SpyParty – A Spy Game About Subtle Behavior

SpyParty – A Spy Game About Subtle Behavior

So, awesome looking game. I'm not big on shooter games. Yeah, they're fun, but I don't want to spend all my time playing them. It's not my thing. And to be honest, my kind of game is subtle, behind-the-scenes games where you have to think when you play. And this sounds like the perfect game. Oh, I want to play so bad!!! I'll probably be horrible when I first start, but it's primary focus is all on the subtle details of the game, the people, the characters, and the players. You have to think before you act. You get one shot, and if you guess wrong it's game over. This is my kind of game. I'm interested to see where it goes and what it develops into. Alright, so there's probably another two years under its belt before it's released to the public, but it looks like it's going to be worth the wait. I'm excited that someone is making a game like this; it's so atypical from most games that are created these days, and something that encourages players to think and observe is a really good idea. Check it out, it looks like it's going to be a lot of fun =]

Getting Help

Because I'm insane. I think. My moods are awful, medication only works some of the time, so I'm in the process of finding a psychiatrist nearby who can help me out and figure out what to do. Yay. I hate being like this. I wish I was different.

Little Sisters and Zeta

So,yesterday we unveiled who our new member's big sisters are. You know what mine did? Told me that she didn't want me because I'm never around and acted pissed off in subtler ways all the while hinting at who she really wanted as her big. FML. It doesn't help me that she said the exact words that have been bothering me for the last month: I'm never around. It's true. I can't do anything with my sisters. I'm always working. And so no matter what they're doing, I'm never there for it. I don't know our new members because I'm not there. Hell, yeah I got this little sister, but I don't even know her! So what am I to do?

I think what hurts the most is that I'm trying and people don't see that unless they're my closest friends in chapter. It makes me want to quit. Honestly, I feel like I'm only dragging my chapter down if I stay. I'm an officer, yes, but I'm debating on if I should relinquish that position. I don't know what to do. This fucking sucks.

Derp!!

My fun, lovable lump of love finally came home!!! Yay!!! He's been M.I.A. for the past week and a half, and then he just shows up this morning. WTF? Still, I'm glad he's back. Chris has been really upset because Derp is his favorite cat and he hasn't been here. Oi. As a result of the missing cat, we've gone to get collars for all three cats. Now, if they run off people will know that they are owned. Now if only we got tags with their names on them and phone numbers to reach us at.....

Mental Notes to Self

1. Getting enough sleep makes you feel better.

2. If you eat regularly, not only do you look healthier, you feel better and you're more stable.

3. Taking your pills regularly like you're supposed to keeps you from having melt downs.

4. Start studying for a test when you first get the material that'll be covered on it. You'll know it better and you won't be stressing out before the test. And you'll do better when you actually take the test.

5. If you get up with enough time to get ready in the morning, you're relaxed and able to make it to class with ample time to get ready and you're better prepared for learning the information presented.

6. Planning ahead and working on stuff prior to when it needs to be done means less stress later on when it actually needs to be done.

7. Showering regularly makes you feel better.

8. Dressing up every now and then is good for you; it's good to feel pretty and like yourself.

9. Take time for you but don't spend all free time on you. Remember that you still have stuff that needs to be done.

10. No matter what your moods tell you, how you feel, or what you're thinking, you are awesome. There are people who love you, and you will be missed if you aren't here.

Survival

That's what I'm working on right now. I think it'll be better after today when I've finished this damn test that's attempting to be the bane of my existence, but whatever. I'm praying I don't have work tomorrow. Then I'd have my weekend to get my life back together. It'd be like hitting a reset button in my head! Woo! If only...

My issue lately is that I'm WAY hormonal. I have no idea why, either. I've been taking my meds regularly, so who knows. I really need to see a shrink though. If I could talk to them then maybe they could get me correctly medicated for the depression side AND help with the stupid manic shit too. That would be awesome. All I want is to be stable. Why is that too much to ask for? Oi.

So, chilling at work. I found coffee, a coffee pot, filters, creamer, sugar, cups, and spoons. I'm stoked. I'm going to make coffee in a bit, for one because I'm freezing but primarily because I need to study for the test of doom I have today. I swear, it's evil. Multiple choice, fill in the blank, true/false where you have to correct false statements into true statements, and short answer. And all on vertebrate zoology. Fuck.

Mmm, the sound of coffee brewing makes me feel awesome. Yay ^.^ Found my happy place for the morning. Maybe today won't be so bad after all =]

Scared

I'm just scared about life, scared about everything. What if I can't do it? What if I don't succeed? What if I die trying? Would it be worth it or would I be regretting what I failed at? I don't know. And I hate that I'm bipolar, because I can't tell what emotions I feel are just emotions because of the chemicals in my body or if they're real emotions that I have real reason for feeling. I've been crazy hormonal lately and I have no idea why. I've been taking my medication, I've been trying to eat well and exercise, but the mood swings are horrible. I really need to find a psychiatrist so that I can get medication worked out but IT'S SO FUCKING HARD TO FIND ONE!!!! I hate this. Hate everything. I hate my life. I wish I could make everything disappear, or maybe just fade out of existence myself.

Busy!!

You know, it's crazy what some people, like myself, choose to do with their lives. Especially me. I know it's all voluntary, but shit! I must be crazy! I'm taking 20 hours this semester (the vast majority of which are upper division), I have two jobs, I'm actively participating in Zeta, I'm planning a wedding, I'm an officer in Zeta, and officer in Panhellenic, the Executive Director of Student Senate, and I'm in belly dancing. Sometimes I think I'm intentionally trying to kill myself.

Currently, at Job B (a.k.a. front desk worker in a dorm) there is an alarm going off. It beeps for about two minutes, stops for 10-30 seconds, then starts again. I've been here for three and a half hours. I think I'm going to kill it. Normally I use my time at this job to study and get much needed homework done, but today that is utterly impossible. I have a hard enough time focusing when it's quiet. Add constant alarm status and loud volumes and it's damn near impossible. Uhg.

Anyway, I'm just a bit tired and wanting to go to bed. Stupid beeping thing. So I felt like rambling a bit. Besides, you're reading this, so clearly you don't mind my crazy too much ;)

Grad School?

Currently that's the issue I'm mulling over in my head. Do I want to go to grad school and get a master's in Forensics or do I want to go to law school. Luckily, there are a couple of schools where you can actually do both. Still, you have to be accepted into each program individually. Uhg. I've been looking at numerous grad schools, and after I get through those I'm probably going to start checking out law schools. Oi. If only I knew what to do with my life.

I'm finally done with recruitment and finally unsilenced. I can reassociate with Zeta, however it sucks because I work nights. This means that even though I can hang out with them and wear shirts and whatever else, I still can't really go to anything because I'm always working. FML. I guess that's what happens in the big kid world, you lose time to do fun things as you work your butt off to make ends meet. Sometimes I wish I wasn't growing up. Plus, no matter where I go for school in 2012, I'm going to be moving to a place I don't know (more likely than not) and being far from everyone and everything I know. Alright, the only schools in Forensics are basically on the coasts, and mostly in the northeast. If I moved there I'd be close to family I've never really known well, and if I moved to California I'd be really close to family I rarely see. If I go to Florida, well, there's no one there. Nore is there anyone in Michigan or Illinois. *Sigh* Life is hard.

The good thing is the stability and happiness that Chris gives me. Whenever I start to lose hope or get really down he's always there to pick me back up and remind me that I'm okay. No matter what I freak out about, from Zeta to being a hypochondriac (and all that comes with that) to school, to family, to life, he's always there to keep me sane. He loves me and supports me in all I do, and he's there for me. Always. I fucking love this guy.

Well, life is kicking my ass. I'm a student who's taking overtime in hours (full time max is 18, I'm doing 20), I'm working two jobs, I'm in many extracurricular activities, and I still manage to maintain a 3.3 GPA and a social life. I think I'm superwoman.

Odd

Recruitment is insane, but then again it always is. There's always people who are going to say you're doing a horrible job, those who tell you hwo to do it, and those who praise it. You're always going to mess up because, hey, you're human. It's what we do. And no one is perfect. I think that's why I like recruitment. It reminds me to not take myself so seriously, to be calm, and to know that if I tried pleasing everyone that in the end I will have failed. All I can do is my best, work to have things run smoothly, be strong, and remember, if things are going great then you haven't reached the end. Besides, in under 24 hours I will no longer be silenced, recruitment will be over, I'll have almost 20 new and beautiful sisters, and I won't have to worry about this any more. Things aren't amazing yet because I'm not at the end yet =]

Remeber Me

Amazing movie. Only issue: It forced me to relive all the pain I've experienced during my life involving family and relationships. Fuck.

It hurts. Everything does. It's painful. Family dynamics that fucking suck, pain for everything I've been holding in, losing people I love. Everything. And all the pain I've ever felt is rushing back. Being betrayed, hurt in some of the cruelest ways imaginable by people that you love and trust, seeing your family fall apart, support for sibling when others don't. Just, uhg.

Feeling

Feeling like the world is going around.
Feeling like I can't stick around.
Feeling like it's all passing me by.
Feeling like I'm wondering why.
Feeling like it's all a lie.
Feeling like I can't keep going.
Feeling like I'm really confused.
Feeling like I can't clear my head.
Feeling like I should lie instead.
Feeling completely alone.
Feeling like I can't go on.
Feeling like I can't do this.
Feeling like I need to think.
Feeling like nothing makes sense.
Feeling like nothing makes sense.
Feeling like nothing makes sense.
Can you keep going.
Can you keep wondering?Can I stay living?
Fuck it all as it goes in and out.
Fuck it all, it's time to go.

Isis Lessons

Isis, as you may or may not know, is my kitten who is about three months old, give or take a few weeks. She's adorable, fun loving, and just happy to be alive. And she teaches me every day new ways to live.

Isis loves freely. Every person she comes into contact with she lets into her heart. They say love is blind, and for Isis, it truly is. All you need to do is be there and she becomes yours. She reminds me every day what it is to love unconditionally.

Isis comes to love on me every day. No matter how I'm feeling, no matter what I've done, she still is by my side. When I'm feeling down, like last night, she makes it a point to stay on my lap curled up and maintaining all of my attention so that I don't notice that I am sad anymore. She reminds me of the age-old saying, "This too shall pass."

Isis never lets anything get her down. Despite what my other two cats, Derp and Spaz, think of her, she's always happy. They can bug her all she wants, they can hate on here and ignore her, growl at her, or fight with her, and yet she doesn't let it bug her in the slightest. She just goes about her business, loving freely and being completely and totally stoked just to be alive. She reminds me every day that this life is all I have, and I am in control of it. I can control how I see things, how I let things affect me, and how I live my life. She reminds me to live life to the fullest.

Isis may just be a cat, but she can still be a reminder in the most stressful of times to sit back, relax, and love life. She's one of the closest things to me, and she means the world. She truly is unique, and for what she reminds me of every day I can never give up.

Working

Yeah, okay, it's something that just about every adult does. I'm working at McCarty's, a local restaurant that has a homey feel with good food relatively fast for not too high a price. I work as a waitress, cashier, bus girl, and whatever else needs to be done, like preparing or cooking food, changing the sign outside, taking out trash, prepping the food, like onions to be ready for quickly made onion rings, to running errands. It happens. I actually really like my job, it's just being on my feet for hours that kills me.

Currently, my mood is weird. I feel full of energy, ready to go and conquer the world. I want to do things, accomplish everything possible, and like I'm invincible. It's true. I feel like I can clean my house tonight, do all my homework, take care of the cats, cook a full dinner, and not even need sleep. And yet I'm feeling so down, like there's no point to anything. Like, what am I going to do with my life? What's the point of being in school? I can get by without all the education. Who needs a fancy life? Why try on anything? It doesn't matter what I do, I'll never make a difference. There's nothing special about me, nothing unique, nothing worthy of even using resources on. I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing, staring into space wishing I could stop existing and wondering why that hasn't happened yet. And yet I still feel like I can change the world.

I'm not sure what's up with that. I'm doing a lot with my life, so maybe I'm just stressed out by trying to make it all work. Maybe it's just my bipolar shit kicking in, and I just need to move on with my life because honestly, I'll get over it. By next week or even tomorrow I'll feel completely different. Or exactly the same. Or I shifted to one of the two moods. Hell if I know. All I know is that I'm doing my best to keep going. I feel like I'm accomplishing a lot and doing a lot with my life right now, but at the same time I feel like it's nothing at all. Who knows.

I feel like talking to people but I don't know what I would say. I want to be held and told I'm fine and I'll be okay and yet I just want to be alone. I want to be with someone, like being a lone is a horrible idea and yet that's all I even want. My own space. my own everything. But I don't at the same time. Fuck me, right?

Oh well. At this point, yeah I'm tired, but stuff also needs to get done. I want to do it but I don't at the same time. Who knows. And who knows how this even relates to work and how I started this blog. Bleh. I think I'm retarded.

School Year '10-'11

Oi. Yup, it's started. Huzzah!! I've figured out that I only have three semesters left until I graduate with a double major. Sweet! Also, haven't yet decided what it is I'm going to do after school. A part of me wants to be a lawyer, and yet part of me thinks that's a bad idea. I don't know. Luckily, after I graduate I'm taking a semester off so hopefully I can figure out at least a few more steps of what I'm going to do after school. Oi.

As of now I am planning recruitment for all Women's Greek Organizations on campus. Woo! Also, planning a wedding, working, and going to school full time. Jeez mon'! Luckily I have amazing friends, like Lish, who are there all along the way. And what would I do without Chris? He really is my rock. He's the resounding figure that's pushing me to get through school, to not give up when things get tough, and my shoulder to cry on when it feels like everything is falling apart. And that's part of why I'm marrying him.

I really need to clean my house, though. It's stressing me out because it's so dirty, and the cats are throwing a fit that we haven't cleaned the litter box in a while. Ew. I'm still debating on whether or not to clean after I post this. I've been feeling sick all day, but honestly, maybe it's in part due to the state of my house right now. Gah, if only I had a washer and drier. I was so close, too! Well, we'll see what happens. Maybe I'll wash a few dishes then go to sleep. I've done some homework today, so I'm feeling pretty decent. Worked tonight, did well, missed a class because I almost passed out and threw up everywhere, but overall I'm feeling okay at this point. Just tired. So maybe all I'll do is some dishes. And maybe the litter box. Or I'll have Chris do it when he gets home.

Wedding

So, for those of you who read this who haven't seen or heard elsewhere, I am getting married. Technically, Chris and I got engaged in March, and it has been one of the most difficult things keeping it a secret until now. Still, it was worth it.

You know, I never really thought about weddings much until I actually got engaged. Sure, I've thought about it in passing because Stahelin and I, as well as Sam and I, have talked about getting married. I was sort of engaged (to us we were, officially we weren't) but because it was such a thing as only between us, I didn't take it too seriously. Is it bad that it's hard for me to trust a guy who says he wants to spend his life with me until he actually commits with something like a ring? It makes me feel selfish, or cruel, like I use them or lie to them emotionally until they "prove" themselves. But what else can I do? I've already been with two guys who swore on everything they had that I meant the world to them. I gave them everything, and trusted them fully, only to have them turn their backs on me in the end. I was ready to give them my life, and yet it was they who left me. So does it make me a bad person to have a harder time to believe the third who says the same?

Still, he really is serious, and I'm glad. Chris is amazing. He means the world to me. I don't think I could have found a better guy. He makes me so happy in so many ways, and I feel I can truly be myself with him. I don't feel like he judges me for who I am. And he wants me to say what I feel, what I think, rather than judging me for it and pushing me to keep myself locked inside. I'm happy, and I'm getting married =]

For those of you who know me, be ready for 2012. Send me an email if you want more information and desire to attend; I'd love to have you there!

So Close!!!

Summer school ends this week. I've finished two of four classes. I'm so ready to be done. Oi. Just waiting for the week to end. Huzzah! After this week I can spend all of my energy on two things: Cleaning my house and planning recruitment. Dude, I couldn't even sleep last night because of how much I was thinking of/planning recruitment. Oi. Eat, sleep, and breathe it I suppose. I guess it's a good thing though, to care this much. It means I actually give a crap about it and want to make sure it's good. Bleh. I will cuddle with the cats and plan. Fun. Anyway, not much else to say. I'll ttyl.

Petra

My baby. And today I had to give her away.

It fucking sucks. I'm so sad. I cried. It's been a hard day. It'd be heard to find a better place to take her, but still. She's my baby, and I feel like I failed her. I sent her away to a new place and I completely shattered all trust she had in me. I've failed her. I love her to death and yet I left her. I feel horrible. How can you do something like that to someone you care about? I mean, if I had found her on the street and brought her, I could understand it because then you are doing her a favor and giving her a better life and a better chance for survival that way. But she had a home, was well cared for and well loved. And I abandoned her.

I took her to the Animal Humane Association in Albuquerque (check out their website at www.ahanm.org). It is probably one of the best places I could have taken her. They spay and neuter, give immunizations, and work on behavioral training with the animals. Just in Albuquerque they have their main facility and two adoption cites around town. Also, they have a 92% adoption rate. They have over 60 employees taking care of the animals and making sure that all of them get the care they need, as well as countless volunteers to help out. Their facilities are clean, the staff is helpful, and they ensure that any pet they adopt out is sent to a good home. I would say it's a really good place to take her.

Petra is a really sweet cat. She is very connected to her owner and loves deeply. Her only flaw is that she is extremely possessive of her owner and is highly jealous of anything that may appear as a "threat" to her owner's love and devotion towards her. She's about a year old and very cute. I'm sure they're going to find her a home and hopefully she'll be loved. She really is a good cat. She's going to be okay. So why do I feel so horrible?

I miss her. I want her in my arms, sleeping on my lap, climbing on my shoulder. I hate this. I feel horrible. I want to take her home and let her know she's still loved. I hate myself. How can I do such a thing to my baby? I know it was necessary, but it doesn't make me feel any better. I hate myself for this. She's going to be okay, but I feel as if I've failed her. I just want my cat back.

Oizers.

You know, I keep coming back to this, how I don't seem to blog much because my life is crazy but I'll do more. Well, to be honest, I think my life will always be crazy. And maybe that's okay. I guess it's okay that my life is insane and so I don't think to blog all of the time. Oi. Oh well.

My cats are insane. Chris's cats, who previously lived with his mom, now live with us because she moved to a new place where she can't have pets. So, our oldest cat is Spaz, who is the mother of Derp, our next oldest. Below that is Petra. I'm pretty sure I've talked about her in this somewhere. And our newest edition, more likely than not only about six or seven weeks old is Isis. Yeah, I know, I'm turning into a crazy cat lady. Luckily, only half of these cats are mine. The other half belong to my boyfriend.

Living together is going amazingly. We've lived here for about two months, and I really like it. We still haven't finished unpacking everything, mainly because both of us like to just unwind and not worry about it. Oi. Silly geese we be! We recently had our six month, so that was fun. My dad visited me this past week and I was stoked!!! Eek! The only annoying thing is that we both are fairly messy people but I'm also mildly OCD so I like everything clean. If only my ADD didn't kick in and make it super difficult to focus on cleaning...

Life is good, just working on a lot of school and such. Speaking of which, I'm pretty sure I have an assignment due tonight, so maybe I should stop blogging and do that... Hmm.

Alright, I guess I'll go, but hopefully I will blog more recently than another two months. I hope.

=]

Moving

The past week has been crazy, primarily because I'm moving. Chris and I are moving in together, and I'm stoked. Yes, that means I'm staying out here for the summer and not going back to Albuquerque, but I'm okay with that. I'm looking forward to the direction my life is traveling in. We have three cats in our place, Spaz, Derp, and Petra. They're adorable, but Petra hates them. Oi. Still, she's slowly getting over it.

This week is dead week, meaning that we are doing absolutely nothing other than killing ourselves with our last week of classes. It also means that finals are next week. Still, as much as finals suck, it means that you've reached the end of the semester. It means that anything that's been kicking your ass or killing you or is just something that you need a break from is finally at an end and you can go on. It's like a mental restart button. It puts you back together so that you don't lose your sanity. And I'm going to need it. This summer I'm taking 14 hours. This fall I'm taking 22. And the spring? Hell if I know. The goal is to graduate in May. So one year from now I'm going to be graduating. Holy shit. It seems like I just started going to school here and yet I'm about to leave. It makes me sad. But at the same time, I'm ready for my life already. I'm tired of being a kid with adult privileges. I need to move on. I want to live my life. I'm ready to be an adult. Screw all this "Let's party, study, whatever the hell it is we do here" attitude and move on. So I'm going to try to graduate in May. If I can't, I'm here until December.

My plan for after I graduate is to go to Law School. Random, I know. But I want to do it. All of the stereotypical law school/lawyer ideas don't appeal to me, but I've taken about 5 law classes and loved all of them. I figure that law classes are much closer to what it is that law is all about and how it is in reality, and so I figure that that is probably the most accurate description I have is the classes I've taken. I want to go to UNM; I just hope I get in. That's why I'm trying to graduate in May, though. Law schools don't have Fall/Spring start sessions. You have to start in the fall. So if I finish in December I will have eight months to go before the school year would start. I'm not sure what I'd do with my life. Oi. It's a scary thought. And if this doesn't work out, well, I don't know what I'm going to do.

Anyway, just a little update on life. I'm crazy tired and ready to be done with everything. I need the two or three weeks off that I have before summer classes start. I need something to do that isn't stressful, exhausting, or trying to kill me. So I just need to find a job for the summer and then worry about passing my classes. *sigh* I just want the semester to be over.