hate it. But I think I've moved on. I don't mind being your friend but I want nothing more because you've hurt me so bad that I can't not feel it. My body has gone numb to you and I don't feel anything for you. And I don't know if I ever will. So maybe we can be friends. But I can't pour my heart into you. And maybe you changed, and while I can see the compassion in your eyes you're still the exact same person you were when I left you. And I need more than that in my life. So thanks for teaching me how to get the fuck over you and move on with my life. But please, let me be happy with someone else.

2. I might love you. Maybe. But you know what sucks? You still love your ex. And let me tell you, I know exactly how that goes. And you know what else that means? It doesn't matter how much I care about you. It doesn't matter that I might possibly love you because in the end you won't feel shit about me because you still love her. I've fought tooth and nail for you for five months. You tell me you've done nothing with other people and yet I have friends who've said they've seen you with others. So who do I believe? I stand up for you, I fight for you, and yet you are still so in love with her that you can't see that. So why am I still fighting? Why am I still trying? We're just going to keep using each other for momentary pleasure and comfort while we lose ourselves in the depths of our minds. Neither one of us opens up to the other because we're scared shitless. But love takes work and if you didn't get hurt then it wasn't worth it. So I'm going to move on. I'm sorry. I tried. I tried to be there for you when no one else would. But you always kept me at a distance. So now I need to move on because I need someone to be there for me when I need them and you're not.

3. What the fuck happened to you? You were such a sweet guy? Honestly, I did care about you. Maybe I didn't love you. But I did care. And you threw that away! What the hell?! Why did you become like this? If it was because of me, I'm sorry. I know I have the tendency to destroy people. Especially the ones closest to me. But still. You had your friends and yet you turned your back on every single one of them and became someone you're not. If I could have told you six months ago about the person you are now, I think you would laugh and say that's ridiculous. But I can't say anything to you now because you won't listen to me or anyone else. What happened to you? It hurts seeing you like this. I just wish you could see. And maybe we could understand why. It just doesn't make sense. I told you everything and you left, too. Way too lie like everyone else. Thanks.

4. Seriously, I'm not angry that you wanted sex and that's the only reason you began talking to me. I'm not angry about that. I could really care less. Honestly, you have no idea how many guys have just come up to me and said, "Hey, I want to fuck you." It happens. What I'm angry about is that you made me believe you were different. You convinced me that you were there for me, that you were interested in me, that you saw me as a person that no one else saw me as this whole semester. You took me seriously, listened to my thoughts, my opinions, my ideas. You took time to understand me. You asked me about myself. You acted like you wanted to know me. It meant so much to me because no one's done that, just ask question after question about me not because they felt they had to but because they honestly wanted to. And then I found out that all of that was a lie. I honestly believe that it did change. I believe you when you say that it moved beyond sex. Even though we never did, I know you wanted to. But I know that wasn't your driving motive. It just bothers me that when you came to me under the pretext of wanting to know me unlike everyone else who just saw me as a stupid blond who can't think and is just another sorority girl, it hurt to find out that all you had wanted was sex. Just like everyone else. That's why I was angry. Because it felt like everything that had made the basis of our friendship was a lie. I felt like I couldn't trust you anymore. I felt like suddenly it didn't matter what I said, you didn't actually care. That's why I was angry. I felt betrayed and like I'd lost yet another close friend.

5. I'm just not interested. Stop asking me for sex. Stop asking me for alone time. You aren't the only one asking either. But I'm not just an object for you to use and manipulate. So leave me the fuck alone and let me get on with my life. Casually fucking isn't something I do. So find someone else.

6. Stop treating me like you're fucking superior to me!!! You aren't! The world does not revolve around you. You're an insecure child. Stop acting like you know everything and that I know nothing. I'm not just pretty, there's more to me than that. But you wouldn't actually know that unless you talked to me. But no, it's just you who does all the talking and talking down on me. Leave me the fuck alone. If you can't respect me I wish you could just let me be.

7. I like you, but only as a friend. I don't know what they told you about me, but I'm fucked up this semester. Sure, I may be awesome when my shit's together, but it's not right now. And I like you as a person, but I can't see anything more than friendship between us. So tell them to stop pushing you. I know you deserve a great person in your life, but I can also tell you that right now that person isn't me. I'm only going to hurt you more. So please, let me be.

8. I like you. I really do. And you know what? Maybe we can be more than friends. You're funny, you're smart, you make me laugh. You think, you're Greek, and you're close by. You care, you'd treat me well, and you have a fantastic choice in books. I think that things could really work out. Since I'm moving on from other people, I really want to pursue you. You seem super awesome and I want to see where this goes. No matter what anyone thinks.

9. I'm not perfect. Get over it. I know you don't know the semester I've had, but I've been doing damn good despite that. I know I wasn't perfect, but don't hold it against me. I won't bring her down with me, she's smarter than that. I know she has more of a future than I do. So focus on her. She loves you guys. But don't take it for granted because it won't always be there if you do.

10. Girl, I miss you like crazy. What the fuck? But you're always busy. Always. I want to spend time with you. We hardly ever see each other. But I miss you and you say you miss me too but yet you don't try to see me. I know your life is important to you. I can respect that. But sometimes I just need a friend who's been there through it all to give me a hug and let me cry because boys are stupid and break hearts. And everyone needs some girl time.

11. Stop bitching. Your life is fine. Stop harassing me. You don't take my advice anyway. So get the fuck over it, stop making all this drama for you, and grow up. If you really wanted my advice, you'd take it and then you wouldn't keep running into the same problems. Trust me, it's getting old.

12. You are awesome. I'm sorry I'm not there for you more. You really are amazing. I'm sorry I fail at being a good sister to you.

13. You guys fucking suck. I wish you hadn't gotten the offices you did. I'm sure there were better people for it. But it's too late now so I'll suck it up. I just thought you guys should know.

14. I know you guys care, but can you please back the fuck off. I'm making my own mistakes that I can use later to learn from. These are experiences I need, and it doesn't help to have you acting like my parent. Just be my friend and be there for me when it all blows up in my face just like you said it would.

Medication

Yeah, I'm bipolar, and yes, I'm medicated for it. And if you saw how I was before I got meds, and you saw how I was after I got them, you know they help. So you're probably wondering why I went almost three months without them after 8 months on them. I know I need them, so why wouldn't I just make a simple phone call? I kept saying it was because I didn't like calling people and that I was too busy, but that really wasn't it. The truth is, I hate being medicated.

It isn't that weird shit happens to me or that it takes away from who I am or anything like that. On the contrary, I'm way better when I'm on them. I know that. My thing is that I wish I didn't have to be dependent on some kind of chemical to make me normal. I was able to live the first 18 years of my life without it and being relatively sane, so why couldn't I do it now, right? Being dependent on something just makes me feel weak, like I can't provide for myself. I feel like I fail because I can't be normal because I'm stuck taking medication so that I don't go from suicidal to high-risk behavior to angry to overly confident to apathetic to super bubbly. I hate it. So I didn't replace my meds for almost three months because I wanted to prove to myself that I could live without them and be fine. And it took me that long to figure out that I can't And now I just feel like a failure.

My councilor that I'm seeing right now says that being bipolar is a chemical condition that I can't control. It doesn't change the fact that I feel like I should be able to have full control over my body and I don't. I know I can't do anything about it and that I have to have the medication to be normal. Too bad it sucks and I wish with everything I have that I wasn't this way. Hell, I've only taken two pills and I'm already feeling better. I mean, fuck. Why do I have to be like this? This is one of the worst feelings ever. Plus, have you ever looked at side effects of these medications? It's ridiculous!! Let me tell you what the side affects are listed for on what I'm taking:

SIDE EFFECTS that may occur while taking this medicine include decreased sexual desire or ability; diarrhea; dizziness; drowsiness; dry mouth; increased sweating; lightheadedness when you stand or sit up; loss of appetite; nausea; stuffy nose; or tiredness. If they continue or are bothersome, check with your doctor. CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY if you experience absent menstrual period; bizarre behavior; black or bloody stools; chest pain; confusion; decreased concentration; decreased coordination; fainting; fast or irregular heartbeat; hallucination; memory loss; new or worsening agitation, panic attacks, aggressiveness, impulsiveness, irritability, hostility, exaggerated feeling of well-being, restlessness, or inability to sit still; persistent, painful erection; red, swollen, blistered, or peeling skin; seizures; severe or persistent anxiety or trouble sleeping; severe or persistent headache; stomach pain; suicidal thoughts or attempts; tremor; unusual bruising or bleeding; unusual weakness; unusual or severe mental or mood changes; vision changes; or worsening of depression. AN ALLERGIC REACTION to this medicine is unlikely, but seek immediate medical attention if it occurs. Symptoms of an allergic reaction include rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue. This is not a complete list of all side effects that may occur. If you have questions about side effects, contact your health care provider. Call your doctor for medical advice about side effects. You may report side effects to FDA at 1-800-FDA-1088

Dead serious, that is the list, word for word, given to me by the pharmacy with the mediation. How are you supposed to feel when you read something like that, knowing that a drug that has the potential to do all of that is being voluntarily placed in your body for the hope of getting "better"? I mean, really, it's scary shit. And then I wonder what kind of stuff that happens to me is a side effect of the medication or just me being crazy. How do I know if it is really working the way it's supposed to or to its full potential? It just sucks.

I hate being medicated. I hate saying that I need it. I hate knowing I need it. What's worse is telling people about it. You tell someone you're bipolar and they flip out on you thinking that you're going to go crazy on them. Look, I'm fine. I think. Maybe I'm not. Maybe it is the safe thing for people to stay away from me; fewer people would be hurt by me then. I'm tired of making people hurt because of me. Maybe I should just go elsewhere or excommunicate myself so that people will stop being hurt because of me.

Personality

I have a question to you who take the time out of your busy lives to read this blog. Is it wrong to be true to yourself? On face value, I'd say no. But then you have to look a bit closer. What if who you really are isn't who people think? What if who you really are is, to put it nicely, very unfriendly? Society teaches us to be true to ourselves, but we're also taught that there is the ideal person that we all should strive to be. I've been that person my whole life, but what if who I really am is the complete opposite? Would it still be correct to be true to myself, or should I keep who I really am under the highest security lock-down my mind can create? Who I am is not what others want me to be, in fact, it's the exact opposite. On face value, I should say, "To hell with you!!" and move on with my life being who I am and never taking a moment to think about what others think of me, let alone what they want me to be. But if who I really am is a "monster" (at least, as seen my the whole of society), should I really do that, or should I keep on the path that was set before me by the world as a whole? It's a question I've been thinking of. While I think the outcome is unavoidable, I thought I'd pose the question to you. What do you think?

Insomnia

You know what really sucks? Being uber tired but being really awake. Yup. I'm wide awake but I really need to sleep. Uhg. I went to sleep around 7 because I started to get a migraine, and then around ten I woke up because I couldn't sleep anymore. My body temperature keeps going up and down, so that keeps waking me up, too. Bleh. This is no bueno. Rawr.

I'm a Writer

Did you guys know that? Recently I just put together a binder done up all nice and shmexy full of all the poetry I wrote during my senior year. It's pretty cool. Well, you probably won't see it, but if you want to see my writing there is somewhere you can go to find it. I post poems I write on a different blog. You can either get there by viewing my profile then by clicking the link to it on that page, or you can go to poetryofthought-krista.blogspot.com. I'd say it's pretty cool. A lot of my thoughts and feelings come through on my poetry (which is mostly what I write), so it's a bit interesting to look at. I don't post as often on there, but when I write new stuff I post it. So go, read, and enjoy =]

I Was a Twin

Okay, officially, no I wasn't. But my sister and I have an interesting theory. If you've ever met my sister, you know we're a lot alike. Ever since we were little, people would ask us if we were twins. What was weird when we were younger is that I was a foot taller than her and people still thought we were. Silly, I know. Anyway, we have a theory.

Our theory is this: we were supposed to be twins. If you look at my blog where I talk about choosing parents and interacting with other beings on the spiritual planes, this theory makes sense. Here's our logic for it. My mom had a miscarriage before she had me. My sister and I think that that child was actually supposed to be both of us, born into this world as twins. However, we also feel that our mom's body wouldn't have been able to handle twins and neither could our parents just trying to raise them. As a result, we came separately when the time was right.

Now, there is my sister and myself. We are three years apart but we also look pretty similar and act similarly. We have those "freaky twin things" where we'll say entire sentences at the same time, same pace, same tempo, same everything. We think alike and act alike. People who don't know us very well but meet us together think we're twins. They always freak out when they find out we aren't. So, we think that we were supposed to be twins all along, and that we really are, just that we have a three year gap without the other.

*Note: The picture is of my sister and me at my high school graduation this past may. Sorry that it's a really crappy picture; I'm lacking a better one. Hopefully when my sister gets home from school today I can get a new one. My sister, Stephanie, is on the left. I am on the right.

Welcome

Hi, my name is Krista, and I am a seventeen year old young adult living in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

What's this blog about, you may ask?
Well, it's basically about life and everything in it from the perspective of a female young adult.

Why do I keep referring to myself as a young adult rather than a teenager?
First of all, most adults have very negative connotations around the word "teenager". Many adults see teenagers for what their preconceived notions of them are and thus immediately ignore what they have to say.
Secondly, for myself, teenagers are still kids. Granted, legally I am still a child at 17, but here's how I see it. I leave for college in the fall. I turn 18 in November. Pretty soon, society is going to start expecting me to be an adult and live my life as if I was. How I see life is that of a person who is about to enter adulthood and realize all that it entails. This being said, I see myself leaving the joys of adolescence and having to reach the trials of adulthood. Still, I am only 17, so I am a young adult. There you have it.

Alright, so two big questions that I had to answer right there. Simple, easy enough to explain. I like it. Well, there you have it. This is my blog, and I am writing about life and the trials of it from a woman's perspective, a woman about to enter adulthood and see what growing up is really like in these modern times. Maybe you're reading this because you yourself are growing up and it's nice to know that you aren't the only one dealing with problems. Maybe you're just reading this for kicks because you remember what it was like growing up. Maybe you're reading because someone you know is going through this or because in a few years, you have to. Or maybe you're reading this because your kid is growing up and you have no idea what to expect. Anyway, no matter why you're here, I'm just glad to have you around. It really means a lot that you are reading this.

I will do my utmost best to post as close to every day as I can. Hopefully you guys will enjoy this as much as I will enjoy writing it. I'll see you around!! =]