Medication

Yeah, I'm bipolar, and yes, I'm medicated for it. And if you saw how I was before I got meds, and you saw how I was after I got them, you know they help. So you're probably wondering why I went almost three months without them after 8 months on them. I know I need them, so why wouldn't I just make a simple phone call? I kept saying it was because I didn't like calling people and that I was too busy, but that really wasn't it. The truth is, I hate being medicated.

It isn't that weird shit happens to me or that it takes away from who I am or anything like that. On the contrary, I'm way better when I'm on them. I know that. My thing is that I wish I didn't have to be dependent on some kind of chemical to make me normal. I was able to live the first 18 years of my life without it and being relatively sane, so why couldn't I do it now, right? Being dependent on something just makes me feel weak, like I can't provide for myself. I feel like I fail because I can't be normal because I'm stuck taking medication so that I don't go from suicidal to high-risk behavior to angry to overly confident to apathetic to super bubbly. I hate it. So I didn't replace my meds for almost three months because I wanted to prove to myself that I could live without them and be fine. And it took me that long to figure out that I can't And now I just feel like a failure.

My councilor that I'm seeing right now says that being bipolar is a chemical condition that I can't control. It doesn't change the fact that I feel like I should be able to have full control over my body and I don't. I know I can't do anything about it and that I have to have the medication to be normal. Too bad it sucks and I wish with everything I have that I wasn't this way. Hell, I've only taken two pills and I'm already feeling better. I mean, fuck. Why do I have to be like this? This is one of the worst feelings ever. Plus, have you ever looked at side effects of these medications? It's ridiculous!! Let me tell you what the side affects are listed for on what I'm taking:

SIDE EFFECTS that may occur while taking this medicine include decreased sexual desire or ability; diarrhea; dizziness; drowsiness; dry mouth; increased sweating; lightheadedness when you stand or sit up; loss of appetite; nausea; stuffy nose; or tiredness. If they continue or are bothersome, check with your doctor. CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY if you experience absent menstrual period; bizarre behavior; black or bloody stools; chest pain; confusion; decreased concentration; decreased coordination; fainting; fast or irregular heartbeat; hallucination; memory loss; new or worsening agitation, panic attacks, aggressiveness, impulsiveness, irritability, hostility, exaggerated feeling of well-being, restlessness, or inability to sit still; persistent, painful erection; red, swollen, blistered, or peeling skin; seizures; severe or persistent anxiety or trouble sleeping; severe or persistent headache; stomach pain; suicidal thoughts or attempts; tremor; unusual bruising or bleeding; unusual weakness; unusual or severe mental or mood changes; vision changes; or worsening of depression. AN ALLERGIC REACTION to this medicine is unlikely, but seek immediate medical attention if it occurs. Symptoms of an allergic reaction include rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue. This is not a complete list of all side effects that may occur. If you have questions about side effects, contact your health care provider. Call your doctor for medical advice about side effects. You may report side effects to FDA at 1-800-FDA-1088

Dead serious, that is the list, word for word, given to me by the pharmacy with the mediation. How are you supposed to feel when you read something like that, knowing that a drug that has the potential to do all of that is being voluntarily placed in your body for the hope of getting "better"? I mean, really, it's scary shit. And then I wonder what kind of stuff that happens to me is a side effect of the medication or just me being crazy. How do I know if it is really working the way it's supposed to or to its full potential? It just sucks.

I hate being medicated. I hate saying that I need it. I hate knowing I need it. What's worse is telling people about it. You tell someone you're bipolar and they flip out on you thinking that you're going to go crazy on them. Look, I'm fine. I think. Maybe I'm not. Maybe it is the safe thing for people to stay away from me; fewer people would be hurt by me then. I'm tired of making people hurt because of me. Maybe I should just go elsewhere or excommunicate myself so that people will stop being hurt because of me.